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I think that you need to talk to your friend. Trying to guess how she is feeling about the wedding and about you is really upsetting you. I think you should ask how she is feeling about the wedding. Ask about her life too...is there more going on that you don't know?
Luckily, you have some time before the big day, so you have time to work things out. Be the good friend that you would want to have and talk to her from the heart. And be mindful that it might be more than one conversation. Only after knowing that you did everything you could and were a true friend will you feel more at peace.
One last thing to consider, if you cut things off for the wedding...you might be cutting your friendship too. Since it seems you two are growing apart, it could be the final tear.
Good luck.
That's a tough one. So hard to call out bad behaviour in someone when you know they're having a hard time! It sounds like a lot of your friend's behaviour is plain selfish, to be honest.
I don't know how you can ensure she behaves for your bach/shower/wedding/ all events... Have you a mutual friend that knows what she's like? Someone you could discreetly trust to supervise her, and rein her in if things get out of hand? I think you'll need that, to be honest, specially when you said you can't make a fuss of things with her directly as it leads to her causing a scene.
Is she having any kind of treatment? It does sound like she needs it! Is there any way to bring that up without her going off the deep end at you?
Hugs, this sounds like a v difficult situation, best of luck!
Time for a heart-to-heart me thinks. If she flips out then you may have to just leave her to ponder on what you have said and ask her to think and come back to you.
If she is your BFF and she loves you then she'll take the time to think about it and try harder. I know I would.
Thanks, bees! I think it helped just to type that all out - yikes. Couldn't sleep til I wrote it down, I guess. Just so you know, she IS getting therapy but it's free/low-cost, and although it helps, I think she needs more than she can afford right now. Her issues ARE very deep. I try to be supportive and to listen on the phone, to offer advice or even just to say, "Yeah, that sucks," but it's getting emotionally draining to hear her ignore everyone's advice and make the same mistakes over and over... She is just hurting herself and it's heartbreaking.
I do think you're right - a heart to heart is necessary. I think maybe we're both pretending to be closer than we really are. But I hate to think that I'll lose her over this! I kind of want to just keep my mouth shut until after the wedding, in the hopes that the therapy - and her new job/sense of purpose - will start to make a positive impression... But is that really healthy/honest/etc.?
This isn't necessarily a response in regards to the wedding challenges, more your friend and her involvement in therapy, and realistic expectations...
Often when people go to therapy and deal with demons of their past, they end up getting worse before they get better. And, the "worse" can last for awhile, depending on how deep the issues are, and how good the therapist is. (Not to say that free/low cost therapists arent good, though commonly they're interns, so they may have less experience, especially with particuarly challenging clients). All of that being said, I don't want you to set yourself up for expectations that may not come to be--for example her suddenly being better because she has a job/is seeing a therapist/etc. And, in regards to giving her support, only give of yourself what you feel like you can. It can be SUPER draining to deal with people repeating the same challenges and not taking action like you said...so I'd say give what you feel you can, and be aware of your own feelings and boundaries. You have enough things to handle, and it's really easy to burn out if you extend yourself too much.
And, I do agree that an open and direct conversation with her is a good idea. It sounds like you two HAVE been through a lot together, which leads me to think/hope she'd be open to a conversation (ideally one focused on feelings rather than specific events--I feel sad because I feel like blah blah, versus you're being hard to deal with, etc.) And, it'll be good as much as possible to find out if she can provide you with the support you need. Don't worry about who will be your MOH...focus on one step at a time. Cross that bridge when you come to it. :-)
I hope that you're able to find some resolution to this situation...dealing with close people can definitely be challenging. And I wish you luc in your conversations with her. :-)
@judithsr: Yes! You're right, it's not really about the wedding stuff - it's about the difficult work of therapy and how to support her as a friend (and whether/how I should expect things from her as I would other adults). I think her therapist IS fairly good, but my MOH can't go as often as she needs to, and the therapist IS inexperienced. There are issues of abuse, etc., that I think she might never get over...
Thanks for the reminder that this is hard work for her, and that I can only give so much back!... :)
To echo Judithsr, your friend's behavior is not normal and strikes me of someone who is having a hard time in general. I'm not a psychologist, but depression runs in my family and this sort of thing sounds like it *could* be depression (not cleaning up after yourself, getting drunk, not taking responsibility for things, perhaps being broke (even though she has a job--maybe that's why you paid for everything). Fixating on one's appearance (the make-up, the weight etc.) can also be a symptom of this. That's not to excuse the behavior, though.
Perhaps the question that you should ask yourself--and maybe her--is if she is mentally ready to handle being MOH. You can explain that she's your first choice, but you're worried about the all the pressure it demands. I mean, I struggled with really bad body image for years and the idea of getting measured, choosing a dress, and having myself memorialized in pictures was terrifying for me. And that's the least of it when it comes to being MOH. Maybe a gentle talk is worth it--although DO NOT explain your reasons why you don't want her as a bridesmaid in terms of "well, you did this this and this in the past"; I'd put it the framework of saying "You mean the world to me. I'm seeing you work through a lot of tough things and I admire you for it and I want you to keep working on yourself. Is this really something that's going to be good for me AND you?" MOH is an honor, but it can also be just a title.
You might also be able to come up with something together as a way of having her be part of your ceremony without being dependent on her. So maybe allow her to get ready with you and your other BMs even if she's not in the bridal party or give her a reading, let her make a toast, or whatever else you and she might come up with--if she wants to be involved.
