Post # 1
Hi everyone, This is the first time I’ve posted, although I’ve been an avid reader for a while. I just need to vent, and there isn’t anyone I can comfortably talk about this with in real life.
My FMIL and I generally get along great. She & my FFIL are very supportive, excited about the wedding, and are generously contributing to the costs (my parents are paying for the great majority of the wedding, but FFIL & FMIL are helping out with a portion of the day-of costs as well as hosting the rehearsal dinner – we are very appreciative). They get along great with my parents too – I know that I am lucky to have such a good family situation.
Here’s my issue: I have recently been feeling some resentment towards FMIL (which I then feel guilty about). While I don’t think she intends to, some of her actions make it seem like she thinks it’s *her* day and should be the center of attention. She is taking dancing lessons, hired a personal trainer to get in shape for the wedding, and now insists on getting her hair professionally done in an updo. [Background: I had previously arranged for FMIL and my mom to have their makeup done (my treat) by my makeup artist at the hotel where we’re getting ready. The moms had agreed that they would prefer to do their own hair, so I didn’t book hair for them – now she has changed her mind.] We had also agreed that she would get her makeup done first, so she could then go visit with my fiancé before the ceremony. Now she is worried about going first, since she thinks that she’ll cry when she sees him and ruin her makeup. I understand … but at the same time, I want to go last so my makeup is fresh for the pictures!
She also showed me pictures of the dresses she is considering wearing – some of them cost in the thousands (more than my wedding dress!) and are more formal / showy than my own dress (we are having a semi-formal afternoon wedding). To be honest, some of them are inappropriate for a mother-of-the-wedding dress (low-cut/short/very showy).
Another factor is that I want my own mother to feel special and honored on my wedding day too. Now I feel like I need to make an appointment for my mom to get her hair done (even though she doesn’t really want to). I just don’t want my mom to feel left out or like she’s being pushed to the background by my more flamboyant FMIL.
I just have a mix of emotions that I am sure are wrapped up in the stress surrounding a major life change. I don’t know if it’s jealousy that I can’t afford to take dancing lessons and hire a personal trainer myself, or resentment that she is making it so much about her … but then I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I really do love her and I know she’s just excited about her son getting married. Argh! Am I a horrible person?
Post # 3
I am sorry you are feeling this way. To be honest I don’t think you FMIL thinks she is doing anything wrong and is just really excited about your wedding. She probably just wants to look her best. My parents took dancing lessons for my brother’s wedding, my mom started working out, and she got her hair professionally done that morning. It was just because she wanted to look and feel beautiful on that day. This is a very important day for your FMIL as well.
In regards to the personal trainer good for her that she wants to get in shape and be healthy even if it was your wedding that made her think about it. For dance lessons have you talked to her about this. Maybe if you mentioned how much you would love to take classes but you are just strapped for cash right now, she might even offer for the two of you to go along with them. And since you sound like you have a good relationship I would just talk to her honestly about the hair. You can say something like I understand you want to look the best for our wedding and I’m so glad you are excited, however I didn’t realize you were getting your hair professionally done. The only reason I bring this up is because I wouldn’t want my mom to look out of place.
Post # 4
I don’t think you’re a bad person at all. Try to keep reminf=ding yourself that you are lucky to have supportive and excited inlaws. That is a much better place to be in then to have ones who don’t really supporte FI.
As far as your mom goes, I would talk to her her and let her know that FMIL is getting her hair done and you would arrange for her to get her hair done as well if she wants. Leave it up to her. you don’t want her to think you have doubts about her ability to do her own hair so just be open about it with her.
Post # 5
She’s obviously letting herself get way excited about it! Leave her at it, with one exception: the make up. If she’s not happy with early make up, then see if you can get an extra make up artist for the half hour it’d take. Your make up definitely has to be perfect! Given how generous you say they are, perhaps she’d cover that extra expense anyway.
If you’re worried about her clothes on the day, I’d get your fella to (innocent-acting) quiz her about what she’s gonna wear, what it’s like etc. He might be able to say it’s too much, you def can’t!!
Post # 6
Thanks for your comments! I agree, I don’t think she means anything by this and I am honestly glad she’s so excited. I think I am just overly sensitive for some reason and reading too much into everything …
Post # 7
Think it’s called wedding hormones lol…
Post # 8
I agree with Roxy, I don’t think your FMIL thinks she’s doing anything wrong. It just sounds like she’s really excited! Let her do her thing and don’t schedule an appointment for your mom to get her hair done unless SHE wants to.
Post # 9
I’m not sure when your wedding is but hang on tight. Your emotions will be out of wack pretty much the whole engagement and you can’t help but be extremely sensitive. Just know that you can always count on us to understand so vent whenever you need.
Post # 10
I honestly think its great she’d doing what she is, as she could have been like my daughter’s FMIL…all she did was complain about having to spend any money,and she borrowed a dress for the wedding day that looked terrible. She looked and acted like it was just another day,and not her son’s wedding. You should be happy she’s so in to it!
My daughter was also the first to get her hair and makeup done and I was the last. Her makeup looked flawless the entire night,so if you have a good stylist,you really shouldn’t worry about it. Hers actually took longer than everyone else’s but was not a problem having her look fresh and rested. It also took her a lot longer to get dressed than everyone,but it was her choice to do it that way. As far as hair goes,everyone except the FMIL and step FMIL got their hair and makeup done that day…their choice. I didn’t care what the other ladies did or didn’t do,but I wanted my hair done up so I didn’t have to fuss with it all day,and the makeup artist took ten years off my face…so I was all for it!
Weddings are special days for everyone involved, but no matter what, you and your FI will be the focus of everyone’s attention. She really won’t steal your thunder!
As far as the dance lessons go, she may be doing it because she really has 2 left feet and doesn’t want to embarrass herself that night. I’ll never forget my BF’s Mom who had been taking ballroom dance lessons for at least a year before my wedding (but it had nothing to do with preparing for it,it was just something she was interested in doing), but all the lessons in the world wouldn’t have given her rythmn…..when she danced she was counting to herself ‘one,two,three,one,two,three’..it was hilarious!