Post # 1
HELP!!! I am the MOG and having the most horrible experience of my life. When my son told me he was going to propose I was so happy for him. I loved his girl and immediately accepted her as my daughter. When it came time to get the ring he had me look with him and it was such a wonderful experience. He really didn’t have the money to get the ring so I helped him find the $$. They just got engaged 5 weeks ago while on vacation and he is still paying off the ring.
Within a few days after they got back from vacation they came to my home to show me the ring on her finger AND to show me the reception halls they had looked at. Internally I thought this was rather quick and looking at the menu and price..rather expensive. At this point I had assumed that her parents were paying for the wedding. I asked when they were thinking of getting married and got oct 2013 OR june 2014. My son works but she is in graduate school so there is no way they could afford it themselves. As we were talking about the halls I made mention of the price of $125 per person and the anticipated guest list of 200 being a heavy chunk of money and that maybe they could cut some of the menu or look at other places. She told me that she and her parents wanted a “traditional” wedding. It was then that my husband and I told them we wanted to pay for thier honeymoon and that we would talk with her parents to discuss the amount of people we would be able to invite and that we would pay for any additional guests over that number. This was on a Sunday.
On the following Tuesday we went to her parents home to meet them. I thought we were talking about an engagement party but I was quickly informed otherwise. My son told me that they didn’t want the honeymoon but instead wanted us to pay for our own guest list and they were getting married 16 months from now. At that point her mother said “we were hoping that we could do it the way my husband and I did it when we got married 27 years ago…everyone pays for thier own guest list and then we split the cost of everything else”. My husband immediately spoke up and said “then we definately can’t afford this. It was at that point that I said with the work I do I don’t make a lot of money and we are living in tough times week to week.That was when the bride got up and left the table. I thought she had gone to the bathroom but after 15 min I told my son to check on her. It turns out she was overwhelmed and just walked away. During this time the mother said “I don’t know why they don’t wait til june 2014” and I agreed with her. When they came back to the table I said maybe we can cut some of the food from the menu to cut back on the cost at which time her mother said to me “we’re italian and food is VERY important to us” I said “well…granted I’m only 1/2 italian but that doesn’t mean food is only 1/2 important to me…this is about the cost…we can’t afford it” We ended the meeting with saying we’ll talk again.
Within the following week my son told me they were going that friday to book the hall. After all the service fees & tax the total price is $135 per person. I come from a very large family and with just my siblings and my sons 1st cousins the list is 40 people totaling $6075 cost to me. I told my son I couldn’t afford that and could they wait til june 2014 to give me the time to save. I was told no. I called the brides mother and explained my situation. She tole me that she & her husband were thinking of how they were going to do it as well. They have 100 ppl on their list and that she was cutting her cousins. I told her my cousins aren’t even on my list only my sons. I told her that I would have to save $100 a week JUSt to have the money for the guest list and NOTHING else. Not my other childrens birthdays or my other son who is in college or Christmas or even Thanksgiving dinner. Her words to me were “why don’t we take a breather. I’ll talk to my husband and daughter tonite. You talk to your son and we’ll regroup” I took her at her word.
Within 10 min I recieved a text message from my son telling me how pissed he is and that they are getting married oct 2013 and either I pay for my guest list or I’m out. He also told me that there will be strangers there who won’t even know the difference if my family is there or not. I was shocked and so hurt. I called her mother and asked her what she said and that I thought we were taking a breather and regrouping. I told her what my son said to me and that there was now a wedge. No sooner did I hang up with her that I recieved another text from my son asking how I could tell this woman that she ruined our relationship and that she has treated him like a son so how could I do that to her. His finace blocked me from her phone and deleted me from social networks. My son informed that the only way he would consider fixing this is if I called her mother to apologize. I did.
My son came to talk to me so that we could fix what was happening. He apologized and said that he just wanted his future bride to be so happy and have what ever she wanted. I asked at what cost and reitereated that this was something I couldn’t afford so soon. I asked why june 2014 was ever on the table and was told it was in case her father wasn’t ok with october 2013….WOW. So that day we made an appointment and I put it in my calendar for his fiance to come over so we could talk and fix this. I was blown off. The following day there was a family picnic and when they got there they both came over to say hello and give me a kiss on the cheek. I said hello and the next thing I know they are walking back to the car. I asked if they brought a change of clothes because they were coming from a christening and my son smiled at me and gave me another kiss. My brother in law even mentioned I was special getting 2 kisses. About 10 minutes later my phone went off…I got a text message telling me that I’m nothing but drama and that I was mean to her after all she has ever been to me was nice.
What the hell do I do now?
Post # 3
The first think you need to do is take a deep breath and big step back and calm down. You seem anxious about this and I think all of the back and forth and calling her mother will not be seen in a postive light.
The second thing is they don’t have the right to demand you pay for the wedding. Since they turned down the offer of a honeymoom, take that money and pay just for your siblings and grandparents to attend.
Have a final sit down with them, you already explained yourself and clearly they don’t care. Tell them you won’t be able to split the cost of the weddings with her parents, and you can only pay for your “guest”. Your son can explian to his cousins and any other family members why they aren’t invited.
Realise your son and fdil are adults so why either set of parents are speaking to each other or making plans is beyond me. They made their choices and even if it isn’t fair stop pushing the issues. At the end ofthe day it’s their wedding and they will have to live with the choices they make regarding inviting family members and whatnot.
