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Speaking plainly, she is just jealous. I'm not in your situation but I do understand a little. I have 5 unhappy single friends pushing 30 and I try to keep the wedding talk on the downlow. But I have the right to be happy and excited.
There isn't anything you can do to make her happy. Just keep your chin up and keep doing what you are doing. You won't progress in your own life if you keep worrying about her feelings.
Thanks for your advice! I know I can't constantly worry about her feelings it's just so hard to be happy when my best friend is around me miserable all the time.
The way she has been acting does point towards jealousy, but she should still be there for you and be involved as the MOH and your best friend. I think one day she will regret her actions when she is the bride and you are the wonderful MOH! She is probably so invested in the other friend's wedding because she is not as close with her (your wedding may hit closer to home with her wanting to get married).
I am not exactly sure how I would handle something like this, but if you two are good at talking things out, maybe you could mention that she seems unhappy to be a part of the wedding? You were able to keep cool after she cancelled plans at the bridal show and had the nerve to ask you for a ride, that says a lot about your personality! I think you will be able to work it out! You both have been through a lot together, you can get through this too :)
Good luck with everything!!
Hey - I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I agree wth the pp that the green eyed monster is running riot here. Your personality sounds similar to mine, and if I were you, I'd sit her down and have a talk with her. If you're that close she should open up to you and hopefully after a heart to heart you can move forward with her on board. Perhaps she isn't aware of the negativity she's projecting towards your wedding. She's probably so into the co-workers because she doesn't have to face the fact that you're getting married before her.
Wedding's bring the best and the worst out in everyone, but I would speak to her before it's too late. I waited until the last straw and kicked two of my bridesmaids out - 5 weeks before my wedding, trust me you don't need the stress, deal with her now. Otherwise she'll ruin your planning and you might lose the friendship!
Good luck x
It sounds to me like she's becoming closer to her co-worker than she is to you, and is afraid of how to approach it with you. It happens sometimes, where one of you is clinging to the relationship as it used to be, while the other person has moved on or in another direction. She sees this other person every day if they work together, and their friendship is getting stronger. It could explain her lack of interest in your wedding and her increase in the co-worker friend's, couldn't it? I think it might be time to have an open and honest conversation with her before this whole thing blows up. You'll have to be prepared to hear some things you may not want to hear,tho.
Maybe everyone else is right about the jealousy part and I'm completely off base. Good luck to you in figuring this out. If it were me, I'd need to know now and move on with my wedding either with her still in it, or with letting her go.
I am really sorry you are going through that... I honestly would speak with her soon. Let her know how you feel and how she is making you feel. Do you think she wants to step down? In all honesty, if her actions don't seem to change I would possibly find a new MOH. I know that is harsh, but you should be surrounded by supportive friends and family. She obviously is having a hard time dealing with your happiness and its affecting you negatively. I know this won't be easy. Good luck!
I am so sorry to hear about this! I think you definitely need to talk to your friend and find out what is going on. She's your MOH so she should be there for you, not leaving you to spend time with her coworker at the bridal show that she originally wanted to go to with you. She needs to know that you are noticing her indifference and that it is affecting your friendship. She is your best friend and you really wanted her to be a part of the wedding. Reiterate that she is important to you and that her support means a lot. There may be more going on with her BF than you know about that is affecting her behavior.
I hope you guys are able to work it out. I've seen that too many friendships fall apart because of weddings. Good luck.
Perhaps it's easier for her to be excited about the other wedding because she isn't losing as much with this friend getting married, if that makes any sense. You've been her bff for ten years. You getting married is much more of a huge change for her than the other friend getting married.
That being said, she should not be acting the way she is and you have every right to be hurt and upset. I am getting closer to 30 everyday, probably have very little chance of getting married in the next couple years, marriage has been way more important to me than a lot of my other friends and I have been in 6 weddings all of which I was SO excited to be a part of. Have I been jealous? Of course I have. Has my excitement for my friends far outweighed that jealousy? Absolutely. She shouldn't be acting this way, especially since she is your MOH. Perhaps you could try explaining that you were really hoping she would want to be more involved in your planning process or something along those lines? Try to make it more that you miss her doing these things with you and being involved rather than portraying her as a bad MOH and hopefully she will respond well.
