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To be honest, I never knew of this tradition until my FI's mom asked me what color I think my mom will be wearing. She said typically the MOB buys her dress first then the MOG buys her dress so as not to clash colors. I thought that was so sweet of her to extend that courtesy.
That being said. For me...it's not really a big deal even if they did wear the same color.
Has she conveyed to you before about the clashing of colors with your mom??
Even though they are both wearing "navy blue" it can be a totally different shade of navy blue. The dress can be completely different so it's not like they are wearing the same dress in the same color. I think no matter what, your mom will ride on high of her only child being married!
But, that is just my opinion. Perhaps if it really concerns you ask what your FI thinks about the situation? Does he think his mom will be offended if you asked?
Best of luck!
I guess I would wonder how well you know your FMIL to try and guage her reaction if you say something to her about it. She may be annoyed or embarrassed or even laugh at you thinking you're kidding. As long as you're prepared for whatever she might say,I say go for it.
Both of the MOG's got their dresses before me,not even bothering to ask if I had any specific colors in mind. When the first one did it and I mentioned it to her (jokingly,saying something like 'I always thought the MOB picked her dress/color first?') she thought I was kidding! She assured me I wouldn't have anything like her dress as it was pretty plain and simple. What was I supposed to say or do then?
At least the other one got hers simply because she's been living in another country for the past 6 years,and it made more sense to get it while here on a visit. The color she chose isn't something I would have anyway,so its OK with me. BTW....we are all the same age and I wondered why I knew the usual MOB/MOG traditions and they didn't?
As long as you are prepared for her reaction and the matching colors is upsetting you,why not ask your Mom how she feels about it first? She really may not care,you know.
Thats my biggest concern. I dont want my mom to be dissapointed. That was my biggest fear and what was causing me the most anxiety last night. I dont want her to be upset. I just have to get the courage to give a call this morning and ask her and hope she wont be upset.
I'd talk to your mom. For me, I really could care less if this happened (it actually might as I just gave them a few color suggestions), and I know my mom wouldn't either - at least not unless the styles were also very similar. But your mom may feel differently?
I wasn't disappointed...I was irritated! lol The first MOG actually bought the same color I already had but nobody knew about. I wasn't sure if I was keeping it or not,so yes...I was a TAD annoyed.
I think instead of agonizing over it and your Mom's reaction,you should really just tell her. If she IS upset,you then know what to do.
Talk to your mom. This was a part of the wedding that my mom was really hell-bent on. She would pick HER dress first and MOG would NOT get the same color. It worked out fine because my mom got green and MOG doesn't even like green. But if this had happened to my mom, she would have lost it. As PP mentioned, your mom might be more understanding.
Well, the outcome is that my mom wasn't upset, but she was very "surprised and disappointed that his mom would do that." It breaks my heart that she's disappointed and that my FMIL didnt have the sensitivity to not pick that color.
I don't like to see my mom hurt and now I'm upset. Not much that I can do at this point though huh?
@Girlie: I would have your FI explain etiquette re: this to his mom. When we first got engaged, FI gave his mom the info in the below links because she's a little shady on etiquette sometimes. This might help your FMIL.
Is there any chance you can call your FMIL and ask her to switch the color of her dress? Just let her know that your mom bought the color first, and it's important to you that she have her moment as well. Ugh...I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can tell you that if my MIL bought the same color dress as my mom, she would definitely freak out about it. So you're not alone in your mom feeling disappointed. Hopefully you can have a chat with your FMIL?
I always thought the mom's were supposed to wear a similar color! Shows you what I know. Personally, I don't think it really matters. Have the mom's wear whatever makes them feel most beautiful. It's not like they are trying to one -up each other.
I actually thought it would be neat if my mom and FIs mom wore the same color. I'm not sure what the "rule" is about it though...
@RosieGirl: The "rule" is that MOB picks her dress first and then lets MOG know what color she picked so that MOG can choose something complimetary.
Ugh, what a complicated situation. I do think it's traditional for the MOB to pick her dress first, but it's too bad your FMIL didn't know that first. Personally, it wouldn't bother me if they both wore the same color, but if your mom is upset, it might be worth talking to your FMIL about it. You could just mention that your mom was expecting that she would choose her dress color first and that you were really hoping for them to wear different colors? By any chance, does your FMIL's dress come in another color than the one she bought? She might be able to return and exchange the same dress in a different color?
