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I would have asked my MOH and best friend to bring her son before she had to even ask is he was allowed. My friends are closer than distant relatives.
I think that since so many other kids are coming and your MOH is supposed to be one of the closest people to you that I would have invited her son in the first place. I consider my MOH to BE family and wouldn't want to hurt her by saying "All these kids are invited, but yours aren't becuase we happen to be not blood related".
She should not even have raised the issue of bringing her son. If he is invited to the wedding, his name will be on the invitation. It is terribly rude of her to presume that he will be invited.
It doesn't matter what other bees would do, you are entitled to draw the line at family kids only. The only kids who will be there are your own and the ones from Texas and Ohio.
She absolutely will not be able to mind a 5 yr old while performing her duties as MOH.
I agree that if I were allowing that many kids at my wedding (especially the cousins thing - that's branching out), I would allow my MOH to bring hers.
I do understand the difficulty of keeping an eye on him while there are things to be done during the wedding, but that is her responsibility, not yours. You can (nicely) make that clear during the discussion, and if she still wants to bring him and has a solution to keeping him safe and out of trouble, I'd say she should be able to.
That being said, it's your wedding day and you are entitled to allow whoever you want there. Conversely, everyone else is entitled to be insulted or angry, so it doesn't mean there are no repercussions for doing just what you want.
We are not having kids at our wedding, at all, for a lot of reasons. Our solution for out of town guests is that we are offering to arrange a group babysitter for those who are bringing kids that need to be watched. They will hang out in the suite that the bridal party gets ready in that morning, and we will probably subsidize about $30/kid, depending on how many kids will be there and what the total cost will be. We figure that's the equivalent of paying for their plate if they had been invited to the reception, so it doesn't look or feel like we're just being cheap.
@Corilee13: agree 100%
AND it doesn't matter what we would do and you ARE entitled to draw the line.. but do you really want to draw the line at your BEST FRIEND'S SON? seriously? that hangs out with your kids all the time? would you not be put off if your best friend were getting married or having a party that had a lot of kids and said yours' couldn't come? I would be so hurt if I were her! In the end, it is your choice.. but like @baliahi1029: said, don't think there won't be consequences.
You have no issues with children that you probably don't even see once a year yet the son of your MOH and who you see twice a week, you won't allow come?
That is wrong in so many ways and tbh, if I were in her shoes, I would step down from the MOH position.
@MrsNeutrino: Agreed.
I made it clear to my MOH that her daughter was more than welcome before the topic was even brought up. I am closer to her daugther than I am to some of the children from my FI's family.
While I do understand that you want her complete and undivided attention it really isn't fair, especially as children are already coming to the wedding. If it were a child free wedding than I could understand your point. There wouldn't be anyone that can watch her child from time to time during the ceremony and reception? If you are so close with her are you not close with her family (and potentially inviting them)?
@julies1949:What "duties" is a MOH supposed to have? Because all I'm asking of mine is that she show up in her dress, THAT'S IT. These women aren't slaves, just because the word maid happens to be in the title doesn't mean they need to tend to every brides wish and demand. Sure these women will need to be present and attentive during photos but what else could they possibly need to do the rest of the night that directly involves the bride? To be honest I don't want my bridesmaids all around me all night attending to me, I want them up having fun, mingling and enjoying themselves. But maybe I'm the minority on this.
@ENarcy: The whole bridal party is usually present for a LOT over the course of the wedding - photos, receiving line. introductions, bridal party dance, speeches, helping the bride with her bustle, etc.
I don't think any of those "duties" are unreasonably demanding, or even that far beyond the most minimal expectations of a MOH. And a lot of them could be much more difficult to do having to watch a small child by yourself. Definitely not impossible, but harder.
@baliahi1029:Like I said I'm clearly the minority because I don't intend on having my bridesmaids hovering over me waiting to see what I need once the reception starts. Sure they'll be there for pictures and introductions and with my wedding that's all they need to be there for the rest of the night if for them to HAVE FUN. Either way the OP MOH's son should have been invited before distant relatives. Especially since they're close.
