Post # 1
So one of my girlfriends (who I plan to ask to be a BM) has been venting lately about another wedding she’s in. I want to bounce this off some bees and see what you think…
My friend J lives in Western Canada, she’s a BM in a wedding on the East cost of the US later this summer. She was fully prepared to pay for the flight dress, hotel, etc – all the things that go with being a BM in a DW…here’s where it gets crazy.
The BM dresses are $500 each – she wasn’t consulted at all, just told this is what we picked, please order yours, oh it has to be ordered in 2 weeks to get here in time
The hotel the bride has decided all her maids need to stay at will cost them $300 per night each
The MoH just emailed her asking for $400 for J’s share of the bridal shower (apparently the BM’s are splitting the cost but $400 EACH…what the hell kind of shower is this!?!?)
On top of that the MoH also wants $100 for J’s share of the gift to the bride.
No one has said anything about hair and makeup which J also expects to have to pay for.
Being in this wedding is going to cost her over $4000 when all is said and done…
This girl is currently working full time, doing her Masters in Business, saving to do a mission trip to Africa and just had her boyfriend of 2 years drain her savings account and then break up with her.
I’m beyond shocked and (to make this a little bit about me) it’s making me afraid to ask her to be a BM. I don’t want to not ask her because she’s told me these things. I love her and can’t imagine not having her as a BM but I also don’t want to cause her stress. I have absolutely no intention of asking my BM’s to spend anything close to this amount of money.
Is it just me or has this wedding gone off the rails?!?!
Post # 3
Either the MOH is out of touch with reality, or your friend is hanging out wiht people who have far greater financial resources than she does.
Post # 4
@julies1949: she actually makes a good living (she’s doing better than I am) she just has a lot on her plate. I do wonder about these BM’s though. It sounds like it’s a very fancy pants wedding, possibly black tie. I don’t think J knew that when she agreed to be in the wedding. She told me tonight that if she’d had any idea it would cost her this much she would have declined.
Post # 5
I would be encouraging my friend to drop out of this wedding. It is absolutely insane that anyone would be expected to spend this much to be in a wedding!
Post # 6
@MsGinkgo: I would make sure she knows she can still opt out. This is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on someoone else’s wedding.
” I’m sorry ____, but with my other obligations, I am unable to be in your bridal party. I will be happy to attend as a guest.”
Post # 7
really sad part is – she booked her plane tickets today BEFORE all this extra money stuff came in from the MoH
Post # 8
@MsGinkgo: MOH and bride have both gone crazy.
If the bride is going to dicate what hotel her BMs should stay at, then she should pay. Your friend should decline the $300 /night room and look elsewhere.
Your friend should refuse to give MOH $100 for the gift, saying she will buy a gift herself. And of course ask MOH why the shower costs so much.
Though I agree with PPs that a better option is probably to drop out of the wedding. Yes she’s already lost $500 on a dress, but it makes the point that this cr*p won’t be tolerated.
Post # 9
Most airlines let you cancel for a full refund within 24 hours Of booking. You usually have to do it over the phone, not online.
PS your poll needs an option for “your friend needs to drop the heck out of this money-pit of a wedding!”
Post # 10
Yeah that’s freakin’ crazy. I would never spend that much as a BM and I would never DREAM of asking my BMs to pay that much. However, I don’t think that has anything to do with your wedding. If your BM costs will be reasonable, I wouldn’t not invite her just because this other wedding is draining her.
Post # 11
okay – so popular opinion seems to be that J should drop out of this wedding.
Should I suggest this to her? I hate the stress this is causing her, she has so much going on already. She’s such a wonderful person, she’s so generous and an amazing friend. I know she won’t want to disappoint the bride but I’m afraid this is going to be a serious strain on her.
Post # 12
That’s seriously nuts. I’d have been out at the dress, personally.
I’d say do ask your friend to be your bridesmaid but make sure she knows that your expectations are not that crazy.
Post # 13
@MsGinkgo: that’s a LOT of money! Next time J is venting to you about the wedding maybe say “have you considered asking to attend as a guest? It seems like its straining you financially, I’m sure they’d understand”.
Post # 14
@MsGinkgo: She should drop out but then again this isn’t your issue. I don’t think you should convice her to. I mean she has a mind of her own and hopefully her own backbone too.
By all means ask her to be your BM. All these are her decisions, not yours.
Post # 15
$400 pp for the shower is prob avg around here- why I don’t want one. The rest is insane.
Post # 16
@Bubbles42: I’m just curious what $1200+ goes to for a shower? (i know there are at least 3 BM’s) The shower is being held at someone’s house….I just don’t get it.
I’ve thrown lots of parties (and baby showers) for less than $250 – granted that’s not providing alcohol but still. $1200+ seems awfully high for a shower!