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Wow. That is a bit ridiculous that she can put her body in jeopardy for the final four and not her best friend. Granted, I would not expect her to make the shower...but to say she can't come because she needs to stay healthy for the baby and then go see a basketball game??? That's weird. And not cool.
I get that she's going through a hard time with the pregnancy, the miscarriage, in vitro, and her marriage is probabl strained from all of that but...that does not excuse blatantly hypocritical behavior.
Plus her "apology"...really a non-apology...is totally passive aggressive.
I'm sorry. I don't really have advice - I'm just outraged for you!
I am sorry you are going through this. I can see both sides of this. I don't really think she is being difficult on purpose. I think she is very worried about conceiving and also about pleasing her husband. Nothing against you, but I think it was good for her to get out with her husband, so they could get away from thinking about babies. She has offered you a way out because she probably can't take much more right now. I know you are stressed too, but if you decide to have children, you will have a better understanding of what she is going through. It seems to be, from what you have said, that she is trying to be there for you. She is just going through a lot right now. As for the game that was planned a year in advance, I am sure she was going to try to do both and had to make a very hard choice. What would you have done in the same situation? Would you have spent time with your husband to try to heal the heartache of losing a child? Or, would you have gone to your best friends to party, while your husband stayed home to deal with the situation by himself? You are right, she should have been more honest with you, but she probably felt very guilty and torn about the whole situation.
I dont know what to say. I think that the basketball game was probably something she felt obligated to because it was for her and her husband. Generally after surgery you can not fly long distances for 4-6wks due to risk of a blood clot. If she is on the east coast and the final four was in Indy she really didnt have a long flight like if she would have flown from the east coast to the west coast. Maybe that played a part in her decision.
I think that she is trying to be there for you but she is just going through a lot right now. Pregnancy and miscarriage can be very emotionally taxing. If I were you I would think about the friendship as a whole. Is she normally flaky and selfish or is this the first time you felt she acted this way. I would say if this is not the norm for her then you should give her a break. If she is normally selfish in the friendship then you probably should have ended it long ago. But from the information you have given us, it sounds like she made a hard decision to go to the final four with her hubby and didnt tell you because she knew it would upset you.
@ktbrady- thanks.
@noritake22- I really do understand how hard this is for her. I don't think that I am expecting too much or not getting it. I have done my very best to support her and give her the time she needs. I have tried not to put too much on her plate or pressure her to do anything she's not ready to do. I also get that she needs to heal and so does her husband. I do not understand why she lied to me about traveling. It feels like a bertrayal. All she needed to do was be honest with me. I have been doing my best to care for her and her needs but it is not reciprocated in the same way. I have been trying to look the other way because of her situration but I have feelings too.
I guess that there is also more to it than this instance. The fact that she has not been to see me in five years bothers me especially when I go visit her every other year and invite her all the time. She has also said that it is so expensive to fly out and it is, I did the same thing for her wedding and she is in a far better place finacially than me. There are other smaller things too.
Its just really hard for both of us now. I told her this and the reaction I get is to end the friendship and for her not to even come to the wedding. I just don't get that and that is what is really making me sad.
I think you have a right to be upset (and saddened) at this point. You sound like you've been very understanding with her "I can, then I can't, then I can, then I can't" behavior and then to find out she felt she couldn't fly for your shower... but it was ok to fly to go to the Final Four? No. I'm sorry - that's RIDICULOUS. Ridiculous, and just down right unacceptable. I would be horrified if one of my friends, much less my MOH pulled a stunt like that (and IMHO that's what it is - a stunt) and then lied by omission. She seems to be 100% focused on her needs and ONLY her needs. It sounds like you were there for her when she needed you (and you continue to be), but she seems to think that friendships are take take take ALL THE TIME (they are sometimes, but then they are give give give sometimes too). I hope things get better for you - I don't have any real advice for you but can at least provide re-assurance that it's not you who is being unreasonable here. She sounds like she's being super passive aggressive and trying to force blame on you for her actions with the whole 'not inviting her to the wedding' or 'ending the friendship' silliness. I'd just leave things the way they are and see if she comes around. You really can't force her to grow up and act like an adult (I understand she's hurting but life goes on and she needs to be there for you now too). I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Hopefully you have a good support system (mother, sisters, other friends) who can help you through this crucial time in your wedding planning. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way!!
