Post # 1
My fi proprosed to me January 10th, 2013, around the same time that my mother was 7 months preggo. My mom is engaged to be married to her fourth husband, and had an oops baby during their long-term engagement at age 41 (she had me at age 18). Obviously, as her daughter, I am supportive of her decisions and hope for the best for her, but she has now cancelled on every wedding-planning date we have set, and even left me stranded at Alfred Angelo Bridal Salon for two hours before calling me to tell me that she wasn’t coming.
I am upset because I feel like everyone’s attention is on her and the baby, and nobody has even asked about wedding details other than the bachelorette party. No one has thrown me an engagement party or even asked about a wedding shower.
Am I wrong for being upset? I feel guilty, but I can’t help but feel in the shadows.
Post # 3
It looks like you have a lot of time before your wedding. With the birth being so close and the wedding so far (respectively), I think it’s natural to focus on the baby and your mom. I’m sure once the baby is born, your mom will be able to commit to helping you plan somewhat, and you’ll get your moment 🙂
ETA: Oh, just wanted to make clear that I don’t think it’s right to cancel on your plans and leave you stranded at a bridal salon. Is this out of character for her?
Post # 4
Your wedding isn’t for what, another 13 months? Your mother is due in 2 months.
There’s a huge gap there. Logistically, it’s a bit unreasonable to expect attention for your wedding and bachelorette party (Do people even have them this early?) when “your day” is over a year away.
Getting engaged is exciting, but a baby is exciting too. Especially a baby that is due very, very soon.
I wouldn’t cancel anything for her, but I’d try not to feel upset about everyone not paying attention to you, either.
Post # 5
You have only been engaged a little over a month! I am not surprised people haven’t asked you when your wedding shower is. I think it’s fine that you are a little peeved, especially about leaving you stranded.
When does she want you to hold off on the e-party until? After her baby is born? She must now be in her last month, so I really don’t blame her for not wanting to party so maybe you could let her win on this one if you want her to attend?
I am worried you are going to be expecting her to attend all your appointments as soon as the baby is born and she simply won’t be able to do that.
I think you need to look at the bigger picture and of course still share all the fun with your Mom but maybe have her not is as big a decision-making role with you.
Post # 6
Leaving you stranded at the store was a crappy thing to do, but other than that… It’s natural for people to be focused on a pregnant woman. I’m sure once the baby is here, they’ll be more interested in your wedding. You still have quite some time before it happens.
You also have time before a shower, if anyone decides to plan you one. Not everyone gets a shower or an engagement party, that’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.
Post # 7
I’m sorry that your mother has been unavailable to you much of the time at a time when you are very excited about your own life. However, I agree with @windcriesamy:. Your mother is having a baby very soon, and that really does need to be her focus right now, and your wedding is more than a year away. You have plenty of time to choose a dress, and I hope when you do your mother is able to go dress shopping with you at least some of the time.
Regarding an engagement party and a shower, neither of these events is dependent upon the parents of the bride, although it is perfectly acceptable etiquette-wise for a mother of the bride to host an engagement party for her daughter if she wants to do so. If not, perhaps someone else can host it for you. Because engagement parties are not gift-giving occasions, I’ve even heard of brides and grooms hosting their own e-parties.
Bridal showers really aren’t supposed to be hosted by members of either the bride’s or groom’s family. Usually, it is the MOH and bridesmaids or other friends of the bride who host a shower. This is not generally something with which the bride herself should be involved, and showers usually take place much closer to the date of the wedding, so, in your case, about this same time next year.
I hope all goes well for your mom and her FI, your new sibling, and you and your FI!
Post # 8
You’ve got plenty of time to get all the attention you want. Don’t try to compete with an unborn baby. Relax. You’ve got months and months for an e-party.
Post # 9
You wrote… “she has cancelled on every wedding planning date we have set and left you stranded.” It’s no wonder you are upset! Your mom isn’t treating you very well. From what you have described of her life, it sounds like she lives in a lot of chaos and is not very reliable.
What you might have to do is face the reality of who your mom is and what she is capable of in terms of being there for you. And, if she is not someone you can depend on to show up for you, stop hoping that she will. Mourn that loss – because it is a painful one… and then look around to see who IS showing up for you at your very special time.
Post # 10
Thanks for the reality check, ladies. I knew I was getting a little caught up in it all. I just needed to hear it from some real brides! (:
Thanks for listening and responding!
Post # 11
Time to stop inviting mom! If she’s flaking out now, imagine how much worse she’ll be after the baby is born!
Post # 12
First things first – engagement parties and showers are gifts, they are not a given. They are common, but not guaranteed. So basically, don’t EXPECT either.
Second – chill out! You’ve only been engaged for a month and it looks like the wedding isn’t until next May? You got nearly a year before a shower.
Third – assuming your Mom would be the host of an engagement party, cut the woman some slack. She’s 8 months pregnant for chrissake.
All I can think of is Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka – “I want a party NOW!”
Sorry to be harsh but you need a dose of reality!
Post # 13
I know that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, which is why I said I felt guilty! It’s just hard because my mom tends to flake out a bit, even before she was pregnant. I also didn’t mention that she lives in another city, so for me to be at the appointment was an hour and a half drive for me. I would have gone dress shopping in the town where I live had she not asked for me to accomodate her (which I’d truly be happy to do, if she would make it).
I know I have some time before the wedding, too. The comment was less about not being offered to be thrown a wedding shower yet, and more to do with the fact that my sister and mother both have said that the event they’re looking most forward to is the bachelorette party, and called “dibbs” on throwing that.
Sorry to be a grouch. I was just a little bummed. :
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@Alexandria_Lyn: I would feel the same way. I hear ya. Must have been terrible to be stood up at your dress shopping trip! It must be really hard for you. Maybe wait for the baby to be born and see how things go?
Also, call me crazy, but aren’t your Bridesmaids supposed to be throwing you the shower?