(Closed) MOH in a wedding that probably won’t happen.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You need to get your friend out of that house.  If he becomes violent again, call the police on him and have him taken somewhere where they can assess if he really has suicidal tendencies or if he is just trying to control her.

Post # 4
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with MissAsB. Unfortunately though, you won’t be able to get her to leave him, unless she is willing. From what you have stated, she is already being abused. She needs to get out of there, irreguardless of what he says. He seems very controlling and is more than likely just saying that he will commit suicide to control her. She can leave and then call the police to have them check on him to make sure he is okay.

Post # 5
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

She needs to call his bluff on the suicide thing.  It’s just a control tactic.  Hopefully she can advise his family or other support system so they can be on suicide watch in case it is a real possibility, but she needs to go.  Many women have a natural inclination to want to “save” people, and guys like that prey on that.

Post # 6
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Based on what you’ve said (put downs, unspecified physical agression, threatening suicide, etc.) your friend is already being abused. The use of physical aggression in any way, shape or form in an argument (whether it leaves a mark or not) ought to be a deal breaker, IMHO. Do everything you can to help your friend out of this relationship. If he threatens suicide, by all means call the cops! Have him admitted for an emergency psych hold – suicide threats are definitely cause for one. If nothing else, he’ll end up getting a three day “vacation” and possibly some help with his issues.

Post # 9
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

She needs to leave the house but get to a place where she is surrounded by people. Leaving him to move into an apartment alone is a dangerous move. He sounds like a person who has the “if I can’t have you know one will” and he may try to hurt her. I’m not saying it will happen, but if/when she leaves she needs to be under constant care inc ase he shows up. 

Post # 10
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would go anyway.  It worries me that she will leave when ‘things get worse’.  There will always be an excuse and she will probably say it can always get worse.  But worse can equal dead in these situations.  You don’t want that to happen to your friend.

Post # 11
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Threatening to commit suicide is a controlling tactic on his part and is very telling about his state of mind. We all can agree she needs to get out of there, it’s getting her to see that and act on it that is important. It seems like she’s getting closer and closer to leaving so just be there for her in whatever way you can. When is the wedding, BTW?

Post # 12
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I totally agree with the rest of the bees. This guy is threatening to commit suicide so he can control her. This seems like it could turn into a scary situation. She definitly needs all the support she can get right now. If this guy does anything else she needs to call the police. Good luck to you and especially your friend!

Post # 13
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

She cant just stay with him just to prevent him from committing suicide thats why we have psych hospitals. She should leave him. today if possible. lol. seriously though, she shouldnt wait around for him to get one more opportunity to hurt her

Post # 14
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with pps that she needs to get out now. The threatening is his way of regaining control and power. This is going to sound awful, but he will probably start to feel as if he “owns” her after they get married and the abuse will just get worse. I’d just tell her that, you love her and want to see her in a happy & healthy relationship, but will not stand in a marriage for one that doesn’t seem to be able to live up to that standard. Remind her that you are in her life as a friend to support her and to encourage her to her best potential, personal, professional and relational!

Post # 15
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I was in the exact same situation, except that I was already married to the guy (BIG mistake, but after about a month and a half I realized I needed to get out). Anyway, he kept threatening and I just said, I can’t stay here to keep you alive. I need to keep myself alive. When I came to drop off the annulment papers, he had cuts around his neck…and said they were from trying to hang himself. It looked more like he’d cut himself with something to make it look like that. I know this sounds awful, but I really think he just did it to try and get me back. I don’t think he had any intention of actually dying. I left for good and he never tried anything again. Tell her to get out of there! She needs to think of herself first.

Post # 16
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

First of all I want to commend you in seeking help for your friend!  I was in an abusive relationship before, and chances are that she has only told you a very small portion of what has REALLY happened.  The threats are a form of manipulation but she must be careful, way too many times these become murder suicides…sorry don’t mean to scare you or sound drastic, but it happens.  A good support system is very important, and it looks as if at least she has you, and it’s very hard to get out of these relationships.  Someoe needs to call the cops if he as much as makes verbal threats.  She needs to just get out.  Every state has an 800 number for services for domestic violence and they provide great advice as to how to to this safely.  She can go to the police after the arguments and file a complaint, even if it happened even a few days before, it builds a file for her and will help her get an order of protection.  She may need to stay somewhere else for a while, especially if she lives alone.  You can dial 991 from your home, report the situation and give the address, they will go out to her.

My prayers go out to you and your friend.  When I went thru this, lasted 7 yrs, only got worst, I felt very lonely, afraid to tell others.  You also need to be careful, he may redirect his anger at you, blame you for her leaving….but dont turn your back on her.  many of my friends stayed away when I finally reached out, they didnt want him angry at them, they feared him and although I understood how they felt, it tore me apart.  Dont ever take rsks, air on the side of caution, maybe consult a DV counselor to ensure both your safeties.  Good luck n God bless!! 

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