- 3 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
*sorry it’s so long. short story at bottom*
I have 2 best friends, hence 2 maids of honor. Let’s just say thank God I have one I can really count on.
MOH1, who I’ll call Sam, has been my bff of almost 20 years now. She was thrilled when I asked her to be a co-maid of honor and I even asked her daughter to be one of my flower girls.
Well, Sam wasn’t ever super excited for me and didn’t really have typical, “omg my best friend is getting married/so excited/let me see your ring/can’t wait to plan the bach” etc. Now I know that no one is excited about my wedding as I am, so I didn’t let her lack of enthusiasm bother me too much.
Sam is in a dysfunctional, on and off again relationship. BF has cheated on her repeatedly. Sam was the “other woman” and knew he was going back and forth between the two. BF lived with her for a time, but refused to help with rent, so they fought and he moved out. She can’t trust him out of her sight because of what he did to her so she doesn’t do anything without him. We haven’t hung out as much because I really dislike BF for what he did to her and how he treats her and since she won’t do anything without him and I don’t want to be around him, we don’t hang out. Sam has very low self esteem and despite all of her friends telling her she can do better, she still is stuck to this guy (and he’s not her baby’s father either). Anyway, I told her a year ago when I got engaged that he would not be invited to the wedding.
Invitations went out, his name was not on hers, but apparently she assumed he was invited and put him on the RSVP. I addressed that I didn’t want him there, it’s my day and I get to choose, etc. She then threatened that if he couldn’t come, that she would not either, nor would her mom. Ultimately, she said he assumed he was invited and she didn’t want to have an awkward convo with him because it would start a fight (their relationship is so fragile) and she feared he would tell her she couldn’t come to the wedding he was in the weekend after.
We texted back and forth and I was just hurt that she would even threaten not to come when she was asked to be a maid of honor, so, I didn’t respond immediately. Fast forward a couple days later, I say “you’re in the wedding, your feelings are important, he can come.” She says she already told him he couldn’t come and that now he doesn’t want to because I waited too long to say he could. It’s not my responsibility to make sure they never fight or have an awkward conversation. I gave in, but now she says she wont be there at all because he is uncomfortable with her being around me or going. I feel like she is putting this guy in front of me, bff of 20 years. It’d be different if he treated her like gold or they had a stable relationship but they will be ‘off’ again sooner or later and he has isolated her from all her friends, so where will she turn?
Finally she says she will attend the ceremony ONLY (no bach, rehearsal, reception). Main reason: not because she cares for me, but because she doesnt want the money for the dress she bought to go to waste. She thinks its totally fine and acceptable because that is her ‘compromising’ between me and her bf. Then she says he didnt tell her what to do/not do and she decided on her own not to go to the reception because ‘bf isnt going and i dont feel comfortable being there.’ Translation: It’ll be a Sat night and I don’t want him to go out and me being at the reception won’t allow me to babysit him.
I told her it’s all or nothing. I won’t have someone be in the wedding, but only be present for an hour. I don’t want someone there who is only there to get use of her dress, but could care less about sharing my excitement or being supportive of me.
UGH! sorry this is long, but advice please. I’ve apologized, gave in, and still not good enough for her. Am I right to feel like she is putting this terrible bf/relationship before me? I feel like I’ve been such a loyal friend to her and when I thought I could count on her the most, she’s proving to be a bad friend.
short story: MOH is only willing to come to the ceremony, won’t be a part of the wedding in any other way than that because I originally told her her bf can’t come, and then later told her he could. She says he feels uncomfortable going and that’s the reason she won’t attend anything else. Reality: she has told me before that she can’t trust him out of her sight aka the real reason she wont be there for longer than the 1 hr ceremony.
- This topic was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by mrsbookworm38.