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My mother is 70 and plus-size, the dress that she bought for the wedding is very elegant, it is very appropriate. It is black with a silver jacket (my wedding colors are black, silver and white) that makes her look slimmer than she actually is but it is semi-plain in comparison to the ballgown that my future mother-in-law would like to wear to the wedding. My fiance's mother is driving me nuts because she would like to wear a cupcake prom dress/ballgown that is actually a bit bigger at the bottom than my dress and has a large amount of jewels and gems on the top of the dress, not to mention it is strapless. The dress is the same exact cut as my dress! Including the sweetheart neckline and also the large bottom. I believe that she should look elegant and subdued to match my mother's dress but she feels that she will look matronly. I told her no and that she needs to match my mother a bit more and also that it is too over the top. She wants to dress very fancy but I believe that she is trying to purposely be the center of attention, therefore outshining my mother and worse I believe she is also trying to pull attention off of me and onto her. I know she wants to look good and she does look amazing for her age (51, slim, and beautiful) but I believe this is not the appropriate place to wear such a dress. I have talked to her several times and told her that I want her to look elegant and not overdressed but to no avail. I told her no strapless and nothing with too much beading or sequins because she will make my mom look under dressed and pull the attention away from me. She keeps talking to my fiance and raising a huge fit with him that I am trying to make her look old and that in her culture(eastern european) that this is the most wonderful day of her life and she should be dressed fancier than any other guest because everyone will think she is cheap otherwise! Am I being a bridezilla or do I have any merit? How should I approach the situation? I have honestly tried and told her how I feel but she is not listening. I just want to sit down and cry my eyes out. HELP
I'd let it go. At this point the more you tell her not to do something the more she will want to do it like a teenager. No one wants to be told no.
I don't think you need to worry about her outshining you, that is imporssible and in the end it'll look bad on her not on you or your fam. She doesn't need to match your mother either. Some things you just cannot control and that is people's outfits. My aunt wore a gaudy huge tiara to her son's wedding. She was the one who looked like a clown and it didn't effect the couple.
oh dear, to be honest the only one who will look silly is her, can you post a pic of the dress she wants to wear?
I think it's fine to let her wear whatever she wants. Also, there is something to be said for her coming from a different cultural background. Many Eastern European cultures love sparkle. I took a German course with a Russian girl who dresed like she should be in a music video on to attend classes each day, I can only imagine what she would wear to a wedding.
I agree to just let it go. She's the one who is going to look ridiculous, not you. No matter how similar her dress is to yours, there is no way she's going to be mistaken for the bride.
Maybe compromise with her and tell her she can wear a fancy gown as long as it is not a ballgown?
I like zippylef's idea of the compromise to let her wear a fancy gown, just not one quite as similar as your dress. Good luck!
I felt like I was reading my own story. My FMIL is trying to look over the top and wants dropped waist poof and even considering a few prom gowns. All I'm thinking is "c'mon woman".
If your FMIL is anything like mine you're not going to get your way here. No matter what we say its not going to sink in without causing a rift of some sort. Has your FI stepped in? If he told her that he would be upset with her for having a production of a dress compared to yours it might mellow her down a bit.
Just remember you won't be the one who looks ridiculous.
My Grandpa's wife is Romanian so I know a little bit of where she is coming from. Let her do the sparkle, insist she drop the strapless and poof. A little poof would be fine, but there is no way strapless is appropriate for someone 50+ years old. You can do spangly, elegant, and non-matronly easily.
Honestly, I'd let this one go. I completely understand why you're upset, but you're not going to win here. She's either going to wear the dress she wants or she's going to drive you insane by complaining that she didn't get to wear the dress she wanted to wear.
No one will confuse you with her. If she's overdressed and silly looking, it will reflect on her; not you and certainly not your mom.
