MOH bailing on the wedding…drama

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

you dont decide who she is or is not with. Whether or not she’s the “other woman” is something you cant do anything about. You should be a friend anyway. Honestly, if I were her I wouldnt want to come to the wedding either. Who are you to judge her relationship? She is your MOH and you acknowledge shes been with this guy for quite some time. 

Post # 3
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

how is she suppose to watch her bf if she is helping you in the bathroom with your dress or taking photos with the wedding party. just have her a guest and leave it at that…

Post # 4
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yeah, I feel like you screwed up here and owe her a major apology. MOHs get to bring a date. You can’t ask a woman to stand up in your wedding while simultaneously saying, “But your taste in men sucks so you can’t bring your boyfriend because it’s MY day.”

I know you’re coming from a place of caring and worrying for her, but ultimately it’s not your place to judge her relationship.

You know, I suspect you’ve never been in a truly shitty relationship — the kind that wears a girl down. Often those who are stuck in bad relationships are deeply unhappy and deeply troubled by their own inability to break it off. Their diminishing self-worth is COMPOUNDED by their friends’ disapproval. When you’re that unhappy, it’s hard not to take your friends’ dislike of your BF as a slight against you, a sign of how much they must look down on you for staying with someone they think is so lame. As it has turned out to be here, with her removing herself from the majority of your wedding celebrations, it can be tremendously isolating.

If you want to repair this — if you want to be a truly good friend to her — forget about her bf and focus on her. Call or visit her; offer her another, truly heartfelt apology for making her feel like the man she loves is unwelcome. Tell her you are so very sorry, that you made a bad mistake — that if this guy is that important to her, then he’s also important to you — and you very much hope they BOTH will be able to celebrate the full day with you.

In short, make her feel accepted, wanted, and less alone. Make her feel supported. That way, when she finally decides to ditch the dirtbag, she’ll be able to turn to you for help and support and comfort — and your friendship will survive.

Post # 5
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Royal Park Hotel

There’s no point in lecturing you about extending a +1 to bridal party peeps because at this point so much shit has gone down between the two of you that there’s no way you can let her be in your wedding.

Kick her out of the bridal party, disinvite her from the wedding, end the friendship.   Maybe when this guy finally gets around to leaving her (again) she will see reason and come to you to make amends but that’s on her.

Post # 6
Member
5017 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

mrsbookworm38:  I agree that you made a mistake with not inviting her boyfriend. I wouldn’t want to be your MOH either if this was how you treated me – MOH’s automatically get a date, even if you don’t like him.

In life, you’re not going to like everyones significant others/spouses, but you deal with them because you love your friends. I think you need to apologize, realize you made a mistake, and invite her boyfriend. 

Post # 8
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You both seem to be in a no -win situatiion. You can’t backtrack and extend the invitation for her BF that you should have given her in the first place.

She can’t back track and take back her threat to not attend at all becasue BF now doesn’t want to attend (I don’t blame him. You made it abundantly clear he was not welcome).

You could be the bigger person and apologize face to face to him for your egregious error in etiquette, tell him you now realize you were wrong and want to put things right. I doubt you will choose that option.

I suggest you accept her offer of a compromise and have her be in the bridal party if you want to salvage the friendship.

 

Post # 10
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You were in the wrong. Not inviting her boyfriend was a huge slap in the face. If I were her, I would not want to be your friend anymore.

Post # 11
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Royal Park Hotel

 

julies1949:   “I doubt you will choose that option.”

That was way harsh, Thai.

OP – I have to disagree with this PP that said you should compromise and just let her stand with you.  This girl made it clear that she would be standing with you, not because she supports you, but because it would be a waste of a dress.  No matter whose fault it is – that is NOT someone I would want standing next to me on my day.  Your wedding day isn’t about weird compromises like that.  Pick another day to make it up to her.  Perhaps before.

Something tells me this could all smooth over if you both put the work in

Post # 12
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Yep, sorry OP. Unless he has assaulted her or is a child molester, you don’t get to judge your friends’ relationships by not inviting their SOs. If she wants to come for the ceremony only, let her. You can’t dictate whether she comes to all or none, unelss you uninvite her completely. Let her make the decision and figure out a way to mend what you’ve done.

Post # 14
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sigh… At this point, do not let her be in the wedding. This is because there will be awkward tension. I also would not want that to show in pictures. I am sure everyone will be very uncomfortable. Do not give her an option, and tell her that she can wear her dress to another event altogether, and that if she shows up she will be escorted out. It is just not worth the potential argument, screming, crying, and drama that might occur. 

I have to say that you were kind of awful for excluding her BF. She was IN the wedding party, not a guest. I told my sister I was not inviting her now estranged husband, and she agreed. In my situation, it was because he is crazy, abusive, and rude. The two of them fight out in public and have caused quite a scene on many occasions, one being my son’s birthday party one year. I was so embarassed and so were my guests. I was not going to have that mess at the wedding. Plus, he would get drunk and act even crazier, so no freaking way would I let that fool come. My sister was not in the wedding, though. 

You did not state that he is abusive, crazy, a mean drunk, etc. You said that they have a crappy relationship. That really has nothing to do with the wedding. The reason I am telling you to boot her out of the wedding is not because she is wrong. You messed up on this one, etiquette aside, how could you tell your best friend she could not bring her BF to your wedding and she was in the wedding? You come off as very bridezilla on this one, and I do not like to throw that term around…

From here on, there is no point in her coming to the wedding. Either you will reconcile at a later date or not at all. In the end, she will likely regret not coming, especially when this relationship with that joker inevitably falls apart. That will be the time to try and salvage the friendship. If not, then you have to accept that it was a good ride while it lasted and move on from that friendship. Best of luck to you!

Post # 15
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

I find it kind of weird that youre taking it personal that she’s “choosing him over you,” he is her man of course she would choose him, wouldn’t you choose your FI over her if it came down to it? I do not feel she really meant the statement of only showing up to the wedding only to use the dress. She only said that to save face, of course, she wants to be in the wedding. It seems to me that you’re contemplating throwing away a friendship because you don’t like her man and that’s childish, you can’t dictate who your friend is with. If this man is a bad as you make him out to be don’t you think your friend of 20yrs is going to need you when the relationship finally goes down the toilet, if it does.

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