I kind of agree with smyley. It does sounds like she, currently at least, values the friendship with her coworker more based on the amount of time and effort she's putting in to her wedding. My MOH and best friend of 16 years got engaged just 3 days after I did. Since then, her wedding dreams have all been put on hold indefinitely because her SO wanted to buy a house, and now they're having some serious relationship issues to boot. Despite all of that though she is STILL excited for me and my wedding. Sure, I can see a tinge of sadness here and there, but she doesn't purposefully crap all over important things the way your MOH has.
Long story short, her behavior is inexcusable. If she loves you and values your friendship then she needs to set her petty jealousy aside (and I believe there's plenty of that as well) and start getting involved in your wedding. I would've been utterly heartbroken if my MOH invited me to a bridal show then ditched me for a coworker. Your friendship, and your feelings, should be worth more than that to her. As pps said, you should talk to your friend. mc77 said it well in that you should stress what it is that you're missing and how it hurts you to not have her be a part of it. You said that you don't like confrontation, but if you're not up front with her about your feelings now, I do believe you're setting yourself up for a lot of trouble later on. If she's behaving like this now, in front of friends AND total strangers, it doesn't bode well for the future.
Sorry you're going through this! Best of luck!
This sucks. But so many brides go through it.
I think she's more OK with the coworker's shower because she has less invested in the relationship. If you get married, who can she commiserate with? Maybe she thought of the pair of you as partners in crime. If she hasn't known the coworker that long, perhaps when she met her, the coworker was already dating her FI. therefore you MOH went into the friendship knowing how it would end up. Perhaps the coworker is older, and your friend has an easier time feeling happy for her, rather than jealous. While it seems counter intuitive for her to be happier for a friend she's known less time, and act like a brat towards her BF, I can see why it's happening.
I would talk with her. Even if she's completely aware of her passive agressiveness, I think you calling her out (in a nice way) and letting her know it's been noticed, might shake some sense into her. You have been kind by avoiding wedding talk around her. Let her know you understand if there are mixed feelings and that you still want to be friends. BUt also let her know you're OK if she isn't really feeling up to being a MOH at this time.
I work with married couples. We talk about how sometimes in a relationship one partner has to "carry" the relationship, as in the other one isn't connected or pullling their weight or whatever,. Sometimes friendships are like that. She shouldn't be acting the way she is. But weddings make people act crazy. And maybe you can just let her ride this one out. If you two are really close, she'll come around.
Good luck.
Thank you every one for all the good advice!
@Tanya123: I think you are right about the part of her meeting her co-worker when she was already in a relationship and therefore knowing how it was going to turn out. She kind of hinted at something to that effect when I got engaged, although I didn't think about it until now. She mentioned that she thought her co-worker would be engaged soon, but that she "expected it."
We just seemed so much closer before I got engaged. We talked or emailed almost every day and saw each other about once per week, but it's just not the same now. I know she has a lot going on in her life, but i think you are all correct in saying that I need to talk to her. We have always been able to talk things out, I think that's why this situation has been more difficult because it constantly feels like there's an elephant in the room so to speak. I also think I am going to ask her if she wants to step down. I am not going to frame it that I want her to (because I really don't) but that I am giving her the option if she's just not into it.
@mc77 I could completely relate wheen you said that while you felt jealous when your other friends were getting married, but you still were able to be excited, because that is how I have been with my other friends who have gotten married. I think that's why this has been even mroe difficult for me, because if I could be excited for my friends, I don't understand why she can't try and be excited for me.
Thank you all for taking the time to give me your input. I really appreciate your advice!
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Sorry this is so long!
