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@DisneyBrideCKB: I wish I had better advice for you hun *HUG*
Your mother is acting like a brat because she is not in control. It is fortunate you are in financial control of your wedding.
Apologize to your future inlaws and tell them why she is upset: she isnt' in control of your wedding.
As for future planning, she is showing her true colors and to keep stress off you keep herout of planning. Maybe give her a color and let her pick her MOB dress.
I hope she behaves on your wedding day :-/
Geez you mum is being a hard case. Tell her to buck it up. Explain to her that you need her to be an adult, not a child. Get it all off your chest - it will clear your head so much
@DisneyBrideCKB: You mom is definitely upset about not calling the shots so she's being diffiicult and childish FOR ATTENTION. The most important thing you must do is STOP GIVING HER ATTENTION for her bad behavior.
I would strongly suggest sitting her down (or writing her a letter if she won't listen) and explaining that her rude and inconsiderate behavior will NOT be tolerated. That if she continues, she will be included less and less in pre-wedding activities and have less and less mother-daughter contact with you.
You must remove attention from her when she behaves badly. For example, she starts badmouthing FI or his family, walk away and refuse to talk to her or respond to her until she says something that is okay, even it it's "So, what did you have for dinner?" Don't argue with her, tell her she's rude, etc. -- that's giving her attention.
If you keep this up, she will most likely stop being so negative , since the only thing it gets her is you and others walking away and not talking to her. Be prepared for her to get MORE obnoxious, rude and loud at first as she continues to try to get a reaction. If you stick with it, eventually she will change to behavior that does get her some attention, i.e. being civil or even nice.
Also, you MUST give her positive attention (talking, smiling, etc) for ANY positive interaction or comments with you or about FI and his family. Even if it's as simple as "So, did you decide on the centerpieces?" If it's not said in sarcasm, then engage her involvelment. If sarcastic, ignore and do something else.
GOOD LUCK!
I'm so sorry for you....my mother behaved a lot like this sometimes, and often made my life miserable. After my mother died, we discovered that she was bi polar and often depressed, which made her do strange and mean things. Is is possible that your mother has some kind of illness, too? Sitting down and talking to a healthy, normal person might get a good result, but with somebody like my mother (and yours, too, maybe?) a normal, rational conversation rarely got a normal, rational result. All I think you can do is ignore your mother's bad behavior and don't reward it with attention. Honor her as you see fit, and treat her better than she treats you - for your sake, if not for hers. But don't expect to change her, because I don't think it's going to happen.
Thanks so much!!
Y'all mentioned some things I hadn't considered and I think I can use going forward. Her not being in control I think is a very good point. She's always been one who wants to be in control and tells others when an argument ensues that they are control freaks. Thats been a main staple most of my life. In fact until recently, I believed I really was a control freak.
Not giving her attention for her bad behavior is a great idea. Now I feel like I'm treating her like a dog. Good Girl, here's your treat! Her behavior is undoubatably going to get worse before it gets better. Thats a scary proposition, but I think the only way to go. The only hard part is being nice when she says something not mean. Being that I am at the end of my rope I find that harder and harder. This morning she asked something nice in a text message, and I'm having a hard time responding at all. I know I need to find the strength to respond, however, so thanks for the encouragement.
As for health issues, I had thought about this before and I'm glad you mentioned it. She does have some medical conditions, and I have been told that they can cause emotional instability, but I didn't put the two together. While she isn't bi-polar, that I know of, she is depressed quite often. I'll ask my dad if he can gently suggest some help.
Can't thank y'all enough. Just knowing I am not alone, helps a lot!
You know...Moms are often put in the difficult position of either being the bad guy or the well-liked one, but 'should' always be your cheerleader. We reach a point in our lives where things seem to change overnight, and some of us have some difficulty dealing with it. For many years, our roles have been defined, and suddenly the game changes. You don't need, ask for, or want our opinions on most things, but an upcoming huge event like a wedding, is often our chance to be needed again and for us to help our kids shine.
Most of us don't want to take over or to be in the spotlight, but we do want to help plan a stress free affair for our kids. If everything we suggest or mention as maybe being a good idea or something worth pursuing or at least looking in to gets shot down, where do we fit in then? Of course there are better ways of handling things than to pout or throw a fit, but sometimes frustration at not being heard wins, doesn't it? For everybody?
