MOH bailed on me 1 month before the wedding.

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I wouldn’t have anyone “step into” the role of MOH. Just tell your current BMs the situation and how much you appreciate everything they’ve done for you thus far. It sucks that this all came out so soon before your wedding, but you’re right that it could’ve been a lot worse (i.e. your friendship ruined altogether). I would try to move past the disappointment and anger and just enjoy your day. Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

Hmmm…honestly I think you were expecting too much. I know you were nice about it and all but a MOH/Bridesmaids are not expected to do all that or even be at the rehearsal. They only really NEED to be at the wedding at the designated time in the dress that you ok’d. There was no requirement for her to do anything else.

Maybe it’s because I’m older but I don’t care if my MOH missed any of that stuff. As long as she was there the day of. You said your BMs could do the bachelorette party, your mom with the shower, rehearsal is only her walking right before you and standing there. Why couldn’t you not be happy with her there.

Yes, I know you WANT a MOH to do all that but it is not a NEED. I think maybe you should really think how important she is to you and if you really want her not in the wedding or if you really do want her there the day of. I think you were expecting too much idealistically and not realistically for someone that is out of state that is important to you.

Post # 4
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

MrsTtoB:  I 100% agree.  My sister is not going to be there for everything, she is my MOH, and personally I have never been bothered by any of it, I’m just glad she is there for my wedding.  Same with my maids, some are not going to be in town in time for the rehearsal and dinner, but will be there for me on the big day.  In fact, I told them don’t feel obligated to come to anything, just do what you can because I know how costly it can be to come to every event, take off of work for certain things, and to me, the most important day is the wedding day, non of the other stuff really matters.

Post # 5
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Maddybug:  I always think the MOH should be the best friend in your life, not necessarily the best event planner you know. Do you feel your friend has, historically, been one of the most important people in  your life? Do you love each other and value each other’s friendship?

I’m of the school of thought that we already ask a ridiculous amount of work from our bms, and our MOHs in particular. They usually have to plan/attend bachelorette parties and showers, sometimes engagement parties and dress shopping/fitting appointments. And that’s not including the wedding. Bridesmaids dresses/hotels/hair/make up — it’s an enormous expense. If you really need help coordinating these events, then I would look into hiring a wedding planner.

Your MOH has been very honest with you about how this is a weird experience for her. I would actually go back to her; tell her you love her and you’re sorry about this rift. There is no one else who you would want to be your MOH, she’s your closest friend. It sounds like many of your BMs have already taken on their share of the planning. If you ask any of them to be MOH, they will know you’re asking them as a last resort. At this point, if you don’t want your original MOH in the role, I would just have them all listed as bridesmaids.

Post # 6
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

It sounds like you’ve overreacted and been a bit harsh to your friend. It’s not the end of the world if she misses the rehearsal; it’s really not fancy choreography or a Shakespeare play she would be rehearsing, after all, and if you’ve extended her a plus one (which is only the right thing to do for someone in your bridal party) then it’s her choice of who to bring. If she will feel less alone and more comfortable with her friend, that’s a reasonable ask. I think you have probably hurt her feelings and you two need to clear the air.

Post # 7
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Maddybug:  Huh, I’m surprised by the responses, actually. I do not think you were expecting too much (show up at rehearsal is over the top for MOH now? Really guys?).

I think it was ridiculous of her to say she could handle duties, and then just let communication with you trail off before dropping out. She is an adult, she should have at the least been able to pick up a phone and talk to you to let you know she didn’t want to do it, instead of this coy, 14 year old-like skirting around and not getting back to you. 

In short, I would be mad. She had two days to show up to, and the reason she didn’t want to do one is because she can’t possibly go a day without being around a person she “knows”? Again, she’s not a 14 year old, and she should be able to stand on her own two feet and as an individual. 

She sounds like one of those people who has a serious crisis of identity when people their age get married, and cannot handle at all when their friends are “ahead” of them in terms of life goals, and so they shut off and accuse natural growth of being something that is “changing so much” and “no longer relatable.”  

What she did was wrong, but I’d let it go. She obviously has some personal issues and probably would not be a very good maid of honour the day of either way.