Best Wishes,
Bella
Im sorry about this..I can understand her because trying to conceive and losing a child is very hard on most women. However, i dont understand why she brought up ending your friendship. It could either be that she wants a way out of the obligation from the wedding because of the physical and emotional strains she's going through or she's breaking up with you. Im sorry to be so honest, but as we get older we change, our situations change. I have been friends with this girl for YEARS and we barely talk now. After i moved our friendship changed..and we've had periods where we would not even talk. I hated it but at times it was easier to tell her that i didnt want to be her friend. and i did. Recently we have been talking again, after a huge fall out because of politics! Im sorry if it doesnt make sense at all... I would not give up on her though.
I hope all gets figured out for you two. It sucks losing such a dear friend.
Thanks Bees. I think that we are both in very emotional states. Mine is joyess and hers is saddness and it makes it really hard to communicate.
I'm not going to give up on a friendship that has spanned 15 years but I think that it will change. We really are very different people and what sustains our friendship is our history together.I think that she has always been the one that needed more and now that I need her it changes our roles a bit too.
I guess I just feel so stuck. I need her more than she can give at this time. I also think that she is being selfish and that if I was in her shoes I would need to be as well. Its just hard to be going through this happy time without her. When this happened it really hurt me deeply and it made me think about our friendship and what it really means to her.
Everthing that she has been through is also not an excuse to be dishonest with me. It is not ok to try and put blame on me for me being upset nor am I ok with her passive aggessive responses.
Ugh! I hate this.
I'm sorry :(. I would give it a few days & then call her. Let her know you still would love her to come to your wedding (that is, if you would). & if you mean it, let her know you understand that she couldn't make the shower, you'll love seeing her at the wedding. Keep it light, even dicussing the shower situation may stress her. I know it seems odd just talking can stress you out, but it can. I recently had an stress ulcer & when I got stressed, my stomach HURT even if it was working things out with FI after an arguement. I was super careful & had to avoid some people/convos.
Showers to most people aren't a huge deal, to the bride they are, but not always others. My shower is in a week & some people in town can't make it, its fine. I'm sure if it was your wedding instead of your shower, she woulda made it.
A miscarriage is a HUGE deal to the almost mom. One of my close friends had one about a year ago (& she just recently had a healthy baby girl) & it really hurt her. Not to disregard your feelings at all, but she probably feels hurt, confused, wondered if something was wrong with her, had doubts, plus her husband was probably there the most for her & they needed that escape to the game. They probably saw it as something VERY important to them. Not that your shower was any less important. She probably said things she didn't mean, she was so emotional & she may not even feel she was out of line.
My FI likes basketball, it drives me crazy. I will one day try to get him tickets to a game & go with him (when we have the money) & it will mean the world to him that I came with him. In tough times, sometimes 1 "fun" thing can change everything & make things go from bad to good.
On your side, I see how you were hurt. I don't think you were wrong for feeling hurt, it would sound wierd to me if a friend said she couldn't fly, but flew to somewhere else.
Sorry this is so long :(. But I really hope you & your friend resolve this!
Ok I musta been writing my response when everyone else replied. My comp froze & took forever to post it on here. :P
You two sound like you're on opposite levels. You said you are full of joy & she is probably full of sadness. That's tough. I don't think you should be blamed for anything or feel guilty at all. I'd just say give it time & see how things work out.
Good luck!
I could actually see her not going to the shower, and lying, and going to the final four. (I mean did she or her husband go to Butler or Duke or something? That's big.) Well, seriously, I could see in her state being kind of selfish, and feeling really exhausted at the thought of putting on a happy face when she absolutely isn't in the right frame of mind to do that. And getting a chance to do something that has nothing to do with blissful married life (of which babies are a part) is probably what she needs.
And it doesn't look good to lie, but what was she going to say, "Hey I can't make it because we're going to the final four."? It was probably just too hard to face your shower, and didn't know how to tell you. Maybe before all of this, she was happy to get out of the final four to go to your shower. Now with the miscarriage, maybe a basketball game looked pleasantly benign enough for her.
