Weddingbee boards

I really need some advice.  My best friend (only of a few years) and MOH (one out of two) has been really, really hurting my feelings lately, and especially after sa fallout on the phone, I feel disrespected and unsupported and don't know which direction to go.  I have 7in my bridal party; 5 maids, and 2 MOHs, and she is the ONLY one causing drama. There have been a series of instances that I could account for where she has not only been unsupportive, but downright mean and even unreasonable about her accusations towards me.  The first instance all started after I got really fed up with her and her boyfriend CONSTANTLY making fun of projects that FI and I were planning / working on for our wedding.  It was in the early stages - about a year ahead - but we had to start so early becuase I was going to be moved away for the last six months before the wedding for an intense internship away from home, and I just wanted to get as much done and out of the way before then. 

WELL a little reqind - just to be clear, a few months before this (so about 15 months ahead)  I met up with all of my bridesmaids, made them a cute planner, and put all of the important dates in there that they would need to remember, along with a list of all the girls' contact information, the dress information (where / when to buy / the cost ), a list of financial responsiblibilies the girls would need to be aware of (their dress, shoes, etc), and a list of bridesmaids and MOH duties and responsibilities for the bride, along with the bride's responsibilities and duties for her maids.  I put a cute pic of each girl and me on the front of each girl's planner.  All 7 of them absolutely loved it - except for one, the MOH, I'll call H.  She called me a bridezilla for making the planner.  I just thought of it as being extrememly well organized and letting the girls know what I expect of them, so that they know whether or not they can make such a big committment.  Well, first she laughed at all the tasks on the list - she didn't know about paying for the bridal shower, all the planning, and going to vendors and helping me out with every detail.  Well, as time went by, no one helped - not her or any other BMs.  Only me, and my FI  when he could.  She did come over (at the 1 year ahead instance I started talking about earlier) when I had been working on Tears of Joy packets.  She never offerred to help, just sat down and started watching a movie with her BF that was also there.  When I finally hinted that she should be helping, she did 2 packets (out of 100) and then threw them down, claiming she gave up because it was too difficult.  I just let it go, and thought that she wanted to spend time with her BF.  Well, there were many times on the phone when she wanted to hang out, and once in a while I'd be so excited about a wedding project that I'd say something like "Oh!  That's perfect!  I have two invitation designs and I want your opinion!"  - nothing along the lines of work at all - and she just always replied with "Oh, OR we could just keep it casual and just hang out."  Up until yesterday, she has done not one thing for me that I have asked.  Once in a while I'll send pics out to her and the other MOH of cute shoes, etc and asking for their opinions.  I usually don't get her replies back.  I have sent countless e-mails to all of my maids (not just her) begging them to please step up, and let me know if they have free dates I could come over to work on things with them.  I tried to explain that working 40 hours a week, then going to school at night until 9pm every night, then working on wedding stuff for 2 hours, then studying for 2 hours, was really taking a toll on me.  No one stepped up, except for one BM.  But all the others (except H) kept emailing and texting me and saying oh you just pick the when and where and I'll try to make it, and they were all very supportive.  All H could talk to me about was how she had to have a poofier dress than the other MOH and how she wanted to stand by me and hold my bouquet at the ceremony and sit by me at the table and give the first speech.  The other MOH told me to give her all of those things, which was very classy of her (but I didn't designate anything yet).  All BMs were very supportive of my ideas, too.  Except H.  She kept making fun of all the crafty things I was making (tears of joy packs, petal cones for the ceremony, my own aisle runner, etc).  FINALLY I spoke to her and told her how, even though she might not be intending to hurt my feelings, that it really does hurt when she makes fun of something I have worked COUNTLESS hours on (like invites).  I also explained how her unsupportive responses, like "Oh yeah, nice" to a project I worked like 20 hours on hand-making, or "I'm not having that at my wedding!"  or "I'm not doing that when I get married!  No way - I want this!!" in regards to a tropical honeymoon getaway - like I'M THE WEIRD ONE - how annoying that was to me  and that I felt like she was trying to make it about her, even though she is not even engaged yet.  SO anyways, she was VERY SUPPORTIVE and responded positively.  She told me that she was so sorry she hurt my feelings, but just thinks I am getting way too involved with the planning process [uh duh.... I kinda have too bc no one else is going to help me obviously].  She said I need to look at the important things in the wedding and emphasize those things.  Well, I held on to her advice and appreciated her positive response, but I know how I wnat my wedding and it's going to get done that way!!!!

