Post # 1
I’m posting today to see if any bees have had similar situations or any advice they can give me; I feel fairly helpless and unsure of what to do.
My best friend got engaged back in July, and quickly asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I gladly accepted and have been very excited for her and her FI, although as of yet I haven’t gotten the chance to really get to know the guy.
Well, the other day, my friend told me she was 90% certain she was going to break up with him. Her reasons are good: he’s been verbally putting her down, i.e. “you’re really bitchy to people you don’t know, and that’s why a lot of people don’t like you… you know that, right?” as if saying she already knew that makes it less of a dig. He also has some anger management issues, and is resisting seeking help for them. She said he’s gotten physically violent a couple times in their copious fights – nothing that’s left a mark, but still.
I know a little something about abuse, and this situation looks ripe for it, if it isn’t already occurring in some capacity. Obviously, my feelings towards the groom are much less warm and fuzzy now that I know of these things. My friend is now at a point where she’s actively trying to end the relationship, but she says every time she tries to break up with him, he threatens to kill himself.
I don’t know what to do here, specifically with the suicide threats. Obviously he’s saying that to control her, whether or not it’s actually true. How can I help her get out of this situation? What do I do if she DOESN’T get out of the situation? I can’t in good conscience participate in a ceremony for a marriage I know isn’t going to be a good thing for my friend. I also don’t know how to act when I have to interact with the would-be groom – I guess pretend like nothing is wrong. Although I’d honestly rather kick him repeatedly in the shins.
Post # 3
You need to get your friend out of that house. If he becomes violent again, call the police on him and have him taken somewhere where they can assess if he really has suicidal tendencies or if he is just trying to control her.
Post # 4
I agree with MissAsB. Unfortunately though, you won’t be able to get her to leave him, unless she is willing. From what you have stated, she is already being abused. She needs to get out of there, irreguardless of what he says. He seems very controlling and is more than likely just saying that he will commit suicide to control her. She can leave and then call the police to have them check on him to make sure he is okay.
Post # 5
She needs to call his bluff on the suicide thing. It’s just a control tactic. Hopefully she can advise his family or other support system so they can be on suicide watch in case it is a real possibility, but she needs to go. Many women have a natural inclination to want to “save” people, and guys like that prey on that.
Post # 6
Based on what you’ve said (put downs, unspecified physical agression, threatening suicide, etc.) your friend is already being abused. The use of physical aggression in any way, shape or form in an argument (whether it leaves a mark or not) ought to be a deal breaker, IMHO. Do everything you can to help your friend out of this relationship. If he threatens suicide, by all means call the cops! Have him admitted for an emergency psych hold – suicide threats are definitely cause for one. If nothing else, he’ll end up getting a three day “vacation” and possibly some help with his issues.
Post # 7
@MissAsB: Fortunately, they’re not living together yet. And believe you me, if it was in my hands to call the police when he gets violent/threatens suicide, I’d do it, but he’s not doing those things with other people around so it’s down to her to do that. I don’t think she will unless things get a whole lot worse.
@noritake22: She’s already TRYING to leave him, that’s where the suicide threats come in.
@SapphireSun: I agree that he’s bluffing. I don’t think she wants to gamble with that, though – I’m sure all she can think about is the kind of agony she’d go through if he really wasn’t. I think the idea of telling his family to keep an eye on him is a good one, but she’s probably afraid of how his family would react to her if (when) she dumps him. I can definitely imagine them grabbing their proverbial pitchforks and torches, considering the grooms younger brother was ALSO recently dumped rather unceremoniously by his fiance.
Post # 8
They’re having a fight as I type, and I’m flipping out. I told her that I know she probably doesn’t want to leave him alone, but that I’m more concerned for her safety right now and I want to come get her.
I thought they were at his place 20 minutes away – but actually they’re at her place, an hour away, so it isn’t as simple as removing her from the situation… debating whether I should go over there anyway, but she might tell me not to… UGGHHH
Post # 9
She needs to leave the house but get to a place where she is surrounded by people. Leaving him to move into an apartment alone is a dangerous move. He sounds like a person who has the “if I can’t have you know one will” and he may try to hurt her. I’m not saying it will happen, but if/when she leaves she needs to be under constant care inc ase he shows up.
Post # 10
I would go anyway. It worries me that she will leave when ‘things get worse’. There will always be an excuse and she will probably say it can always get worse. But worse can equal dead in these situations. You don’t want that to happen to your friend.
Post # 11
Threatening to commit suicide is a controlling tactic on his part and is very telling about his state of mind. We all can agree she needs to get out of there, it’s getting her to see that and act on it that is important. It seems like she’s getting closer and closer to leaving so just be there for her in whatever way you can. When is the wedding, BTW?
Post # 12
I totally agree with the rest of the bees. This guy is threatening to commit suicide so he can control her. This seems like it could turn into a scary situation. She definitly needs all the support she can get right now. If this guy does anything else she needs to call the police. Good luck to you and especially your friend!
Post # 13
She cant just stay with him just to prevent him from committing suicide thats why we have psych hospitals. She should leave him. today if possible. lol. seriously though, she shouldnt wait around for him to get one more opportunity to hurt her
Post # 14
I agree with pps that she needs to get out now. The threatening is his way of regaining control and power. This is going to sound awful, but he will probably start to feel as if he “owns” her after they get married and the abuse will just get worse. I’d just tell her that, you love her and want to see her in a happy & healthy relationship, but will not stand in a marriage for one that doesn’t seem to be able to live up to that standard. Remind her that you are in her life as a friend to support her and to encourage her to her best potential, personal, professional and relational!
Post # 15
I was in the exact same situation, except that I was already married to the guy (BIG mistake, but after about a month and a half I realized I needed to get out). Anyway, he kept threatening and I just said, I can’t stay here to keep you alive. I need to keep myself alive. When I came to drop off the annulment papers, he had cuts around his neck…and said they were from trying to hang himself. It looked more like he’d cut himself with something to make it look like that. I know this sounds awful, but I really think he just did it to try and get me back. I don’t think he had any intention of actually dying. I left for good and he never tried anything again. Tell her to get out of there! She needs to think of herself first.
Post # 16
First of all I want to commend you in seeking help for your friend! I was in an abusive relationship before, and chances are that she has only told you a very small portion of what has REALLY happened. The threats are a form of manipulation but she must be careful, way too many times these become murder suicides…sorry don’t mean to scare you or sound drastic, but it happens. A good support system is very important, and it looks as if at least she has you, and it’s very hard to get out of these relationships. Someoe needs to call the cops if he as much as makes verbal threats. She needs to just get out. Every state has an 800 number for services for domestic violence and they provide great advice as to how to to this safely. She can go to the police after the arguments and file a complaint, even if it happened even a few days before, it builds a file for her and will help her get an order of protection. She may need to stay somewhere else for a while, especially if she lives alone. You can dial 991 from your home, report the situation and give the address, they will go out to her.
My prayers go out to you and your friend. When I went thru this, lasted 7 yrs, only got worst, I felt very lonely, afraid to tell others. You also need to be careful, he may redirect his anger at you, blame you for her leaving….but dont turn your back on her. many of my friends stayed away when I finally reached out, they didnt want him angry at them, they feared him and although I understood how they felt, it tore me apart. Dont ever take rsks, air on the side of caution, maybe consult a DV counselor to ensure both your safeties. Good luck n God bless!!