Ok, I need some help with this because I am really upset with my sister who is my MOH. Backstory: My sister is a little on the heavy side but none of my other bridesmaids are. The bridesmaids all want short dresses since its a June wedding but my sister wanted a long dress because she doesnt like her legs. That works out just fine since she's MOH she can look a little different to stand out as my special girl. However... My sister and I dont really get along. Its just the two of us girls and she's 4 years older. She's always been really jealous since Im thinner and had better luck with guys in the past. Last May I was MOH in her wedding and I wanted so badly to make sure her day was extra extra special since she was getting the wonderful wedding that most of us were thinking would never come. I spent over $1000 being her MOH, I had just graduated college and took a part time job on top of my full time job to help pay for my duties in the wedding. I worked between 60-70 hrs each week for her sake. For our bridesmaids dresses in her wedding we paid, 128,148, and 168. We each had a slightly different style but basically the same dress.
Sooo... here's the problem.
I had been messaging my girls different dresses to see what styles they like and we all really liked this one dress. But then my sister suggested we did black dresses instead of fuschia that way we could just go the the store and get them off the rack somewhere. I was fine with that because originally she said she wanted a short dress also. But when she changed her mind and said she wanted a long dress I looked and looked and couldn't find any reasonably priced stores that had a long and short dress style that matched.
So.. I was looking again at the orginal dress that I really really loved in fuschia and decided that was the one I really want my girls to wear. The short dresses were $99 but the long version of the dress was $199. Well I think that too much for a dress so I found one very similar but not exact from the same designer that is $159. I should also note that all of my bridesmaids, but not MOH, kept telling me that it is my wedding and I should just choose a dress and they will wear it. So I emailed my mom and sister the links to the 2 dresses and said I finally made my decision on the dresses because I really love these dresses.
Well... as I was walking out of work I got a call from my sister. As soon as I said "Hello?" I got an ear full of screaming!!!!! She was like, you expect me to spend $159 on a bridesmaids dress?!!?!? How dare you make a decision without talking to me first! And on and on and on... it got so bad I started crying and then she hung up on me.
Mom said she talked to my sister and offered to help pay for the dress because the dresses are beautiful and would look wonderful on all of the ladies. Ugghh I just don't know.. she hasn't called to apologize for screaming at me and I know she won't which means I will see her at Thanksgiving and not know what to say to her... she's been bullying me my entire like but I honestly didnt think that she would be so mean about my own wedding!!! Am I the one in the wrong here????
@LLRininger: Try and talk it out with her. Share that you had done your best to be a good MOH and not once complained about money to her. If she keeps acting childish and doesn't apologize, you may need to find a new MOH.
@LLRininger: WHOA! Sorry you're dealing with this.
I've got to say in the first paragraph you sound a little harsh towards your sister, but that could just be what you're currently going through with her rubbing off.
I'd remind her (once she's calmed down!) that that is a good average price for a BM dress (and in fact it's right in the range of what people paid for dresses in HER wedding). Nice of your Mom to offer to help to settle the dispute.
You went above and beyond getting another job to participate in sister's wedding and it does sound like she's trying to run yours a little, not that this is right of her, but she may think she's "helping" because she already went through all of this and is married.
Yikes! To be perfectly honest though, I think you both are in the wrong. You really should have asked her before you looked at dresses what her and the rest of your BMs' budgets are. It's pretty clear that you were trying to keep costs down, but sometimes even $100 is too much for someone to pay. Having said that, I think your sister was waaay out of line calling you up and yelling at you. She should have expressed her concern in a much more calm and rational matter.
I think moving foward, I would be the bigger person and call your sister and apologize for not getting her budget beforehand. I would then get her budget and either find a dress within that price range or offer to cover the difference. Hopefully when you do this your sister will apologize for overreacting. If not, I would do my best to let it go and not involve her in any other wedding details.
Good luck!
When I was talking to her on the phone I told her that we paid just as much for her bridesmaids dresses and she just kept saying that was "Their decision" because my dresses was the cheapest since it was short. I also told her she could wear the short dress for $99 if she wanted. I know she doesnt like her legs but she wears short dresses to other events so I dont think its a big deal. I have been tempted to demote her to BM and have my best friend be MOH because I know she would be soooo much more supportive and caring rather than demanding and bullying but I know how my sister is. If I demoted her she would drop out of the wedding and never speak to me again. There is not a doubt in my mind that that is exactly what she would do.
