MOH will be a new mom at wedding – adjusting expectations

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
3677 posts
Sugar bee

The best thing for you to do is to make the plans you need to make, and let the new parents worry/figure out how to deal with their infant. It’s just not something you can anticipate very well, because every baby (and every mom, and every postpartum recovery, etc.) is different. Especially if it’s her first, it’s pretty unpredictable.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting a baby at your bachelorette. Those two things don’t really go together anyway! You should just make the plans for the type of event you want, and then leave it up to her to decide whether/to what extent she can be a part of things. Keep in mind, too, that what she thinks she’ll be up for doing now and what she’ll actually be up for doing after the baby is born may not be the same.

Post # 3
Member
5264 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

KCKnd2:  Agree 100%

Post # 4
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Here are my comments.  I think you are trying to balance a line of being a good friend while enjoying your own wedding.  It’s a tough line, but it is possible.

I think you have the perfect situation set up for the shower.  That sounds almost exactly what I would do.

For bachlorett party, I think it might be preferable for your MOH to have dinner with you, and then the rest of the party can proceed with the nights activities, or set up one on one time with just your MOH and you to have a girls night that is baby friendly.  You really aren’t supose to be planning your own bachlorett party, but I think as another member of the wedding party, I could be put out by the idea of having to cater to a baby in my planning.  It brings down the quality of resteraunt you can go to, the amount of drinking you can do, and the time you can spend out.  I would offer these two options to your MOH and see which she takes. 

As far as getting ready and pictures, I would give the husband and baby room to be close by.  If my math is correct, the baby will be between 4 and 5 months old.  They should be pretty into a schedule by then, and your MOH should know when she will need to be excused to go feed her baby and when the baby will need to be put down for a nap.  I would wait until you are closer to know what the baby’s schedule is, and then be ready to work around it.    As far as crying during the ceremony, we had children in a range of ages, and our worst behaved where from 1-2 years old range.  Most of the babies were either sleeping, or were content to just be in mom or dad’s arms.

For the reception, let mom decide what the baby needs to do.  Not every mom will be comfortable with her infant sleeping in a different room at a strange place where they can’t hear it crying with strangers children around it. I would be very ready for mom to bale early (most of the people that left our wedding early where moms and dads of young children) 

A lot of what you will need to do is temper your expectations for the day of the wedding.  Your MOH may have to leave early, or step out in the middle of pictures for a few minutes.  Just be ready to roll with it. 

Post # 5
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

HeartsandSparkles:  Speaking from personal experience, I’d recommend that you speak about this as little as possible until you’re at the time when you really absolutely have to (so 2 wks to 1 month before each specific event).  

A bridesmaid of mine became pregnant after I asked her to be in the wedding (with pretty much the same duedate compared to wedding date as yours) and she kept saying she’d still do EVERYTHING and she was pressuring me to allow her to bring the (by that time) 4-month old infant to my 3-day bachelorette party where we’re renting a house in wine country and over 20 girls will be staying in a house and doing wine tours in buses etc.  

I had a talk with her, trying to explain that I was very understanding and flexible- that I understood if that bach party didn’t work for her or if she could only come for parts of it.  That, who knows, her baby might have its first serious cold and might need her because sometimes first-time dads aren’t able to handle very young babies on their own, especially when the mom is breastfeeding, and I’d understand that.  She was fully unreasonable- she said it sounded like I didn’t want her there and didn’t think she’d be any fun.  I tried to explain how a baby at most bachelorette parties is inappropriate and how other moms had said they were unable to attend or had made childcare arrangements for their kids elsewhere b/c a kid would not work in the house on a bachelorette weekend, etc.  She threatened not to come.  It was a mess with her being just fully unreasonable and me doing my best.

I realized then that no good would come of me trying to talk to her about where her baby would be during the ceremony etc. or what if the baby needed her or was crying.  She just wasn’t fully aware of what her husband, herself, and her baby would be capable of or need at a date months in the future and she wasn’t able to discuss it reasonably and objectively, so there was no point discussing it right then anyway.

Well the rest of her pregnancy went perfectly and she had her baby- doctors repeatedly told her how perfect and healthy her baby was.  Then her baby passed away within days of being born.  It’s been horrible and devastating.  I now realize that I did not have to talk to her about any of this when I did- nothing needs to be discussed or should be discussed until about 2 wks before the event.  1 month max.  Before then, ppl don’t have a realistic expectation of how the baby will be acting/sleeping and how much the father can handle and how much the baby needs the mother or how much the mother wants to be with the baby.  

