MOH already complaining….

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsVekas2015:  You should want her as MoH to stand by you as a supportive friend. Not as an ATM for your wedding vision. It doesn’t matter what she makes or what else she spends her money on, if she says she can’t afford a $200 dress she’ll never wear again that you picked out, then she can’t.

Post # 3
Member
3514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

MrsVekas2015:  200 dollars for a dress she’s going to wear once is a bit much. Just because she doesn’t have a family doesn’t mean she has the means to spend 200 on a dress. She also doesn’t have to throw you a shower, she’s there to give you moral support not financial support. David’s Bridal has tons of dresses for 150 and under! Check them out you might be surprised as to what you find. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1437 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

MrsVekas2015:  I’m sorry, but it’s her money, and she has a right to set a limit for what she’s willing to spend on a bridesmaid dress.

The way I see it, as a bride you have two options:

1. have the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, but realize that you will have to work within their preferred budgets.

2. buy their dresses for them and get whatever you like.

I can’t believe you are actually thinking of asking her to “step down” over this. Why not just pay the extra $50 yourself? Problem solved.

Post # 5
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

MrsVekas2015:  did you bother to ask your BM’s what their budget was? Because that is the budget you should be working on. Either find a dress within their budget, pay for the difference between their budget and the dress price or pay for the dress yourself.

It is really uncool to count other people’s money and please you are choosing to spend $12k on a wedding. How about you cut your own dress budget down so you can get your dream BM dresses? Or get less expensive flowers? 

Post # 6
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

There are too sides to this coin. It is wrong of her to have accepted you MOH invite without expecting to spend some money, but it’s also wrong for you to be side-eyeing her finances and expect her to pay because she “works full time and doesn’t have kids and isn’t contributing to anything else”. I just can’t imagine a very close friend of yours not being willing to pay if she has the means…

 

that at said I think this will just be something you will have to comprmoose on. Sit down with your MOH and help set HER budget for your wedding. If anything you are set on having falls outside of that then agree to help pay. Your MOH is totally right about BM dresses being way cheaper online, why not compromise by trying on dresses in store and then finding similar styles online, you can always ask what material the dress is made of.

 

or better yet there are plenty of beautiful, formal, dresses out there that are not labeled as BM dresses so do not carry the BM price tag, that would easily pass as BM dresses! Go check out some department stores, especially with the holidays around the corner, this is when all of the best cocktail and event dresses come out!

 

that said, at the end of the day it is YOUR wedding, and you will have to be responsible for any cost your BMs can’t front.

Post # 7
Member
988 posts
Busy bee

 

MrsVekas2015:  I’m not sure if this would work for you, but what I have done is given my sister/MOH general guidelines (basically just length and color–though I’m not being super picky as far as shade, I told her to get as close as possible to a sample swatch I gave her) and am letting her take control. She’s looking online (because even the $150 your MOH is willing to spend is pretty steep for my group of girls) and has sent me some links to make sure she’s on the right track. I’m letting her do all the searching so that she finds something she’s willing to wear at a price she’s willing to pay, but I’ll still get to approve or veto before they all buy. It’s taken all the stress away from me and I’m super happy I decided to do it this way!

Post # 8
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

I’d have to agree with all PP’s… just because she’s agreed to be your MOH does not mean that she agreed to pay for what you want her to wear.  Part of asking your BM’s and MOH is discussing how much they can afford, what you’re willing to pay for for them, etc., it’s not just asking them to be there with you. 

If the situation were in reverse and you were the one who was paying, I’d say then you have reasonable grounds to be miffed at her picking an expensive dress that YOU’D be paying for so she has the same right to say to you that she can’t afford the dress that you picked out.  You’ll have to work together on this for sure but you definitely shouldn’t be considering asking her to step down over a dress… it’s one day for like twelve hours that she’ll be wearing this dress so keep that in mind as well!

 

Post # 9
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

If she can’t afford it, she can’t afford it. You really don’t know her financial situation…. Asking her to step down bc of her not being able to/won’t pay for certain things is kinda low of you. If you aren’t paying for their hair to be done, then she has every right to do it herself. 