Post # 4
Post # 5
You don’t have to pay for anything, period. And it is very generous of you and your husband to offer to pay for the honeymoon.
I think that the bride needs to take a breather and research other options. Basically they need to decide if it’s more important to have a fancy wedding or a less fancy wedding with more people there.
If I were you, I would tell my son, “I can afford X, this is what I will be contributing.”
Sorry they are being so selfish, and frankly acting like spoiled brats!
Post # 6
If you’re willing to give them money at this point, I would sit down and give them an exact amount of what you can comfortably afford. Tell them that’s what you can contribute, and then can plan accordingly. Also provide your “wish list” for guests, tiered on who should get invited first, and go from there.
It sounds like a lot of drama, and money does that to people. Step back, let everyone calm down, and then try to discuss it with calm voices and clearer heads in a few days or weeks.
I agree with PPs and leave it to your son to explain why his family isn’t invited.
Post # 7
@TwoCityBride: I’m anxious because at this point my son is no longer talking to me because I didn’t give them the reception they expected at the family picnic.
The reason I called her mother is because they are paying and I am paying…the bride and groom aren’t. I searched high and low to find out exactly what was expected of me and the ettiquette involved as the MOG from the moment my sold told me he was asking her to marry him. In talking to my son nothing was resolved about the guest list or any other expences so I had no choice but to call her mother. Offering them what I would have paid for the honeymoon was not an option…I asked.
I’m so afraid of what this has done to our relationship and never in a million years would have thought this would happen.
Post # 8
I would sit down again with the two of them and tell them that you have x amount (the “honeymoon” money) set aside and they can spend it how they choose. Beyond that you are unable to give them any more money for the wedding.
The rest of the money and planning is up to them to plan and cover, since it is their wedding.
Post # 9
“He apologized and said that he just wanted his future bride to be so happy and have what ever she wanted.”
Well, then he can pay for it. It’s very nice of you to offer to help pay for the wedding. It’s not required of you and they can’t demand it. She sounds like a spoilt brat and I’m sure he’ll have a lot of fun dealing with her in the future.
Post # 10
If this behavior is reflective of their level of maturity, I question their getting married at all.
I would give them an amount that you are willing to contribute to the wedding (if anything at all as it is totally optional and your decision) and let them make their plans. When you decide this amount of money, keep in mind that it is traditional for the groom’s parents to host the rehearsal dinner and factor that cost into your decision.If you are asked any uncomfortable questions about the guest list etc, refer the person to the couple as they made all the decisions.
Post # 11
@MOG2013: what exactly did they expect you to do towards them at the picnic???
1. Sit down with your husband and figure out how much you’d like to contribute to the wedding and let your son/FDIL know that.
2. Sit down with your son and ask him what he perceives you are doing that is creating drama
3. Explain to him that you desire to have a relationship with him and his bride-to-be, and tell him he needs to be an active participant in that.
A relationship, any relationship, is a two-way street. If your son no longer wants to be reasonable, there’s not much you can do, unfortunately.
Post # 12
If we’re looking at traditional etiqutte, the bride’s family pays for everything except the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon.
BUT these are adults and really should be AT THE VERY LEAST contributing something.
I don’t have any advice to offer, but I’m sorry they are treating you this way. I would be curious to hear their side of this…
Post # 13
I understand you guys are paying, but they are still adults and you should allow them to act like it. You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells. I say call your son and deal with him, by all means sit down and clear the air at another time with Fdil. This seems like a bad start to the relationship, if she going to petty and get upset over nothing at the bbq.
Make your choices about how much money you will contribute and how, then let everything else go. While I don’t agree with parents giving money with strings attach, clearly when parents are paying for your wedding the bride and groom should comprimise. Their actions have made it very clear that they have no intention of doing that.
I think the best thing thing to do is set the honeymoon money and anything else you guys can save and pay for grandparents, and perhaps older family members, then let your son be the adult that he is and answers are questions to his family about the guest list. If you take a step back and the chips fall where they may you can’t be blamed for anything that goes on. They are making their bed and whether it be good or bad they can lie in it.
You can’t control their behavior. You can be firm and respectful about your own boundaries when it comes to money, and respect theirs when it comes to making choices about the wedding even if you don’t agree with it.
Post # 14
@MOG2013: I am so sorry that your son/his fiancee are doing this to you. Honestly, it’s really unfair and extremely childish of them. It sounds like you’ve tried to do whatever you can and offered to make sacrifices above and beyond what should be expected of a parent of grown child. I think other posters are right–if it’s *so* important for your son and his fiancee to have a certain type of wedding, they can make their own sacrifices to make it happen. My fiance and I are paying for a large portion of our wedding on our own (even though we are both students) because we respect our families’ financial limitations. The proper response for your son/fiancee is “thank you so much, that is very generous of you” whenever you offer to help with *anything.* Demanding that you spend money you don’t have is poor behavior from a small child, let alone from an adult. I know it’s hard because you want your son to be happy, but I think it’s time for a little tough love on this one. Good luck!
Post # 15
You aren’t expected to contribute a single dollar to their wedding – and neither is your son’s fiancee’s family. Granted, “traditionally” the bride’s family pays for just about all of it, but in this day and age – they’re adults, and any money that is given to them for the wedding should be appreciated but not expected. They need a major attitude adjustment from the sounds of it.
Post # 16
@ieatunicorns: yep this. And then take a long break from the discussions and conversations with them all.