I went to a weding recently where the MOG wore a VERY low cut sequined see through in parts dress - she looked ridiculous and did not out shine the bride nor any other guest - she just looked a total idiot and everybody was laughing at her behind her back. She even bought another outfit to wear at the reception which was just as bad - even the bride didnt change for the reception. She obviously wanted to be the centre of attention and for every1 to comment on what she was wearing - she just looked like a fool and yes every1 commented on what she wore - behind her back and I dont think she would of liked what they were saying lol! I wouldnt worry about it, I would just let her wear what she wants and if she wants to look stupid let her...all eyes will be on you
I would just let her wear what she wants. You will still be the center of attention regardless of what your FMIL wears.
Maybe I'm just a bitch, but I think the dress you've described sounds really inappropriate. I wouldn't budge on not wanting her to outshine you or your mom. Especially if your parents are hosting this, your mom should stand out as the honored host of her daughters wedding. Your FMIL sounds like a brat, and for me, that makes me want to accomodate people even less. If it's cultural, let her wear sequins, but she needs to get over the poof and the strapless gown. I hate how this is going to sound, but she needs to be put in her place about who is the center of attention that day, which is you and your future husband. I wouldn't let my FMIL get away with it, even if dropping it meant less headache for me. I think you should stand your ground and if you feel as though she's trying to be a difficult bratty, immature person and outshine your and your mom, you shouldn't let her. Compromise, but make it known that nothing she's going to wear is going to compare to your dress, nor should it totally outshine your mother. Again, just my opinion. If that sounds bitchy, I'm sorry. I have an odd, difficult, and sometimes tactless FMIL so I have a bad taste in my mouth for people like that.
I would let it go. Just let her do whatever she wants, in the end she is the one that will look ridiculous.
My MIL was the opposite for our wedding. My mother had a lovely evening gown in a deep purple (our colors were purple, green, silver/grey) and my MIL showed up in a LEATHER pencil skirt and a red sweater. One of my bms gasped when she saw her. In the end my MIL has said she should have dressed up more to match my mom (she originally had a grey evening gown picked out...no clue what happened to it).
@ yellowshoe- LOL! OMG. Sorry, the part about the bridesmaid gasping is hilarious.
Who are all these people?? Tiaras? Prom dresses? Is it crazy to anyone else that there are so many MILs who think its ok to dress like this?
I wouldn't worry about it...she will definitely not outshine you. She will just showcase herself as a complete and total idiot which will make you look even better! :)
Unfortunately you can't dictate how other adults dress (excpet the bridal party of course). I think her behavior is tasteless, but her actions will only reflect poorly on her, not you or your parents.
Or- WHOOOOOPSIES, "accidentally" spill red wine all over it, but then you're behaving badly as well, so not really a good idea...but funny to think about :)
I agree with PP's... she will look silly and this wouldn't reflect on you.
I would stand your ground. I didn't, and my MIL ended up wearing the top half of a wedding dress to my wedding. I regret letting her do that every time I see the pictures.
Lol, some people. OP I would try one last time to get her to see the light, but chances are you won't be able to. I think you'll have to just let it go. Though I would request that she at least stick to non-ballgown dresses. I don't know why anyone would want to wear a ballgown unless they had to, lol. I mean it's a big enough pain to wear them for proms or our own weddings! But whatever.
My shared horror story: I have a friend whose mother totally outshined her at her own wedding on purpose. It was really sad. I kept hearing the single guys saying how "hot the bride's mom was" and how "it must suck to have a hot mom on your wedding day" and all this crap. :/ She wore a strapless evening gown with a slit halfway up her thigh. It wasn't trashy looking (well, not really, plus she's pretty young) but still. She knew exactly what her daughter would be wearing and chose something like that to wear. It baffled us all.
@DaneLady: Unfortunately you can't dictate how other adults dress (excpet the bridal party of course). I think her behavior is tasteless, but her actions will only reflect poorly on her, not you or your parents.
Or- WHOOOOOPSIES, "accidentally" spill red wine all over it, but then you're behaving badly as well, so not really a good idea...but funny to think about :)
THIS^^^^. It might be in inappropriate dress and if she asks your opinion you can tell her. You could also have your FI ask to see the dress and when he does he could ask/tell/hint that it might be a bit inappropriate for your wedding. But you can't dictate what she wears at all and to try and do so will make you look like a bridezilla. =/
Don't worry! Just let her wear what she wants. As PPs have said, it will reflect poorly on HER, not you and she will most certainly not out-shine you!