Post # 8
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Well, what did you expect? It doesn’t sound like she bailed on you so much as you told her she was doing a shitty job and should probably step down.

Her only “duty” as MOH is to stand next to you at the wedding and be a friend. It’s not her job to throw you parties. And not throwing you a party doesn’t mean she “isn’t happy for you.” 

Post # 9
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I too am super surprised by some of the other posters responses. I think it’s easy to get on here and act like miss manners when you aren’t personally dealing with the situation. The ENTIRE point of having a rehearsal is so you, the groom, and the wedding party which is obvi the MOH can practice walking down the isle/know where to stand etc. So yes yes you absolutely can and should expect your MOH to attend that. I’m so sorry this happened to you, don’t let it put a damper on your day (easier said than done) but it sounds like you have a great group of brodesmaids who are true friends. Its sad but sometimes people just grow apart. Please don’t get sad and think every girl who gets married has a close group of BFFs and a BFF MOH that have been friends since 2nd grade. Sure some do but most don’t. Most bridal parties are a mix of new and old and family. i swear some girls just ask people to have a large bridal party for the look how many friends I have thing. I agree with pp you should tell your remaining maids what happened and get their opinion, maybe one of them will volunteer to be your MOH. If not that’s totally ok all you need is someone to sign your marriage license and hold your bouquet which one of your other ladies can do! It’s ok to be angry for a few days, let it out and Hang in there! big hug! 

Post # 10
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

merpitymerp:  It literally is the maid of honor’s job to throw a party. Sure, not everyone needs to live by that tradition, but unless that has been pre-agreed-upon by both parties, then it is the expectation. And this girl overtly said she’d do it, so then it doubly becomes her job to follow through.

When a person implicitly is supposed to plan a party, explicitly says they will plan a party, then just doesn’t bother to plan a party or let the recipient of said party know, that’s a pretty big indication that the person actually isn’t happy for the recipient.  If you are happy and supportive of someone, you follow through on your word, or you explain ahead of time why you cannot.

Given this girl had like two jobs and didn’t follow through with them, OP should have told her she was doing a shitty job, because she was doing a shitty job. If I tell a coworker I am going to create a report for them then don’t do it or communicate why I’m not doing it, I’m doing a shitty job. If I tell a girl I’m her maid of honour then do not do anything that a maid of honour does, then – well, you get the idea.

Post # 11
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

arabbel:  “It literally is the maid of honor’s job to throw a party.”

No, it’s not. And expecting someone to throw you a party is entitled and obnoxious.

Post # 12
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

merpitymerp:  Look, when you take on certain roles, you take on what comes with them. You can look up “what are maid of honour duties” and every result that pops up will include planning a bachelorette and being at the rehearsal dinner. If you do not want to do that, do not accept being a maid of honour. Piece of cake.

Yes, it is work, and no, you don’t get paid, but the idea is you do it because you love a person. I should know, I’ve done it three times. And you are right, no one HAS to plan a party for you, and it is entitled to assume they do. Which is why people are welcome to decline being a bridesmaid. 

If you accept being maid of honour, you  are accepting what comes with it, and that is planning and being present for certain things, unless explicitly agreed upon that you do not need to do so – ahead of time.  This is such a well-known, commonplace piece of etiquette that I honestly have no clue where you are even coming from. 

Post # 13
Member
18 posts
Newbee

And this is exactly why I eloped haha 

Best decision ever made. Very Happily married and was able to purchase a house instead 🙂 

But in your case… if the MOH agreed to do all those things… it’s not cool to bail out last minute. That being said, I don’t think the MOH should have those demands or expectations. She should there on your big day, totally invested on the wedding day, but that should be it. I feel like it’s so much pressure on a person… it’s just not necessary. that’s just my opinion though 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Since when is expecting your wedding party to show up at rehearsal expecting too much? 

OP I don’t think you were expecting too much at all. it doesn’t take 2-3 days to return a phone call or a text message her being busy was just an excuse to not have to address her issues with you.

I wouldn’t replace her if I were you. You wouldn’t want to offend your BM’s by making them feel like a “replacement MOH”. 

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