MOB responsibilities? Mine is not helping AT ALL/making it all about her

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

While I can see how it is disappointing to not have her be as involved as you would have liked.  I don’t think it is required she help other then show up on the day of, dressed appropriately.

Her request for table assignment is a request, which you can chose to honour or ignore.  Not staying in the hotel block is totally her choice, and I don’t see how it will really affect anyone.  Not doing your make up, I don’t think just because she is good at it, means that she has to do yours.  You asked, she said no. 

It is correct that she not be involved in planning or paying for any shower.  So she is actually more correct in this aspect. 

If you want a scrapbook of wedding planning, you should get an invitation from the hosts.  She may also want a scrapbook. 

I do get that it is disappointing that she hasn’t behaved how you wanted or dreamed of her.  But I think there must be more going on, as individually all of these things aren’t that big of a deal.

Post # 6
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This sucks! I’m sorry to hear your mom is not helping. I’m not sure what the “traditional” role of the MOB is, but I know mine is helping a lot with the research aspect of things. She doesn’t do a lot of the actual planning, but I try to run things by her to get her feedback (which sometimes I take, and sometimes I don’t).

As for the showers- that sounds normal. Every wedding I have been in, the bridesmaids have planned and paid for the shower. For some the MOB has stepped in and helped, but not for all. My MOHs are planning my shower. My mom has offered to help, but I think my MOHs don’t want her to stress over it. As for the invitations, does your MOH have extra she could mail you?

Overall it sounds like your mom is being very selfish. Have you told her how you feel about how she is acting?

Post # 7
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i’m not for bride’s celebrating their wedding for a week, but that’s rude that is she planning her engagement for the week of your wedding, especially since it is almost a year away.

 

 

 

i’m sorry but she sounds very self centered and i’m sorry your don’t have a better relation. 

 

do you have another close friend or relative that you can share all the wedding stuff with and be excited about.

 

 

the knot has this list of MOB responsibilities:

http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/mother-of-the-bride/articles/mother-of-the-bride-duties.aspx

Post # 8
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think technically, the MOB is supposed to be the hostess (along with FOB). What that entails, I have no clue. My mom bought a “so you’re the mother of the bride” type book the day I got engaged and that thing is like her bible. I have no idea what it says in there, but she’s been perfect (I have a really great relationship with my mom normally, though, so that could be the influence). She comes to vendor appointments if I ask her to, she offers her opinion only when asked, and she convinced my dad to cover half our wedding budget…I don’t think I could ask for much more.

 

We aren’t at the actual doing stuff stage yet (just meetings and bookings), but I know she’s excited to help put together invitations, etc.

 

FWIW, my mom doesn’t seem very excited. When I asked her about it, she said it’s because she’s been waiting for FI and I to get engaged forever, ha!

Post # 9
Member
6859 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I  have no doubt from your description that some of your gripes and the overall dynamic are  valid but I would keep some of this in perspective: 

“She is far more concerned with her new boyfriend, picking out a sexy dress for herself- in a similar style to mine”

She can pick out any dress she likes as long as it doesn’t look like a bridal gown.     Some  “trends’  are everywhere  right now.  

“and making sure her table is front and center at the reception (far away from my dad’s table of course).”

Nothing too unusual with seating nominative or honorary hosts in centrally located tables or sitting away from exes. 

“She has already refused in advance to help me with my make up that day because she will be doing her own (she is VERY good with make up),”

That  probably would  be a time crunch – I would get your own makeup person that day. I never asked anyone who was attending my wedding as guest or host to do anything other than get ready themselves  the day of. 

“was too busy to go dress shopping with me, is refusing to stay in our hotel block because her ex (my dad) MAY stay there, and has already warned me she wont take any pictures with her and my dad both in them.”

No time for dress shopping?! She loses me there! Hotel, I can understand. Obviously, it was a bitter divorce.  Why should she have to run into her ex  any more than she has to?   Where she stays is up to her.   I do hope she can put her own emotions aside on the day of, if  for your sake.  It would be nice to get photos with both of your parents, for example.  The photos  are for you, not for her.  It’s immature,  but she’s not the first to refuse to be photographed with an ex and she won’t be the last.

