Post # 1
ok I’m going to start this I think at the begining. My sister and I are 2 years apart and have never been close so when I got engaged of course I thought to ask my best friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I did ask my sister to be a bridesmaid.
My Maid/Matron of Honor, Alicia, and I have been attached at the hips practically for the last 2 years. When I asked her to be MOH she jumped up and down all excited like in the movies. Alicia has become a lot more and more distant over the last few months (12 month enagaement with 5 to go!)
Alicia hs been dating her boyfriend for almost 4 years and their 4 year anniversary happens to hit 3 days before the wedding, which I had no idea. She was complaining to me a few weeks ago about how now her and her boyfriend won’t be able to take a vacation for their anniversary this year and how they had plans to go away the weekend of the wedding. Ok if you knew this couple you would know they have never planned anything more than 2 weeks in advance in their life. Please note when we were choosing the date for the wedding we were going between 2 different dates. One in July and one in June. She never said a word about her anniversary or we would have picked the opposite date. So when I got up the nerve to tell her that I didn’t want to get in the way of her happiness and if she wanted to go away that weekend with her boyfriend (which is a groomsman) I would totally understand. She completely back peddaled and said no no no she was just venting as a friend it had nothing to do with the wedding. Now fastforward to last week. she ran into another friend of mine and this friend mentioned the wedding and Alicia says ‘oh well with Liz it’s all about the wedding’ OK maybe it’s just me but isn’t your maid of honor supposed to be over the moon happy for you asking you about the wedding and what she can do to help? She has not lifted one finger. I have not asked her to do a damn thing and now all this.
So my sister that i’ve never been very close with asks about the wedding all the time and is always asking to help telling me that if I need anything to let her know. Now i’m starting to second guess my desicion.
Should I ask Alicia to step down and be a bridesmaid and ask my sister to be my MOH?
please give me some kind of advice…
Post # 3
@Sunshineliz22: I’m sure a lot of people will disagree with me, but I would ask her to step down and be a Bridesmaid. You do not need to deal with all that drama. At the end of the day, this is YOUR day, and you deserve to have someone who loves/respects/is excited for the wedding standing by your side. I would ask your sister to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, and offer for Alicia to help with the planning of events. Sort of an assistant Maid/Matron of Honor…
Post # 4
@Sunshineliz22: perhaps just bring on your sister as a co-maid of honor?
Post # 5
Asking Alicia to step down could cost a friendship.. so i would think about this thoroughly. have you thought about sitting down with A and calling her out? Its never safe to go through he said she said, but sometimes it coudl be a good source.
Thankfully you do have time to work with and so much can change in 5months. Lots of people just arent planners or helpers so void that portion beign an issue. People like us, would take the first opportunity to help out or be put to work. But clearly not her.
I would talk to her about this. And tell her straight up you throughts. If shit goes south, you know what to do. IF yout wo can talk it out and you feel confidnet well you got it!
Post # 6
I’m not really understanding what she did. She said, “‘oh well with Liz it’s all about the wedding” to another friend in a negative way? In regards to her vacation or just in regards to the fact that you’ve been so busy with the wedding you haven’t had time for anything else? Is it possible that’s why she’s been distant lately – that you’ve been all about ‘you’ with all your wedding planning and not there for her too?
I’m not sure why you’d ask her to step down. She was over the moon happy – she jumped up and down. She can’t jump up and down the entire 12 months, that would be exhausting.
I think friends should be allowed to vent to each other – her being sad she can’t take a vacation this year – without you taking it personally. If she said it wasn’t about the wedding, then take her word for it. There are lots of reasons why she might not be able to take a vacation this year. Maybe she wanted to talk to you about what’s going on with her life right now but all you’re seeing is your wedding. Just a thought.
Post # 7
If you think asking her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor is going to cause less drama. You are wrong. It will only cause more drama and possibly cost you a friendship. All a Maid/Matron of Honor has to do is buy the dress, show up, and be a good friend. By asking her to step down, you are insinuating that she is a bad friend, and that won’t end well.
Focus on being a good friend when you are around her and not a bride. Not everyone loves weddings, planning parties, and helping stuff invites. That doesn’t mean she isn’t a good friend. Use your sisters help when she offers and if you feel the need, make her a co-MOH.
Post # 8
@MissBatman: Agree with you too. Shit happens.
Post # 9
One thing that i have learned through this process is have no expectations at all!
Post # 10
You are probably going to lose a friend if you ask her to step down. Sometimes brides really do talk all about the wedding and don’t concern themselves with their friendships. Have you called her up just to chat? Ask how she and her Boyfriend or Best Friend are doing? Offered to go on a girl’s shopping weekend?
Yes, MOH/BFF should be very excited for you, but its hard when all the friend wants to tlak about is wedding. I am NOT saying that is what you do, but you could be talking about it a bit too much and not know. It consumes you right now because, of course, its exciting!
Just remember that you are having her as a Maid/Matron of Honor because she has always been there for you. Your sister is just starting to step up to the plate. You might have a different outlook on what duties and roles the MOh has, but in my eyes they are just supposed to buy the dress and show up. If she can’t or won’t help stuff invites, go to taste testings, or appointments it doesn’t mean she is a horrible friend who is uninterested.
Post # 11
@Sunshineliz22: I don’t think she’s done enough to warrant asking her to step down. All she has done is vent a little, nothing more.
You could have your sister as a second Maid/Matron of Honor though.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
@Sunshineliz22: Sorry, I honestly don’t think she’s said or done anything that bad. Clearly, she was out of line when she commented about not being able to go out of town, but I know I’ve said things without thinking that I later realized I should not have said. There are only 5 weeks to your wedding. I think you need to reduce your expectations, and just enjoy it. If your sister wants to help out then that’s great:)
Post # 13
I think you should ask your sister to be co-moh. If you do not have that many bridesmaids you could always just put bridemaids on the wedding pamphlet so everyone is equal.
Post # 14
@MissBatman: I lIke this idea, you are right I should have someone who sopports me.
@Nikkimcq:I think this is a good idea except I can see her getting super defensive…
@MOHlookingForIdeas: I don’t expect her to be jumping for joy the whole engagement. The thing of it is I have barely talked about the wedding. our coversations have been revolving completely around her and her job and her boyfriend which is fine I don’t mind listening to her problems and helping that’s what i’m there for. It can definately can not be used as an excuse that I am all wedding all the time because i’m not.
@megz06: see above. Yes I have invited her & her boyfriend out to dinner and within the last 3-4 months it’s only been twice we’ve actually gone. the reason I say her and her boyfriend is they don’t do anything without eachother. If one can’t go to dinner neither of them go. that’s never been a problem though.
Post # 15
I really don’t see any “drama” she’s caused. She’s just not into the whole wedding thing. And she wasn’t trying to complain about the wedding when saying she wanted to go away that weekend, but probably just saying it to you as a friend.
You cannot have her step down. But you can promote your sister and have her be your Co-MOH if you would like.