(Closed) MOH dropped out

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LadyCupcake:    ((BIG HUG))  Take a breath.  I know you’re sad.  But you have time to find someone else.  Don’t let your sadness and disappointment cloud the fact that she deserves your compassion, she’s in a very tough spot.  And she let you know plenty of time in advance.

Is there someone else you can ask to take her place?

Post # 4
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry. That’s so painful.

Reading between the lines…it sounds like this is a marital problem as much as a financial one for her right now. Encourage her to come over. If at all possible, try to listen to what she says. Can you afford to help her out with expenses? (No, that’s not fair, but this isn’t about fairness; it’s about making it possible to have your closest friend be in your wedding, since it sounds like she’s heartbroken about it, too.) 

Post # 7
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

It really seems that she’s sincerely sorry and really wants to support you. I would include her in your planning process and hope that she’s able to at least attend. If you have someone else you’d like to ask, then that’s okay- with 8 months to go, I don’t think that’s offensive at all. I had a bridesmaid (close friend since middle school) drop out with 3 months to go… it was so, so hurtful because she didn’t even apologize. I think you have a good friend and should be understanding of her situation.

 

Post # 8
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@LadyCupcake:  Well, that puts it in a different light. I still think you should have her over and talk to her about it.  Don’t throw out a friendship without trying to figure out what’s going on.

Post # 9
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

She sounds genuinely sorry.  You really don’t know the details of her bank account and she really may not be able to afford it.

Sorry you have to deal with this!

Post # 11
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

1) I’m sorry you’re going through this.

2) I also encourage you to hear her out and not hold this against her. It does sound like a marital and financal issue for her.

“She has a JOB… I don’t…I have 2 kids and wedding and an apartment. She has a HOUSE that she shares costs with her sister and her father!!! Her and her husband go away every weekend!”

She’s very likely house-poor if she and her husband are still worried about expenses even with the father and sister helping. Does she intend on working after the baby is born? It doesn’t sound like she is. Best of luck.

Post # 12
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@LadyCupcake:  Why not at least talk to her about it before drawing conclusions? It can’t hurt. Tell her (in person) how it looks to you when it seems like she can afford X, Y, and Z, but not being your MOH, when you did A, B, and C for her. Then really listen to what she says in explanation. Maybe it will only confirm that she’s being selfish, but you can’t know until you talk to her about it.

Post # 13
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hmmmm…. If she is almost due, its probably a REALLY stressful time for her and her husband.  I’d respond with something like “I totally get it – money is stressful – but this isnt a decision that needs to be made right this second, lets talk about it in a few months?”

 

 

Post # 15
Member
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It sounds like she’s not the one in control of her finances, and the person who is doesn’t look willing to let her use the money she’d need to go. And she’s trying to let you know now, just in case he decides at the last minute to not let her go.

A delicate situation, and proably embarrasssing for her. Tread lightly.

Post # 16
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you need to talk to her about what finances related to your wedding are stressing them out.  Is it that she can’t afford the dress she needs to buy for your wedding?  Or is it that she can’t even afford to come?

If it’s something like the dress, perhaps you can tell her that it’s your gift to her because you want her to be in your wedding so much and it’s that important to you.  I’m sure this isn’t in your budget, but if it’s really that important and the cost of the dress is the issue, then do that.

If it’s the cost of attending the wedding, that’s a different story.  Then it sounds like she might not be able to come at all.

As far as what she spends her money on, I know what you mean.  A friend of mine is always “broke,” but goes out all the time and drinks.  I get upset when she can’t afford things because she’s spent it all on partying and alcohol.  But you know what?  I’m no one to judge her for what she spends her money on.  If going out and partying makes her happy, then that’s that. 

You can’t judge that she’s spending money on something other than your wedding.  It seems like she’s not in control of the finances and if her DH doesn’t think that your wedding is important enough to spend money on – but a mortgage and a weekend getaway are – that’s his choice, not hers.  Also, they might be going away every weekend, but you have no idea if that costs them any money at all or how much it does.  You just never really know what’s going on.

If I were you, I would email her back and say what costs associated with your wedding are stressing her DH out because you want to be able to see if there’s anything you can do to help out because you really want her to be there to stand up next to you at your wedding, like you did for her. 

Don’t be angry or bitter about it.  Just try to be understanding.  Everyone’s situation in life is different and everyone handles stress and money differently. 

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