WELL - Last week I started my internship, moved two hours away from my FI, 4 hours away from my family, and have been working 12 hour days, studying like CRAZY, and still trying to plan this wedding.  So I decided to make a checklist of all the other things that still need to be done for the wedding and decided that I would send the list out to the maids so they could volunterily help on their own time over the next 8 months to take a load off me.  Things on the list included things such as buying fabric at JoAnn for me (which I would reimburse), look up purple cocktail recipes online, send me pic ideas of shoes and jewelry, cut ribbons for paper lanterns, etc.  NONE of them were hard, except for bridal shower/BP/rehearsal dinner planning - to which I noted that we all should be helping out with those (in my opinion).  I was very nice and though the list was long (because I described the purpose and gave description on each thing), I only asked the girls to try and do 1-2 items on the list each over the next 8 months (that's 14 things on a list of over 30).  I even told the girls I would DRIVE the paper projects or other supplies I have already purchased to their place (which EACH live >1 hour away) so they could work on it - because I have so much left to do.  I immediately got 2 or three responses back of things that BMs would do and was VERY pleased.  They were all supportive, even one friend getting married in June, from which I did not expect help.  BUT then last night I FINALLY get a call from H saying on that same day she called bridal shower and rehearsal dinner venues and got info on that and it was very stressful.  Then she goes off on me about how RUDE I am to ask my bridesmaids to do so much!   She said how dare I knowing that everyone is so busy and that I am being WAY too demanding and that she did not know that being the MOH in this wedding would be so "intense" as I "am making it be"  (ummm... remember, she has not done ANYTHING yet... I forgot to mention I even ordered and PAID for her dress becuase she didn't have the money on time).  I let her say her peace but then after she started telling me how I am going way overboard on this wedding, how I want all of these things done for yes, my dream wedding, but that I need to start realizing that I am not going to have those things because it is unrealistic - I went off (but in a nice way).  SO TYING BOWS IS EFFING UNREALISTIC?  HAVING PPL GO TO THE STORE AND BUY ME A TEN DOLLAR ITEM THAT I WILL REIMBURSE THEM FOR IS UNREALISTIC?  I am sorry, I am SO PISSED.  I have done what I feel is so much BEYOND what any other brides would do for their BMs, including taking them out to a picnic, making them homemade cards, constantly sending e-mails of how thankfufl I am to heave them in my life and in my wedding, and more.  I have not asked for anything!!!!!  But when I do, I am made to feel like a "bridezilla" and told that I need to give up on my dream wedding because my BMs cannot dedicate such time to me. 

My first response was, what did you think you were signing up for?  I know I shouldn've been more supportive of her opinion, but I just couldn't.  At first I was just SO angry that she STILL didn't want to dedicate any of her time to helping me - and SECOND - the thing that REALLY pissed me off - was that she degraded my crafting projects, my ideas, and in my opinion, the heart and soul of our future wedding - she said, "Why haven't you focused your time on more important projectts?  Like invitations? That time "we" (I say we becuase SHE didn't help at all) worked on Tears of Joy Packets - we could've been working on invitaitons or something actually important."  THAT pissed me off.  So my ideas - my projects which I put hours and hours and hours into are not important?????? OBVIOUSLY they are to me.... so shouldn't they be to her too?  It's not like I am aksing my maids to fly on a plane to Mexico and pick me up a special bottle of Tequila or something.  I am only asking for the simplest things..... which I fricken told them in the beginning I would do!!!!!! I  am so angry, my stomach is in knots.  How could she possibly feel like I am being intense????  She says she has been in weddings before and it has never been this intense before.... but ok, first of all..... how is it intense when you haven't done anything except call 5 vendors one day for a price quote after being MOH for a YEAR in already!?!?! That's intense????  Because you haven't helped me along the lines at any point before this.......  And second, she has NOT been in weddings before.  She told me SEVERAL times she was a junior BM about ten eyars ago, and let me know if I am wrong, but I don't really think 12 year old junior BMs are involved in the planning process and really know what's going on.  FI was very upset when I told him, too - he has been very supportive and he and my mom have been the ONLY ones that have physically sat down and helped me do projects, besides one BM  I don't know if she is lazy, or just plain RUDE or just doesn't get it because she doesn't know how "intense" a wedding planning process might become.  Or maybe she just did not know what was expected of her.  Maybe I was not clear enough on that in the beginning.  But regardless, I feel that my ideas and efforts and hard work I have put into projects should not be insulted - even if she thinks it is stupid, or not important compared to the necessities.  To me, the small things make the big impact.  Shouldn't it matter what I want?  Shouldn't she be by my side and willing to do everything I ask anyways?  Shouldn't she at least be supportive, and at the LEAST if she doesn't understant why I am asking BMs to help, shouldn't she just tell me in a nicer more supportive way?  Please help me, because I don't know what to do,  Her BF is the best man, and he is the same way - he thinks anything little in the planning process should be discarded.  FI has been so supportive and he really doesn't think I should even have her in the bridal party anymore.  But I don't want to resort to that.  Please tell me, how bad is this situation if we cannot see eye to eye?  What steps should I take next, or should I do nothing?!?!          [Thank you, and I am SOOOO sorry this was soooo long.... drama always is, isn't it??]

