Weddingbee boards

This is rather long, do I applaud you if you make it to the end!

So my situation is rather unique...MOH is my stepmother, who has been more like a friend to me than a parent. I got engaged back in March of last year, and there has been a lot of drama throughout the past 15 months. Back in November, she didn't talk to me for a month and contemplated dropping out of the wedding because I decided that my two nieces had to be flower girls (7 and 3) and not jr BM's.

In any event, FI nad I moved about an hour away in November, so I rarely get to see my family from NJ. The numerous pre-wedding things I've done (2 fittings, 2 hair trials, make up trial), I invited her to, but she blew me off on all occasions, even not calling me to tell me she wasn't coming (I had to call her, only to ask where she was because I was running late) on the day of my first hair trial.

Last week, she calls me and tells me to take a day off this month to do a "spa day" just me and her. I took the day off, told her, and never heard back from her with "OK" or "Good".

She had a hair trial on Saturday which she asked me to go to over a month ago, and I forgot...my aunt is up from SC for the shower, and me, FI and my bro went and spent the way with her. She texted me that morning telling me to be there, and I said I couldn't make it.

In nay event, she texts me yesterday telling me "We have to talk Saturday after the shower". I reply "About what? Is it bad?" (thinking of some major BM drama/etc) and she says "About our relationship, or lack thereof." Now, when she has to "talk", it's typically very hurtful things (she's called me the c word before to my face) that create a lot of pain.

I told her about the major financial and life issues that have been going on in my life (which she knows of) in the past two weeks, and that was it; she never replied back. Then she texts me this morning and says "If people are important to you, you make time for them" I told her thats not the issue, and that I hardly feel as though it's appropriate to discuss this after my shower because I know exactly how she gets when she is mad/upset/angry, and that she'll say some pretty hurtful things, to which she replies "Like you don't".

I'm at the point now where I'm not even excited about my shower anymore; I'm dreading it. I know her well enough to know that this is not a "good" talk, and I'm so hurt that she would even consider saying hurtful things to me following my shower. I don't know if I'm venting or seeking advice, lol. Thanks for reading

Tell her she has to make time to talk to you beforehand, so you aren't dreading what should be an important event. Stay calm and be the bigger person. Tell her " I really would have appreciated you at my hair trials, and I am sorry I could not make yours, if this has become an issue can we please talk about it over the phone or on some day other than the shower. I would rather not have any drama there."

@ sironel- Thanks, I totally felt bad and apologized about forgetting because I hated how she made me felt when she didn't attend my events. I tried later that day to call her and apologize, but she never picked up the phone.

@ troubled- All of my BM's will be there, so I can definitely ask one of them if they can help me get all of the gifts situated at home after the shower. I was thinking of bringing her flowers to the shower since she's the MOH and kind of the "host", but I don't even know if she'll talk to me then

@sboston06- Thanks. You're completely right, I don't want this to taint the shower. I want everyone to have fun, and I wear my emotions lol so people will know if I'm upset/sad/etc.

Under no circumstances should you need to suck up to your MOH. No one wants to be Bridezilla, but she is there for you, not the other way around.

I agree. Listen to your heart and know what will make you happy on your day

@ sironel I completely agree with you. I just have this undying fear (have since November) that she's going to drop out of the wedding. If it was anyone else, it may not be so bad, but I explained to her back in November that if she drops out, our relationship was over because that would be a hurt unforgivable in my eyes.

I picked her because she is/was my best friend, despite the fact she is married to my father. To me, MOH position is a very sentimental and important position (not saying that BM's aren't, but I picked her because she is the most important woman in my life other than Mom). I just feel like the position is being held over my head, and that she's playing on what she knows is my biggest fear and would be my biggest letdown in the wedding if I don't do exactly what she wants when she wants.

I think you'll feel better if you can hold it (and her) together for a serious talk but know that you are ok if she steps down. That way, if she holds it over your head, you can say, I think you're right, maybe you should step down

@Daisylynn. agreed.

Thanks daisylynn-When she's nice and supportive, she's an amazing person, and will go to the ends of the earth for me....I work in mental health, and seriously think she may be bipolar.

Thanks again sironel.