Post # 1
So my bestest friend/moh and her boyfriend of four years (the guy that she was expecting a ring from at any second) broke up the other night. Her and her bf were our partners in crime. The only other couple we had to hang out with (to those of you that only have a few you know how hard they are to come by!!!!) So this really sucks for us and all of our plans. I’ve already bought a pound and a half of beef tenderloin for our dinner night that will now prolly go to waste, vacations we have had planned cancelled, concerts we have tickets to, etc. Not to mention the fact that we were having our best man and his gf the moh and her bf sit with us at the "head table", the logistics are all off.
The night they broke up I slept at her house and spent the entire next day with her. She is obviously destroyed. I feel so bad for her and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been dumped and my longest relationship before I met the fi was 9 months. I’m not the best girl to turn to for these kinds of things. But a few bottles of wine, mac and cheese and Troop Beverly Hills made some progress. But…
I know when I was helping my sister out with planning her wedding it was fun for a long time but then it became more fun when I started flagging things for my own wedding (cuz I was expecting a ring at that time too), I prolly would have gone nuts if me and the fi broke up at that time. I would be devastated with all the wedding crap shoved in my face.
So my question to you all is what do I do? I want to be sensitive to what she’s going through although I can’t even imagine and I think I am although the day I spent with her was the 4 month mark til I get married and she overheard me on the phone with my fi about it. She didn’t get mad but I could tell she was hurt. With 4 months to go til I get married my life is pretty hectic and pretty much revolves around the wedding. How do I find a happy balance that won’t make it look like I"m pushing it in her face? She’s the only friend I have that’s close by to talk to about wedding stuff. She’s the only one that knows about everythign. There were things she was going to do for me that I dont’ know if I should ask her for now. What do you think?
Post # 3
I have always found that honesty is the best policy when dealing with your friends. It sounds like you and your MOH are very good friends, so I think the best way is to just talk to her about it!
Tell your friend how bad you feel about what happened, and that you want to be there for her. However, don’t hide wedding planning and wedding-related things from her, because she may end up feeling left out! If it were me, I would rather have my bride talk to me about how concerned she was, and to ask me what I was comfortable with, then to have that decision completely taken away.
If you were my friend, I would still want to help you plan and be supportive, even with what I was going through. My friends mean everything to me, and I would actually feel worse if I felt like they had to tiptoe around me.
It’ll just take time for her to heal, and in the meantime, just be supportive of her and ask to see if she would like to hear about things and participate. A simple "I was going over plans for this-and-that, would you like to hear about it?" or asking the other bridesmaids to help out with MOH duties(bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc) might be all she needs.
I definitely would try to spend some non-wedding related time with her, just to be a good friend, but don’t rule her out on your wedding planning. Talk with her honestly and openly about it, and let her know how much you care about her feelings. I’m sure things will work out!
Post # 4
Let her be your guide… If it were me, I’d say to her, "How do you feel about helping with this or this?" If she says that she can’t handle it right now, give it a couple of weeks. Hopefully, she will understand that with the amount of time left to go, you still need her help. Breakups are devastating, but as trite as it sounds, a bit of distraction might help her heal a bit.
Maybe you could have girly nights where you do things non-wedding related for a couple of weeks, and then slowly start to add in talking about wedding things again. Yes, it’s going to sting for her, but stopping life is not helpful for her or you. Do you have other friends or BMs that can help you too? Ask them for help in the next few weeks and once she’s feeling better, she might say that she can help you with wedding stuff again.
Hope that she feels better soon…
Post # 5
It sounds like you’re being a good friend to be with her during this time. Try not to think too much about how this is changing your plans (dinner, trips, concerts, etc.), because that may come through in your attitude and it might hurt her feelings. Her life plans have been totally turned on their head right now, and I’m sure she’s struggling to work through that.
I think that she probably understands that everything for you revolves around the wedding right now, but I think if I were her, I probably would want to just focus on myself for a couple weeks at least. I bet that in a month or two she will be ready to help you again with anything you need, and will be much more happy to help since you were such a good friend, being supportive, and giving her the time she needed to get back on her feet. You should try to do some non-wedding things with her too (I know you’re busy at the 4 month mark, I’m there too, but the friendship is worth it). Always give her the option to do or not do the wedding planning things that she was signed up for. I think that as she gets back on her feet she’ll quickly feel like the things she’s doing for you for the wedding are all about your friendship and have nothing to do with the wedding she was envisioning for herself.
Post # 6
I agree with the other bees, let her choose what wedding planning things she wants to participate & do make plans with her to do "fun friend stuff" that is not always wedding-related, like dinner, movies, etc so that she knows you are there for her as her friend. I went through the same thing, broke up after 4 years together, & yes the first month or so was EXTREMELY difficult & sad, but my true friends were there for me to support me & my dear sweet aunt dragged me out to dinner once a week so I would get out & not just hole up in the house til the end of time. In 4 months, she will have done quite a bit of healing, so I wouldn’t worry so much about her not "participating" as your MOH, once she gets over the initial shock & hurt, I’m sure she’ll be right there with you planning & looking forward to your wedding.
Post # 7
I think you need to quit the wedding talk ASAP- to, in front of, or around your MOH.
Women who I’ve been an MOH or BM for were so wedding-centric that I felt ignored and used- and I was single, not recently dumped by a man I thought I’d marry.
So I think you need to stop talking to her about everything but the most essential wedding things- ie her dress, when she has to be where (ie only stuff that directly involves her) and keep even that to a minimum.
Talk of timelines, decor, cakes, your dress, etc. should be tabled.
Even if she brings it up, answer her question and then drop it.
You are a good friend and she is lucky to have you. It will be hard not having her as a sounding board, but it sounds like you can empathize with the pain she is feeling right now.
As for the head table- I think you should ask her who she would like to sit there with her- either another guest or let her bring a +1 (even if it’s her mom). Sitting as the 5th wheel at a head table 4 months after a breakup like that would be horrible!!
Post # 8
I agree with the first comment — you should really be honest with your bestie. I think underneath her curtain of sorrow she’s probably still the logical BFF you’ve always had and knows that your wedding can’t be cancelled or put on hold (plans included) because of her wild misfortune. Maybe give her some comfortable space from your wedding and just be her BFF for a few weeks and then try to ease back into it with a you’re still my best friend moh i need you when you’re ready heart to heart and then hug it out (sorry to be glib about the last part but hugs are the way to)
Please let us know what happens.
I know what it’s like to tip toe around broken hearts when your heart is so full and excited and STRESSED 😀 in a good way!!
Post # 9
I agree with Rosy – see if your other friends can help on wedding related stuff for the next month or so. I would then check in with your MOH and have an honest discussion about what she feels up to doing.