Trust me, there is NOTHING anyone can do to take the attention from you on your wedding day. Everyone is there to see you and everyone will be focused on you and your husband saying your vows, you and him dancing, you and him cutting the cake, you and him being toasted. While your future mother in-law's dress may not be what you want, it won't take away from you on your day and will help her to have a great time and remember yoru wedding with joy.
Let it go. If she wants to look tacky, she'll look tacky. You've already kindly requested she not go with something that gaudy, and she's ignored it. Your mom will look understated and elegant and your MIL will look silly. That's unfortunately how these things go sometimes. And I don't care how good your MIL looks, at 50 she's going to look like a fool in a strapless ballgown.
@AmeliaBedelia: man, that's messed up!
Sheesh, reading these horror stories I want to conk these people on the head!
Honestly I completely agree with akp0702. I wouldn't worry about her out shining you but she shouldn't out do your mom no matter who is paying for it.
I am sorry you had to go through this. If I were you, I would suggest try the suggestion by another bee here to try to compromise her with another gown that is not a ball gown.
It sounds to me your FMIL is not budging so chances are she might not change. And I can assure you she can't ruin your day or take attention away from you or your mom.
Trust me. I have gone to a wedding and similar situation for your case, not as extreme. The bride's mom dressed elegantly, matches her age. Very appropriate.
Groom's mom on the other hand, changed a few gowns throughout the day. The evening gown was in gold and sparkle.
It shows the mom's personality, you know. Groom's mom attracted attention, but not in a good way. But again, people were only talking behind her back.
Honestly, since you can't talk her out of it. I would leave it. Obviously she is willing to take all the humiliation. I think you are developing a lifelong relationship with this woman and it's not worth damage the relationship permanently over a dress. It sucks I know, but I can assure you you will still be the beautiful bride that day. Even if your FMIL wears the same dress as you, she won't be as pretty as you are :)
The thing that irks me the most and tips me off that she's just trying to be a heinous MIL from hell is the fact that she's whined that you're trying to "make her look old/matronly and it's the most important day of HER life". She's not playing up the culture thing, everything about her bitchy (sorry) behavior is childish, selfish, and rude. It's pretty clear to me that she's tryign to make this about her (see aforementioned quote from OP), whether she secretly want to try to outshine you or your mom etc, she's way out of line. I vote that you shut her down and have your FI back you up. If it was the most important day of HER LIFE becuase her husband was marrying the love of his life, she's be more than willing to compromise or accomodate your opinions. The fact that she's digging her heels in and crying about it becasue she wants to look great (not to mention the infuriating fact that the dress is larger than yours/cut similarly) for her own selfish reasons, not to honor you or your husband. She needs a reality check. I totally agree that you're the bride and you and your hubs will be the center of attention, but she shouldn't be allowed to get away with this. Sorry, i re-read your OP and it just made me mad all over again.
ETAL: maybe all of the PPs are just better and more understanding people than I am, but this woman is not at all considering the feelings of her future daughter in law or her family and I think it's disrespectful, among other things. It obviously bothers the OP, so wouldn't letting it go possibly bother her on her wedding day when she's got her MILs poofy, sparkly prom dress flashing in her face when she knows she specifically did not want her to wear something of that caliber? Ughh I'm sorry maybe I'm projecting bc my FMIL can be soo ridiculous and almost all interactions with her I end up dreading.
@AmeliaBedelia: This is horrible. My mouth was hanging open after reading this. Who are these people??? Ugh. Seriously.
@akp0702: I agree with you. However, I also see everyone else's point that you can't "ban" a grown woman from wearing something (no matter how much you want to). Therefore, it's best to just let it go and let her appear the fool.
