Post # 1
My SO and I have been discussing marriage/kids for the past 8 months. He was the first to bring it up. He has talked about places we could move in the future, he is always talking about our kids (he even named them), he has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and he has said his plan is to be married to me “as soon as possible.” We are in our 30’s, in fact, I am almost 37 years old. We have talked about the fact that I don’t have a lot of time left on my biological clock and several months ago he said he would take that into account when deciding when to propose. However, during a recent discussion, he said that his goal is to be with me, and that if we have kids great, but if not, he still has me. He said that he used to think of my biological clock in terms of a timing issue, but that he no longer does. That really bummed me out because it is an issue for me. I feel like if we both know we want to marry each other and have kids together, let’s get moving so we have a better chance of being able to have kids. A couple months ago, he mentioned needing time to save for a ring. I told him that I was willing to marry him without an engagement ring, but he had no response to that. But since then I have seen no signs that he has looked for or has even started saving for a ring. I don’t want to pressure him, but I also don’t want to patiently watch our ability to have a child disappear. What do I do?
Post # 3
@Wannabee Mrs.G.:Based on the statement he made about if you all don’t have children he still has you makes me think he is indifferent about having kids. He would be happy to have kids and he would be fine if you did not. You have to decide if having children is a deal breaker for you. Having kids is not mandatory for him so maybe he is thinking there is no rush to marry.
Post # 4
@Soladylike:That is definitely what I thought when he said that. But he is always mentioning “our kids.” A couple days ago I jokingly said I wanted to get breast implants. He got a real serious look on his face and said, “you can’t do that until after we have kids.” I just don’t get it.
Post # 5
@Wannabee Mrs.G.: I think he’s either trying to throw you off or getting some sort of mild cold feet. Don’t nag him too much about it… but I understand that you’re worried. It’s good to just sit down and have a non-accusatory heart to heart discussion. See what made him change his mind, and state clearly what your intentions are out of this, and that you want to find a way to make both of you happy. Good luck!
Post # 6
I would really spell it out to him that you want kids, and you want kids sooner rather than later. And that before you have kids, you need to be married for x, y, z reasons.
My boy used to think we would only get married when we were ready to try to have kids but I told him that I wanted to be married first because I want the chance to enjoy being married before kids and that I also want these huge financial investments to be a little bit spread out!
On the plus side, I think he was trying to tell you that he is wanting to be with you – no matter what happens with the kids
Post # 7
You need to tell him flat out that you want to have kids. It’s not fair for him to wait and wait. You want kids and unfortunately, unlike men we do have a time table. When it’s too late to have your own kids, it is too late. I think that if he waits and time is up you may resent him. That’s definately not fair to you. so just let him know that it is REALLY REALLY important. Guys don’t seem to get it, maybe compare it to sports. There is only a certain amount of time that guys get to play in the major leagues, before time is up. lol
Post # 8
Thanks for your advice. I agree that we need to have a serious talk. I think I am going to give it a couple of months with no discussion from me to see if there is any action from him (i.e. shopping for rings, asking for ring size, etc.). I am going to try to make it to February. Eek! Wish me luck on that. I will need a lot of support in the meantime. If I don’t see anything from him by that time, I will have another talk with him about important this is to me and I will ask him for a timeframe and see if I can live with what he comes up with.
@CupcakeLove: Thanks for the positive spin on this. I agree that is comforting to know that he wants to be with me no matter what happens with respect to kids. I just want him to give us the chance to try at least.
Post # 9
@Wannabee Mrs.G.: I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time.
I’m 26, so I’m sure I have a VERY different spin on things, but I empathize with you. Your desire to have children and the need to get married soon to accomplish that are logical. If he mentions having kids, then I would joke back and say, “Well, this oven wants to pop out a few buns before it turns off!” Lol.
I definitely agree that a heart to heart discussion of the future is warranted. Perhaps asking him where he sees himself in 2 years, 5 years, 10years would be a start. I’m no expert, but talking about the big picture seems to be easier for men. Especially in your situation, a timeline would only seem fair. The words “as soon as possible” are far too vague at this point. You deserve some concrete answers!
Post # 10
I’m 32 and my boyfriend is 28. He told me he wants to finish graduate school before getting married, and by the time he finishes I will be 36. This is something that worried me and about a month ago I mentioned to him that things may not work out because of our timelines. I said I was looking for someone who wanted to be married after about 2 years and planning a baby at about 3 years into the relationship. By my boyfriend’s timeline, we would still be DATING at the 3 year mark. I told him that this isn’t what I wanted. He agreed and said nothing more. We actually almost broke up over it without even discussing if there was wiggle room on either side. That wasn’t good enough for me, so I prodded. He said he may be open to compromise so that we are both happy.
