(Closed) MOH acting strange

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
87 posts
Worker bee

Ok.  For the first one, what she said about the gifts for wedding vs. bridal shower, just let it go.  What your guests give you, and whether they give you only a shower gift or only a wedding gift, isn’t up to you.  It’s lame that she said that, but there’s nothing you can really do at this point.  Hopefully people won’t do what she said!

Second:  once again, you can’t demand that she give you a wedding gift.  If she can’t afford it, or feels like she can’t, or doesn’t want to spend more money after the shower, whatever, then that’s that.  I would try to have some understanding about this–while it’s kind of strange that she refused help from the other BMs and your mom, maybe she felt like it would be more meaningful for her to do it herself, maybe she thought that was her responsibility as Maid/Matron of Honor…or maybe she’s a control freak, but whatever.  She had her reasons for what she did, but I’m sure you have a long relationship with her, if she’s your Maid/Matron of Honor, so try not to take it personally if she doesn’t get you a gift–she was very generous with the shower and I’m sure worked hard at it.

As for the hair and makeup, I don’t think that’s your responsibility (unless, maybe, you’re requiring that everyone do it.)  It’s rude of her to demand that you pay for it.  I would tell her that you just don’t have the money in your budget for hair and makeup, and while she’s welcome to get her hair done for the wedding on her own dime, she’s also perfectly free to do it herself for free.  Be kind, but don’t cave just because you feel guilty–it’s an unreasonable request, IMO.

Finally, for the last one, yeah, I think that was tacky, and it’s definitely weird that she wants your BMs to go in with her on a $40 gift when she makes more money than all of them…but it really isn’t your problem. I would stay out of this one–if she’s communicating with the other BMs about it and not you, let them handle it.  And if they already got gifts, then it’s up to Maid/Matron of Honor to decide whether she can shell out the $40 or not, and if she doesn’t want to, well, see first paragraph above.

I definitely sympathize with you, she is acting really weird and kind of rude.  Maybe it’s hormones, maybe being Maid/Matron of Honor is more stressful than she thought and she’s just having trouble…whatever.  She’s probably going through her own stuff right now, so don’t take her weirdness personally, it’s probably not about you.  In the grand scheme of things, a lot of her weirdness is not stuff you need to worry about, so try to let it go.

One more thing–I just read your last paragraph, and remember that the best friend/honesty thing is a two-way street–whatever you’re feeling right now, you can always just sit down and talk to her about it.  She might appreciate being able to talk to you about what’s stressing her out, if that’s what’s going on–maybe she feels like you expect a lot from her and she doesn’t think she can make it all perfect or something.  It might be helpful to reassure her that you appreciate everything she’s done and that she doesn’t need to worry about making it "perfect"–she’s your best friend and what matters is that she be with you and support you as you make this big step in your life, not that her hair is perfect or she gets you exactly the right wedding gift or whatever.

Post # 4
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

oh no……this is bad. 🙁

i am struck dumb by the fact that she has told guests not to bring you a gift. fine, for the wedding, but this is what a SHOWER is for, no?

would it be possible to speak with her honestly and candidly? you 2 are bestfriends, right? sit her down and tell her that you’re a bit confused. Tell her that if she is paying more for the shower than she had planned let her know that the other bms are willing to chip in financially (make sure they are 1st!)

and gently remind her what she said about hair and makeup. tell her that bc of this you did not budget to take care of this expense and would not be able to.

personally, i think the hormones probably are getting the best of her, but it may not be wise to mention the hormone factor. that might set her off…….

Post # 5
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Is she having her first child? Maybe money issues have come up between her and her husband and because they have always earned so much, having to crunch now that a baby is on the way is making them panic and they’re too proud to admit it?

Just voice your concerns about her acting funny. She’s your friend, so she should be more than willing to listen.

I agree with GetMarried4Less on reminding her that it was her idea to have the bms pay for their own hair and makeup. That’s how it’s typically done anyway, unless the bride chooses to do it as a gift.

Let her know that you appreciate everything she’s done but that she can always ask for help on the shower expense if she needs it.

Post # 6
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I assume that since she is your Maid/Matron of Honor you must be close, if this is uncharacteristic of her just try to let it roll off you, its probably hormones or stress.  I have found already selfish friends get overly selfish when they are pregnant.  Nothing you can do about it, just try not to damage your friendship 2 years from now.  Let it go, you are not responsible for her behaviour.  Also as a friend maybe you should ask her is she needs someone to help with some of the Maid/Matron of Honor tasks due to her pregnancy

Post # 7
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Sounds hormonal. It’s so up and then down and never really consistant for more then a little bit that it really seems that way. When I was pregnant I was like this, but I would have never taken on a bridal shower nearly alone and refuse help while being pregnant.

I would calmly explain things to her – people (non that I know anyway, could be a location thing…) have ever seperatly registered for a bridal shower – I’ve always gone off wedding ones, and while giving a gift at one is up to the guest, it is also up to them if they want to give you a wedding gift. She shoulnd’t be dictating when they give you things.

