Post # 1
I’ve had baby fever big time since we got married just a few months ago. Before we even got engaged, DH always talked about how he imagined that he would have kids by the time he was 30, (he’s 29 now.) Well I’m on the last few days of the last pack of birth control pills that I have. A couple of weeks ago, I talked to DH about how I needed to find a doctor, so I could get more BC pills before mine run out. We recently moved, and I’m on his insurance now so there are specific doctors that I can/can’t use. He didn’t really seem too phased about it. We had talked before about me having a non-hormonal IUD put in, but I told him that if we were only going to wait a year or so before TTC, I would just get another round of BC and go from there. So after we had that whole discussion, he told me that I could just quit taking them & he could use the “pull out” method for now. That doesn’t bother me, because as I said, I would be okay with getting pregnant anytime, really. It seems like he would be okay with it, too.
Then the other day, we were having discussions about me going back to school & all of that, and I told DH that the only thing I knew 100% about what I wanted to do with my life, was to be a mom. & He said “now? that’s a really stressful thing..”
So he confuses me because one minute he talks about how he loves babies, doesn’t want to be too old when he has kids, and then when he says things like what he said above, it seems like he’s trying to change my mind about it in a way.
Was anyone else like this? or have a DH that was like this? Confusing, lol.
Post # 3
He’s your husband, and you should be able to have an honest, matter-of-fact conversation about timelines for having a family.
Instead of trying to decode his random comments, sit him down and ask him “when should we start trying to have children.” It’s not the most romantic conversation, but it’s one of many that you should have as a married couple.
Post # 4
I also think it’s just harder for men to wrap their minds around having babies. I don’t want to stereotype, but at least in my situation, I had been ready to have a baby for a long time, but when the time came TTC, DH was a little skittish, even though he appeared to really want children now, too. It’s just a big deal. I’d talk to him about it & give him time. If he’s suggesting using the pull-out menthod, then somewhere deep down he’s ready…he’s just not fully there in his mind yet!
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Yeah, you guys really should just have a talk and get on the same page. We figured out the 6-month range when we’re going to pull the goalie, which isn’t for another 1.5-2 years. It’s really nice to have it somewhat settled (even though yeah, I agree with PP, he’s somewhat skittish about the idea still!)
Post # 6
It is a weird talk to have and a strange new step to take together! Deciding to make a baby is a big deal.
We aren’t TTC yet, but recently had the timing discussion. Our driving force to wait another 9 months until we try is getting a major debt paid off. We decided to pool our resources and cut spending so that if we do have a baby 18 months from now, I could stay home without adding to our debt.
DH also takes a little while to adjust to changes, so I let him come up with this timeframe.
Post # 7
I’ve brought it up a few times, but we still haven’t really set any kind of timeline. I really get the impression that he would be happy regardless of when it happens. I’m just afraid that he doesn’t really realize that I can still get pregnant with the pull-out method, which yeah it would be less likely, but it’s still possible.
Post # 8
This is def something you both should sit and discuss. I know my hubby was ready way before me, and we talked and he waited until i was ready, now that we are both ready we are finally ttc and happy to cause we are both READY. Talk to him and then you will know…best of luck girl 🙂
Post # 9
When he came home last night, I was telling him that I’m almost out of my birth control, and need to make an appointment if I’m going to be on it still. He says “I’m not in a hurry to get you back on it or anything..” & he also said that we will be careful. He always vague when I bring it up, so I’m just going to let him come to me about it. I feel like I’ve been bringing it up a lot, and I don’t want him to think I’m pressuring him into it or anything.
Post # 10
@roweboat: Personally I still feel that your last conversation was way too vague. Like another Bee said, you should and need to have a serious conversation about this.
You may not want to bring it up because you have been talking about it multiple times, but saying “I need more birth control” and him being like “yeah or I can pull out” isn’t a clear cut plan of action. And, if you do have a serious conversation about it, you won’t have to continue inundating him with hints and small questions.
Sit down and discuss when you plan on having kids – if you don’t want kids now, then explain to him that you arn’t comfortable with the pull out method because it isn’t a secure plan.
Post # 11
Do you think maybe he meant the idea that you would be a SAHM was stressful? I don’t know whether you meant motherhood in general was your #1 goal or being a stay at home mom was your #1 goal… but I can see him being a little worried about the financial consequences. Maybe he always assumed you’d go back to work after a few months of maternity leave and is worried about finances if that isn’t the case?
Anyway, I think having a serious, honest discussion about timing and your expectations for working vs. staying home after kids would be a really good thing. I know you might feel like you’re bringing it up too much, but I think it’s better to communicate and have what might be a difficult discussion than to try to interpret hints and clues and guess at what he really wants. He’s your husband – you can talk to him about anything! 🙂
Post # 12
OP, one of my best friends had this same situation with her husband – lots of vague conversations and when her pill ran out, since they both wanted kids in the somewhat near future, they were going to just be careful for a while. Or so she thought. She got pregnant the first month off the pill and her husband was really upset because he wasn’t ready and didn’t realize it could (and would) happen right away (I’m not at all saying this is okay – just conveying what happened). She thought he was okay with it potentially happening right away since she was going off the pill, meanwhile he wasn’t at all okay with it. I think a direct conversation confirming that you’re both aware of how soon a baby could happen and you’re both on board with this is important. My friend had a really tough time in her early pregnancy because they didn’t have those direct conversations.
Post # 13
@KatieBklyn: I just meant that being a mom is my main goal. We’ve already discussed that when we do have kids, I would be at home with them for a while, until they get into pre-school/school.
@hardtoconcentrate: That’s what I’d be afraid of. I don’t think he understands that we could get pregnant right away if we just try to use that method. I’d be more comfortable being on the pill for now, but that’s the problem – I have to go through his insurance, which HE has access to which doctors I can go to, etc. I’ve been mentioning it to him for weeks and he just puts it off, but I can’t get the pills without going back to a doctor here.