Post # 1
So, here’s the situation, of which I totally feel strange "venting" on here and to honest this is my first time doing so. I guess I am not so much "venting" as I am trying to find solitude in that I am possibly not alone in my situation and that I can get some feedback or objectivity on this confusing senario! ugh!
I have a girlfriend that I have been close to for about 8 years. She has been a constant in my life and a big supporter of my and my FH relationship. She and I have always had a pretty much effortless relationship. It has just always worked for the most part. No drama, no jealousy. blah blah. So, upon getting engaged I did what some newly excited engaged chicks do and asked her right away if she was available to be my MOH. Note the word "available". The reason I say this is because she is currently in a PHD program and works fulltime. She is busy and I respect that. I always have. She immediatley said yes and said that we would find ways to make our schedules work.
So, I have had to find all the ways to make it work. I feel as if I have been planning a wedding for the 3 of us. I changed our menu becuase she is a vegan and she has always talked about how there is never anything to eat at the weddings she goes to. I did this becasue I wanted to. Call it co-dependancy because it probably is. 🙂 The day of my first dress fitting she didn’t come becasue she had a "girls luncheon" to attend. The bridal shower was planned around a schedule she gave me and then said she couldn’t come due to having school. This left me very confused and baffled really. The shoes I ordered her were wrong, she was unable to come get her dress with the rest of girls. There was a weekend she was coming to stay with me (she lives about an hour away) and never called and didn’t show after I took a Fri off work to hang out with her. I still haven’t mentioned it to her. Bascially, thank god I also have a Matron of Honor who has been there for me every step of the way as far as planning the shower and attending appointments and stuff. Throughout all of this the poeple around me, FH, Matron of Honor, FMIL, etc all have said that I am accomating far more than I should be and why not make it easier on everybody and just have her be a guest at the wedding. This way the pressure is off and she can enjoy herself and I can relax as well. This didn’t go over very well. I was really kind and stated that I respect her busy life and admire her schedule but that it wasn;t working with the plans and that it was ok. I suggested she be a guest and this way she can enjoy herself and not be stressed. I went into our conversation thinking she would be relieved. She was angry and quickly said she had to go. Next thing I know, 2 months went by, we sent out our invites a couple weeks ago and hers came back with a "regretfully decline" X through the response. This is very unlike my friend. I do not feel I should contact her. Im too hurt and I also feel as though she should contact me at this point. I am amazed she does not see herself as unavailable.
Does anyone relate? I am bummed. 🙁
Post # 3
From your letter it doesn’t seem as though she is going to reach out. Unfortunately, she seems self-centered, but still unable to relay concerns or constraints to those around her who are depending on her.
If YOU are interested in salvaging the friendship or at least finding out what is wrong, then talk to her. If not, all you can do is let it go.
Enjoy your wedding. I am sorry for the added stress. You don’t need it! Have a wonderful day.
Post # 4
Do you think that she could have some jealousy issues happening? Maybe that’s why she is acting this way.
Post # 5
Oh I also wanted to say, you may have considered talking to her about cancelling a lot before "demoting" her. She might not have understood how concerned you were both about her and your wedding.
Post # 6
These boards are a great place to vent b/c once you get the whole issue out in writing it allows you to step back and see the whole picture. There’s a few things that I see in your story about why you should be upset and why your friend is upset.
You should be upset b/c despite your efforts your friend was not fulfilling her role –a role she graciously accepted. However, you did not mention if you communicated to her that you were upset when she missed your dress fitting and totally bailed on your shower (whoa! major wedding faux pas!). You said you didn’t even mention to her that you were upset when you took a day off of work to spend time together. Were you really upset by this? I know I would be upset enough to call my friend –I’d be worried something horrible had happened to her! In the end, while you thought you would be doing her a favor, if you look at it from your friend’s perspective, you kinda told her that instead of being best friends she’s now more like your acquaintance. She got demoted. Big time. And from your description this happened without discussion –you had already made the decision. No matter what her faults, I bet that seemed way harsh to her.