I recommend just flagging the issues to yourself now and only discussing them maybe 2 wks to 1 month max prior to each event.  When a person doesn’t even have their baby yet, they might have no clue what babies require or that they might not feel like they can leave their baby at all yet or that sometimes babies cry endlessly and there is no way you can guarantee that’ll work for a night out or even a nice dinner (and they surely won’t be accommodated on some wine-tour party bus that doesn’t even have seatbelts).  A baby that young, tends to need to go to the doctor for nearly every cold still- way way more than adults do.

Post # 6
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

To answer your specific questions: It is completely reasonable to say that it’s inappropriate for babies and children to be at your bachelorette party and to have whatever bachelorette (including slumber party) that you want to and that your other gfs are okay with.  Do not tailor everything to what your gf wants if it conflicts with what you want.  Stay firm on this.  I had to repeatedly tell my gf that it was the wedding ceremony etc. that mattered and that she did not have to be present at every single second of the bach party if her baby needed her- that our friendship was deeper than that.  She also ended up not being able to attend my shower (even tho her baby had already passed away)- I fully understood and am still glad that I didn’t change everything about my shower to suit her (when she likely would’ve figured out at the last minute that it was too much hassle and wasn’t going to work for her to attend a shower cross-country with an infant).  

Also, most of my other gfs would be PISSED if there was a baby in my bachelorette house because they all made arrangements for a girls’ wknd, got sitters for their kids, or decided they couldn’t come because nearly everybody knows that most bachelorette parties (especially ones renting houses in wine country) are not appropriate for kids or especially babies.  So it’s not just about your (not-selfish) preferences when it comes to the bachelorette party-  by staying firm and saying that it wasn’t a good place for a baby even though she called me cruel and mean, I was ensuring that other girls had the enjoyable wknd they expected (& were paying for & took vacation for) and that there isn’t unnecessary drama with ppl upset at her.

No, I do not think you need to have her husband there or find space for him while you’re getting ready.  I’d guess that she’ll have the baby or he will, or they’ll coordinate getting the baby to him in their room or a lobby/common area as needed.

For the ceremony & reception, I don’t think I could tell bridal party members with infants that they could not bring them or had to keep them elsewhere.  I’d probably let it ride or (maybe) just ask that if the baby’s crying at the ceremony, that the dad take the baby outside.  But I don’t think you can ask the dad to miss the whole ceremony in order to have the baby somewhere else preventatively.  It will sound very silly to them and she really might step down from being in your bridal party if you go that far.

For your feeding concerns- it’s not like babies at that age just absolutely have to be fed during one 15 min. period and not the next.  Your friend can work it out so there are various 30-min windows where the baby doesn’t need to be fed (for your ceremony, pictures, the grand entrance, etc.).

I know firsthand how stressful this is to try to manage/plan for as the bride and I wish you and your friend the best.

Post # 7
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

HeartsandSparkles:  i def dont think a baby should be at a bachlorette party, nor that you should change what you want to acommodate someone else. plan the party you want, and have her make it to whatever she can make it to.

we wanted a totally child free wedding. we were pressured into letting FI’s cousin who is coming in town from wisconsin bring her 2 young children (1 will be 7ish, the other 3 i think). Luckily we’re getting married at a bed & breakfast, so i asked if she wouldnt mind having her husband sit with the kids in one of the suites during the ceremony, max 20 min, then they could come out for the reception. she didnt have any issue with this at all. Although i really wish they wouldnt be there for the reception either, i dont have the control over it at this point. guilt trips suck lol

Post # 8
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Girly I think in this case, you need to do what you need to do and stop worrying so much about her. As nice as this is, and as much as this is going to appreciate it…. just make the plans that you want, and if she can’t make it, then that’s no big deal…. 

One of my bridesmaids just had a baby at the beginning of the year and she won’t be able to make the bachelorette because we are going to Vegas for the weekend. Every other even she can leave the baby with daddy and for the wedding she’ll leave the baby with mom. 

Post # 9
Member
6740 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If the baby is due in July, then she will have planty of time before your “events” to transition to mommy life- let her worry about it.

BUT- no babies at bachelorette parties!  That is just dumb! (and I have 2 kids!)

Post # 10
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I can relate on some level – though my Matron’s baby was already 10 months or so when big events started happening. He was left with her husband’s parents when we did the bachelor/ette parties in Vegas (they happen to live there so it worked out, we’re in California). For the wedding, he was with her mom for the weekend, even though *I* wanted him there! They just didn’t want to be distracted (her husband was my husband’s best man also). They did miss our engagement party though, which was about 3 weeks after she gave birth, and that was completely understandable.

