Post # 1
Hello, all. Newbie here. Still trying to figure out how this stuff works. Anyhow…
May of 2011, a very close friend of mine became engaged to a man (an Army guy) she had known and dated for just over five months (her first “long-term” relationship), who very few of her good friends, myself included, and most of her family had never met. She told me of her engagement via text message, and over the phone days later, I expressed my shock and concern for what I considered to be a very rash decision. She expressed appreciation for my concern, and I thought that things were fine between us. I was told it would be a long engagement and the wedding date was set for this past May. We continued to speak regularly, usually once a week, and she and her fiance visited my fiance and I around Christmastime so I would get to meet him before the wedding. After driving over 500 miles with my fiance to attend this wedding, I find out the day of the “wedding” that the couple had actually gotten married the previous fall. She had told our mutual friends only when they suspected something suspicious and called her out on it. And only her parents attended the real wedding. She and her husband didn’t even tell his own mother about it. It was a small wedding, about 40 people, the majority of which traveled a fairly considerable distance, and only a handful of the guests were aware that the real ceremony had taken place months before.
I don’t understand why she had a “real” wedding after her elopement and chose not to tell her guests. It almost feels like gift-grabbing. She still does not know that I know about this deception. Her maid of honor, a very good friend of mine, as well, urged her to tell me, especially when she and her husband visited during the holidays, but she did not. I have tried to let this go. I am hurt and disappointed by what I feel are her lies. I was the only person in our group of friends who did not know the truth of what was happening. Outside of a few text messages, I have only spoken to her once since the “wedding.” I don’t know if I should say something and clear the air or just sit on it and hope that the lingering resentment I have towards her fades over time. I am planning my own wedding right now, and I would really like to be able to have her at it and not be harboring any ill will towards the two of them.
Oh, and I have yet to receive a thank-you card.
Any thoughts or advice for me?
Post # 3
It is kind of a strange thing for her to do but I would advise you to just let it go. Maybe she didnt tell you because she knew you would react this way. You expressed your concern for her getting engaged so early into the relationship so perhaps she felt that you would lecture her or try to talk her out of it and so it was just easier to keep you in the dark.
Post # 4
Honestly, I would be just as upset. She lied to you, then put on a show where she knowingly lied to most of her guests under the guise of it being a wedding. I know some people do weddings at a courthouse or JP, especially for military spouses, because of other reasons and have the big celebration later, but my biggest pet peeve is when my friends/family lie to me about it.
I had a cousin who did this years ago, and I still have that ill will towards him, as do a lot of my family. So I don’t know what it’ll take to get over it, other than just making the decision to not dwell on it anymore.
Post # 5
I’d be miffed as well. People get married quickly for any number of reasons, but most consider that their “wedding date” and celebrate their anniversary each year on that date. It sounds like your friend wanted to have her cake and eat it too – the fast wedding, followed by the hoopla with a big white dress and cake and dancing. I can almost see this working if she called it what it was, a vow renewal, and was honest with everyone. But the lying would get to me.
At the end of the day, though, you can’t really change what she did. You certainly can re-think the friendship if it bugged you that much, though.
Post # 6
No advice – what happened is done.
But I’d be pissed too. PISSED. I should have the choice to attend a vow renewal without being deceived.
If you haven’t received a card you could go the passive-aggresive route and call, txt, or email her an “innocent” query like “oh hey, I haven’t heard from you and just wanted to make sure that you did receive that gift we brought to your vow renewal.”
(I don’t play nice with others who screw with me)
Post # 7
I guess I don’t see the issue? For most people their real wedding date is the wedding, not when they got married or JOP. I actually know several people that got married by the JOP months before their wedding and I attended the wedding. It was no big deal.
Post # 8
I think this situation is becoming more and more common, and I can only reason that your friend didn’t tell you (or most of the rest of her friends) because you all had already expressed that you didn’t think their engagement was a good idea so quickly.
Perhaps she should have called it a “vow renewal” but for all except for the marriage license being signed this WAS their “wedding”. I would just be grateful to celebrate their marriage, regardless of whether or not it was the actual date of what will be their anniversary.
However, not sending a thank you note is an entirely different ballgame, though I don’t see the original wedding as gift-grabbing unless we call all weddings gift-grabbing. They are celebrations of a couple’s love — if you choose to attend that, and bring a gift, that is on you.