“She has not contributed to any showers- My MOH plans everything and the bill is footed between BMs.” 

Traditionally, she’s not supposed to.  Family is not supposed to host a shower since it’s technically like soliciting gifts for your own. 

“The latest is that I have been having the MOH mail her invitations to every shower on purpose so I can save them for my scrapbook. Mom informed me yesterday that SHE wants them for HER scrapbook and they are HER invitations.”

This I don’t get. What’s wrong with her wanting to  keep an invitation that was sent to her?   Just tell your MOH to save you a separate invitation. 

Post # 10
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I don’t think moms have any specific responabilities, so to speak, and all of it would really depend on your relationship with your mother. My mom is very involved in my planning, whereas my best friends mother did nothing but show up.  

You know your own mother’s personality and quirks, so work around that.

Post # 11
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I don’t think MOBs are required to help at all so I’d let go of that notion.  It seems like you’re more upset that she’s being self-centered and making demands about details related to the wedding.  I’d just focus on doing your own planning, acknowledge her demands but don’t try to let it get under your skin.  Easier said than done, but good luck!

Post # 12
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:  I think it would really help you to have a therapist to talk to about your relationship with your mother. I’ve just read your previous post about her, and her keeping your invites for her scrapbook is the tip of a huge, huge iceberg.

She’s a prima donna but it’s your wedding day. It sounds like she’s managed to bully you all your life into doing what she wants so you never stand up to her. This is not a healthy relationship at all, and I think a therapist could help you navigate how best to deal with her in the future to see if she might be able to react like a rational, caring person for once. At this point it doesn’t sound like she’d take well to a heart-to-heart conversation. I wonder if you would be better off inviting your grandmother instead…

And is there any way -at all- that you can give back the money she’ll be contributing to the wedding? I foresee a major explosion and guilt trip from her about that in the future.

Good luck! I hope your planning and relationship with her becomes less stressful.

Post # 13
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry to be a downer, but my mother passed away 3 years ago. So I have no MOB. I would give literally anything just to have her there. So while I can certainly understand how frustrated you are that she isn’t more excited and more focused on you, I really hope you can take a minute to appreciate that she will be there for your wedding. As other posters have said, I don’t really have much problem with any of the things your mom is doing. As long as her dress isn’t white or a giant poufy ball gown, I wouldn’t worry about it looking too bridal. And she should get to keep her invitations and she shouldn’t be planning showers. The only one I really raise an eyebrow at is that she wouldn’t make time to go dress shopping with you, but oh well. Honestly, you’re not really going ot change her overall attitude. But you can change yours. Lower your expectations. I think your realistic expectations should be that she show up to the rehearsal and wedding on time and nicely attired and participate in those events. Anything beyond that should be seen as a bonus. That’ll save you heartache and save both of you tension and stress. It would be great if she were more involved, but I promise you can do it without her! Just take a deep breath and push forward!

Post # 14
Member
2973 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It sounds like your issues with your mother go way beyond this. I am really sorry you are in this position. Are you overall surprised by her behavior? 

My mom wishes she could help with more stuff, but I don’t think moms in general have any obligation to anything. She would love to come with me to any vendor appointment I have, and if nothing more just stand by me as I make my decisions. We live far away so I only see her every other month. 

I am essentially planning the wedding by myself. I ask mom’s and FH’s opinions once in a while but I’m the one setting up appts, making calls, running errands, footing the bill…I don’t expect anyone to help because I can’t tell people what to do, and if they offer to do it – it probably isn’t my taste, so that’s a whole different can of worms. 

Post # 15
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

I am not expecting anything from my mother at all. I don’t think anything’s obligatory.

 

Post # 16
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think most of the MOB traditions have been thrown out the window in more modern times. I dont have advice bc my mother has done everything possible. However, your mom doesnt sound so bad. You did say she is footing some of the bill. I would try and find a way to not let this ruin my day. Your bms are traditionally the ones who do your shower, not your mom. A shower is NOT a requirement. Have your MOH send you an extra invitation for your scrapbook. My mom and dad will be at a table front and center near mine.

ETA: I just saw your wedding date…is that correct?! That is almost an entire year from now. Why are you worried about your shower already? 

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