However, I can't blame you for a general feeling of you putting way more into your friendship than she has over the years. She does seem to be self centered in general. It sucks when we do more for our friends and they don't reciprocate. I would be hurt too. I would try to get back to her when you're both calm. Tell her you still would like to have her in the wedding, if she's still feeling up to it. But no hard feelings if she isn't. Try to smooth things over. But I would leave a lot in her court. My guess is it will be hard to maintain the friendship if she doesn't start putting more into it. Particularly since you will be getting married, and you're so far away from each other. Lots of things change when you get married and start a family. And if this is how she's reacting now, how will she react if you are able to get pregnant easily, or have kids before her?
So sorry you are in the middle of this frustrating situation when it should be happy wedding planning time. I think you've been a very supportive friend. If the situation happened to me, I would also be upset if I found out she went to a final four game when she was using not flying/resting as a reason to not come out west. However, maybe she's in another emotional state that just clouded her judgement.
I think a period apart to calm down is a good idea. Maybe write her a letter/card to let her know you still think of her as a close friend but understand she's going through lots. When she's ready to contact you, you'll be there for her. And leave it up to her. Maintaining a friendship requires work from both sides and she needs to be more thoughtful about you too.
Thanks Bees. I am going to give it some time. I really do know what BIG deal losing a child can be. I'm not trying to disregard what she is going through. My mom went through a really hard time trying to concieve and in the end she could not. She ended up adopting me. My FSIL had about 13 miscarriages before she had her daughter. Its not something that I take lightly nor is it something that I would lessen the significance of. I can also understand the need to just get away from it all and have some time together and chance to smile again.
I guess I feel like I am suppressing all these emotions so she can be ok and move forward with her life but its not healthy for me and today we were finally able to talk about it a bit. It should be that friends can talk about anything and trust that the other will honor them with respect. I finally could not hold back and spoke to her and tried very hard to keep it mature and with respect. I feel I really can't talk to her if this is her reaction.
I realized after the shower/bachelorette weekend that it would have been hard for her to be there. I had a great time but it is soo hard to fake a smile for that long. And that is probably what she would be doing. I just wish she had communicated better. Its so hard to be going through all of this especially because I don't think that she has room in her life for me right now.
Hopefully we can resolve things before the wedding which is only 40 days away!
I am very sorry that it appears that your friend cannot provide you with support right now. You seem like such a compassionate, thoughtful friend. I hope that you can put this all behind you, regardless of whether or not she is able to attend your wedding/be "there" for you. Have a wonderful wedding day!!!! :)
Is she back on fertility medication? If so, that could be cause for her emotions. Also, having a miscarrige and just the IVF process can be very taxing, both physically and emotionally. They can make a person crazy momentarily. Also, she's not just dealing with the loss of a child, but the potential reality that she may never be able to carry a baby to term, you know. Big stuff. That's not to excuse her thoughtless behavior because it's crappy when someone hurts your feelings, but really she just may not be in an emotional/physical position to be as thoughtful as she should.
I think it's great that you are giving it some time, and are so hopeful about the future. She is luck to have such a good friend!
So, I thought I would post an update of what is going on. So I was giving it time and I go onto facebook and she has changed the settings so I can't post anything or see her wall anymore. She just cut me out. I haven't spoken to her about that particular bit of info but I did speak to her last week.
I finally called and was really nervous. She ended our conversation saying that she would not take on the responsibility to end our friendship or not be in the wedding and I should call her if I still wanted to have her in my life. She answered the phone as if nothing had happened. She said she was giving me time to cool off. Here I am devasted by our conversation, crying and upset and she just moves on like it was no big deal.
She is really good at spinning things around and spoke to me, saying all the right things. How it was my day and it was important if I didn't want her in the wedding or to come she would do that. Well, she said that so much that I asked her if she even wanted to be there. She said yes but it seems very fake. I also never once said that I didn't want her there or that I didn't want her in the wedding.
