So I have been BEST friends with this girl for over seven years. She is like a sister to me. I would do ANYTHING for her. My fiance and I payed for her ENTIRE baby shower and she even named us godparents to her son. Like I said I would do anything for this girl.
So naturally when you are nine months pregnant and due in about a week and a half you are bound to be tired and moody. Well, I am not sure if she is just moody or if there is an underlying problem.
A few months ago after I announced my engagement I naturally asked my childhood best friend to be my maid of honor and I also asked a friend from my trade school (yes I have two maids of honor). She immediately said yes but she was very nonchalent about the entire thing. She didn't even congratulate me. I just immediately assumed it was due to the fact that she is heavily pregnant and she doesn't get very much sleep and the father of the baby was giving her shit for dumb things. So I let several weeks pass by before talking to her about anything wedding related. I originally wanted to get married in Manhattan beach but it was WAY too expensive so my fiance and I decided to get married at the Mandalay Beach in Las Vegas. I called up my best friend to tell her the good news and she didn't answer. So I sent her a Facebook message and all she said was "oh that's cool." I'll admit that I was pretty hurt. Then about twenty minutes later she sends me this LONG message saying that she couldn't be my maid of honor because she just couldn't afford it witht the baby on the way and all of her other expenses that she took the liberty of listing (she got in a car accident so she has to pay back her parents $2300 in car repair, her insurance sky rocketed a couple hundred dollars, her mom had to get a hysterectomy so she was out of work, and her dad was laid off and his unemployment ran out and she had to help them come up with $2100 for their mortgage payment, plus gas, plus her medi-cal ran out and they said she owed them $600 and plus she has to pay the hospital for her labor costs, etc etc). She told me she didn't want to let me down especially after how much we have helped her with her pregnancy. (Buying the majority of the nursery, going to all her doctor appointment, paying for her baby shower, etc etc literally the list goes on and on). I was so bummed out. I'll admit I cried pretty hard because I was so devestated that my best friend couldn't be in my wedding. So my fiance offered to pay for everything, her dress, shoes, hotel and lodge. EVERYTHING.
Naturally I was estatic! So I messaged her back saying that she didn't have to worry about anything because we would pay for everything. She said "Oh okay but I can't be in your wedding still because of the baby." And I said well he can come to our wedding, he is our godson so of course we want him there. She responded with she didn't want her son in Vegas and neither did her parents (And let me just add that a few weeks before she was saying on Facebook that she wanted to go to Vegas for her birthday next April and have a "mommy and son trip"). She also went on to say that he would be so little and he would only be eight months old and she would have to breast feed every four hours for twenty minutes so she couldn't be in my wedding. I kind of just laughed and said that no one was going to stop her from feeding her son. She just said well I don't know where I will be in a year from now so it's hard to say.
So I talked to my fiance and we offered her to move it to our hometown to better accomodate her. I excidetly messaged her saying that if we moved our wedding to a local venue would that be easier to her and she said "oh yeah I would definitely be there but I still can't be your maid of honor." I was so confused. I asked her why can't she by my maid of honor when it wasn't in Vegas and she didn't have to pay for anything. She said "Because I can't commit to dancing at the reception and I would still have to pay for your bacherlorette party". I was so baffled because I never said anything about dancing and I specifically told my bridesmaids that I didn't care if I had a party or not. It's not important to me. Then she said "I am so sorry I don't want to let you down. I just don't know how the baby is going to act. I just don't want him crying at your wedding. I can't be your maid of honor but I will be in the front row and I will put a muzzle on my baby lol" At that point I was just so devestated that all I told her was "all kids cry Michelle. i will talk to you later."