I had this SAME problem! My Mom purchased her dress in an elegant sage green color and so I told my Future Step-MIL and she then went out and picked out a slinky dress in a green color but a different shade. (My FI Mom moved overseas and may not attend the wedding) I expressed my concerns to her and told her that I would appreciate if she went with a different color but she said that since she is spending so much money on the dress, that she would like to get the color she wants. Are you kidding me?!?! Her dress was only $100, SIGNIFICANTLY lower than my MOB's dress. I am really afraid the colors will clash and seeing as how she already bought the dress, without letting me know her final decision, now she can't take it back. Grrr!!!!!
I didn't realize there was any sort of etiquette around this at all. My MOB and MOG wore the same color and nobody knew until the day of and everyone actually commented on how good it looked! If it's important to your Mom and you have a good relationship with your FMIL, then you might want to bring up, but it can actually end up looking really good in pics.
@Jessis516; my mom bought her dress a month or more before my FMIL bought hers, and I DID tell her what it looked like and what color it was before she did :( Yes her dress comes in other colors, a wine that I think she should have gotten in the first place maybe.
I'm really considering talking to my FMIL and saying it in a polite way, but when she gets upset about things she gets a bit immature and passive aggresive (little comments, quiet treatment). Also, my mom said that it's not worth causing a rift or something in the relationship. I'm sort of hoping my FI has a talk with his mother without me knowing and without her thinking it was prompted by me, after seeing the hurt it's caused me.
Do you think FMIL did it to be mean? or do you think she thought it was the right thing to do?
I know my mom wanted to know what colors they were wearing--she thought she was supposed to match DH's mom (we've all seen those david bridals coordinating collections ads) and i really didn't get the etiquette. DH's mom kept asking what my mom was wearing (so she could pick hers) and my mom dilly dallied a lot, not thinking that someone else's dress choic was depending on hers. I had no clue!
But if your FMIl is a tad evil, maybe she did it to be mean. Can you mom order the dress in a different color? Hell, put her in red. Don't take it so personally tho--if you get too bent out of shape over this, there will likely be far worse things to come other than dress colors! But i don't know yiour FMIL either. I wouldn't have your FI play the "my Fi's hurt over this" card, i'd play it like "mom, you aren't supposed to wear the same color as the MOB. It's considred bad etiquette! You should exchange it or people may think you had bad intentions"...
She definetly didnt do it to be evil. I think it comes more from she did it because that color looks good on her and oh well it's not a big deal. Throughout my relationship with her I've noticed that she does the things that she wants without concern for anything else.
But my mom just called to stress again that I shouldn't be upset, that it's only a dress, and that there will be worse things in life and do not hurt the relationship. She knows me so well to know that I was here being upset.
Your mom sounds so sweet girlie...I know she's disappointed, but she's giving you the out here. Try not to be as upset about it.
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My mom bought her dress a month or so ago (a DayMor gown from Appropo (SP) in Norristown) in a color called midnight blue. She originally wanted to look beiges or cafe au laites because of her coloring, but I convinced her that navyish was the way to go. BTW my girls are wearing a color called peacock blue that is turquiose. So the midnight blue plays off of it lovely.
So I get a call yesterday from my FMIL saying that she bought a dress over the weekend. She is much younger then my mom, so the conservative halter style doesnt bother me...what does is the fact that it's dark navy as well.
I was so miserably upset last night about this because, as the MOB, I dont want my mom to be overshadowed and feel bad on the day her only child gets married. My FMIL has a daughter that is 23 and a 16yo son, but my mom only has me.
What's the etiquette on the MOG wearing the same color as the MOB? I always thought that the MOB chose her color first and the MOG pretty much couldnt get that color too. Please someone help! I'm even considering calling my FMIL today to politely say that while I think the dress is gorgeous and will look great on her, I'm concerned because it's the same color as my mom's dress and you typically do not wear the same color. Am I wrong? I dont want to dissapoint my mom.