(Closed) Mixed Messages *Advice Please*

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Wannabee Mrs.G.:Based on the statement he made about if you all don’t have children he still has you makes me think he is indifferent about having kids. He would be happy to have kids and he would be fine if you did not. You have to decide if having children is  a deal breaker for you. Having kids is not mandatory for him so maybe he is thinking there is no rush to marry.

Post # 5
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@Wannabee Mrs.G.: I think he’s either trying to throw you off or getting some sort of mild cold feet. Don’t nag him too much about it… but I understand that you’re worried. It’s good to just sit down and have a non-accusatory heart to heart discussion. See what made him change his mind, and state clearly what your intentions are out of this, and that you want to find a way to make both of you happy. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I would really spell it out to him that you want kids, and you want kids sooner rather than later. And that before you have kids, you need to be married for x, y, z reasons.

My boy used to think we would only get married when we were ready to try to have kids but I told him that I wanted to be married first because I want the chance to enjoy being married before kids and that I also want these huge financial investments to be a little bit spread out!

On the plus side, I think he was trying to tell you that he is wanting to be with you – no matter what happens with the kids

Post # 7
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

You need to tell him flat out that you want to have kids. It’s not fair for him to wait and wait. You want kids and unfortunately, unlike men we do have a time table. When it’s too late to have your own kids, it is too late. I think that if he waits and time is up you may resent him. That’s definately not fair to you. so just let him know that it is REALLY REALLY important. Guys don’t seem to get it, maybe compare it to sports. There is only a certain amount of time that guys get to play in the major leagues, before time is up. lol

Post # 9
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

@Wannabee Mrs.G.:  I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time.

I’m 26, so I’m sure I have a VERY different spin on things, but I empathize with you.  Your desire to have children and the need to get married soon to accomplish that are logical.  If he mentions having kids, then I would joke back and say, “Well, this oven wants to pop out a few buns before it turns off!”  Lol.

I definitely agree that a heart to heart discussion of the future is warranted.  Perhaps asking him where he sees himself in 2 years, 5 years, 10years would be a start.  I’m no expert, but talking about the big picture seems to be easier for men.  Especially in your situation, a timeline would only seem fair.  The words “as soon as possible” are far too vague at this point.  You deserve some concrete answers!

Post # 10
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

I’m 32 and my boyfriend is 28.  He told me he wants to finish graduate school before getting married, and by the time he finishes I will be 36.  This is something that worried me and about a month ago I mentioned to him that things may not work out because of our timelines.  I said I was looking for someone who wanted to be married after about 2 years and planning a baby at about 3 years into the relationship.  By my boyfriend’s timeline, we would still be DATING at the 3 year mark.  I told him that this isn’t what I wanted.  He agreed and said nothing more.  We actually almost broke up over it without even discussing if there was wiggle room on either side.  That wasn’t good enough for me, so I prodded.  He said he may be open to compromise so that we are both happy.

A month went by, and I realized I am still not happy with the vagueness of things.  I want to know NOW if I will have something to worry about come 3.5 years when he is out of school.  I wasn’t satisfied with the whole “maybe we will compromise”.  I wasn’t sure how much he would compromise, etc.

So a few days ago we were laying on the couch and I said that I am super happy with him, except that our timeline incompatibilities were bugging me.  I told him, straight out that at age 35, I am automatically considered “high risk” should I become pregnant.  I told him that fertility dips at that age and steadily declines.  I should have told him this last month but I was scared to appear pushy.  But I stopped caring how I appeared because I knew I deserved to have the things I want in my life and if that appeared pushy, oh well.

My BF thought all along that my reasons for not wanting to wait were due to convenience/personal preference and nothing more.  He didn’t realize there was a medical reason for wanting what I want.

We still don’t have a 100% solution, but he told me that marriage may be possible while he is in school, considering my biological clock.  He also may try to finish school a semester early.  Every month counts!!

The one thing he won’t budge on is to be a father while in school.  He absolutely wants to wait, and I have to respect that.  But if I am giving in on that, he should give in to me too!

I just wanted to point out that it’s SO IMPORTANT to keep things open, and not sit around and wait to see what he does.  It seems you have been doing that already… why wait several more months?  At 36 I would be having a serious talk!  That’s just my opinion.  How many children do you both want?

Post # 11
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

I wanted to make another point.  With my last 3 boyfriends prior to this one, these talks TERRIFIED me to no end!!!  Looking back, I realized that I was in the wrong relationship because I was always “afraid” to bring it up.  My most recent ex and I were 30 (me) and 35 (him).  We dated for 18 months and I never brought this up.  Every time I even mentioned moving forward, we would fight like crazy.  I knew mentioning kids would scare him away.  It was the WRONG arrangement for me because I want another child.  

The ex before that was my 5 year old son’s dad.  I desperately wanted another child with his dad and every time I mentioned it, his dad would argue.  It killed me.  Eventually I tried to silence my needs to see if he “gave in” and wanted another child.  At age 29 I left him because of this.

The ex before that literally changed the subject every time I mentioned marriage.  He was 7 years older than me and fully established.  I too was afraid to talk about the future with him.  He freaked out at me mentioning it every time.

My current boyfriend, I can ask him anything.  That’s how I know he is right for me.  I will never allow myself to be in a place where I have to tiptoe around the subject of MY future.  Not saying that’s what you are doing, but I wanted to share my expereince.  I hope to see updates on here!  Laughing

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

If you really love each other and both want marriage and babies, ask him waht he thinks of you stopping your BC right now regardless of your engaged status. Maybe he just needs a push, it’s never as urgent for men as it is for us because WE are the ones with a biological clock. But if you’re analyzing your priorities, it might make sense to try to get pregnant now and work on getting engaged in the meanwhile.

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