Naturally, the next day she was talking to me about how her ex boyfriend was giving her all sorts of problems. It was if nothing had happened. I just couldn't stand it anymore so I told her that I was very upset with her because I have been there for her when no one else was. I never complained when we had to scrimp and save to buy her nursery stuff or pay for her baby shower. I didn't complain when seh called in the middle of the night crying multiple times. I never said one word when she had all of her mood swings. I am her best friend and I would do anything for her but it feels like she wasn't there for me anymore. I told her I didn't want to seem selfish but that for once I want it to be about me. I explained that I felt she was making excuses because we made it so she didn't have to pay a penny and she still couldn't take five hours out of her day to be there for us on our wedding day. She got SO mad at us and said that "we were punishing her for our decision to get married" and that "it's not like you have been planning this forever" and that "we were choosing to make it a big wedding and as our friend she knows our financial situation and that is unrealistic of us". She even went as far as to tell me what kind of future will you have with a man who doesn't bring in enough money and that I was rushing in to getting married because I wanted to move out of his family's house. She had no place to say any of those things and I made that clear to her.
She broke down and said that she really isn't loving life right now because she is 19, pregnant, jobless, didn't graduate high school, and the father is out of the picture. She said life always deals her and I bad cards. She was adopted and I was in foster care. Naturally that tells you neither of us had the "ideal" childhood but she has chosen to feel sorry for herself. My life has not been a walk in the damn park but I love life and I am grateful for everything and I choose to look at the positive in my life instead of the negative. God has blessed me with a loving fiance, my younger brother and sister who are my world, a high school diploma, and an education in cosmetology. He gave me the roof over my head, the food in my stomach, the air in my lungs. I can't complain about anything. She told me I was inconsiderate of her feelings and that I wouldn't understand because my life is "perfect" compared to hers. Honestly, how sorry can I feel for her now? I mean if she would have protected herself and went to school and didn't quit her job she wouldn't be in this situation. All of her actions have consequences right?
So a few weeks went by and she refused to talk to me. Now she is barely talking to me. She told me she still wants me in the delivery room with her and I thought we weremaking progress....until i asked her if her son could be our ring bearer and that we would pay for his outfit but she would have to carry him lol she responded with "we'll see. I can't really commit to anything right now." What the hell have I done?? Why is she not happy for me? Why is she not being there for us but has no problem with me being there for her? I don't get it. Am I being unresonable? I don't have any children but I feel like she is overreacting. Sorry for the REALLY long story. I just wanted to explain it properly so I could get an accurate answer.
It honestly really truly sounds to me like this girl is really sad about her situation in life right now. She may be feeling some resentment toward you. Maybe she saw you as someone who has had similar trials obstacles in life and now sees that you can afford to buy her all this stuff and pay for her nursery and her baby shower and on top of that, you can afford to pay for her to be in your wedding. You probably seem to have it all to her: more financial stability than she appears to have, a good man who wants to marry you - the perfect life - and she may be wondering how you and she started out so similarly, but you are making it and she feels she isn't. I'm sure it doesn't make anything better that she is pregnant, with an absent father, and not sure where she will even be in a year while you are ecstaticly happy and making plans for your future.
Obviously, none of this is your fault and I really think that the only thing you can do for her right now is make sure she knows that you will be there for her no matter what and you will not let her push you away as a friend.
19, pregnant, father out of the picture... I don't blame her for not wanting to be in your wedding and not wanting to commit! She must be overwhelmed by now. You're (apparently) not pregnant and you're getting married... I kind of agree with her, your life is going much better hers.
You say, "I mean if she would have protected herself and went to school and didn't quit her job she wouldn't be in this situation. All of her actions have consequences right? " Um, perhaps you haven't expressed yourself well, but you don't sound very symathetic! Getting pregnant can be a simple once-off mistake.
It sounds to me like she still wants to be your friend, but can't handle being MOH because the whole wedding thing reminds her of where she is. So, why not ask her if she'd rather just be a guest at your wedding if she can make it. Then drop the MOH talk, and be friends.
EDIT: I see she's actually said "I can't be your maid of honor but I will be in the front row and I will put a muzzle on my baby lol" - so let her.