Your Mom is probably facing or is already deeply in menopause, so while her actions may seem erratic to you, some women go a bit berserk when the hormones wreak havoc on their minds and bodies. Some women sail through it with few problems, but for others it can be a nightmare and cause terrible mood swings. Your Dad may be able to help in this area and at least let you know if its just the weddng thing and you or if this is something he's living with in silence. It can be a really difficult time, and unfortunately, you may be bearing the brunt of it.
Take some time to think about things and if this behavior of your Mom's is a recent development.
I hope you can work things out with her and be in a better place. :)
I would have an honest conversation with your mom telling her you want to include, but her behavior is making it very difficult. Let her know how important her support is, but that you won't let her create any more drama because you honestly have way too much going on to tolerate it.
MrsMeNow I seriously wish the rational conversation route had worked. I tried them in the beginning and they resulted in such things as her demanding 550 people for just our side of the guest list without the means to pay for it. Or mentioned to other family members, at other weddings, that she is not sure she will be invited to my weddding. Just absurd things. I've explained that I desperately want her to be a part of this wedding. I need, want, and have asked in earnest for her opinion. Again, it is met with sarcasm and tension. I keep asking however, and keep trying to include her and as I mentioned, I just suffer through the insults. Its getting old.
smyley While I know, or hope, my mother wants whats best for me and wants my day to be special, her actions and words have suggested otherwise. She at one point told me that her mother planned her wedding and she didn't get to have what she wanted on her day, so this is her chance to have it her way, and this is her day. While I am sorry for her inability to plan her own wedding, and understand that perhaps she's been waiting for this day for quite awhile, am I wrong to think this is my day? Am I wrong to "rob" her of the ability to plan my whole day? I have asked her to help me make decisions every step of the way, but it seems that if she can't have the whole thing, then she wants none of it.
At one point I did give her the reins. My FI and I sat down and said we've wiped all our plans we had make up to that point off the table and we canceled all reservations, (this was very early in the planning process without any deposits made), and we said she could do it all her way. It was not presented sarcasticly or in any mocking way. Yet, she refused. So we went back to making the plans. I'm really not sure how to make her happy, and have just stopped trying. I continue to ask her opinion, and again suffer through the "I don't cares" and the "you don't want my opinions".
The more I think about it, the more I think lizardtoo is right. My mom has been wonderful, all in all. She is smart, can be funny, and has made me the successful independent woman I am today. But this recent irrationality is bewildering. I've thought it was just wedding woes, and trying to cope with the fact that I was getting married, but I think now it might be something worse.
I couldn't possibly bring up the subject about her emotional instability. I have tried once and we didn't talk for 2 months. I'm just a daughter and I "need to grow up". Hearing from me that she might need to see someone about her "issues" is met with such irrational opposition. My only hope is Dad. Has anyone had any experience with this? Or know if a thyroid problem really causes emotional instability.
A thyroid problem can certainly wreak havoc on your whole body, as its the body's regulatory system. It can cause serious emotional issues as well as some miserable physical problems.
My daughter, right now, is in the midst of having these thyroid problems addressed, and has been diagnosed as depressed, having an anxiety disorder and panic attacks, tension headaches (migraine related) and her thyroid readings are completely erratic. She's seen a neurologist, allergist, psychiatrist, therapist, gastroenterologist, physical therapist and 2 ENT's....and no one can seem to figure out what's going on at exactly the same time. She was out of work for over 2 months due to her inability to drive or even leave her house. At this point, her thyroid is unregulated,tho they keep adjusting her meds, and she's still in therapy.
In our day, our Moms DID plan our weddings, but that's just the way it was and nobody questioned it or argued the fact. Since that's the way it used to be, is it so unfathomable that we thought it would be the same for our daughters? Now we get completely shut out and are just told to deal with it.
There certainly aren't any 'do-overs', but I'm guessing most of us have had way more experience in planning large events so at least we can help. It doesn't sound like your Mom is willing to play such a small part if she can't have it all, so you have to do the best you can without her imput. It's a shame it has come to this.