@ENarcy: You are not in the minority. I don't expect my Bms and MOHs to be up my ass the whole time. They are adults and I would much rather them be mingling with my guests making sure they and themselves have a great time. Why do i need someone getting me drinks.. and holding my hand while I walk? I am a bride... not special needs. Everything moves so quickly anyways..hair and makeup.. walk down the aisle.. boom! youre married. An hour for pics and then you are done! Not only would my MOH's son be invited to the wedding.. but if I didn't have a son, he would be IN the wedding as well, HELL.. even if I did have a son, both of them would be in the wedding! I have a BM whos daughter is a flower girl with my daughter. My friends are my chosen family, but I guess not everyone feels that way.
I feel like some PPs are being kind of harsh. I mean, your MOH is going to be busy on your wedding day. She'll be getting her hair and makeup done. She'll be standing up with you during the ceremony. She'll be getting pictures done. Depending on your reception, she'll be giving a speech, participating in the first dance when all of the bridal party comes out, etc. And if you're having a head table, is he going to sit up there with all of you?
If she had someone to watch him, I don't think there would be an issue but, seriously. She's going to be busy and it wouldn't be fair to you for her to not fully participate because she's so busy chasing a 5 year old.
That being said, because your families are so close, I do think you should tell her she can bring her son but ONLY if she's sure she can handle both responsibilities.
Um...who's going to be watching all your kids? Presumably you and your FI are going to be far too busy to keep an eye on your 5 year old, so I assume one of your relatives will be watching your children during pics, etc. I really don't see why the same person(s) couldn't also keep an eye on your MOH's child. I'd be kind of ticked off if I were in her position.
We are having the kids of our immediate family only at our ceremony and reception but, with that being said, I feel like my MOH is more like a sister to me than my own sister and I am the god-mother of her two daughters so, they are included even though we aren't related "by blood". I can kind of see her point here.
@MissOtter31: Thank you, this was what I was trying to say. Even if you are a bride who expects the bare minimum from your bridal party (which I am, by the way), your MOH is still going to be busy! I think a LOT of brides don't expect very much from their bridal party beyond having a good time, but the fact remains that just participating in the good time keeps you busy.
I have been in quite a few wedding parties with easy going brides (i.e. I wasn't following the bride around catering to her needs all night), and I still can't imagine having to keep an eye on a young child the whole time. And as a parent, I wouldn't feel comfortable just assuming that whoever is watching all the other kids could watch mine while I was busy.
However, as I said in my original response, if the MOH feels up to all of it, I personally would allow her to bring her son. I just think that it's disingenuous and unrealistic to say that all a BM or MOH does is show up in the dress you picked out. Unless your wedding party is sitting in the pew during the ceremony, you don't have introduce them or take pictures of them, no one gives a speech and you don't have a wedding party dance.
I think i'm more upset of the way she put it. She once said " If your kids are coming then so is mine" I asked if I should invite her mom or sister and she said no. If they were coming then I wouldn't mind. I just don't want my parents having to be the ones to keep an eye on him. If my nephew wasn't the ring bearer than he would be. I love him. But he also a handful.
My other BMs are totally fine leaving their kids at home. They are wanting to enjoy themselves. The wedding party is going to be taking a limo from the church to a different location for pictures. Where will he go then?
@s.h. I have 3 girls. And mainly my parents and the grooms parents will be watching them. Plus they will be in some of the pictures w/ us of course.
I will be inviting most of the family members of my bridal party. Is her son a usual behavior problem? Not all little kiddos are total terrors. If I were you, I'd let her bring her son. It's not worth arguing about with your best friend. And besides, you are having a lot of kids there already that you probably don't know as well as your best friend's son. If it were me, my MOH wouldn't have to even ask me about bringing her son. I would want him there because I would already know that she would want him there. Be kind to your best friend.
@Corilee13: It's not like that at all. its $49pp over the age of 3. And because I have 3 kids of my own I can't make it an adult reception. One of my BM's I have been friends w/ for 18years and she has no problem at all leaving her son w/ a sitter.
