Post # 1
I have been engaged to my SO since Feb. 2011, and have had my wedding party chosen since then. My maid of honour was pregnant at the time when I asked her, and since has had a beautiful baby girl of 20 months that I absolutely adore.
It is now January 2013, and my wedding is June 29, 2013. I have decided I am ordering my gown as well as the bridemaid gowns from Davids Bridal. Our closest Davids Bridal is an hour and a half away, so we have made a day of getting and ordering our dresses. The appointment was made a month ago for this Sunday. My other two bridesmaids are absolutely stoked about going out and looking for the dresses. My right-hand woman, my MOH, is not so much. It is looking like she is not coming with us this Sunday. Her two reasons are because: 1) she doesn’t have the money and does not wish to owe me the money, and 2) she can not get someone to watch her little girl.
I don’t know if it is just me, but this seems a little insensitive. I understand she has a child, and I offered that we could bring her with us but she doesn’t want her child in Toronto. When told that, I offered my SO to look after her (which is her husband’s best friend as well), but she doesn’t want to leave him with her when she hasn’t before (?). As for the money issue, I feel this shouldn’t be an issue because this wedding has been planned for years.
Bees, I need to know if I’m being selfish in insisting she comes on Sunday? What do I say? I keep saying I’d REALLY like her to be there, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen.
Post # 3
@midnightsbeauty: Honestly you’re being selfish and thoughtless. Your wedding is not the most important thing in everybody else’s life. I don’t understand how you can be miffed that she hasn’t been saving to be your MOH this whole time when she’s had a family to take care of. Yes, she could have been saving a little here and there, but seeing as she doesn’t have the money now, it sounds like saving even a little bit wasn’t doable. Also, since you didn’t say whether your FI has any babysitting experience, I’m going to assume that like any careful and rational mother, your friend doesn’t want to entrust her child to someone with no/very little experience in child care.
It’s a good thing that all of this is coming out before dresses have been ordered and all that jazz. Since being a BM, let alone a MOH, is a huge responsibility, now may be the time to have a gentle talk with her about whether she still wants/can take it on or needs to graciously bow out due to life pressures.
Post # 4
Expecting bridesmaids to travel out of town to go shopping is unreasonable. It would be nice if she could go but she said no so you better just accept it and have fun with your other bridesmaids.
Post # 5
I don’t think asking them to come with me out of town is unreasonable. I am doing the driving. And asked them a month ago if they’d be ok with it.
As for my SO, he has a lot of experience looking after young children since he has both a niece and nephew since they were born ten and eight years ago. I realize that my wedding is not the most important thing in everyone’s lives but she is acting like it came up unexpectedly when it hasn’t.
Post # 6
@midnightsbeauty: I find the situation kind of odd. Did she agree to go when you made the appointment last month? I assume that she knew that she would have to buy a dress ($ discussed previously I imagine) at some point before June 2013 correct?
I see where you are coming from OP. Maybe you can have a heart to heart with her to see if she still wants to participate in your wedding? I can understand with having a new baby things can come up and maybe she is looking for a way to back down. If she doesn’t want to owe you money and can’t pay herself, maybe you can swing the cost of the dress if you really want her to stay in your party.
Post # 7
You asked, she said no. It would be unfair and unreasonable to pressure her into going since it sounds like it would be an uncomfortable situation for her. You can’t really tell her she has to be ok with leaving her kid for 1/2 a day – especially if she has never done that before.
As far as the money issue goes, maybe she thought she could afford the dress or be able to save up when she agreed to be your MOH but realizes now she can’t and is embarrassed. It really bothers me when brides have the attitude of “So-and-so had lots of time to save up for my wedding and they didn’t. Clearly she is a bad person and I’m very upset.” You don’t know her financial situation. Maybe she had a bunch of unexpected bills or maybe she didn’t get the raise she was hoping for. Maybe her kid got sick and she had to miss a week of work and that really set her back. You just don’t know.
I think you should talk to your MOH and see what her budget for a dress is. This can help for 2 reasons:
1. If she has money, you’ll know how much and you can find a dress within that budget while you are shopping with your other BMs.
2. If she doesn’t have any money, you either pay for her dress yourself, let her wear one she already owns, or ask/let her just attend the wedding as a guest.
Either way, at least you can start talking about the situation instead of just builing up resentment.
Post # 8
It sounds like she has other reasonings for not wanting to go because you gave her every available option to come along. I don’t think you’re being insensitive, but if she can’t go then she can’t go. You can’t force her, even if FI is a great babysitter and willing to do it.
If she is worried about the money aspect and you still want her in the wedding, I would say pick out a less expensive dress or let her choose something within her price range, but the style and color you want it to be.
Post # 9
I think she is acting bizarrely. I don’t think asking someone to drive an hour and a half away with sufficient notice (and you’ve given them a month) is too much to ask, especially since you’re all going together. I also find it odd that she doesn’t want her child in Toronto – what’s up with that? You’re going to Scarborough, for heaven’s sake, not trolling down Yonge St.!
I hate to say it, but it sounds like she might be looking for a way to back out of the wedding. If that’s not the case, find out in advance what her budget for the dress will be, and let her know that you and the other girls will most likely be choosing a dress on Sunday, and whatever you pick, she’s going to have to suck it up and wear it.
Post # 11
If you are going to David’s Bridal, you can take pictures of the dresses they try on and show her them, or take down the style numbers and go online and show her. I would suggest possibly having a budget talk with all of the bridesmaids about what is affordable and reasonable amount to pay for their dresses before Sunday. Maybe you will get a little insight from your MOH if you gently ask about what type of budget she is comfortable with for a dress…if she really can’t afford it, then you’ll at least know now if that is the problem.
Also – if this is the first time you are looking, or or if you haven’t chosen a dress from there yet, it’s unlikely that everyone will or has to buy the dress, or put down a deposit that day. They tend to take everyone’s measurements and names and if you select a dress for sure, then each of the girls can call in later with their credit card number to put down money on it or can go in to the store. Yes it sucks she isn’t coming, but just let it be and arrange a trip another time with her or have her call in her measurements later. It’s annoying that she said she could make it before, but don’t turn it into a bigger deal. Just breathe.
Post # 12
@midnightsbeauty: maybe she doesn’t want to be MOH anymore?
I’d ask her but not push her to come – you can’t force it on her nor should you. If she can’t afford the dress and doesn’t want you to buy it, then what is her option? It sounds to me she doesn’t want to be in it.