MOH drama

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Oh wow… how entitled.  Bottom line is it’s your wedding, not hers, and if you can’t fit it in the budget to pay for her dress, than tell her that.  The hotel room for three days is just… confusing. You offered her your house which is very nice. If that’s not godd enough for her, she can pay for the hotel. It’s not your responsibility.  Everyone knows that being in a wedding is a financial burden. If you can’t afford it, you say no.  I would say offer to pay for half the dress if it sounded like she was truly having hardships, but by asking for the hotel room rather than accepting your offer of the house, it sounds like she just wants you to pay for her to have a good time.  You are by no means in the wrong here. Just tell her no.

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

Ok what? Has she been in a wedding before? That’s completely insane of her. Maybe you could ask your other bridesmaids to talk to her about typical bridesmaid things and clue her in? 

Post # 5
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@2beemrs:  OK this might sound judgmental but honestly I’m just trying to think of ways to keep costs down:

1. Why are only 2 girls staying in your house? Can’t more stay there? In fact I would have thought all 6 of you could fit in your house the night before the wedding.

2. Do you really need to stay in a hotel before the wedding?

3. Why is the wedding 3 nights and not 2? I would have thought your girls only need to stay 2 nights, e.g. for a Saturday wedding, they’d only need to be there Friday night and Saturday night.

If you can accomodate her free of charge at your house, maybe you’ll be able to negotiate with her on the dress.

ETA: I disagree that being a BM should be expensive. But I realise that in your part of the world, one expense that is expected is the BM dress. Perhaps she is not aware of that tradition? Hopefully a gentle talk can sort it out.

Post # 6
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Maybe its time for a good chat with her to try and get to the bottom of the issue? Does she want to be in the wedding or is she being obstructive for some other reason. Maybe she is really struggling financially herself?

I think buying her dress is a nice gesture, especially if its a particular style that she may not wear again but it will add to your budget. Can you get the dresses made, or can they wear an existing dress maybe then just get them matching accessories/cardigan something like that?

Personally I think the request for a hotel room is exorbitant but you wont know what she is thinking until you talk to her about it. 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@2beemrs:  So what is more important to you, having your close friend stand up with you at your wedding or the dress?

If it is your friend then why not let her wear a dress that she already owns or let her do her own hair and make up and you buy the dress.

As for the accommodation I think she either needs to pay for that herself or stay at the free accommodation that has been offered to her.

@lcutter711:  Some people have the exact opposite opinion. I personally think a bride is being entitled if they expect others to pay to be in their wedding. I know it is customary for BM’s to pay in the USA but in other parts of the world this is not the expectation.

 

Post # 8
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @2beemrs:  I feel for you… Bridal Party Drama is some of the worst for sure.

I am a bit of an “Etiquette Snob here … lol” on WBee (in so much as I am very familiar with both Modern & Traditional Etiquette) so I’ll answer your Question from that POV

First I want to say that YOU have done NOTHING WRONG.  A quick look at what you are offering is very reasonable… especially in this day & age when “Modern” Etiquette puts the financial burden more on the Maids than it does on the Bride from a “Traditional” Etiquette POV.

Traditional Etiquette is considered the “kinder” of the two… and you are way more on track in that regard than you for Modern Etiquette in this particular scenario with your MOH

First I will cut & paste the list of Traditonal Roles, Responsibilities, and Expenses here for you to take a look thru:

== cut & paste ==

THE BRIDE – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES (to the BP)

* Bridesmaids’ Luncheon

* Thank-You Gifts for the Attendants **

* Accommodations for the Bridal Party (often 2 Nights if there is a Rehearsal Dinner / Party)

* Transportation of the Bridal Party from Accommodations to Ceremony Site – Ceremony to Reception – and Reception to Accommodations

* Bridesmaids’ Flowers

* Extending to any member of the Bridal Party over the age of 18 the courtesy of bringing a Guest to the Wedding (and that Guest can be anyone of their choosing… Hubby, Fiance, Long Term BF, random Date… or even their Mother IF that is who they wish to spend the Weekend with… it is THEIR CHOICE… and not yours to judge.  This is one of the perks of being in the BP and giving of their time to your Wedding)