Since the baby isn’t here yet, I could see her “rules” changing a little bit once they get into a rhythm and figure out what works and what doesn’t for them. By the time your festivities start, the baby will be about 2 months and who knows what her breastfeeding experience will even be like. I would do what other posters suggest and go on planning your things and let them worry about it when the time comes. 

Post # 11
Member
8592 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Well I was a bridesmaid in my friends wedding when my baby was 1 month old.  I can just go through what we did for everything and then give some final thoughts.

Bridal shower: was 2 days after baby’s birth so I did not go (obviously).  It was actually 9 days after my due date so I knew that I wouldn’t be going ahead of time.  I just sent a gift.

Bachelorette: my baby was 2 weeks old.  I fed her and immediately left to meet them.  I just went to the dinner portion and then went home.  They all went bar hopping and stayed the night.  I would have loved to have gone out but we hadn’t given baby a bottle yet so I was feeding her exclusively.  Even now (baby is 2 months) I probably wouldn’t go on an overnight trip because I’m still feeding her quite a bit and I don’t want to hassle with pumping in the middle of the night and early mornings just to go out.

Wedding: DH came with me to meet them at 10am.  The bride was actually having her own mom do her makeup and hair so at the hair salon it was just me at a few other bridesmaids.  DH and baby hung out with us there until it was time to go to the venue at noon.  The venue had some sleeping area rooms so DH could have used those all day.  What happened was we went over at noon and I fed baby.  The DH took her.  He could have went to use the rooms but he actually hung out in the grooms getting ready area for a few hours (we were friends with both the bride and groom FWIW).  When it came time for pictures he took her upstairs to the sleeping area and hung out with her until the ceremony.  I had pumped bottles for her.  She got a bottle during pictures. 

DH and my parents held her during the ceremony.  She was 1 month, she slept through the whole thing.  They did sit in the back so they could leave if she cried but she never did.  I was able to feed her after the ceremony because bride and groom left to take pictures and we were instructed to just hang out for 30-45 minutes.  DH and my parents took her to the reception and sat in the back.  So I was able to do the entrance and eat dinner at the head table.  After that my duties were pretty much over.  Baby pretty much just napped in my parents arms at the reception.  But a 4-5 month old probably wouldn’t be napping. 

 

Now, if here baby is 4-5 months old at the time of your wedding (sounds like it) then (assuming she is willing to use a bottle of pumped breast milk–most people are) there really shouldn’t be an issue with her husband giving the baby a bottle during photos and the ceremony if needed.  By that age most parents have figured out babies schedule.  With my 1 month old, I just brought 4 bottles because I had no idea how many I’d need (we used 2).  She ate every 2 hours sometimes.  But with my 2 month old, I would know exactly how many bottles were needed because baby’s already set up a little bit of a schedule by then.  A 4-5 month old will generally already be on somewhat of a schedule so it shouldn’t be too hard for the parents.

It really wasn’t that hard.  As long as the bride or mother isn’t bitchy about it, there’s no reason why both can’t relax and just go with the flow.  If baby is able to be bottle fed there shouldn’t be any problems as long as there are breaks between activities.  So after pictures we had about 45 minutes before the ceremony–perfect time to feed baby if need be.

Now, if baby is exclusively breast fed (no bottles) this could be trickier but at 4-5 months baby doesn’t need to eat as often as when they’re younger.  They probably can go 3 hours between feedings so hopefully that would help.

Post # 12
Member
8592 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Misswhowedding:  Oh and I agree on the worst-behaved thing.  This wedding I was in with my baby had multiple infants and toddlers.  The toddlers were by far the worst behaved (or maybe I should say were the most distracting).  Babies either slept or were fascinated just looking at everything and everyone.  Infants really aren’t a big deal at weddings unless they are colicky or just a harder than average baby.

Post # 15
Member
8592 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

HeartsandSparkles:  I doubt a 4-5 month old would just sleep in a car seat for the majority of the time.  By 4-5 months babies are awake more.  They do sleep during the day but nothing like when they are super young.  Baby can probably just be held by dad and will probably just look around some, play with some toys maybe, and also sleep.  Mine is 2.5 months right now and she mostly just looks around at things, “talks” to people, and eats/sleeps.

Does the BM and dad have any other friends going that are guests as well?  My baby wasn’t in her car seat for the ceremony or reception at all, they just traded off on holding her.  Car seats don’t take up much room but I guess it depends on how packed the tables are.  Dad could probably hold baby for most of the time and if he needs to eat put baby in the car seat or pass it off to someone else.

My baby isn’t a fan of being in the car seat unless it’s moving (in vehicle or stroller).

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