I hope you can figure out some way to help her see how much she's missing out. She'll regret it some day. :(
smyley, Thanks so much. I didn't know the thyroid is something so serious and can cause all those problems. I should have done my own research, but everything between my parents is kind of "hush-hush". I mistakenly assumed if it was serious, they would tell me.
Perhaps I should be more patient with her and try to understand that how she is acting isn't how she WANTS to act. Maybe at this stage she can't help it. I'll do some more research on the thyroid and see if I find something I can suggest to dad to ask the doctors.
I don't want her to regret anything, I want her to be a part of the wedding planning while its happening. I thought we would plan everything together and she WOULD play such a large role, helping me make the big decisions and the small ones, but she has fulfilled her own prophesy and taken herself out of the equasion. Its really hard to find the strength and the courage to keep asking when I run into insult after insult.
Thanks for the information on the thyroid. I will keep trying. ::sigh::
I agree with the previous advice and wanted to add one thing...
One thing I do recommend is talking with your fiance about her behavior. My FMIL is very... involved... in his life, and I'm not always comfortable with that. The fact that he didn't really say her behavior is unacceptable shows me that he condoned it to some degree. Luckily, we talk about it a LOT and he has revealed that he doesn't condone it. This is comforting to me, lol. If he was like, "What's wrong with mom coming over whenever she wants to do laundry?" (as an example), my jaw would hit the floor. I don't want that kind of life at all!
My mom acts up a LOT and I'm upfront about it with my fella. Although we're in this wedding-planning and marriage-building journey together, she's technically MY mother, and I can confront her a little easier than he can. It's one way we sort of talk about our future together and our marriage and what we want/don't want. You're in this together!
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I know everyone has their own drama and their own problems to deal with in their own wedding planning, but I'm really frustrated and could use some advise and some kind words. Also, maybe this will make some of you feel better about your own situations and maybe you'll get a laugh or two at my expense! If so, maybe then it will be worth going through it. Something good has to come of this!
My mother from day one of my engagement, has been very confrontational about every decison my FI and I make. From the venue to the food, to the invitations, to the guest list. My FI and I are paying for the wedding and have had to put our foot down many times on some of her very rediculous requests (like a 550 person guest list that she refused to narrow down) only to hear that we didn't really want her opinion in the first place. We've tried to include her and she now refuses to offer any more opinons, stating "you don't care what I think, anyway". So we keep trying to include her, and just suffer through the insults, but this Christmas she went a little too far for me and I am confilcted on how to handle it.
I had to work both Christmas eve and Christmas day. She was aware of this before she came to visit. I tried my best to fit in both my FI's family Christmas eve and my family Christmas day. Everyone but her was happy with the plan and the outcome. She was invited to Christmas eve dinner with my FILs, but at the last minute (literally 5 mins before we were supposed to be there) she backed out. They were dissapointed and obviously hurt. I covered for her with a reasponable and somewhat true excuse. Then Christmas day, she refused to eat with the rest of my family at meals, refused to open any gifts, (but whatched as the rest of us did) and stayed in bed pouting most of the day. When she did come out of her room, she was less than pleasant to be with and constantly gave me the stink eye.
My FILs extended another invitaiton later in the week, to which my mom asked my FI "do I have to go?" I didn't care if she wanted to or not at this point, everyone else wanted to go and had been sad they missed out on Chrismas eve because of her, so we all went. She bad mouthed my FI and I the entire night, including telling my FMIL that her son treats me like a dog, and that she will never get along with my FMIL because their zodiac signs are not compatable. Furthermore, when we got home she asked my FI, "can I stop being nice now?" She then continued to pout the rest of the evening on the couch.
They were supposed to stay through New Years, but left, unsurprisingly, a couple days ago, with her unopened presents in tow.
I am appaled at my mothers behavor, and have no idea how to handle it. My FI was so kind and supportive of me, but still it caused tension between us. He too was appaled at her behavoir. All the honor we had planned to give her at the wedding and on the invitation, he is now second guessing and honestly I am too. I want nothing more than for her to be a part of this planning process, and I want nothing more than to share this entire experience with the only mother I have, but am finding harder and harder to include her. She has fulfilled her own phoshesy. I did at one time truly care what she thought, it is her actions that are leading me to not care or even ask anymore. I hate that it has come to this.
What do I do!?