@paula1248: +1. I know it's not what you want but she's actually being considerate in being upfront with you. You can't force her to be your MOH
@paula1248: I agree
She said she will be a guest at your wedding. At least she told you right away that she did not want to be MOH, plus you have a second one. I see no problem here.
@peasantsong thank you for answering my post. I can see what you mean. Yeah, I understand her life isn't what she envisioned for herself but like you said that isn't my fault. I think I am just worried because if we offered to pay for everything and she still didn't want to commit, I was afraid of what she really thought of me. I guess my initial reaction was that I didn't really mean a lot to her but from your perspective I can understand what you mean. Not to mention, she has always been jealous of anyone in my life who isn't HER.
@Paula1248 I am sympethetic otherwise I wouldn't do any of the things I do for her! I think you obviously misunderstood the whole point of my post!
@babecake yeah I know she is. I am not trying to force her, I am trying to understand her.
I don't mean this to sound harsh, like it sounds like this girl really does not want to be in your wedding party. At this point, it might be best to just let it go. I definitely wouldn't make any decisions based on having her in attendance. Have your wedding where you and your fiancé want to have it, not where it's easiest for her.
Honestly, you might want to take a small step back from this friendship. It sounds like you've been overly generous with her for very little in return. I'm sure she is exhausted and preoccupied, and I think it's reasonable for her to say she doesn't know how much she will be able to participate in your wedding with a baby and all of the related stresses. But it also sounds like you may be a lot more invested (emotionally and financially) in this friendship than she is.
Take a little step back, give her some time to adjust to motherhood and take some time to think about your own boundaries. I know I spent a long time, in my younger years, being overly generous with my friends. I always wound up feeling like they just walked all over me, then weren't there when I needed them. Once I started establishing stronger boundaries - like, no you can't call me crying at 3 am every day for a week, or, no I'm not going to give you $500 for your car repairs - I found that my relationships became much more enjoyable. It's something to think about, for real.
@mishagirls79 then you don't understand my question at all.
@KatieBklyn Thank you for your input. I agree with you. It's hard for me because it is not in my nature to NOT help other people out. I can see your point though and I can try to take a step back. I kind of have already but that is because my fiance handles most of our finances and he told me he thinks that she is unappreicative and that she is treating me like a doormat. I hope he isn't right :(
@babygirl92: I'm not saying you're unsympathetic, but anyone who writes the sentence I quoted is at the very least getting frustrated, when this poor girl is in a very very hard place and needs a lot of sympathy. I've been heavily pregnant so I can relate to the moods, but I haven't been single and pregnant and have trouble imagining it. I think you need to honour her request not to be MOH.
@KatieBklyn I just wanted to add the 80% of our bridal party and about 75% of the people that will be attending our wedding have babies or young children. I understand it is difficult when children are involved but I am so upset because no one else gave me any problems because they have babies or young children. Maybe you are right though about me being more invested :(
@paula1248 of course I am frustrated, who wouldn't be? I am only human. I can only do so much before it starts to affect me. I am honoring her request THIS WHOLE POST was simply asking what have I done wrong? And if I was missing something? Like I said you don't get it.
@babygirl92: I think the only thing you have done wrong is keep on asking her to be involved in your wedding when she doesn't want to.
Her life is chaos at the moment. 19, pregnant, single. Happy weddings are the last thing on her mind. She doesn't want to be there for you because at the moment she is she is overwhelmed and she has nothing to give.
She says she is more than happy to attend your wedding, she just doesn't want to be MOH or her son is ring bearer.
@Paula1248 you are entitled to that opinion but I disagree that I have done anything wrong. I felt I was simply being generous.
Something similar happened to me with my MOH who eventually backed out of my wedding after we offered to pay for everything. I want you to know that you aren't doing anything wrong. It sounds like you have been completely reasonable and supportive. I'm sorry that this happened to you.