I told her how upset I was and her response was to repeat that she had to make a tough choice and oops, sorry it upset you. I was more upset by the conversation and I told her as much. I ended the conversation feeling like she ust doesn't get why I am hurt or even has the capacity to understand.
I told her to come to the wedding but I am still really angry with her and I am not sure how to get past it. My other bridesmaid has been incredible. She was actually the one to confirm that my MOH went to Indy as she seen her before the shower and asked her directly. My MOH's response to her was that MOH's doctor had said to get some rest and so ahead and travel if things are already planned.
It has been a very frustrating and dissapointing experience. Now I need to figure out if she should still be in the wedding. What do you think I should do? I feel in such a bind. I also think that as my wedding is only 2 weeks away I should be focused on my FI and our marriage and all the love that surrounds us on a day to day basis. This thing with my MOH just needs to be done.
What to do????
This sucks - but from your posts it sounds like she's already made her decision to end the friendship, but wants you to be the one to "pull the plug" so she doesn't need to feel guilty about it (and can spin it that it was your decision).
With only 2 weeks to go, try to stop thinking about her and just focus on your upcoming wedding. If she shows, great! If not, then have fun without her. You've let her waffling hinder your experiences. Don't let her wreck your wedding day too.
Such a tough situation. It seems as though her inability to get pregnant and all the emotional waves that come with that, have consumed her. Some people just can't handle stressful things. Plus, who knows, she may be feeling inadequate or blaming herself for not getting pregnant. It seems as though you have been a great friend. You have been very supportive and selfless, when you are trying to plan your wedding, and things should be focused on you. It is hard to come by good friends like you, how lucky she is, really. That being said, this is your wedding and you also have a million types of stress, especially trying to plan it in only 6 months.(Which I prefer) But most women plan for at least a year. I would suggest, that, as you have made it quite obvious, that you would like to remain friends, that you continue to extend your invitation and support. I would, however, relieve her as MOH, and find someone more reliable. At this point in her life, it appears that being a friend/MOH, is not something that will be easy for her. Ask someone else, who is able to be there for YOU, to be your MOH. Tell your long time friend, that she is welcome to come, and you will save a seat and a meal, for her and her hubby. That way, you don't have to be stressed wondering if she will show up, this and that.. And she won't feel pressure to be all about your wedding. Likely, she will attend, I would think, as there are no duties for her. It is probably very difficult for her to think of your happiness, when likely her marriage, is under a strain.
As for that basketball thing, I agree with what someone else said on here. She is probabably trying to hang on to her husband, they are probably knee deep in arguments. Pregnancy issues, I think are quite possibly one of the hugest strains that a marriage can withstand. Who knows what is happening to their relationship, behind closed doors. When she just assumes that you want to end the friendship(how strange to just say that cause of a fight/disagreement) that to me sounds like she is so overwhlemed, that she can't even handle the smallest amount of stress.
Give her space, plan your beautiful wedding, and TRY to enjoy it whether or not she comes. I'm sure once she gets passed(hopefully) her pregnancy issues, and things go back to "normal" for her, she will be the first one to apologize and tell you what was Really, going on with her.
Enjoy your wedding. You sound like a great person and a very supportive friend and you deserve your happiness aswell. It is hard without your best friend, but life is full of challenges and hard times. This is just a hiccup in your 15 year friendship, you can make it through it.
Thank you, thank you!
@natdawn You are absolutely right.
She is coming to the wedding no matter what. I have been thinking about asking my other bridesmaid to be MOH and for her to be a bridsemaid still. My other bridesmaid (OB) I have been friends with for 27 years and she also very dear to me and a great supportive friend. I think that I should still have my MOH in the wedding just to honor our friendship as 15 years is a long time and we have been through so much together over the years.
I certainly hope that I can look back on this as a hicup.However, someone told me to try thinking about the people in my life who give me energy and the people who take it away. The people who take it away typically do not last in your life. Once I thought about it, I realized how much energy MOH takes. When we do visit I am always drained. My relationship with my OB is so energetic and easy. We can go for months without talking and when we do its like no time has past.
Thank you bees for all your support. This has been such a tough thing to deal with. I am going to try and focus on my wedding, which is less than 2 WEEKS!!! I can't wait!
