Post # 1
I am my sister’s MOH. She lives in a different state than where she is having her wedding. None of her family or friends live near her, so she understands she will be doing a lot of traveling for her wedding planning. I live across the country from where she is having her wedding, one of her other BM also lives out of state, 2 of them live in a different city. Only 2 actually live in the city she is getting married in. Her guests are spread out between states too. This is causing a problem for me planning her bridal shower. She wants to have it the Friday before her wedding (she is getting married on a Sunday)… so 2 days before her wedding. I feel like this is a REALLY BAD IDEA. My reasons for this are 1) I think it is tacky to throw an event where guests customarily give a gift to a person and then 2 days later customarily give another gift to the same couple… makes it seem gift-grabby to me and I don’t feel comfortable hosting that. 2) Most of the BM who are throwing it are traveling from out of town so we will have a lot of expenses that weekend with hotel, travel, meals, and then the usual BM expenses: hair, makeup, nails (optional aside from hair per bride), plus miscellaneous expenses that you occur when you travel, so I feel like this would be an extra burden on us financially to have it this weekend instead of another weekend when we could spread out expenses. 3) It would be on a weekday so local guests would have to take a day off work if they wanted to attend and us out of towners would have to take off an extra day to account for travel 4) She is doing a lot of DIY stuff (bouquets, programs, centerpieces) that we will be helping her with before and that will take time and I just don’t think she realizes that one day (Saturday) will not be enough time to do all of those things, especially since we have the rehearsal Saturday, and we’ll need Friday as well, and having the shower on Friday will severely cut into that time.
Am I overthinking this and should I just do it and push my own feelings aside? If you were invited to this bridal shower 2 days before the wedding how you would feel as a guest? Thank you!
Post # 2
A wedding shower two days before a wedding wouldn’t seem right to me either, unless you absolutely weren’t expecting gifts (or if you were, aren’t expecting them at the wedding). I likely wouldn’t do two gifts in the same week for the same couple. I also wouldn’t attend a bridal shower on a weekday – it’s just not worth it to take a day off for a shower.
Post # 3
is she dead set on having a bridal shower? I was MOH in a wedding a couple of years ago, the bride and groom lived in a different state than the wedding would be in, all of her bridal party lived either in the city the wedding would be in or other states, and all of their family lived in other states. So the bride for-go a bridal shower, we threw her a big bachelorette party, and they recieved all of their gifts at the wedding. It worked out really well. It would have been a heck of a headache to have planned it considering so many of the wedding guests lived out of state/across the country. Maybe ask your sister if a Bridal shower is a must?
Post # 4
amb06h: I wouldn’t think too much into it (about gifts and what not) but I know I probably wouldn’t take an additional day off.
A friend of DH and I got married on a Saturday, but had a “tea party” bridal shower Thursday evening. They did this because most of her family and friends were from OOT and were already there. I don’t live far, but I wasn’t about to take Thursday off to get down there for it plus Friday. It was an inconvenient day for me, but it was really the only time it worked for the bride.
I think, in your case, there may be a weak turnout at the bridal shower if it is held months before versus 2 days before. It seems more convenient to have it that soon before the wedding. The people that are already there can come versus trying to pay for another flight/car trip/etc to get there and then come back for the wedding later on.
Post # 5
MOHlookingForIdeas: Thank you. I’m glad that I’m not alone in my thinking! Obviously I know bridal showers are not “required” anyway, but I don’t want her to feel like she’s missing out on anything.
Post # 6
theEguarantee: That’s a good point, I will ask. Mostly our older family members (aunts, grandparents) have been asking about it so I’ve been trying to appease them by planning one but I didn’t think to ask her if she wanted one or cared either way. (Personally I hate showers of any kind and didn’t have one myself so it’s definitely not a foreign concept to me to forego it!). After your suggestion I did ask her if she wanted one and it turns out she doesn’t really care about having one, she just wants to be able to spend time with our family, so I think we are just going to have a Friday early evening reception in her honor for the ladies. Not call it a shower but just a get together so she can spend actual time with the family since we all know you don’t actually get to spend time with your guests at the wedding!
Post # 7
megz06: I do see your point about the out of towners not coming down for an additional weekend but like you said you wouldn’t take the day off to attend a weekday shower, and knowing our family and her friends I can’t imagine many of hers would either so I don’t think it would affect attendance either way… either the out of town guests will be there or the local guests will be there. And if it is on a different weekend some of the out of town guests live within driving distance so I can see them driving for it for the weekend… but not taking off work Friday to attend the shower and then stay in town for 2 extra days for a wedding that is on Sunday, when they would not have to take any time off to attend it if were on a different weekend.
But I did like the “tea party” shower idea that your friend had and what she and I talked about is not calling it a shower and instead just having an evening tea party/reception with our older relatives so she can spend time with them that Friday since she won’t really get to any other time that weekend.
Post # 8
amb06h: I completely agree with you. Most of the time, you can say your piece but it’s the bride’s decision, but in this case with the shower you are offering to throw the shower so it’s really YOUR decision (although it could create drama and it would probably help if the bride is available on the date you choose)
I am in a similar situation as a bride and we contemplated having the shower the Saturday before the Sunday wedding (my aunt who is hosting had this idea). We decided against it for all of the reasons you mentioned.
I think the bride is just trying to be able to have everyone she wants there, because she loves them and it’s a special event. The reality is that not everyone can come to every shower. I, in a very similar situation, had to come to the realization about this. I am bummed because one of my BMs can’t come (travel is expensive!) and a lot of relatives can’t come either, but I’ve gotten around it now and I am just super excited for the people who are going to be there.
The bonus is that I can use that weekend to work on more of the wedding plans with my family, which would work out for your bride too if she flew in for the weekend.
Post # 9
amb06h: I’m concerned about how she would get all those shower gifts home? I went to a baby shower, for a mother to be who lived 14 hours away; she flew in and back for the shower and her husband had to drive, to haul back all the gifts. Her Dad drove a load of gifts out, too. Now how much did the time off work, gas, and tolls cost them? Didn’t make sense that almost all t e woman invited wanted to show-off the gifts the bought, at the shower. I had mine sent directly to her home, from her online registry.
Post # 10
I was MOH for a friend last summer who was in a similar situation. She was a plane ride away, as were most of the BM’s and a lot of guests.
She didn’t want a shower, she said opening gifts made her uncomfortable and she didn’t know how she would get anything back to the other side of the country anyway.
We ended up doing a Bachelorette a week before the wedding. Not everyone could come (out of towners) but that really couldn’t be avoided. Doing something on the Friday before would still work though, as long as it was at night time… sort of along the lines of a Bachelorette instead. That way nobody would have to take off from work and since it is a Bachelorette… a lot of older relatives who are coming in from out of town probably won’t feel like they HAVE to go.
We didn’t do traditional gifts, but lingerie instead. Small silly stuff. I don’t think anyone thought they were being forced to buy two traditional gifts for the same couple, when this one was mustly just fun. Also, they made for light packing.