- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
When I first got engaged about 7 months ago, I wasn’t totally sure yet about all the girls who would be in my bridal party. But I called my BFF immediately after and asked her to be my MOH. It wasn’t even a question. My FI and I had been thinking for years that we would get married, and she was the only person I always knew I had to have in my party. We’ve been friends through both good and rough times, and I always have such a blast with her. I’ve known her for 10 years and she’s just… you know, my best friend. Plus, she’s hilarious and I knew she’d give a knock-out wedding speech.
BUT the first thing that came out of my MOH’s mouth was “Are you sure you want to do this?” She was completely down about the whole thing – the concept of marriage, my relationship – everything, then talked about how she was too fat to be a bridesmaid and would have to lose a ton of weight. (Whatever! She’s super cute! Curvy, but hey, Joan from Mad Men is the hottest lady in the world right now for a reason, right?)
She later apologized and tried to be excited. She explained that she was going through a lot of shit in her relationship and life, and was happy for me, but wasn’t a “wedding person.” I tried to give her an “out” – to be a bridesmaid only or just a guest if she wanted to feel less pressured to spend $$ on a dress, etc. – because I could tell that she wasn’t into it and it suddenly didn’t seem like she’d have fun with this at all (which is SO not my experience with her until lately!). But she said she was honored to be asked, and would try to “buck up.”
Anyway, she recently broke up with her long-term boyfriend, moved back in with her parents (she’s been unemployed for over a year), and has been dealing with a lot of really scary demons from her youth for the first time with her therapist.
I moved away to be with my FI, who’s in grad school in NYC, but came back to town for a friend’s wedding. My FI couldn’t be my plus one because he’s busy with school, so I asked the bride if it would be okay to take my MOH as my guest (also offering to go by myself). Got the okay, and my MOH and I went. She ended up having TONS of fun but hardly talked to me all night, and… okay. Here’s the hard part. She drank a bit too much (she NEVER drinks) red wine. And went on the dance floor. With a glass of red wine. And she SPILLED IT all over the bride’s wedding dress! Never offered to pay to have it cleaned, or anything. And I don’t mean to infantilize her, but I don’t even think she understands that a red wine stain is practically impossible to fix, because she doesn’t ever drink. Who does that, starts doing the twist with red wine in their hands next to the bride? I actually offered to pay for the dry cleaning bill myself because I knew my MOH would never do it, but the bride refused to accept $$ from me, or my MOH, either… Very kind. She has to have the dress dyed black, or just accept that the bottom half is purple!
So this past week my MOH just came to visit me in NYC and was so inconsiderate the entire time! I was initially so excited for her visit but I think it’s because I’m remembering the fun we had together from before she got so depressed. She’s so different now…
A couple of examples. I live in NYC and my neighbors directly across the hall have cockroaches and I’ve been paranoid about getting them. I told her that I take trash out at night, wash dishes right away, don’t leave food or water out, etc. She bought a big cookie and left it out for two days and got frosting all over the floor. She spilled Coke all over the carpet and didn’t clean it up or tell me about – I just discovered it later. She left lemon soda out all night. She ate Chinese food and got crumbs/sauce all over the carpet.
I know, I’m being OCD, but she used to live with cockroaches and I’d think she’d be more careful. Also, on two separate occasions, she said she would be “five minutes” in the bathroom and on both occasions she spent 45 minutes in there, causing both me and my FI to be late for important events that she knew about.
Also, the entire trip, she demanded that we come back to our apartment before going “out for the night” so she could “touch up her make-up.” We live in a part of Manhattan that’s very inaccessible, and it takes at least 40 minutes to get anywhere. We once left downtown to go up to my apartment, and then go BACK downtown. Between the two trips, she “touched up her make-up” for an hour! So we were then LATE for dinner with her friends, and late for the concert that was her entire reason for coming to visit. She begged me to get tickets to see a live taping of her favorite show. I couldn’t find any and she got super bummed out. Then at the last minute, I lucked into some, and we had to wait in line because they overbook for seats. It was indeed kind of a long wait but she complained the WHOLE TIME. She was like, “I guess this is the ONLY thing I’m doing today… My feet hurt… My stomach hurts… Let’s just leave…” Then I’d offer to have us leave and she was like, “Well, it IS my only chance to ever do this. Let’s stay…” No way to win! Also, she left late for her flight and ended up STAYING WITH US another night.
Also, she was indeed unemployed for a very long time. BUT now she has a job and I’m unemployed (since we just moved here). Yet she ended up making me and my FI pay for her subway fare and cab rides, and ended up buying lots of clothes on the trip, and going out to expensive dinners, even though she still owes me money (she recently bought my car).
I also feel like she won’t be “into” doing a bridal shower or a bachelorette party… And that she’ll do something like reveal something embarrassing in her speech, or do something to my dress, because she wasn’t thinking or didn’t know…
Anyway, I don’t want to kick her out or anything. It’d be rude, and who would want to be the bridesmaid “bumped up” to MOH status? “Hey, I didn’t think enough of you to ask the first time, but mind being my MOH and taking on more responsibility?” It’s just that I feel down about it. I am an only child and I lost my mom 10 years ago so my MOH was really the only “woman” in my life that I have that “family” feeling with…. But now, I feel like we don’t share a lot of the same interests anymore, and I am disappointed in her complete lack of courtesy and consideration lately. What has happened to my best friend and how do I start to feel better about her being my MOH?! Is it just bad timing to try make my depressed friend share the happiest time of my life with me?