I am so sorry hun!! Now it seems to me your the type of person that wants respect because you give respect, and honestly thats how it should be! YOu have been above and beyond supportive for your friend! There are a lot of brides out there that want there bridesmaids and MOH to be slaves for the bride (I have been watching bridezillas a lot 
) but you have been great. I cant dispute the fact that she is going through a tough time and she needs time to recuperate but she also has to set aside some feelings for you to, it is a two way street, not a two way the merges into one again!! This is an important time for you as well, WE plan on getting married once and only once she can continue trying for a baby anytime before/ after the wedding, and if she is not meant to have kids who is gonna be there for her then? I am not trying to be insensitive to her but it frustrates me that she can only think about her self when she needs to realize she has an awesome friend that she is pushing away, even though you cant help her have a baby, you can be there for her emotionally that even her husband cant provide. I hope I am making sense and helping you in some way. FYI you are getting married on my bday!! Good luck hun! And focus on the important day that lies ahead!!!
I have an update again and warning not such great news. I just spoke to my MOH and she has decided not to come to the wedding, which is 9 days away. She said she was doing it for me, not coming would let me be happier. This after I told her I wanted her there even if I am still am still hurting a bit.
She spoke to me in a very business like manner and really I think that she already ended the friendship in her mind and had firmly decided not to come without even speaking to me. I am just so hurt by her. It seems so selfish to claim she is not coming for my own good. I was trying to move on and I think that she just wants to protect herself and not be subject to any difficult emotions. If she was a true friend, I think she would have come and delt with any difficulty and just been there becasue she was my best friend for 15+years.
It just sucks! She thought that by doing this we could mend ways later but this really makes me want to just end the friendship more.
No I have to deal with everything related to her in the wedding. The programs that are already printed, the album I made for as a gift of her wedding, the vacancy of her room that needs to be filled up. Not to forget she was my MOH and now I am down to one person in my wedding party. My OB will no doubt stand up for me.
I know I will be happy on the day I get married but I can't help feeling that it will be a tad bittersweet without her there.
I'm so sorry that this has happened and that you now have to deal with this less than a week before your wedding. I think you should absolutely try to put it out of your mind and enjoy yourself, but perhaps write a letter you might not send to get your feelings out. It's incredibly frustrating that she's doing this, and it sounds like she used you calling her out on the basketball game vs. the shower as a way out of the friendship. It's frustrating to say the least, but you do have one fabulous friend who will stand up to be your MOH. Good luck next week!
Wow. What a giant mess. First off, for her to tell you all of this so close the wedding is flat out rude and selfish. She probably knew all along that she wasn't going to come. At least a month or two notice would have been better, ya know?
The fact that she's deflecting all involvement or accountability for her actions is mindboogling. All of her excuses/explanations are manipulative and are rather delusional. What kind of hogwash is it to say that "I'm bailing out 9 days before the wedding for your own benefit and for the sake of keeping our friendship"?
From what you've posted before, it looks like you were always the friend to her while she didn't offer much back (you taking the time out to visit her while she never returned the favor etc). If I were you I'd be scratching my head and thinking how the heck am I to blame for all of this? Trust me, you didn't do anything wrong at all. Keep your head up high and push through. You will have an amazing wedding. The bittersweet ending to your friendship with MOH just goes to show that there are people in your life that will be there for you and who want to support you (your OB). :)
I am so sorry you re going through this. The details of your story remind me so much of mine, it is crazy.
My MOH has been trying to conceive forever, and finally has. She will be 5 months pregnant at my wedding. She hasn't helped with anything wedding related really and it is driving me crazy. I actually just posted a bit of a rant myself. I have basically given up on fighting for her help or trying for her help, I should say. I haven't asked for her opinion on anything in months because she either doesn't respond or when she does, it's an uninterested "whatever" kind of response. But then she goes and says she can't wait to see me. I just don't get it.
My MOH and I agreed on a day for my bachelorette, 2 days before the wedding, because I am in the South and she and the wedding is in the Northeast. I just found out from another one of my BMs that my MOH is going to a concert on the day I thought we agreed was the party. I am quite upset but at this point, it's not worth my stress.