I think the other commenters are right that your friend is stressed and overwhelmed with being pregnant and single. However, I don't think that's a good reason to turn down the MOH responsibilities for your best friend. It seems selfish to me. You haven't asked for almost anything other than to have her stand up with you at the wedding. You've actually been too nice! She's taking advantage of the friendship because she knows that you're always there for her.
You should clearly drop the issue of being the MOH because she isn't interested. The only decision now is how much do you care about this relationship. Do you think this is a temporary selfishness because of her difficult situation, or is she always like this? If she is always like this, then I would reevaluate how close you want to be to her. But, if you think she's just in a tough spot with the pregnancy and she is normally a giving person, then it might be worth hanging on until things improve.
@star fish thank you for your input. I am really bummed out because I don't know if she feels the same way about our friendship as I do. She has always been a really good friend but the fact of the matter is she is a very selfish person. I have known more than half of my life and this is very characteristic of her. I just never imagined she would go this far. I dropped the whole MOH issue with her a few weeks ago and just asked her if her son could be the ring bearer but if not I...I don't know. I think I am just going to wait and see if she is still like this after she adjusts to motherhood.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, reading this I kept thinking to myself how hard this must be for the both of you. On one hand you are a blissful newly engaged woman onto new, better prospects of life and want others to share in your glow! On the other hand your friend is like what @paula1248: said - 19, pregnant, and single. Ouch that is not easy and then to see someone come from basically the same background living the life I am sure she wants is hurtful, it is natural for her to have some resentment and envy towards you even though it is not an attractive quality we like to openly acknowledge.
She should be able to get over her personal problems and be there for you, want to be your M.O.H since you are paying everything for her to be in your wedding, she should have the desire to revel in your wedding bliss with you and be a good friend but at 19, pregnant and dealing with her own life drama I do not think she has that maturity in her yet. I am not saying this to be harsh to this girl - I don't even know her, but understanding what you're saying about her it seems like she isn't in the mindset to truly be there for you as a friend or as M.O.H as heart breaking as that sounds, but that is where she seems to be in her life right now.
I get why you're upset, you're bending over backwards for this girl who you've grown up with and she won't take that leap with you into this new life you're about to begin. I bet you're feeling kind of alone now? That hurts. No one wants a close friend like that to not be there when they need it, a lot of thoughts race through your mind, emotions bubble up. You want her to grow up and choke down her insecurities and be with you like a true friend would do, but I don't think you're going to get that out of her this time around. I am sure she is dealing with trying to get to know herself, learning how to deal with being a mother soon and so much more that yeah she is coming off self absorbed, but that is the hand she is dealt with and in turn that is what you're being dealt with to.
Personally, I think you need to be the bigger-er person and accept her for the state she is in right now, bite your tongue and tell her it is fine that she doesn't want to be your M.O.H and you'll love to see her at the ceremony at the very least if she could commit that to you. I know that is hard, but if you want to keep this friendship with her you're going to have to give more then she does right now, if you think you can do that, if you're comfortable doing that then you can still salvage this friendship.
I am sorry you're going through this, my heart really goes out to you both.
@JoJoDahling Thank you for answering my post. You made me cry. I don't want to loose her as a friend. That is one of the reasons I posted this because I was afraid that maybe I was being selfish for being upset. She is a good person but like every other human has her flaws. This just happens to be one of them. When I think of all the laughter, the good times, the tears, the pain we have suffered through together it makes me cry because she is my sister in my heart and I am devestated because I do feel alone. My best friend isn't there for me anymore. Not just for wedding things but personal issues as well. I recently lost a best friend that I have known longer than her. He had a terrible accident, he fell off a four story parking structure and snapped his neck. I think after losing him it made me closer to Michelle because it terrifies me when I wonder if when I say bye if I will never see her again. It made me want to cherish every moment with her and everyone around me. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle because my father passed three years ago. So yes, I do feel alone. Everyone that has meant the world to me will not be involved in my wedding party and it hurts me so much. No she is not as mature as I would like her to be...I am actually only four months older. I am only 19 as well.