I dont think there is anything wrong with bumping up a BM, you obviously still chose all the BMs because u want them to be a part of your wedding.. i wouldnt be offended if someone bumped me up from BM to MOH because stuff happened and the MOH couldnt and wasnt allowed to continue her role. I know this lady is your friend but from everything you've said so far I dont think she is the right person to be your MOH. You need someone who will be involved and share ur excitement and actually put you first. Weddings can be stressful, you dont need any more stress from your own wedding party
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When I first got engaged about 7 months ago, I wasn't totally sure yet about all the girls who would be in my bridal party. But I called my BFF immediately after and asked her to be my MOH. It wasn't even a question. My FI and I had been thinking for years that we would get married, and she was the only person I always knew I had to have in my party. We've been friends through both good and rough times, and I always have such a blast with her. I've known her for 10 years and she's just... you know, my best friend. Plus, she's hilarious and I knew she'd give a knock-out wedding speech.
BUT the first thing that came out of my MOH's mouth was "Are you sure you want to do this?" She was completely down about the whole thing - the concept of marriage, my relationship - everything, then talked about how she was too fat to be a bridesmaid and would have to lose a ton of weight. (Whatever! She's super cute! Curvy, but hey, Joan from Mad Men is the hottest lady in the world right now for a reason, right?)
She later apologized and tried to be excited. She explained that she was going through a lot of shit in her relationship and life, and was happy for me, but wasn't a "wedding person." I tried to give her an "out" - to be a bridesmaid only or just a guest if she wanted to feel less pressured to spend $$ on a dress, etc. - because I could tell that she wasn't into it and it suddenly didn't seem like she'd have fun with this at all (which is SO not my experience with her until lately!). But she said she was honored to be asked, and would try to "buck up."
Anyway, she recently broke up with her long-term boyfriend, moved back in with her parents (she's been unemployed for over a year), and has been dealing with a lot of really scary demons from her youth for the first time with her therapist.
I moved away to be with my FI, who's in grad school in NYC, but came back to town for a friend's wedding. My FI couldn't be my plus one because he's busy with school, so I asked the bride if it would be okay to take my MOH as my guest (also offering to go by myself). Got the okay, and my MOH and I went. She ended up having TONS of fun but hardly talked to me all night, and... okay. Here's the hard part. She drank a bit too much (she NEVER drinks) red wine. And went on the dance floor. With a glass of red wine. And she SPILLED IT all over the bride's wedding dress! Never offered to pay to have it cleaned, or anything. And I don't mean to infantilize her, but I don't even think she understands that a red wine stain is practically impossible to fix, because she doesn't ever drink. Who does that, starts doing the twist with red wine in their hands next to the bride? I actually offered to pay for the dry cleaning bill myself because I knew my MOH would never do it, but the bride refused to accept $$ from me, or my MOH, either... Very kind. She has to have the dress dyed black, or just accept that the bottom half is purple!
So this past week my MOH just came to visit me in NYC and was so inconsiderate the entire time! I was initially so excited for her visit but I think it's because I'm remembering the fun we had together from before she got so depressed. She's so different now...
A couple of examples. I live in NYC and my neighbors directly across the hall have cockroaches and I've been paranoid about getting them. I told her that I take trash out at night, wash dishes right away, don't leave food or water out, etc. She bought a big cookie and left it out for two days and got frosting all over the floor. She spilled Coke all over the carpet and didn't clean it up or tell me about - I just discovered it later. She left lemon soda out all night. She ate Chinese food and got crumbs/sauce all over the carpet.
I know, I'm being OCD, but she used to live with cockroaches and I'd think she'd be more careful. Also, on two separate occasions, she said she would be "five minutes" in the bathroom and on both occasions she spent 45 minutes in there, causing both me and my FI to be late for important events that she knew about.
Also, the entire trip, she demanded that we come back to our apartment before going "out for the night" so she could "touch up her make-up." We live in a part of Manhattan that's very inaccessible, and it takes at least 40 minutes to get anywhere. We once left downtown to go up to my apartment, and then go BACK downtown. Between the two trips, she "touched up her make-up" for an hour! So we were then LATE for dinner with her friends, and late for the concert that was her entire reason for coming to visit. She begged me to get tickets to see a live taping of her favorite show. I couldn't find any and she got super bummed out. Then at the last minute, I lucked into some, and we had to wait in line because they overbook for seats. It was indeed kind of a long wait but she complained the WHOLE TIME. She was like, "I guess this is the ONLY thing I'm doing today... My feet hurt... My stomach hurts... Let's just leave..." Then I'd offer to have us leave and she was like, "Well, it IS my only chance to ever do this. Let's stay..." No way to win! Also, she left late for her flight and ended up STAYING WITH US another night.
Also, she was indeed unemployed for a very long time. BUT now she has a job and I'm unemployed (since we just moved here). Yet she ended up making me and my FI pay for her subway fare and cab rides, and ended up buying lots of clothes on the trip, and going out to expensive dinners, even though she still owes me money (she recently bought my car).
I also feel like she won't be "into" doing a bridal shower or a bachelorette party... And that she'll do something like reveal something embarrassing in her speech, or do something to my dress, because she wasn't thinking or didn't know...
Anyway, I don't want to kick her out or anything. It'd be rude, and who would want to be the bridesmaid "bumped up" to MOH status? "Hey, I didn't think enough of you to ask the first time, but mind being my MOH and taking on more responsibility?" It's just that I feel down about it. I am an only child and I lost my mom 10 years ago so my MOH was really the only "woman" in my life that I have that "family" feeling with.... But now, I feel like we don't share a lot of the same interests anymore, and I am disappointed in her complete lack of courtesy and consideration lately. What has happened to my best friend and how do I start to feel better about her being my MOH?! Is it just bad timing to try make my depressed friend share the happiest time of my life with me?