Post # 10
Member
5016 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

MrsVekas2015:  David’s Bridal actually has most dresses 100-150. Some of my bridesmaids dresses (they were allowed to choose the style) ended up being on sale for $79! Bottom line is, you need to ask all bridesmaids for a budget and stick to something within that budget – that way they can’t complain about spending money. 

As others have said, her money is her money and she gets to choose how to spend it. 

Post # 11
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

Every ones financial situation is different. If she can’t afford it, she can’t afford it.

You guys need to come to a compromise about a figure you both are happy with.

does this figure cover enough for dress, hair, shoes, jewellery? It’s needs to ve made clear to everyone who is paying for what and a budget that everyone can get on bored with. 

Then go from there. 

Post # 12
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee

MrsVekas2015:   Before I got married, had a kid, had expenses, I still wouldn’t want to drop $200 on a dress that I can only wear once.  Depending on the make, and style of the dress she may never be able to wear that dress agian.  While I think she’s going about it wrong, I can understand both your POVs.

Hers: I don’t have all of this money to spend

Yours: It’s my wedding day

However, sad to say, not everything revolves around you.  How do you know that she isn’t financially suffering or saving for something else?  You say you know, but you really don’t unless you discuss finances with her.

It is your choice that you’re spending $12K.  She shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because she has to spend $1K to be in your wedding at the end of it (that’s a 1/12th of the cost).  If she truly can’t afford to be your MOH, then she should step down, but in the end, what’s more important her ability to fund everything you want her to be able to or to maintain a friendship?

Post # 13
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

I also chose an expensive dress for my bridal party. While I could’ve gone the Etsy route, I am personally opposed to getting replicas made because I have strong feelings about trademark/copyright infringement and because several of my bridesmaids said they liked the dress enough to wear it again to a formal event. 

Now, as $250 is an expensive burden to ask anyone to bear, I offered to pay for half of each girl’s dress. Some said yes to my offer, some said no, but all in all, everyone has agreed to purchase the same dress. I am very grateful to my friends for doing this and realize they definitely didn’t have to. <br /><br />

I can empathize with you, however, because one of my bridesmaids seemed very unhappy with the cost of the dress even with me covering 50%. I wrote on here about being frustrated because she wouldn’t tell me what she could afford or how I could help – she just said the dress was too expensive and wouldn’t help me find an alternative, which I would’ve done if she had said, “I can only spend $___.” It turns out that she’d expected me to cover almost all of the costs of being in the bridal party (I know this is the norm for UK bees but I am from the States). I told her I couldn’t do this, nor could I afford to buy everyone’s dress out right. I told her if she could find a similar alternative, that’d be fine. In the end, she decided to go with the same dress as everyone else and I’m paying for half. 

It can be frustrating but keep in mind that a) people aren’t obligated to spend $200 on a dress, b) it’s mean to drop someone because of money issues, and c) a wedding isn’t worth losing friends over. 

 

Post # 14
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

MrsVekas2015:  Different people have different financial priorities, and you have to respect that.  If there are things you really want (like a certain dress or professional hairstyling), you do have to be prepared to pitch in above your MOH’s budget.

That being said, I think sometimes when people complain about the money when they don’t have any apparent financial issues, there’s something deeper going on.  Is it possible she’s not interested in being part of the wedding anymore and that’s why she’s complaining about this stuff?  You can’t really ask that outright, but I would sit down with her and outline your expectations for her, both in terms of time and money, and make sure you are on the same page. You don’t want to have every little thing be an issue, so it’s better to get it all out at once. 

If she bristles at everything, then that might be the time to ask if she’d prefer to attend as a guest (but I would save this as a last resort, as this can also be a serious friendship-altering move, possibly a friendship-ending one).

Post # 15
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

MrsVekas2015:   There are tons of beautiful dresses for much less.  What about asking her budget & shopping around  to try and find another dress you love?   You are spending $12,000 on your wedding because you want to.  I think if you should take into account other people’s budgets and ask them what they can afford to spend on a dress, rather than making assumptions of their finaces.  If you still must have the dress, pay for it yourself or split the costs.  

Step out of “wedding mode” and think if she is really being unreasonable.  It is easy to get out of touch with reality when it comes to weddings.  It’s only $200-  well thats my light bill for a 1.5 months or almost 3 months of car insurance.  Maybe some people have more important things to do with their money than being forced to buy a one time wear dress.  

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