I’ve had friendships that have had their ups and downs. We’ve given each other space. Some friendships have been resurrected and healed. Some never recovered. If you value your friendship, and it sounds like you do or you would not be asking for advice, you should call her. Explain that you were upset and that you honestly were trying to make her situation easier. Then listen.
Good luck! I wish you the best. Such a tough situation.
Post # 7
heather25 you are totally right in that I do know I could have gone to more lengths to see what was going on. there were severla times i attempted to "check in" to see if this was adding stress or if she was ok. I never got a clear answer.
Post # 8
I think it’s a bit selfish of her to drop you as a friend altogether. If she really held your friendship dearly, she would have graciously understood…
Post # 9
I can so totally relate. Whenever I see my MOH she’s…well…weird. I knew she was starting a new, very demanding, job. I moved mountains for her wedding and now she treats mine like another scheduled task.
After a few ignored emails…i got the message. My friend is selfish. She’s still my MOH and she did scheduled the bridesmaids dress fitting into her busy saturday (she didn’t go to mine after I drove her to ALL of hers) but I refused to plan my wedding around her so with many regrets…I left her with the title but rallied different people to help me out.
She married ‘up’…so after this I think she wants a different set of ‘friends’. The ones that go with her job and Doctor husband. I never ever imagined she would turn out like that. It’s very disappointing.
My advice: move on…it’s her loss. It hurts but it’ll pass.
Post # 10
thank you V. i realize there should have been more efforts to communicate my dissapointment. i felt like she should’ve realized her unavailability and that i didn’t need to call her out on it. i guess i wanted her to see her own selfishness. it just makes me a bit sad. i have to let it go. you all have great points. thanks. 😉
Post # 11
I think you are right not to get in touch with her RIGHT NOW. You are obviously, and justifiably upset.
She overreacted to your suggestion that she withdraw. In her defense, when myself and a dear friend were in grad school in distant cities she asked me to be her MOH. In the lead up to her wedding, I only spoke to her or saw her about/for wedding related things. I had a lot of important (to me) stuff going on with school, but she never asked about it or called me for no reason to see how I was. It was ALL wedding ALL the time. I brought it up to her before I flipped out and ruined our friendship.
Maybe your friend was feeling a little neglected or put upon. Unfortunately she wasn’t up front with you in a way that lent itself to a positive resolution.
If I were you, I would wait until 2 weeks before my final numbers were due and then reach out to her again. Apologize for not handling it better (even if you feel like you didn’t do anything wrong) and ask her what can be done to mend your friendship.
Friends good enough to be MOH material don’t come along everyday. I wouldn’t let this one slip away without trying to repair it.
Post # 12
On your side: she should have made time for you! And if she couldn’t she certainly should have let you know!
On her side: You should have let her know it bothered you! Did you tell her what you expected of a MOH? Does she even know? Being demoted not just to BM but to guest is super harsh, and probably hurt a lot.
What to do: Call her and ask her if she is ok and what is going on with her. Ask her how she felt about what you did. Ask her how you can make it right. If she wants to mend the friendship, she’ll talk. If she’s still mad she won’t. And at least you’ve done what you could!
Post # 13
It’s hard to know if she is feeling some jealousy, simply frazzled from her schoolwork etc. Has she ever been "spacey" before, and forget to keep a date? Does she date much? Recently go through a break up etc? Those might give you some answers too.
The situation where you suggested she be a guest was mishandled. The advice given to you, also seemd to not be very sound. It would be one thing to check in with her and see if she’s still up to the MOH role. Then explaining what that means. It’s another to basically come out and kick her out, not even demote her to a BM. It sounds like she might not have been given much warning that this stuff bothered you, ahead of time. (And if she can totally stand you up, and not think about or call to apologize, her brain must be fried or something. So I wouldn’t be surprised if she really didn’t know she was flunking MOH 101.)
There are so many stories on these boards about miffed brides who are having trouble with their Bms or MOHs. There is something there that causes big strains.
fighting over attire
fear of losing a friend
not liking the FI
Try to give her some space. Maybe get back with her in time to see if you can patch things up before the wedding. Don’t expect her to get in touch with you. She’s obviously hurt too. It seems like in these situations, the bride usually has to be the first one to pony up and make the move. Good luck.