That would be like you not giving her a gift at the baby shower, because you plan to bring one when she deliveres to the hospital, or not giving someone a birthday gift because their b-day is near x-mas…

While I’m sure you’re not really worried about gifts and how many you get, still – that was rude.  

anyway enough of that….lol go over the hair and makeup thing for her, how it was her idea, wexplain that she’s been offered monotary help and denied it….expect some crying – but I can’t imagine that she she wouldn’t understand your reason and explanation and how this is really ruining things for you. While you’re happy she’s pregnant – this stuff right now is about you.  

I don’t think she was prepared for the emotional overhaul pregnacy would have on her. I think talking to her is the best option right now.  

Post # 8
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Why would the guests ask if they should give a gift?  Isn’t that customary for a shower?  That is what I find strange.  As for her, she is probably just hormonal.  And while she may have suggested they get their hair and makeup done, she maybe didn’t realize all the costs would add up so much?  Just tell her that since you aren’t requiring them to get it done, you don’t feel it is your responsibility, and she is welcome to do her hair/makeup however she pleases.  She wanted the job of shower planner, and she got it – not your problem.  I didn’t expect any gift from my wedding party, for the shower or wedding.  I think its odd that she won’t spend $40, but she doesn’t really have to give you anything.  I would just focus on the part about paying for her hair and stuff, which you don’t have to do, and if you do it for one you should do it for all – so don’t do it at all!  It also sounds like the shower can’t have cost much, if its not being catered or anything….She is probably just worried about money because of the baby.

Post # 9
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I am so sorry you are being subjected to this silliness.  Sounds like this is a typical case of MOH-remorse.  She accepted the role because it felt good to be picked.

But when money starts being spent and the time commitment is clearly evident, MOHs & BMs have a tendency to get annoyed, and sometimes resentful.  It’s terrible because you wouldn’t expect it from someone who was important enough that you picked her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. 

She’ll never admit it, but she might be having trouble dealing with the attention & spotlight on you.  So she wanted to take on the shower host duties so she could shine a little, but she seems annoyed about the costs and time commitment.

I would definitely talk to her, and let her know you feel like she is stressed and not happy, and you wouldn’t want her role as Maid/Matron of Honor to cause issues.  If it’s too much, then ask her to assing some duties/costs to the other BMs who have offered to help. 

And I agree with what the gals said above about hair & makeup.  If she doesn’t want to pay for it, then she’s welcome to do her own. I’m assuming you discussed costs upfront & early, so it’s her decision to make.  Good luck, breath, and try not to take it personally.  Weddings cause people to freak sometimes.

Post # 10
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

the whole point of a shower is to get gifts…WHY ELSE would you have one????

All her questions/concerns/b*tching has been about money…maybe that perfect facade…I make more money than you…is just NOT TRUE. Maybe the whole Maid/Matron of Honor business is causing stress in her relationship due to the spending?? tho it sounds like so far…everybody else is pitching in, maybe not with real $$ but she’s cutting costs by asking others to bring stuff…

 I don’t quite get it…I hate when people say "oh, she’s pregnant..is hormonal" but I guess in this case it could be…how far along is she? It could also be resentment that everything is about you and not her baby??? 

Post # 11
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This may be a silly question, but it goes off what V said – is anybody throwing her a shower?  Is that something that might be your responsibility as her friend?  (I know usually its family, but sometimes if there isn’t a lot of family or family isn’t around, it falls on the friend.)  I don’t mean to heap anything on you, but it is possible that she expected you to be there for her the way you expect her to be there for you, and since both of you have your own stuff going on, neither of you can fulfill your obligations.  

If somebody did, maybe that’s where she got her idea about showers versus the wedding – for a baby shower, you register, because there isn’t really an "event" like a wedding.  Maybe remind her of this and tell her that while you don’t expect it from her, other people may anticipate buying both a shower and wedding gift and nobody registers separately for a shower.  

I second reminding her about the hair/makeup thing – tell her that you didn’t budget for paying for hers because she had said it was her/the other bridesmaids responsibilities.  But if you have a makeup handy friend/relative, ask her to help your MOH/other BMs out with makeup instead of her paying for that herself – that will help bring the cost down for everybody.  

Are you sure the gift is $40?  Maybe that was supposed to be each person’s share?  Was it a gift you would really like, because then it really is the thought that counts.  

The economy is hitting everybody hard right now – maybe her fancy job costs a lot in gas money to get to, or she is staring down the cost of a LOT of diapers, baby supplies, and child care costs.  Pregnancy and children can make people very consumed with frugality.  Maybe say gently to her, "you seem to be having a lot of financial difficulty lately.  Is being my Maid/Matron of Honor too much of a drain on you?" and then see how you can help out.   

Post # 12
59 posts
Worker bee

Wow. It sounds like she’s under some sort of stress–perhaps something happened recently in terms of money or something, and she’s looking at things differently than how she previously had.

I think I would try to take a deep breath, and just sweetly check in with her about how things are going with her. Make a point of not even bringing up your wedding stuff, for just this one conversation. Ask how she’s feeling, and if she’s getting stressed at all about … whatever. Just be her friend, and try to offer a listening shoulder.

After that, hopefully you’ll have a better idea of what’s going on with her. And if you need to address some of her recent stances on spending & your wedding activities/gifts, approach her about that in another conversation… The possiblity that this has something to do with a baby shower for her is an especially interesting one…

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