Ok, I really appreciate everybody's help on this.  But I do want to comment - I did not give the girls a binder - it was a 3 by 5 inch planner that was 1cm thick.  It was full of planner paper - not taks I assigned them to do. I searched tasks and responsibilities of bridesmids on the internet, and at about 5 different sites (you can look it up yourselves), it DID say that the MOH should be helping be involved with vendors and wedding tasks like paper projects.  I did not just pull that out my butt.  Secondly, I did not tell them or demand of them anything - in my letter to them I asked "if you have have the time" could you please help me!  On another note, honestly, I swear, if I would have known that it is NOT their responsibility to help me, I would have felt much different in the first place and probably not sent out the letter.  This is what I have found from searching on the internet and asking other friends and things, though!  If I would have known that they don't have to do anything but show up, to be honest, FI and I would have put the wedding off for another year.  Not only did I expect that they would want to contribute, as they said they would in the beginning, but that they actually would, since I asked them to in the first place.  I really do not think that looking up drink recipes online or giving me shoe or jewelry suggestions should be a problem for them.  Those were the kinds of things I am asking of them - and asking, not demanding.  If FI and I had tons of money we wouldn't have to do it all ourselves or ask for any help; we could just buy it already done, order it online, or hire a wedding planner.  But I am going to school, working, and he works full time, and we are just starting out.  FI is paying for two rents right now until I start my job in my new town - with very little money.  I have been asking the maids for months to please be aware that I might need some help when the move happened and they all agreed (or seemed to agree) with pleasure.  I just feel blindsided that the issue never came up before.  And regardless of anyone helping me or not, I don't CARE if I have to do it myself, I don't care if not a single person helps me, like I said before, her support is what matters.  Obviously I need it right now.  Her words really hurt me and that's where I am at right now.  But I thank you all for your advice, and please keep it coming.  I AM starting to look at this at a new angle, I just wish everyone knew how I felt right now.

FYI ppl above: I did not ever ask my girls to help me find vendors, or call them, or anything like that.... I simply printed out a list from the internet of what the GENERAL tasks are that a BM should expect to be a part of during the planning process  from day one.... that doesn't mean I asked them to do all of those things!  I didn't ask them to do any of it!  Except for 1-2 DIY stuff each.  So you guys all seriously think that that is demanding?  Maybe it is... it is just VERY hard for me to understand, but I am trying.

But I mean do you guys have like 50 person weddings or something? Or have a wedding planner?  Because we are having a 300-350 person wedding and it is not easy to prepare for that kind of party on your own and to have it be very special to you.  And "not easy" is putting it really lightly.  But I am not going to go on anymore about that.  I DO understand it is my wedding and I need to be the planner.  I feel a little insulted by some people's comments about that because of all he 100s of hours I already have put into it.

I am a BM for the first time in a wedding in June, also, and I am MORE THAN WILLING to drive an hour to her house to help her with stuff even with my busy schedule.  I really do think that the girls should want to do more than just pay for a dress abd stand there on my day!  To me that is not what being a bridesmaid is all about!  I am 100% dedicated to the bride and am there for her emotional AND physical support.  And I feel that if a BM is a true friend, she would WANT to be a part of this process, in my opinion, does anyone get my point out there??

Thanks Miss Steinbeck.  It's nice to get some positive and realistic advice that I can move forward with and do it with a better attitude.  I am a little disappointed in some of the other posts because I think they are being a bit harsh and very negative.  I often do think about how busy the other girls are, but sometimes my dreams of this wedding cloud that sort of judgment.  And you're exactly right about spending quality time with them as well.  We are all so extremely busy (all in college or recently graduated, starting our lives in new cities, new careers, engagements, etc.) that it is extremely difficult to spend time together anyways.  We all live in different cities, so I try to call them at least weekly and not talk about wedding stuff over the phone.  But nobody calls me.  Nobody ever asks how it's going or what they can do to help.  I guess I just need to get over this pity party and do it myself. 

And YES my fiance helps me every single night btw. 

And I typed up this post for HELP with my MOH situation not to be ridiculed people.

And YES I have female relatives that can help with jewelry ideas... but if the BMs are wearing them, don't you think they should like them??? I was only trying to be kind here and NOT be a bitchy bridezilla and tell them what to do and force them to wear something they didn't like...... I let them pick their style dress after I gave them a brand, I am making them hair flowers, clutches, shoe decor, I am letting them choose their hair style and such, and I wanted them to be able to have what they want for jewelry and shoes, even though my FMIL is going to making the jewelry and I am paying for the shoes.  Is that really wrong?

