(Closed) MOH not attending B’ette Party!! (LONG)

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would say that you are entitled to feel a little miffed that she won’t be there, especially since she gave you the impression that she would be, and then throws all these other complicating factors out there at the last minute.

HOWEVER, I would say that you may be better off without her there. *shrugs* This way, your maid can get the chance to plan something for your wedding (if she’s willing to plan the bachelorette party in so short a time) and you can invite your other friend that you couldn’t to the shower (an possibly explain what happened with the shower, because I’m guessing she might have been a little hurt).

And you’re right — it’s your wedding and you should be able to choose the guest list for your own shower, BUT, then again, money talks and not only was your matron paying for the shower, but was also hosting it in her home. So I can kind of understand her perspective about why your friend shouldn’t be there, but I still think it was an abuse of her power. 

Post # 4
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

A big ((hug)) to you.  I know just how you feel.  And you have every right to be upset…you are, nothing you can do about it.  But I also think that applies to this situation.  As I just learned, can’t make people be who they are not.  And sounds like she’s kind of selfish…wants it to be about what she needs/wants.  Not you. 

I don’t really have good advice.  I ended up just telling my MOH how I feel, and being slightly disappointed at her reaction.  It does feel good to have it off my chest…so maybe by telling her it would help you let it go some more?  In the end, your planning is going smoothly, and your big day will be wonderful.  I think you do get to decide how much you want her to be involved up until then.

For the b’ette, do you have other friends you can invite who aren’t in your BP.  To be honest, I really wish I had asked to invite more people.  I know it’s kind of late, but maybe you can have dinner with just your maid and then meet up with a bunch of ladies for drinks afterward?  If not, sounds like your other Maid is great…so take the opportunity to celebrate with her.  Maybe different from what you expected, but might still be pretty fun!  She’s flying out for *you* b/c she cares about *you*.  What I’m finding is taht while the people I thought I could count on have not been there much, I’ve been really surprised by the love and support I’ve gotten from others.  Focus on that and enjoy it!  

Post # 6
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Miss Snowflake, I’m so glad to hear that you’ll be having a get together with so many friends.  I understand that it can be so frustrating to feel like someone you care about has just totally abandoned you around your wedding.  But my FI had some good advice.  He said to think of it as it not having anything to do with me (not actively trying to be hurtful), but it being more a reflection of her limitations…and maybe a lesson in who she really is.  Sounds like this is just her being herself (you say she gravitates to drama)…it doesn’t feel great to be left behind, but her behavior has nothing to do with you, or how she feels about you.   I’m sure she does care, but she’s limited in how she can express it.

In the meantime, have fun this weekend!

Post # 8
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Hugs…I can understand how you feel.  It’s understandable that you want your closest friends there celebrating with you and HAPPY.  But I agree with some others, I would let this one go and have a great time.  It will all be okay and your wedding will be wonderful.

Post # 9
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

whoa…i guess im the only one taking this position but you sound crazy out of line.  sorry.  dont mean to offend, but youre attitude is way too entitled.  shes throwing you a shower for 40 people.  what more do you want?  i know this wedding is a big part of your life, but it just cannot be the biggest thing in everyone’s life.  have you even considered her point of view?  she told you that she had a conflict with the day.  you insisted, and got what you want.  yesh… should she have told you she wouldnt be there?  yes.  but everyone doesnt have to suck anything up because youre getting married.  sorry if i sound snarky…but this post kinda struck a nerve…

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Kind of a tough situation…  I think before feeling like she abandoned you, perhaps you can try to figure out exactly what’s the issue.  And really if it is about not liking the other girls, maybe this is her way of being gracious.  (She made the plans like a good MOH, but doesn’t want to pull the "it’s me or them drama."  Maybe she figured she got her way with the shower.  They can have the bach party.???) 

What was the situation with her wanting to change it?  Maybe there really was an issue.  Or even though she has the same stuff she has every year going on, maybe having it all together with your bach party was too much.  Or is it possible that she is just burned out from the planning?  Maybe she feels like she’s paid more than her share, compared to the other maids and was afraid she’d be stuck with the whole tab at the party?  I’m not sure if any of these things are the issue.  Just trying to come up with possibilities.  Maybe whatever the problem is, she feels it is better just to not say anything.

Ideally, it would be nice to not have the drama, to have everyone suck it up for you for the wedding etc.  I imagine the more events you have, the more difficult that becomes.  Wedding fine… one shower, understandable,…another shower, umm….a bachelorette too, ugg.  I don’t know what the issue is with all of these girls, but maybe there is stuff that you don’t even know.  there’s probably stuff they should work together to do, but their situation probably makes it difficult.

If she isn’t going to go, I would simply tell her you’ll miss her, but leave it.  Perhaps you can have lunch together before the wedding.  Just something relaxing, where you two can just catch up, you can thank her for her hard work, and she won’t feel uncomfortable around the other girls.

Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Miss Snowflake, I totally hear where you are coming from on this.  My MOH did the exact same thing: insisted on planning an event, refusing help from other BM’s, and then saying it’s too much for her.  You end up feeling guilty for complaining b/c they still did it in the end.

My original advice remains…don’t let her ruin this time for you.  But do try to keep her as far away from you as you can right now.  I think in my case it may have ruined my impression of my MOH forever.  Hopefully, that won’t happen for you and eventually you’ll come back together.  All I can say is that weddings seem to create a situation where the worst traits of some of the people close to you get highlighted.  But for others, maybe you see the best.  Sounds like your other MOH is like that…

Have fun this weekend!

Post # 13
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Your MOH probably didn’t realize how miffed she would be to share the MOH position with the girl she didn’t like.

Don’t let her inability to handle it ruin the events or your friendship.  Be grateful for what she IS able to do, and she’s the one who will be missing out on not being at your b’ette party. 

Is it annoying – yes?  But, you also have known her propensity for drama, yet wanted her as MOH anyway – so it’s not an excuse, but to be expected. 

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