I dont mean to sound harsh but my sister is just a mean person. That is why my parents and I thought she would never get married. She doesnt know how to be nice most of the time, and especially when it comes to me. She has always been horrible to me but I thought that now that we are older we could finally have a normal sister relationship. I have tried so hard the past few years but when I think things are going good, something like this happens. :(
I have been sending the girls links to dresses for months. I asked them all what their budgets were but no one would give me a clear answer. The dress that was $99 was the one that we ALL loved. But that was before she decided she wanted a long dress. Everyone just kept telling me to make a decision and whatever I choose would be fine!
As a PP said I think you were both wrong. I get sister dynamics can be hard, I have two but be the adult and calmly talk to her about the dress. I don't think having your mom play interefence is going to help.
I hope you re-read your comments on your sister:
" My sister is a little on the heavy side but none of my other bridesmaids are"
"She's always been really jealous since Im thinner and had better luck with guys in the past."
"my sister is just a mean person. That is why my parents and I thought she would never get married."
You seem to be pretty hasrsh towards her as well.
@LLRininger: I feel for you. I am sorry you have to be going through this. This is suppose to be your time and people that are in your party should be supportive and caring, specially your MOH.
I think you should wait few days and have a serious conversation on how you feel and that this shouldn't be so hard. Tell her you love her and that you are really trying to accomodate her, but this is your wedding and your choices and ask for more support and understanding on her part.
Looks to me that your sister is makign this about her rather then stepping away and lettign you have the light.
Good Luck.
@MrsMeNow: totally agree.
I was reading this and thought YIKES. OP, YOU sound like the mean person.
Pull out the reciept from the money you spent on being her MOH and ask her again if she has a problem. then to shut up and pass the stuffing
Sistership is tough. both sisters have the capasity to be horrible bitches to each other.
@ltcolumbo: How am I the mean person? Just because Im being honest? My parents and I never said to her face that she wasnt going to get married, it was just a genuine concern for her. And Im sorry if you think I'm the one being mean when my sister who is 4 years older (and 3X's my size for the majority of my life) used to beat the crap out of me when my parents werent home and then bribe me or threaten me if I showed my parents the bruises!! I love my sister but SHE is the mean one and everyone in my family knows it. She has been bullying me my entire life and Im just getting really sick of it!!
@LLRininger: used to beat the crap out of me when my parents werent home and then bribe me or threaten me if I showed my parents the bruises
Did this happen recently or something?
@Sapphire-Dreamer: Lol! "...and pass the stuffing." +1 Agreed!
I would either tell her for her to buy her own dress to her liking and not care what she gets just to keep her from arguing with me for every little thing. That's if you're not picky about what she wears.
Or get her budget, pay the difference or take your mom up on her offer to help.
Demote her to BM or don't have her in the wedding at all. If you don't care about the consequences of doing that.
Ignore her on Thanksgiving day if she starts bringing up the wedding in a negative way.
Just have a talk with her and express everything you're feeling and good or bad, at least everything is out in the open. what more can you do.
disagree. first statement - fact, and explains why her sister doesn't want her legs showing; nowhere did she say that being heavy was a bad thing, just that it made her and her other girls on different pages re: bm dresses. and then said that she would accomodate that by letting her have a different one.
other two statements - a little mean, but she's caught up in emotion and it's how she's interpreted her sisters' past actions. true? maybe, maybe not. but i think it highlights the dysfunction in the this relationship more than it serves as proof that she's a bitch.
@OP - the sentence that jumped out to me was "My sister and I dont really get along." everything past that just goes to reinforce that sentiment. WHY would you have someone you don't get along with in your wedding party? not to mention she's been "bullying [you your] entire life". if that was my sister she wouldn't even be invited - why force a relationship that clearly doesn't exist? it is your prerogative however.
at this point, i'd give her options: same dress, longer dress, sit it out. tell her how much effort you put into making hers better/easier, and then tell her while you don't EXPECT her to do the same for you, you DO expect her not to make it more stressful, and to act in a more rational manner going forward; while she's welcome to voice concerns, throwing temper tantrums will get her removed in the future (you don't have to say that last bit if you don't want to - but do tell her it's unreasonable, immature, not a stressor you're signing up for, and then seriously consider what you'll do if she throws another hissy fit)
@MrsMeNow: I know it sounds harsh but I just wanted everyone to get a clear picture of whats going on. In high school she dated 1 guy, for a couple weeks. Before her husband she dated 1 other guy with 2 kids and he broke up with her after a year. She even admits that she hates that Im skinnier than her. Im a size 2 and she's a size 12, its just always been that way, I have a different body type than her. My parents were seriously concerned that she would always be alone because she refused to go on dates. She never left her house and her friends were all married. I know it all sounds harsh but its just flat out the TRUTH!! I'm not trying to be mean, I just think it helps to know the full story. Im not mean or vain, Im just being honest.