@MissOtter31: Thank you... I wouldn't mind him there if someone else was there to watch him during the times that she will be busy. Such as pictures, introduction, speeches, dances. Pretty much the same times that I will not be able to be watching mine (which my whole family will be helping us with our kids) I don't plan on having my children sitting up w/ us at the head table so I don't think it would be fair that he did.
on a side note ... we are having a limo take the wedding party from the church to a seperate location to take pictures other than the reception hall (country club-where the family/flowergirl+ring bearer pics will be taken) Where will he go then?
It's to be expected that some would feel that if one child is invited then all should be... but guess what, its your party, your wedding and you can do whatever the hell you want.
My Mum was in one of her best friend's wedding party when my brother and I were younger. We weren't invited. Did she make a fuss? No! She loved that she could have a night away.
I think the only thing you can do is either allow the kid to come and hope he's not running wild or your MOH will be too busy chasing him to help out with the day (because she's an MOH, not a guest), or straight up tell her no and hope she doesn't go ballistic or completely resent you for it.
...some people are crazy when it comes to their kids.
You have the right to invite and NOT invite ANYONE you want and it was rude of her to assume her kid should be invited...and even more rude to make you feel bad about it.
WITH THAT SAID:
Honestly, if it were me i'd let her bring him because she will be doing lots for you and honestly, she's your bestie so ...yeah, you should be nice and let her bring the kid. Just my opinion...=D
None of my bridal party had kids but I invited all their +1s and their parents out of respect and to show them "you're like family to me"
You don't have to! but then again it would be a nice gesture
Sounds very logstically difficult, who is going to be watching him during the ceremony, when she's making her speech, eating at the head table, etc.?
Ths logistics are her concern, not yours. Your concern is to hand out the invitation to a child you love, the child of someone you love. Her concern is logistics. She may see herself that it won't work out. Or she may be able to sort it in a way you hadn't considered. Her childcare arrangements aren't your concern, really.
@VickyAurea: Or she may let the child run around with no one watching him, which would be bad not just for the bride and groom but for the child's safety too, which does make it OP's concern too, not just the MOH's.
I think that it is your choice to invite whomever you'd like. Her asking was overstepping a bit, and pushing the subject is down right rude of her. I work in the wedding industry (photographer) and even if the bride is the most incredibly laid back non-bridezilla the bridesmaids still have a LOT of duties that occupy their time. I've definitely been trying to take photos and had a bridesmaid or groomsmen slowing up the process because they have to keep telling their child to stop doing this, sit quietly, etc. It's just disruptive. I can see possibly inviting her child if perhaps a friend agrees to babysit him at least till after the first speeches. However, it is perfectly acceptable to explain to her that you aren't planning on inviting ANY children of friends, and that if you were to make an exception for her you are inviting other non family memebers with children to be angry with you. It seems reasonable to keep it just to family concerning children.
Thanks everyone for your opinions. She has finally agreed to get him a sitter. She wanted me to invite her sitter to the wedding (but that was not going to happen..don't really know the person) I was not trying to be rude But a limo will be taking the bridal party to the picture location back to the church. I just don't see how she would have been able to have her kid there. Mine will be watched by family during this so of course i wouldn't allow someone else to have their child with us when mine will not even be there.
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My MOH and I have been best friends for about 5 years. Both of are kids are the same age (5)and we hang out a couple times a week. I have 3 girls of my own so of course they will be my flower girls and be there at my reception. I Live in michigan and I have cousins who also have kids coming to my wedding from Texas. So that is 8 kids right there. And then my FISL has 3 and she will be coming from Ohio. I want it to be a family kids only reception. And my MOH has a huge problem with it. She thinks if my kids are going then all kids should go. First of all.... Of course my kids will be there on this day (they are my life) and secondly, who is going to be watching her son during the ceremony,pictures, and other parts of the reception. She's a single mother so its not like his dad could watch him. Because she is my best friends and our kids are very close i woudn't mind him being there if someone was there to watch. But I don't want her to have to tend to him all the time when her focus should be on what is going on. On top of that I don't want my other friends to get upset. We have talked about it a few times and she isn't happy about it... i dont know what else to do!