Your friend is definitely going through a tough time.. but that certainly does not excuse her comments. She is making everything your fault somehow and it's just not fair to you. I don't know all that was said, but her saying things about ending the friendship if you want and being uninvited to the wedding are a bit extreme. Don't let her get you down too much because I am sure much of her feelings are because she is feeling down right now herself and it may be difficult to feel anything but sorrow. :(
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I am so upset. My best friend and MOH are having a really tough time. We have been friends for 15 years and been there for each other through some really difficult times. I'm not even sure where to start.
She got married 3 years ago and I was was her MOH. She got engaged after 8 months to man that lived hundreds of miles away. I had been in a relationship for 5 years when this happened. I thought that it would be painful for me to see her get married so quickly when I had been waiting for so long. However I was overjoyed and was with her every step of the way. I flew out for her shower/bachelorette weekend and then again for the wedding day. I even managed to get a grip when my 6 year relationship ended and be there for her as she was for me.
Flash forward to when I got engaged. She was very happy for me. However from that point on it has been strained. MY FI and I set a date rather quickly for 6 months from our engagement. Yes it was quick but there was time to plan. After setting the date, I spoke to her about some possible dates for the wedding shower and bachelorette parties. She lives on the east coast and would need to make arrangements to fly to the west coast. Same as I did 3 years ago. She gave me the dates and I spoke with my family and my aunt, who was hosting and we set the weekend. Good to go, I thought.
Meanwhile, her husband and her have been trying to concieve and it has been extremely difficult. They ended up doing in vitro which was extremely difficult for them. So much so that she said she may not be able to travel for the shower. I completely understood how important this was to her and was ok with her missing everything.
Then she found out about a month after my enagement that they were pregnant. We were all excited but it was not easy starting out.
It eneded up that she was going to be able to come to the shower. I was thrilled. Especially because she has not been to my home in five years nor seen my new house we bought.
She had a miscarriage a few months later and was devastated. I was devestated for her. Needless to say the timing of our lives has not been more off. As the weeks went by she felt better and was getting through the day and begining to feel more herself. I was so proud of her effort to stay sane and get through this.
She said she may or may not be able to come to the shower and was waiting for the doctors final say. So we both hoped she could come. About 2 weeks before the shower she laid the news on me. She wasn't coming. She told me that she could travel if absolutely necessary. If I was on my deathbed or in the hospital she could. She said, if you really need me there I could come but she wanted to be conservative and take care of her body so she could have another baby. I was heartbroken but as a good friend I tried to understand and be supportive. It has been a really tough time for her.
Well right before the shower weekend I find out she went on a plane to the final four with her husband. I was so upset that she chose not to tell me and that she could travel to watch basketball but not to be at the shower, especially when we had arranged it around her schedule. I chose not to confront her because I wanted to have a fun weekend.
Well, time has gone by and I have called and she has called but we have not connected until today. I was straightforward about my feelings and how upset I was. Her reaction was defensive and her answer was to apologize but with strings. She said she had to make a tough choice and that the basketball had been planned for a year and it was important to her husband. She also thought that my issue was small and that one day I would understand about making tough choices. She apologized for not telling me but basically put it all back on me saying if I wanted to end the friendship I could . That she was not going to be responsible for it ending and it was my choice she was uninvited to the wedding.
Wow I as shocked. I just wanted to express my feelings and move forward. Se kept saying how hard it is for her now and that I should just let it go, that this was not a big deal. She also said that the conversation was putting pressure and stress on her and how could I do that to her when she was suppose to be relaxing for the sake of the futrue baby. At the same time she is telling me that I should have called when I found out and that I can talk to her about anything.
I feel completely stuck in the middle and unsupported by her and disrespected. It never once crossed my mind to end the friendship. I have been trying not to involve her too much because I didn't want to stress her out and now she is telling me she may not have the energy to do it.
I understand she is going through a difficult time but I need support too. I need my best friend. Am I being selfish? Am I asking too much? I just feel so hurt by the way she handled the situation and even more by her reaction. It felt very manipulative and uncaring. I don't think that she got it at all.
Help bees! Has anyone been through this. I am so sad and it feels like my heart is breaking.