I really have no advice but wanted to put in my 2 cents worth on the fact that just because of some things being said it does NOT mean you are a mean person. Just frustrated!
I can understand how you feel about your sister being a mean person. My sister is the same way! I have went out of my way my entire life to help her with whatever I could.
Because of an illness when I was younger, I got a lot of attention from my parents because of doctors appointments and such. To this day my sister still resents ME because of it,( keep in mind she is 42 and I'm almost 40) and sadly until this last year, I kept going back for more. I finally just got to the point where I realized she is NOT a good person and I won't go out of my way to be a part of her life.
I'm not saying cut her out of your life, but rather take deep breaths and do your best!
PS I get how hard it is when sis would beat the crap out of you... My sister once hit me with a vacuum cleaner. Yes a full sized vacuum!
@sportsgal31: No, she hasnt hit me in a few years but I was just trying to show that she has always been a bully to me. If its not her way then she has a full out meltdown. Even at 27 years old my mom still has to count the christmas presents because my sister keeps track to make sure I dont get more than her... its pathetic.
What a B! Tell her to buy the $99 short one then, or if she doesnt' like her legs, do something about them (is that mean?! ;) ) I have no tolerance for this kind of crap, after going through hell with my sister over the BM dresses.
OMG just read the xmas present part - sounds JUST Like my older sister!
I have to say IMO you kinda sound mean as well. I get that your frustrated and upset but some of the things you say about your sister comes off as snarky and mean spirited.
Was there really a point to mentioning her being heavier than your other bridesmaids? You could have just said different body types.
As for She has always been really jealous of me because Im thinner, Well if thats the attitude you have had since you were younger I would probably be a little upset too.
I dont mean to sound harsh but my sister is just a mean person. That is why my parents and I thought she would never get married.
First of all just because she doesnt get along with you doesnt mean that she isnt a perfectly enjoyable person to be around. Whether your parents and you ever expected or not for her to get married, if thats the attitude you all have carried around over the years, hell I might be upset too.
Sisters have issues, I have them with my own sister and I would never let her think for one moment she isnt worthy of being married.
Give it a day or two to die down, apologize sincerely, and have an open honest discussion with her.
@LLRininger: If all your posts after the OP are true, why did you make her your MOH... or even a BM for that matter?
EDIT: And now you're calling size 12 girls fat, I'm out! (being a size 12 and all...)
She can either pay more money for the longer dress, or she can pay $99 for the short dress. It's just ONE DAY, and unless she has some sort of religious issue, disfigurement, or neurosis about her legs for which she's in therapy, she can wear a short dress and cope with it. From what you've said, it's not as if she'd be squeezing a size 18 body into a size 12 dress -- it's a question of how much of her legs are covered. You've been flexible enough and provided enough options to make her comfortable. Your wedding is not about her preferences.
@waitingalongtime: Thank you for understanding! Im not saying I dont love my sister, we're both selfish at times. But I just dont see how she can think its okay to scream at my for 20min about something in MY wedding. I did everything possible to make her bridal shower, bachelorette party and wedding the very best that it could be! All Im asking is for the same consideration. If she had come to me in a polite and civilized way and just said, that's out of my budget, then this wouldnt even be a problem!! I just cant believe that as an adult and after all that I've done for her she would treat me like this!
@LLRininger: No, you are not wrong at all. I think $159. for a MOH dress is quite reasonable, though I realize it may depend on your region. Still, that is no excuse for her to scream at you and behave so poorly. Your mom offered to help her pay for it so that takes care of that. She owes you an apology. You found a dress that matched her need and something you like. Period. She has nothing to b*tch about except her own pent up resentment of you and that is HER problem and fault for holding such negative energy inside her.
Stand up for yourself at Thanksgiving. Be cordial, go up to her, hug her say hello. SHE is in the wrong, so you have nothing to worry about.
I was particularly intruiged by your statement that she's bullied you all your life. It is time to put an end to that. Smile. Kill her poor behavior with kindness.
