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I know how you feel. I had a friend who was like that (always flaking out with lame excuses... even caught her lying about it before)
I am sorry to hear about your situation with your MOH, my advice is to talk with her about everything, what her role as a MOH is, how your feeling, the screaming fight when all you wanted to do was express your feelings and her ignoring you and talking negatively to the other bm's and see what she says.
But really it sounds like she is a becoming too much of a liability with your wedding. Your MOH and bridal party are there to support you, they are dependable and you are able to rely on them to help make your day and all the events that come before the wedding less stressful and worry free. You have enough on your plate with the wedding to worry about someone else on your wedding day. If you feel like after the wedding your friendship would be over with her anyway why would you have her at your wedding?
I don't know, I wouldn't want a friend like that in my bridal party much less being the MOH, I would talk with her and if your not feeling good about it I would just tell her right then that you don't want her to be in your wedding party. StrawberryBaby is right you do not want to see this girl in all of your wedding photos and be reminded of the drama and hurt she brought to your wedding. Good Luck!
I had this same situation twice with my wedding involving my MOH and a BM.
I had to make a hard decision between two great friends for my MOH position and the one that I did not choose threw a HUGE fit and called me every name in the book. I didn't talk to her for the whole year that I planned the wedding because she was so angry with me. I had offered her a BM position in the wedding but she told me that she was MOH or nothing. Needless to say she was nothing. I did not invite her the wedding. Now, 4 months aftet the wedding we are friends again and we just leave the situation alone.
With the BM, we were really good friends in college and I actually hooked her up with the man she is going to marry in two weeks. My husband and I would have her and her fiance over all the time for dinner and what not and we just got a bad vibe from them. She started to make comments about my relationship with my husband. She never called and never made any effort for about 4 months to contact me.
We had a GM back out of the wedding because he could not afford to come from Alaska and I used this as an excuse to drop her from my wedding. She has not talked to me since. Her fiance, who was a really good friend of mine, called and told me what a horrible person I was and what not but said that they would still come to the wedding. Three days before the wedding he called my parents to let them know that they would not be at the wedding.
We still haven't talked to them.
So in my situation, it can go either way.
for some reason I am really focused on the fact that she is bad mouthing you to the other BMs..that makes it tip things, for me, more to the side of asking her to leave the party
Cut her loose. If the friendship is over after the wedding anyway, then why have her as MOH? You want an MOH who is there for you in body and spirit, not just to stand there the alter.
A good friend of mine was in the same situation. She and her MOH were childhood friends but their friendship was eroding during her engagement. She let her go as MOH and the friendship ended. Months after the wedding the ex-MOH became very conciliatory and wanted to renew the friendship. Though the trust and closeness is no longer there, they are on friendly terms again.
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I was just reading through all these posts again...now that the situation is so far in the past. She is still the MOH - I decided it wasn't worth all the drama that would come from asking her to leave the wedding party. She has really been trying to make up for it by diving into planning the shower & bachelorette party, but it all feels really phony. I'm hoping I can get over the fight and we can still be friendly after the wedding, but I don't know that we will be.
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My MOH is my oldest friend - even though recently we've grown apart just by living busier lives and living further away from each other, I knew I wanted her as my MOH. She has always been a little unreliable, but when she missed several events (she has excuses for each, but they are a little unbelievable - those are long stories) my feelings were hurt and I said something to her about them. She accused me of being paranoid and a huge screaming fight happened.
I feel like the original issues were never resolved/talked about, but now she has been ignoring me (and telling other bridesmaids how mean I was to her). I am so mad at her and believe that she has lied to me. I have half a mind to tell her she is no longer needed, but know that would end our friendship forever. I also feel like after the wedding, it's probably over anyway.
As for now, I've just been leaving her alone, but does anyone have any advice?