* Making sure that the Bridesmaids and their “dates” (see above) are included at the Rehearsal Dinner … or whatever form of Meet & Greet is planned before the Wedding

THE BRIDAL PARTY – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES

 * Purchase of Wedding Day Apparel and necessary accessories ***

* Transportation to the Wedding Destination

* Contribution to a Gift for the Bride (often a pooled gift with other Bridesmaids)

* Individual Wedding Gift to the Bride & Groom

* Attendance (and possible gift) for any Showers, or Pre-Wedding Parties for the Bride / Couple

* Reponsible for their Dress Fittings

* Assist the MOH whenever one can

* Attend as many Pre-Wedding Events as possible

* Possibly Co-Host a Party or Shower (not mandatory… hopefully at least attend)

* Assist Bride with errands when feasible

* Contribute to Bridemaids’ Present to the Bride

* Arrive to Appointments Promptly

* Arrive to Dressing Site on Wedding Day Promptly

* Participate in Professional Photo Shots

* Dance with Ushers & Single Guests (optional / courteous)

* Help gather people together where necessary (ie First Dance, Cake Cutting, Bouquet Toss etc)

* Help out with Elderly Guests if needed

* Pay for their Bridesmaid Dress and Transportation to the Wedding City

* Give a Gift to the Bride & Groom

MAID OF HONOUR – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES

* Helps the Bride with selection of Maids’ Attire (if required)

* Helps with Addressing Wedding Stationery Items (Invites, Placecards etc)… if asked

* Attends as many Pre-Wedding events as possible

* Organizes Bridesmaids’ Gift to the Bride

* Makes sure that others in the Bridal Party are on-time for Appointments

* Holds the Groom’s Wedding Ring on the Wedding Day

* Helps the Bride get ready on the Wedding Day

* Arranges the Bride’s Veil & Train before Processional & Recessional

* Makes sure the Bride looks “Picture Perfect” throughout the day

* Holds the Bride’s Bouquet during Ceremony

* Is a Witness to the Marriage (signs documentation)…if required

* Is in the Receiving Line (if there is one)

* Keeps the Bride on schedule

* Helps the Bride into her Going Away Clothes (if necessary)

* Takes care of the Bride’s Gown and Accessories after the Wedding Reception

* Pays for her own Dress and “some” accessories ***

* Arranges for and pays for her own transportation to the Wedding Destination

 — — —

Two of the greatest areas of misunderstandings is what is paid for by whom.

*** In North America, a Bridesmaid is only obligated to pay for the Dress that the Bride has chosen.  She is to provide her own foundation garments, shoes and accessories.

BUT if a Bride wishes for everyone to be matchy-matchy beyond the Dress, then the Bride is supposed to pay for those elements… so matching shoes, accessories, jewellery, hair & make up etc.

** The Bride’s Thank You Gifts to the Bridesmaids should not be something that she has chosen for them as part of the Wedding itself… so Hair, Makeup, Jewellery, or other matchy-matchy items… ARE NOT THANK YOUS. 

A Thank You Gift should be chosen for each individual member of the Bridal Party… as part of the friendship bond you share.  It should never be matchy-matchy… it should be chosen with much more care.  That isn’t to say that it cannot be earrings tho if that is something that EVERY Gal in your BP would like… just that they shouldn’t all be the same.  They should be chosen to ONLY “match” the personality of the girl, and nothing else.

== end ==

So as you can see… considering that you are a North American / Canadian Bride… it is a correct expectation that that the Bridemaid’s purchase their own Dresses (altho there is nothing ever wrong with a Bride / Couple wishing to DO MORE Financially for the Bridal Party)

Shoes… well that is typically also upon them to provide their own… which is why a Bride normally choose a shade that is already in a woman’s closet.  If they are to be something esle… all matchy-matchy… then YES the Bride should pay.  Same goes for Hair, Make-Up and Jewellery.

You have done the right thing… by offering accommodations to the Girls as well.  Very few couples do this any more.  And modern etiquette says that is ok.

I would say that if she decides to doing something different… then she should pay for that herself.