@mchitt329: I never ever ever ever said she was fat!!! I said she was bigger than my BMs! And I made her my MOH because I was her MOH in May and she's my only sister! Family is more important than anything to me. I love her to death I just wish she could be nice to me! If I hadnt made her my MOH it would have torn my whole family apart and I dont want to lose her over something that is supposed to be wonderful!! :(
@LLRininger: No, you're right you didn't outright call her fat. You said:
"on the heavy side"
"I'm thinner"
"3xs my size"
"size 12"
Sounds like YOU and your sister like to play tit for tat, she's not the only mean one from what you're saying. Maybe that's because she bullied you when you were younger and til today, but it's time to grow up.
I don't think you are in the wrong, unless your sister has already mentioned to you that she has a strict budget to stay within on the dress. Otherwise, it sounds like she's just pissy that she didn't get her way for colour and complete control on the dress choice. It's your wedding, you get to pick the dresses they wear and if they have a problem with it then they shouldn't have agreed to be in the wedding.
@MrsMeNow: AGREE.....
And if you think size 12 is fat and a reason for concern that she may never get married, she may just be fed up with being judged so harshly and at her breaking point. No wonder her self esteem is so low... even if you didn't say these things to her face don't you think she felt it? Trust me... she did.
You are angry at her for behaving as you've said she always has... and not being the MOH you'd hoped for ... you shouldn't have asked her to be MOH in the first place!
I don't think the OP sounds mean, she just sounds frustrated. I doubt the things she said here she would tell her sister (or she's get beat up for it) she just wanted us to see the whole picture.
OP, My sister is a train wreck with a bad attitude. I used to stress over it and try and help her to change. I realized I couldn't change her no matter how hard it was to watch her be her own worst enemy. Now I just accept her for the mess she is, help her when I can and try not to be offended when she acts like she doesn't care about me.
Guys, guys. Chill here. The sister's weight is relevant because it has to do with how comfortable she feels in the dresses chosen for more petite women. That detail is crucial for getting to why we have this issue over long dress/short dress. The OP gave her sister a long dress option because of her sister's body image.
Does the OP sound frustrated and a little catty with her sister? Are there probably ongoing issues there from childhood? Yes -- but if she called me and screamed at me for 20 minutes after I tried to find an option that would work for her, I'd be pissed too. I don't believe that the OP said that her sister's weight was an issue related to getting married or not -- it was her negative attitude (exemplified in feelings about her sister, but also in some other issues).
Also: size 18/20 lady here, just in case anyone tries to tell me that I don't know what it's like in plus sizes. The last BM dress I wore made me look kinda like a linebacker -- but guess what? It wasn't about me. So I wore it.
@CindyRelly: When did I ever say she wouldnt get married because she was a size 12? We were concerned because (like i said before) she refused to go out and she rarely left her house except for work! I never say a thing about her weight because its none of my concern. I could care less what size she was! She however, gets mad at me for being the size I am! Like its somehow MY fault that she has a different body type than me!
Everyone needs to back off on the size thing! The only reason I even mentioned it was because THAT is the reason she wanted a long dress!! Her size is HER concern, not mine. And just for the record, she has health problems because of her weight, she has high blood pressure and high cholesterol (and our family has a history of heart issues). So yeah, being a size 12 may not be what some consider "fat" but its definately not healthy!!! I am getting really frustrated with all the people who cant read the real problem and keep getting hung up on the fact that I said she's bigger than me!
Regarding the weight/dress length issue: I did not think that you sounded mean or judgemental about your sister's weight, and I think you were right to let her wear a length that is comfortable for her, rather than the shorter style.
I completely disagree with a few points that PPs made. For one thing, you should NEVER demote a bridesmaid. If your MOH does not wish to be your MOH, she can voluntarily remove herself. However, a MOH is not an employee that you can demote - if you did this to your sister or anyone else the relationship would likely be ruined.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but what you spent on her wedding is moot. Perhaps she does not have the disposable income that you do (or did at the time of her wedding). Or perhaps she is simply unaware of the exact dollar amounts you spent on whatever showers, bachelorette parties, etc. that you payed for. I could certainly speculate, but I did not ask any of my BMs how much they spent on those events.
If you and your sister have such a horrible relationship, as you have described, why did you ask her to be in your wedding party to begin with? I get that you were in hers, but these things are not tit-for-tat. Could you not have forseen that she would behave this way?
It sounds like she is being very difficult, especially by screaming at you over the phone. However, you say that your other BMs are so easy going and will wear whatever you choose because it's your wedding... but the dresses you have approved for your sister to wear (longer style) are well over the price the other girls are paying for theirs. I get that she is choosing to wear a long dress, but there are plenty of long dresses available for $99. Check out David's Bridal if you haven't already. I think you can still reach a compromise on this.