Thanks everyone for your advice.  I really didn't ask the girls to be involved ANY step of the way, let alone ALL steps of the way though, except for picking out their dresses until this list which is obviously the death of me.  Everyone (on the Bee) keeps saying that I am expecting way to much of them but I just do not understand how asking girls to do 1-2 things for me over the course of 8 months is demanding.  They have not done a single other thing - but yet everyone says that I have been so demanding of them.  Everyone that I have talked to in person says that they have been BMs for several weddings and have pretty much planned the wedding or have been asked to be very involved.  I have not asked that of my maids!  I don't get how everyone thinks this is so weird that I am asking for help!

But either way, that's why I am here - you obviously all have the same or similar opinions which means my standards are probably set too high as well as my expectations.  I would do this for another bride, but obiviously it should not be expected in my situation.  Obviously we would have hired a wedding planner if we could have afforded it.  Still can't so not an option.  But the good news is my expectations are now adjusted.  I no longer expect my maids to help out.  Which is fine - it just took a lot to get me there.  thanks mightywombat - I DO like your suggestions and yes I will try prioritizing.  Thanks evrybody for putting this into a different perspective for me.  I just don't know what kind of weddings you've been in because EVERYONE that I  have talked to (and this was WAY before this situation popped up) asks their BMs for help.  I guess I am just from an idiotic town or something.  lol.  Thanks again.

That's true linquo.  Thank you.

And countless e-mails - means like onece a month (over the past year) with the acception of the MOHs getting about 2/month. 

Thanks again for the advice.  I want to remind everyone that the list I obtained of MOH and BM responsibilities was from the internet and pretty much the same over multiple sites.  It DID say that the MOH is supposed to help with all details that she thinks I need support in, including vendor seeking if the bride asks (look it up!!! some of them don't say it but some do.... regardless, there was NO WAY I was going to ask my girls to do that for me....I just put in in there so they knew what SOME brides expected of them, and I highlighted the ones I expected of them, including attending the rehearsal and dinner, paying for their dress, paying for their shoes and jewelry (which I am trying to pay for for them now), planning a bridal shower along with the help of my family, and helping me with SOME DIY projects along the way).  You all keep saying I MADE these girls go with me to see vendors and things but I DIDN'T.  I NEVER ASKED FOR THOSE THINGS.  I was simply showing them a fricken list I got from the internet!!!!

Some of you keep making me sound like I have fricken enslaved these girls.... I have not asked them to DO the things on that fricken list!  I haven't asked them to DO anything up until the last tiny DIY projects are left and gave them 8 months to possibly find the time to help me with them!!!!!  I just gave them an idea (in the list) of typical things that many brides would expect them to do and did not (until now) ask for their help. 

And you bees may not all be right!  I am sorry, but EVERYONE I have talked to about this besides the bees think that a bridesmaid's DUTY is to help her bride along the way. Maybe YOUR definition of bridesmaid is not the same as everyone else's?  Not the other way around?  Do any of you guys look at this through MY eyes?  I told them at the beginning I would REALLY need their help when I moved, and they ALL agreed with confidence that they would.  And for almost a YEAR I did not ask them to do anything - I just kept them updated on my planning, how busy I was, and eventually YES started remining them that when I moved I would really need their help AND SUPPORT especially. 

So I ask them to help me with 1 to 2 DIY projects with me, or look things up on the flippen internet, and tell them IF THEY HAVE THE TIME then do it, and apparently I am a slave driver.  Seriously I am trying to get this - and I do get it now that I can kiss any help goodbye from them - but it is very hard.  Maybe where you guys come from it is the norm to not do anything as a BM until the day of the wedding, but I have never heard of that in my life.  I think that's ridiculous.  I posted this never expecting for anyone to criticize me for asking for help - I honestly was expecting to hear advice on how to handle my (what I feel as) troublesome and mean MOH.  But instead, this was my first post, and EVERYONE has a right to their opinion, but I get hammerred for my opinions and not very much advice.  If I could, I'd change the name of my post to "Help me with my MOH" Instead of "is asking for help ridiculous?" becuase all of you are answering THAT question when what I need is guidance on how to deal with a negative and unsupportive MOH.  I don't understand why you guys cannot look at this from my eyes - you're only seeing YOUR opinion that bridesmaids just show up - and MINE is that that is BS - they should be helping and I have NOT asked much of them at all.   So thank you to those of you who gave your opinion and tried to HELP me decide where to go from here.  I truly appreciate it.