Curious…

Do you know WHY she is asking for such things from you ?  Is she of a different background, culture or upbringing (ie as I said above in the UK for example, it is the norm that Couples pay for their BP Attire)

As to how to talk to her…

I don’t really have much to offer on this subject other than to perhaps show her a list of what is considered “Modern” North American Bridal Etiquette… and explain that you are far and away going above the norm here…

Which is WHY… I tell Brides who are starting to plan their Weddings that even BEFORE one picks a Bridal Party it is very important to read over the above Traditional List… and see what having someone properly accommodated as a member of the BP actually is going to cost them.

And that they discuss these Roles, Reponsibilities & Expenses with anyone they are hoping to be in the BP… BEFORE they actually say YES to the title.

Cause with the title comes responsibilities… and Expectations.

Going over the details of the obligations / responsibilities on here that can add up to BIG BUCKS for BOTH Parties… BUT particularly the Bride (ie. Transportation, Hotel Rooms, Maid & Guest, and Thank You Gifts) … and the bigger the BP… the more it costs.

Putting this ALL out in the open early on… means less in the way of disappointment, hurt feelings, Wedding DRAMA, and ruined friendships.

I hope this helps,

 

Post # 9
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

I agree with your MOH about the dress, as it’s your wedding you should have included that when calculating overall costs and not expected the BMs to pay. However I think she should stay at your house with the other BMs who are staying there, or pay for her own accommodation.

Post # 10
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Good catch by @paula1248: (Reply # 4)…

It seems I misread… and I thought you were having all your Bridal Party stay at your House for the Wedding.

Infact, you have a Bridal Party of 5… and ONLY 2 are staying over… which means that 3 others (2 BMs + MOH) must make their own arrangements.

That isn’t right or fair.  Everyone should be treated equally.

As per Traditional Etiquette that would mean you put them all up for the required number of nights…

And if that means paying for Hotel Bills… then yes that is the RIGHT thing to do.

 

Post # 11
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@This Time Round:  She offered the house to everyone. 2 chose to get a hotel room, 2 are staying at the house, the MOH has decided she doesn’t want to stay at the house the bride offered, but she wants the bride to cover the cost of the hotel.  How is that the bride’s responsibility?  She specifically says that she made the offer to everyone.

Post # 12
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @lcutter711:  I am confused clearly…

Posts that are one big block of text do this to me… (probably sent from a cell phone) make it hard to decipher all the different points.

I clearly got confused on the whole who was staying where & why part.

I stand by my statements in Post # 9… that everyone should be treated equally, as that is only fair.

If she offered to put them all up and they want to choose different arrangements… then that could be said to be on them (her choice).

But if she offered to only put up a few of the Bridal Party, then the accommodations for the others are on her.

And if she’s only offering the house up for a few nights out of the overall total… then the extras are on her as well.

Ok, I think I’ve now covered all the points.

 

Post # 13
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@2beemrs:  Are bm’s expected to pay for their own dresses where you’re from? If so, has she been bm before? Is she from another country(in Ireland the bride pays so there is an expectation there)?

If she is local and knows she should be paying, I’d meet her halfway and tell her that you could help her. I would put my foot down re the room. Remind her of the offer you gave her. Is there a particular reason why she may have said no?

Post # 14
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

I think we are seeing a regional difference play out on this thread. If it is the norm for BMs to pay for their own things then you can just stick by that norm. In which case, the MOH just needs to be told no.

Post # 15
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

  You need to just tell your moh that she has to pay for the dress herself unless she is in financial troubles. My fiance payed for my sisters dress who is in our wedding and who is a bridesmaid only because we owed her money and she couldnt pay for it on her own because shes 18.

  When you agree to be in the wedding you agree to pay for all expenses including travelling costs! If she couldnt afford it she should either drop out or just said no from the get go when she was asked.

Post # 16
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

are you buying BM dresses already?  the reason I’m asking is because, if the date you have on your profile is correct, your wedding is almost a year away.  I really like what j_jaye suggested  – let each of your girls wear dresses they already own.  if your friend won’t accept the accommodations you’re making for her, I’d rethink having her as MOH if I were you.

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