Wow I never thought I would be posting this...but I just don't know what to do anymore and I need some advice.
My best friend is my MOH. She has been my best friend since we met my Sophomore year in college (10 years ago). We have been through so much together, and have always had a very strong friendship.
She has been with her boyfriend (who I set her up with) for 6.5 years. I would say that out of my whole group of friends, she is the one who has always wanted to get married the most...well at least have the actual wedding part the most. She has been planning her wedding since I met her (whereas I wouldn't even pick up a bridal magazine or visit a website until I was engaged). Well she has been waiting for years now, and still no ring. They have a lot of complicating factors, including distance.
When I got engaged I didn't tell anyone except my parents for a few days because I was terrified about telling my best friend. I was so afraid of what her reaction would be, especially since she has been with her BF so much longer than I have been with FI. I was so afraid of hurting her that I called her BF first and talked with him about it. He said he thought she would be fine, and that I needed to tell her of course, because she was my best friend. I drove the hour to her house and told her. She cried, but congratulated me and told me she was happy for me. She then welcomed FI "to the family."
For a little while, things were ok. She was talking to me about wedding planning, and sending me ideas. (She was the MOH in our other friends wedding the year before and did an amazing job planning that one since our other friend who was getting married really wasn't into the planning or the wedding thing)
I tried SO hard not to talk about being engaged, or wedding planning much unless I had a specific question that I needed to ask her. Well things just kept getting worse. She emailed me in July about a September Bridal show that she thought we could go to which I thought was great and told her I would love to go.
When September rolled around she mentioned to me in passing when we were out with our friends that she was going to that same bridal show with a friend from work that recently got engaged but that if I went to let her know and maybe we could meet up. I was a little sad about that, but tried to let it roll off. My other friend (also a bridesmaid) quickly piped up and said she'd love to go with me so we made plans. When I was driving down to pick up my other friend, MOH texted me and asked if I could give her a ride there to meet her other friend. That just added salt to the wound for me, but I was nice, picked her up, and acted like it was no big deal, and just tried to be happy. When we got to the show she ran off to catch up with her friend, and was painfully obvious about how much more excited she was about this friend's wedding. My other friend finally just turned to me and was like "what is up with that?" Honestly, I have no idea.
Last weekend I went shopping for wedding invitations with my mother and a few of my bridesmaids. I invited MOH because I felt like I should and definitely didn't want to leave her out of anything. She came, but she stood up away from the table where the invitation books were and had her arms folded most of the time. She didn't make any comments, or look at any books, and was in an extremely bad mood. My mom was shocked and so were my other friends. By the way, I should mention that my other friend who has been outstanding is having a lot of difficulty with dating right now and is dying to get married but is still sweet and happy and supportive of me which I appreciate so much.
This past weekend was my engagement party and MOH came up with my other bridesmaid and her BF. She stood in the corner for the first two hours with her BF and refused to talk to anyone. She barely smiled, and I had people who didn't even know her coming up to ask me what was wrong. It was awful.
Yesterday I received a Facebook message from MOH asking where the hostess of my party got one of the decorations (a wedding cake made out of towels) that she had at the party for me because she wanted to get one for her friend from work who is getting married and having a party next weekend. I just wrote back and said that I would ask but I was kind of short.
I don't know why she is so excited about being part of this other friend's wedding (who she has only known for a couple years) but her best friend for ten years she will barely give the time of day. I am trying not to be whiny about it, but it is really starting to hurt my feelings and I don't know what to do. My nature is to ignore it because I hate conflict, but I don't want it to build up and then have me blow up at her either.
I know what it is like to be waiting. My last relationship was 7 years long (and I really thought he was the man I was going to marry) and we broke up two days before my other good friend got engaged. I still put on a brave face and was happy for her and excited about being in her wedding. I just want my MOH to be pleasant. She doesn't have to be extremely excited, but just not in a bad mood all the time.
What should I do Bees? How should I handle this without making the situation worse???