- Miss. RubyLove
- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2011
I’m having major mixed feeling and just need to get it out!!
Brief background, I’m 30, married to a fabulous guy for the past year and I’m a full time step mom to an 11 year old. Just bought our first house last year…I have a great steady job, husband has a well paying career……life’s good right?!?!?! Besides I can’t turn my brain off!
When I 1st met my husband 5 years ago he told me he never wanted more kids (or ever get re-married), I told him I definitely wanted kids, years pass and the topic comes and goes. Well this past June we started to really discuss it, he still didn’t really want one and I had to have one! It was a discussion that lasted a few months, discussing everything from finances, to timing, to our personal relationship, including my step son’s opinion as well. The words ‘resent’ ‘divorce’ and ‘bitter’ were mentioned in the discussion and it came down to my husband finally saying yes, “I am his wife that he loves more than anything and he wouldn’t rob me of this natural instinct”. I was ecstatic………but now a few months later I’m having crazy mixed feeling.
We didn’t TTC right away because I wanted to get on Aflac and have supplemental insurance so last month was the 1st month we actually started ‘trying’ (my husbands favorite part) We’ve told a few people (which in both instances my husband actually let out the news) all of our family is excited for if and when it happens and all of HIS friends say “you don’t want kids!” ….which is also something that is killing me. They all have kids, all of them unplanned and from when they were super young, and all of my friends are just starting their families which makes me excited to add on to ours.
This is hard to explain because my mind is constantly racing! The good things I think about include getting pregnant, being pregnant and giving birth, holding OUR baby, how fabulous of a dad my husband is and how I would love nothing more than to carry his child, nurture, teach, and protect one of my own. I tear up seeing pictures of pregnant women and newborns, and even newborn clothes……………but then I think the bad stuff….. will he resent me, did I talk him into it, will he love them as much as his first, will his friends constantly judge me, will he still think I’m attractive, am I ready to loose quality time with him, should I just finish the next 6 years with my step son and travel the world…and never carry a child of my own?
I truly try to talk to my husband about it, but I can’t express myself, and he’s not much of the sentimental talking type. A man of few words. He’s told me he’s scared that something will happen to me while delivering, we’d make beautiful babies, and that he loves me more than anything and that he wants me to be happy and content…..and that’s about it. I’ve brought up that he never says anything about a baby and he replies with ‘well you’re not pregnant yet” which is so true but I guess my whole life I dreamed of a man who truly wanted to have a kid with me and be excited about it……I don’t always feel that way right now, I know my husband loves me more and more everyday, he’s the sweetest most caring guy, but deep down inside I dont feel as if he wants me to get pregnant. (Unfortunately I think the bad taste left in his mouth from his ex wife, divorce, and raising a child alone – until I came along of course- has so so much to do with this)
Is being hesitant and scared for your 1st natural, am I over thinking EVERYTHING (yes I am) Is my self-esteem so low that I question my husband? Ladies I cry over this daily….secretly
I think I’m having a bad day