@Lulusmom: No I definitely agree that 'banning' her is a great way to get her to dig her heels in further. She is an adult and if she wants to look like a fool and elicit eye-rolls and head-shakes, thats on her, not the OP. I do, however, think the OP should feel empowered to stand her ground about the dress she's choosing. Strapless, sweetheart neckline, poofy ball gown skirt that is actually MORE voluminious than the OPs wedding gown? I think all here can agree that is in bad taste. I'm all for compromise. Her culture wears sparkly gowns? Fine. Add some straps, a more age-appropriate neckline, and a slimmer skirt and I think she's well within her rights to ask her FMIL of that. I dont' think she should say "you can't waear anything flashy, I don't care what you say. you're wearing ______ because I say so" . I just hate when people like her FMIL get away with things like that when they are obviously being selfish!
@akp0702: I agree with you. This dress sounds completely inappropriate and is meant only to distract. Yes, the OP can ignore...and that's usually what I say to do. But in this case, if she's making comments about it being 'her day', then the FI should sit her down and tell her he doesn't think it's appropriate and would like her to wear something different.
Of course, then she'd probably pick a white, skin-tight dress with a 3-ft train.
In the grand scheme of things, your MIL's attire is not a battle worth fighting. You're gonna need that energy later, when it's about the relationship between you two and your in-laws, or about your kids and Gramma showing up unannounced "just to visit", or your MIL trying to stick her nose where it doesn't belong, etc. This is a sign that she has some issues with being the center of attention and behaving inappropriately, so you really need to spend this time carefully establishing boundaries to keep her needs and negative behaviors from affecting the health of the new family that you are forming with your FI.
All it takes is a complete stranger to walk up to her in a store and give her a totally disgusted look. Seriously, pay a stranger $10 and your problems are solved.
If you're not into that sort of thing, let it go. She's going to look bloody ridiculous and it will make for some highly entertaining wedding pictures.
Having been to three weddings where the moms or guests seriously took attention away from the bride, I would totally stand my ground. At the very least no strapless and nothing poofier than your drress! An age appropriate dress doesn't have to look matronly, she's just being ridiculous.
I guess I am one of the only ones that finds this ridiculous. She is a grown woman and should be able to choose her own dress for the wedding. You can't expect both mothers to have the same taste in clothing, especially when they are so far apart in age.
I hate to pull out this card (because I realize it is a little obnoxious) but you should be happy that both of your mothers are healthy and able to be at your wedding.
"She wants to dress very fancy but I believe that she is trying to purposely be the center of attention, therefore outshining my mother and worse I believe she is also trying to pull attention off of me and onto her."
Exactly was I was thinking. I would so something about it. Then again, if you do and she changes her dress, she may show up in ivory.
The best revenge you can get on this moron of an MOG is to just let her wear her dress. It sounds like she's going to look ridiculous in it. Who wears a ballgown that puffs out like a cupcake to a wedding? Except the bride?! Let her wear it, let her think she's the damn Queen Bee while every other guest whispers to each other "Who the Eff is that looney toon?"
This woman sounds pathetic.
Cry your eyes out, seriously?! Annoying yes, tears no. I'd let your fi take care of this 100%. if he doesn't think it's a big enough deal to say anything I'd move on. Not even worth the animosity. Save the tears for a real battle.
Your story made me laugh, only because my MIL did the SAME THING, except the dress she chose was WHITE and cost more than my bridal gown! I did put my foot down-- I made my husband talk to her and tell her "no." From then out, she would have nothing to do with me or the wedding. She bought a Salvation Army dress (I know sometimes they have unique cute things but this dress was not one of them...) made out of denim for $5 and looked freaking ridiculous in the pictures.
In retrospect: it is NOT worth it, just let her wear what she wants.
All I can say is she is going to look rediculous, tell her that you aren't trying to make her look matronly- just APPROPRIATE. Unless you are having an incredibly swanky black tie affair it is NOT ok for a guest to wear a ballgown!
Maybe show her some pictures of dresses that you DO like for her? Maybe push past your comfort zone a little bit for her and she'll see that you are trying too.
You can't control what another adult does, by trying it looks bad on you. Let her make a fool of herself and be done with it. It sucks, but in the grand scheme of things this will be a funny story years down the road.
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