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I think you need to take a deep breath, and remember that everyone will know it is your day. You're still going to be wearing the white dress, exchanging vows, and having your very own paparazzi.
While, it may be frustrating that they ask things of you, to celebrate vicariously through you, it is up to you to decide if you want to honor that request. I don't know that there is a "good" way to confront them about it if you decide to go that route.
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Maybe you didn't give all the details, but based on what you said, I don't think you should let this get to you. They chose a small wedding. OK. You chose them to be your honor attendants, as well as agreeing to choose things they've requested. I don't think it's a huge deal for your MOH to wear different jewelry than the other girls. I'm not sure how different all the tuxes will be, but it's fine.
What is "their song" situation? Are you dancing to it, as the first dance? Is it the song for the bridal party? (I'm assuming the second). Did you think, Ok fine I didn't care too much about the song anyway? Or did you think you'd like another song and just caved to someone else's request? If it's that big of a deal, I'm sure you can change the song. But if you really didn't care, originally, I wouldn't change it, just because she's trying to live a little vicariously through you.
Keep in mind they are your honor attendants. Maybe it's not the coolest for them to make all kinds of requests. But for the two of them to have such a place in your lives, I would think you'd want to try to let some of this stuff pass for the sake of your friendship. If it's really bothering you stand up for doing what you want, next time.
And as part of your BP, they will naturally get some attention, being announced, BP dance, walking down the aisle etc. But if you are concerned that they will somehow try to take over more attention than they'd naturally get, try to give heads up to the DJ/band. Let them know that there are certain songs you don't want played or that you don't want them handing the mic over to people. But honestly, I don't see this as a huge deal. They probably regret not having a wedding. And even though they are "excited" for your wedding, at the end of the day, they will know the wedding isn't theirs. Be happy that they are excited for the wedding, instead of being distant and moody, like so many brides see in their BMs.
I really wouldn't worry about it. A tux and a necklace are not going to turn them into the bride and groom :) They probably just want to be involved, which I think is nice. As long as you enjoy their company and they are not influencing your choices too much I really don't see a problem with it. It will be your day regardless. Enjoy having friends who want to participate in making it special.
I also wouldn't let it bother you too much. You have so many other things to worry about. No one will notice her jewelry is different from all the other BMs and as far as your best man, a tux is a tux and at the end of the day they all pretty much look the same. As for their song, whenever it is played during the reception, no one will really know it was their song, they'll just think it's another song to dance to. So don't worry, no one will confuse your wedding as theirs.
I wouldnt' worry too much. Like everyone else has said, there isn't going to be anyone there who is confused about who the bride and groom are! And also, if they drop any more 'requests' that you don't feel comfortable with, you can always just smile and nod and then 'forget' to do them on the day.
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Last weekend, my FH, his best man, my MOH (they are married) and I were all hanging out at their house. My MOH had to run to the store. Meanwhile, my FH and his BM were sitting at the table talking.
Before I get to the next part, I have to add that my MOH and her husband had a VERY small, initmate wedding. It only included their family and their reception consisted of dinner at her parents house with just a few people. It is what they chose to do for their wedding. They said they did not want a big ceremony.
Ok, back to last weekend. So we're talking and the subject of our wedding comes up. My FH's BM is telling us how excited he and his wife are to be a part of the wedding, etc, etc. Then he says "I told my wife this is the wedding we never got to have."
The reason this statement is so shocking to me is because it puts all the pieces of the puzzle together. Throughout the last 8 months of planning my wedding, they have asked little things here and there. For example, can you play our song (they never had a first dance), the BM asked if he could wear the same tux as the groom because he wanted to stand out as the BM, my MOH wanted to wear different jewelry than the other girls, they wanted to come with us when we met the dj to see if he was cool, etc.
Maybe I am just blowing this way out of proportion but a part of me is upset. This is MY wedding. They chose to have a small ceremony (and it was not due to financial reasons). They are my FH and I's best friends and we love them to death but this is a little frustrating. I think they mean well and they may not even know what they are doing but I want them to realize that on that day it's not about them, it's our turn to have our day. (I know that sounds like a total bridezilla statement)
How do I handle this situation without hurt feelings??