A month went by, and I realized I am still not happy with the vagueness of things. I want to know NOW if I will have something to worry about come 3.5 years when he is out of school. I wasn’t satisfied with the whole “maybe we will compromise”. I wasn’t sure how much he would compromise, etc.
So a few days ago we were laying on the couch and I said that I am super happy with him, except that our timeline incompatibilities were bugging me. I told him, straight out that at age 35, I am automatically considered “high risk” should I become pregnant. I told him that fertility dips at that age and steadily declines. I should have told him this last month but I was scared to appear pushy. But I stopped caring how I appeared because I knew I deserved to have the things I want in my life and if that appeared pushy, oh well.
My BF thought all along that my reasons for not wanting to wait were due to convenience/personal preference and nothing more. He didn’t realize there was a medical reason for wanting what I want.
We still don’t have a 100% solution, but he told me that marriage may be possible while he is in school, considering my biological clock. He also may try to finish school a semester early. Every month counts!!
The one thing he won’t budge on is to be a father while in school. He absolutely wants to wait, and I have to respect that. But if I am giving in on that, he should give in to me too!
I just wanted to point out that it’s SO IMPORTANT to keep things open, and not sit around and wait to see what he does. It seems you have been doing that already… why wait several more months? At 36 I would be having a serious talk! That’s just my opinion. How many children do you both want?
Post # 11
I wanted to make another point. With my last 3 boyfriends prior to this one, these talks TERRIFIED me to no end!!! Looking back, I realized that I was in the wrong relationship because I was always “afraid” to bring it up. My most recent ex and I were 30 (me) and 35 (him). We dated for 18 months and I never brought this up. Every time I even mentioned moving forward, we would fight like crazy. I knew mentioning kids would scare him away. It was the WRONG arrangement for me because I want another child.
The ex before that was my 5 year old son’s dad. I desperately wanted another child with his dad and every time I mentioned it, his dad would argue. It killed me. Eventually I tried to silence my needs to see if he “gave in” and wanted another child. At age 29 I left him because of this.
The ex before that literally changed the subject every time I mentioned marriage. He was 7 years older than me and fully established. I too was afraid to talk about the future with him. He freaked out at me mentioning it every time.
My current boyfriend, I can ask him anything. That’s how I know he is right for me. I will never allow myself to be in a place where I have to tiptoe around the subject of MY future. Not saying that’s what you are doing, but I wanted to share my expereince. I hope to see updates on here!
Post # 12
@Mrs. Harmony: You have given me a lot to think about. I am not afraid to talk to my SO about things. We have talked about it a lot actually and he is aware of my concerns regarding my age and trying to have a child. He understands the risks involved and he has concerns too (to answer your question, we both want at least one child, but maybe two if we can). By waiting a few months before bringing it up again, I am trying not to beat a dead horse and let him do his thing. He is big on the proposal being a surprise and I would like to give him a chance to do that without me hounding him. With that said, I think an update is in order…
The same night that I started this thread, my SO and I ended up having another conversation (so much for me waiting until February to discuss it again). We were out to dinner and he said something that led me to believe I would still be his girlfriend for another year or more. I was quite upset and I tried to bite my tongue, but he could tell something was wrong. When he asked me about it, I said “I get the feeling from listening to you that I will be your girlfriend for a lot longer than I want to be.” He was put off by my comment. He said that it showed a lack of faith in him. He said for all I know, he was planning on proposing to me when we go to this really nice restaurant that we had reservations for (which happens to be this weekend, Oct. 15). He said that I will not be his girlfriend much longer, and that I would only be his girlfriend for about another year. I am not quite sure if he means we would actually be married in about a year or that we would be engaged in about a year, but his statement gave me a lot more insight into what his timeline is. Then two days ago, he mentioned going to visit a friend of his at the store he owns. He probably forgot that he had told me a while ago that this particular friend owns a jewelry store. I don’t have my hopes up too high that he is going to propose this weekend, but I hope that the ball is atleast rolling. I am hoping that he proposed by the end of February, and if not, I woud feel like it was more than appropriate to bring it up again at that time, get some clearer answers as to timing, etc.
The thing is, I love him. That means, I don’t just want to be able to have children, I want to have HIS children. Therefore, for me, the only option is to wait, and periodically discuss these issues.
Post # 13
If you really love each other and both want marriage and babies, ask him waht he thinks of you stopping your BC right now regardless of your engaged status. Maybe he just needs a push, it’s never as urgent for men as it is for us because WE are the ones with a biological clock. But if you’re analyzing your priorities, it might make sense to try to get pregnant now and work on getting engaged in the meanwhile.
Post # 14
@moderndaisy: While that option has crossed my mind, I don’t think I would be happy with it or understand it. It would make no sense to me that he could commit to getting me pregnant, but not commit to marriage. I guess I am a bit traditional in that regard.