Post # 1
Hello fellow bees!
I need some advice from people who don’t know me personally. I’m having a tough time choosing a MOH. I wasn’t lucky enough to have a sister to make this decison easy, dang parents hah! Anyway, here is my delima: I have a bestfriend who is more like family now, we’ve been apart of each others lives longer than we haven’t. We have been through almost everything together life could throw at you. A few years ago she moved to another city, threw herself a “going away” party but didn’t invite me- her excuse was she knew I wouldn’t come anyway since it was across town and on a work night. In my mind, that should of been my call to make. I’ve noticed there are times she comes into town and doesn’t call me. She plans trips with another girl we grew up without including me. I always have myself convienced that we have grown apart and aren’t “adult friends” as my FI would call it. THEN we see each other and it’s like we never skipped a beat, and I couldn’t imagine my big day without her.
On the other hand, I have my best girlfriend that lives in the same town as me. We are together pretty much every weekend. We’ve been friends for almost 8 years and have a great friendship. She is the one that I go to with any issues and we too have been through a lot together. We plan all our trips together and I too couldn’t imagine my day without her.
When my FI and I were talking about the bridal party I came to the conclusion to have BOTH of them as my MOH but then again something happens with the long term BF and makes me realize she doesn’t include me in her life as much anymore (that street goes both ways because I know I can do a better job including her in my life). I’ve thought about having my friend that lives here be my MOH and the other just a bridesmaide.
I am completely torn on what to do! What are ya’lls thoughts?!
Post # 3
@HoustonLove: “On the other hand, I have my best girlfriend that lives in the same town as me. We are together pretty much every weekend. We’ve been friends for almost 8 years and have a great friendship. She is the one that I go to with any issues and we too have been through a lot together. We plan all our trips together and I too couldn’t imagine my day without her.”
This girl would be my MOH and the other long time friend a BM. Good luck on your decision.
If you want to see the results easier you might want to add a poll.
Post # 4
I was in a friends wedding and it is a mirror to what you just described…My friend ended up choosing the newer (closer) friend to be her MOH, this killed her older friend (almost sister). They are no longer friends anymore and she pulled out of the wedding at the last moment…
Don’t know if that helps at all…but just be prepared for the outcome you didn’t expect.
Post # 5
Please keep in mind that you do not have to have a MOH. At all. They can just all be bridesmaids. Or you can have two MOH if you have more than just the two bridesmaids.
In situations like this is sounds like it will cause drama no matter who you choose. So don’t choose.
Post # 6
Definitely the newer, local friend as MOH. Normally I’d say older friends are better choices, but this new friend you’ve has been close for 8 years, which is a long time.
The older friend seems to have “moved on” and IMHO would be a bad choice as MOH. Why? Because I have read lots of stories which begin something like this: “I chose my childhood friend as MOH. We’d grown apart in recent years but I thought being MOH would bring us closer together. But she just doesn’t seem to value our friendship and she keeps flaking out on me…”.
Post # 7
@russian_doll: But if she would pull out of the wedding entirely because she wasn’t MOH, she’s not really someone you want standing up with you anyway.
I clearly vote newer friend. You’re closer to her now, AND she’s close enough to you that she can be your sounding board for wedding things.
Post # 8
Newer friend (who isn’t really “new at all — 8 years is a long friendship, girl!!). If you want to still include your older bestie in the wedding, have her be a bridesmaid. This way you’re not excluding her completely, but you’re showing the “newer” girl your appreciation for her being by your side loyally for the last 8 years.
Post # 9
I voted for the “new” friend because honestly it will be a bigger help and comfort to you to have your MOH be in the same town. My MOH lives across the country from us, and while I wouldn’t change my mind for the world because she’s my best friend, it is kind of lonely and more work for me not to have her right here to talk over stuff, look at dresses/cakes/venues, and just generally be together.
Also, since your in-town friend is actually a pretty long term friend as well as being a much closer part of your everyday life, she will have a better understanding of your needs and wants through out the process. Since you’ve planned trips together, I’m assuming she also has a good relationship with your FI. That’s also a big help, especially if/when the stress starts to ramp up.
If your out-of-town friend questions your choice, you always have geography and convenience as your reasons. Hopefully she is the type who will be understanding and not cause drama. She might already be in that place anyway and will just automatically accept and be happy with your choice.
Post # 11
I have a friend like your LT friend, been friends since we were 2.in the middle of high school, it got stained slightly, but not enough to worry me yet. ( We never went to school together unlike my other BFFs, she was always a friend I had to see on weekends and stuff.) Then after high school, I was always the one to make the plans. I called her. She didnt pick up, and more than half the time she didnt call me back. Excuses were always made, but I knew better.College years are even worse. She has not come to my birthday in 3 years, with the most BS excuses. This year she didnt come to my birthday because she didnt want to “drive downtown” Okay fine, my boyfriend and my BFF offered to drive her, and she didnt take them up on the offer. Just one example of her not caring enough to hang out. And after helping 2 girlfriends plan their weddings at the current moment, I have a plan in my head of who my bridal party will be. Not only will she not be the MOH, she wont be a BM at all.
Its not always longetivty you are looking for in a friendship, but consistency.
If they arent there for you year round, they wont be there for you on that one day of the year.
Post # 12
@Everdeen: I’m too am doing just BMs at my wedding. Don’t want to have to choose a MOH out of the bunch. It’s my wedding and it can be however I want. 🙂
However, my vote is for the newest friend if you decide to have one.
Post # 13
Why not have both? It will show both of them how much they mean to you and will give you the chance to work on your relationship with your old friend since you have indicated in your post that both of you haven’t been making the effort.
Post # 14
@Neetch: No, she pulled out because she felt so hurt that she didn’t get asked to be the MOH after practically being sisters…And any time the other friend talked to her it was like she was being bossed around and not apart of anything…
It was actually really uncomfortable to be put into the middle of…I think it was a shame that such a long friendship ended like that.
I’m actually still friends with all the girls…..
Post # 15
@russian_doll: I’ve been there (the older friend who wasn’t MOH). I was the primary (elementary) school friend, MOH was the high school friend. Turned out bride felt closer to her HS friend. Was I disappointed? Of course. But life goes on, as did our friendship. I took it maturely, and hopefully OP’s old friend will too. But since OP’s old friend has a habit of leaving her out, I don’t think she (the old friend) will be surprised.
Post # 16
@paula1248: I know life goes on and I wish it turned out better…Was just adding what could happen…
I know myself that I would choose the person I was closer to at the time…