Yeah, you're going through a difficult yet oddly wonderful time in your life. I am sorry for your friend who died, and also your father. My fiance's mother died before Thanksgiving last year and to be getting married next year....he is going through his own emotions about getting married without his mom there.
If you two can move past this I am sure you'll only grow stronger in your friendship with one another.
@JoJoDahling Story of my life! haha. Thank you :/ I miss them both a lot. It's really hard. I am going to have them honored at our wedding by having a empty chair with a single red rose for my father (because they were his favorite), a single yellow rose for my best friend (for friendship). I am sorry to hear about your fiance's mother. My heart goes out to you both :/ How is he handeling the mother and son dance situation? I am having my youngest brother walk me down the aisle (that is a whole different sticky situation because I have two brothers. The older one I am not that close to and he didn't grow up with us. We also don't see eye to eye lol I have asked him to be a groomsmen and for the younger one to walk me down the aisle. But I am splitting the brother-sister dance in half. The first part for the oldest and the second half for the youngest.)
@babygirl92: FI is doing well on the outside but I think he feels conflicted internally. The mom that died is his adopted mother, he grew up with her since he was 6 months old, but 4 years ago I got him to reconnect with his biological mother so he'll be doing his mother/son dance with her, but I think in his heart he wished it was his adopted mother. I think he feels like he is cheating on his adopted mom with his biological mom even though he is happy to have his biological mom in his life and to share our wedding with her and dance with her at the reception I think there is just a lot of conflicting emotions with this situation.
We'll be honoring his mother with an empty seat and her picture with a lit candle.
Since I do not know my father I'll be walking down the isle with my mom, and dancing with her at the reception, I can kind of understand what you're going through with your situation. Family and it's politics can be complicated and a gray area! I think you're doing the best you can though, you have the perfect idea for the brother/sister dance.
It's obvious you two are like sisters. It seems she is feeling jealous of all the good things coming your way when she is in a much different situation. Unfortunately, she is making the choice to feel sorry for herself instead of feeling overjoyed with happiness for you.
I can see how much you care about her and want her to be in your wedding but she doesn't want to be and you have to respect that. I think she loves you just as much as you love her. I haven't been single and pregnant but I've been very, very poor before. I have a very generous friend who wanted very much to give me enough money to help me through the worst of my struggles but I wouldn't take the money. The idea of accepting financial help from my friend just didn't sit well with me. It could be resentment on her end, it could be a pride thing. It could be that she already feels that you have done so much for her that she cannot accept any more help. As far as sitting in the front row instead of being a MOH, she is a young mom to be who has no idea what life will be like in a year's time. She doesn't know whether or not she'll have someone to hold her child while she's with you or even what motherhood will be like. I think you've done so much for her but all you can do now is accept that she'll be there in whatever way she can.
@Jellybones: Agreed. As disappointing as this is, the upside is she is being honest with you and telling you upfront that she can't committ and prefers to attend as guest. She has alot of uncertainity right now and even if you don't understand why thats keeping her from accepting a role as MOH you should respect it.
@JoJoDahling: Aww. I am so sorry to hear that. I can relate to that though. My adopted mother is walking me down the aisle with my youngest brother and my biological mom will still be there. I am just going to have the "moms" light the family unity candle together. It definitely is tough when it comes to family politics but even though it's my day I want everyone to be happy and feel included. Best of luck to you and your fiance and congrats on your engagement <3
As you may have heard, the hormones for most pregnant women can be over-the-top. The current negative energy that surrounds her life is probably causing her to feel overwhelmed about anything and everything. I think that in her heart she is truly happy for you, but can't avoid feeling the sadness about her situation. My suggestion would be to just let her be -- I don't see anything in your post that says you did anything wrong. I just think her hormone is on overdrive and when all this is over, you will have your old friend back. Good luck and congratulations!
@missy92264: Yeah I agree. Thank you for your advice.
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