I don't think you are the only one in the wrong, but one piece of advice - lower your expectations. Being a MOH is an honor. It means that there is no one the bride would rather have by her side when exchanging her vows. But it does not require a several hundred (or over a thousand dollar) budget, nor does it require that the MOH do anything at all other than show up. Of course it is nice when those things do happen, but given your sister's personality and your strained relationship with her, I think it is unrealistic to expect her to kill you with kindness just because you are getting married.
@Jer72: I agree.
I think the OP just didn't word her first post, I don't think she meant to be insulting. Sometimes it's hard to express yourself when writing.
OP, have a talk with your sister. Maybe you can get an idea where her anger is coming from and let her know that you really want her to be part of this wedding, but that you don't appreciate being yelled at. You are both adults and her screaming at you is childish.
Also, $159 for a bridesmaid dress is totally reasonable. If she was that upset she could have talked to you and maybe you could have helped her pay for the dress.
@LLRininger: I'm sorry people are twisting your words around. You are just stating facts. I had friends that always called me a skinny bitch because I am shorter and smaller than them size/weight wise. That always bothered me when they called me that, but I never called them fat. They would make fun ofthemselves for being over weight. No matter how you put it, I think people get offended way too easily. IDK, maybe because you mentioned her weight a few times. Did it make it right for them to call me a skinny bitch, in front of people too and make fun of me.
You never said fat and never made her weight an issue of yours. I would just let her pick out her dress herself, so she has nothing to complain about.
@village_skeptic: I agree. PP's need to stop attacking the OP. I also think the OP's family thinking her sister would never get married has to do with the sister not being interested in dating or going out much as the OP stated as well as her negative feelings towards the treatment she received growing up.
Sisters can be frustrating to no end, and we don't always agree with their choices. The OP's sister is being a brat, flat out brat. She initially agreed to wear a short dress of OP's choosing, then decided she suddenly wasn't comfortable with that so she requested a long dress. OP gave in to the request because it was a comfort issue. Then the Sister attacked the colour choice and tried to force her desire for a black dress on her. OP decided to stick to her guns and pick the fusia dress that offers a long version and short version and evens offers a similar and cheaper option in long. So the sister decides to throw a temper tantrum.
OP, I don't think anything you have said is really mean, it shows a negative history of growing up together with a sister that throws temper tantrums or bullies others to get her way. What you said sounds like it comes from frustration of years of putting up with this behaviour. Her being heavier then the other BMs was relevant to her comfort of short dresses and her not being comfortable with her legs while standing next to smaller girls in front of a large group of friends and family that I'm sure all know her as well.
As for you inviting her to be your MOH inspite of your negative history growing up. I am guessing it was expected by not only your sister, but also your parents that your sister would be in the wedding and be MOH. Some families just have those expectations/requirments for these ype of things.
@LLRininger: I pointed out the way you talk about her so that maybe you can see that you might not treat her the best either. I honestly get how hard it is having sisters that yes physically hurt you, or might not be the nicest growing up. I have a sister that has psychiatric problems and is an alcoholic and my other sister although younger use to beat the shit out out of me. But eventually someone needs to grow up and let go of it all.
Treat her as you would if it were your friend who was MOH, talk about the dress options and her budget. Find a dress that works and call it a day. If that can't be done tell her you love her and would understand if she wanted to attend as a guest. And if she gets worked up then let her. It is hard, but once you are able to rise above the drama I promise life gets so much easier.
@village_skeptic: Yes, it was relevant the first time it was mentioned... not the next two times.
I know you're trying to paint the picture of your lives together OP but you're just bullying her back (and not only on the weight issue, I just took personal offense to that).
I'm sure if she read this post she'd be in tears like you were when you were on the phone with her.
Oy, ppl are getting sensitive today. I never read her comments regarding her sister's weight as calling her "fat." But honestly, hello, when you put a size 2 person next to a size 12 person, there is a large difference (no pun intended). I'm a size 12 (10 on a good heatlh kick). Anyway, regarding the dresses, if she were my MOH and acted that way, I would tell her that the price is comparable to what her BMs paid for their dresses and in no way super expensive when compared to the average wedding. If you want her to wear that dress, tell her to suck it up. If you are fine with her wearing the short dress, tell her that is the only other option. Either she will get one of the dresses or bow out...and is that so bad, if she does, considering she is awful to you in the first place?
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