Post # 1
I need advice. Before I lose it with it her. My Maid/Matron of Honor, my best friend for 7 years. Basically told me yesterday that I’m choosing to save money over my friends and it’ll be the reason that “noone shows up to my engagement party to celebrate with us”. I was confronted yesterday about why I never go out with them as much as before ever since I’ve gotten engaged (I was warned about this happening!). Well, I explained to her that rowdy, crazy bars are inappropriate without my fiance, but dinner and drinks with the girls is totally fine. I also explained to her that this wedding isn’t going to pay for itself. Yes our parents are helping out, but not footing the entire bill. So we have been staying pretty low key and saving money for the wedding. And that’s when she flipped out telling me I’m choosing money over friends. And that my fiance is controlling everything. He’s not controlling everything. Him and I both came to an agreement that the bar/club scene isn’t appropriate without one another, as well as an agreement on a budget. If we don’t have the extra money, we don’t have it. I don’t even know what to say to her. I tried my best to explain, but she just doesn’t get it.
Post # 3
@FutureMrsC2012: I think it could be jealousy, or she misses you and has an odd way of showing it. Unfortunately, a lot of our friendships suffered when we stopped partying all the time, and wanting to go out to the bars. I feel the same as you, I’d rather do something low key or at home than go to a bar.
And especially if she’s single, she just doesn’t get it
Post # 4
@FutureMrsC2012: I sometimes hear the same thing… I used to go out to the bars a lot! And I didn’t go out looking to hook up – I would go and get wasted and dance and party.
I don’t at all anymore! I have defientely got flack from people and lost some friends over it.
I try to host dinner parties at my house to see friends that I used to go party with. Since theres wine and food and it seems more “grown up” they tend to enjoy it, but usually try to convince us to come out after. We never do go though.
Have you tried hosting any alternative activities to see your friends?
Post # 5
I would take sometime to cool off and then the next time they suggest going out maybe you could invite them all over for a night in with some wine and card games or something. Sounds dorky, but it would give you all a chance to hang out, but not spend the money going out.
Post # 6
Yup, totally agree with the PP. Sometimes friendships just go in different directions. I used to love going to the club with the girls, and now I can’t think of anything I would rather do less. Priorities change as your life changes, and it sounds like your friend might feel left behind. Ive lost touch with a few friends for this very reason.
My advice would be to make a little more of an effort to spend time with this friend. Explain to her that you are trying to save money but you would love to grab a coffee, or take a walk (my friends meet at the beach a lot for this-exercise and girl talk!). Or even just wine and a movie at home! You can spend time with friends and not have it cost an arm and a leg.
Post # 7
@FutureMrsC2012: Yikes! I had a similar situation with my former bridesmaid (note I said former bridesmaid. Basically, she was a little immature and had a bit of a partying/drinking problem. I used to go out with her all the time but then got to a point in my life where I was engaged, ready to settle down and I needed to start saving money. I would always invite her over for drinks or dinner at my place but she insisted that she wanted to “go out” and never came over. After awhile she confronted me and said that I am “ignoring her” and that I never go out with her anymore. I realized that her and I were just in totally different places in our lives and I kind of outgrew our friendship. It was so hard, and I still miss her to this day (the old her.)
My advice is to really sit and re-evaluate your friendship with this woman. If she can’t just spend time with you outside of the bar scene and has to go out and spend money just to spend time with you, then she doesn’t seem like much of a friend to me, and you may be better off without that negative energy in your life.
Post # 8
Are you keeping contact with your friends in other ways? I’m sure you must have done something else together besides go to the bar.
You don’t have to spend money to have a good time. Schedule time together on a regular basis- a video and popcorn night, pot luck supper, go for a run or a hike then coffee together after.
Post # 9
She may or may not be speaking for more than just herself. But she will sooner or later realize that your life will change, she can either be there for you or choose she doesn’t like your new lifestyle and not be as close with you, but you don’t have to feel guilty about that.
Maybe you can assure her that you’ll still be friends, but some things you aren’t as willing to participate in (ie clubbing). Instead suggest that you 2 have a girly night in, or make an effort to go out just the 2 of you, or window shopping, anything that’s cheap/ free and gives you time to spend together. She proabaly just thinks she’s loosing her friend.
Post # 10
We used to do all sorts of things, from the beach/pool, gym, movies to just hanging out at home. I have tried numerous times to get her to come over to the house for wine and girl time, but she always finds a reason not to attend. I find her behavior kind of hurtful because she was the last person I’d expect this from. I expected her of all people to be the most understanding and supportive. She also insinutated that she’s beginning not to like my fiance. After leaving a comment on our guestbook two days prior about how “happy and excited” she is for the two of us, and “we’re the perfect couple”. He’s done nothing wrong.
Post # 11
At the end of the day, it is more important to spend time with you’re new family. You still need you’re friends, but at the end of the night, you come home to you’re husband.
It happened with me but I had a baby before we got married and I had my Boyfriend or Best Friend of 15 years be mad at me for not choosing to go out with her and do the club thing. Which I never liked to begin with. At the end of the day I stopped trying to kiss her ass to not be mad at me and told her, Nothing is more important to me then my family. I am not leaving them behind to do something I am uncomfortable with. I would rather be at home with my family. Any day. Like you, if she wants to hang out at home, go out to dinner, go shopping, I would totally go. But if you and you’re Fiance are not crazy about clubbing, she either understands or hit the curb.
And why should she be mad that you choose to save up money???? That’s none of her business. You just have to tell her “its not that I don’t want to hang out with you, I just don’t have the money to spend. So if you really cared to hang out with me, We can do something cheap or free, and if you don’t like it then its on you, not me!” You can’t tell me if god forbid you lost you’re job and couldnt go out because you had no money she would be just as upset.
After years of living with my Darling Husband and having kids, You kind of grow out of friends like that. Because when you do hang out, you’re mind set is completly different and on a whole nother path. They will just not understand or get it. That’s why I found friends who are in the same place in life as I am. Because they get it, and they don’t put petty High school stuff inbeetween you. So obviously she needs to grow up and act like an adult.
But this isnt all friends, some stick through anything no matter what.
Post # 12
@PenelopeB: It’s funny you mention the jobless thing, when she and I were going back and forth I also used that one!
Post # 13
At least your friends are still inviting you out to bars, lol! The second I got serious with Darling Husband, my single friends pretty much immediately stopped including me in those nights. They were very good about setting up separate things for me though like dinners, etc. but if I wanted to go out on a Saturday night with them on a wild bar night I had to specifically ask!