Post # 1
Blah. I need some help.
My Maid/Matron of Honor is one of my best friends since high school. Unfortunately, she really hasn’t been doing anything that a typical Maid/Matron of Honor is suppose to do. She isn’t planning the shower, another bridesmaid is, let’s call her Z. The Maid/Matron of Honor said that she was too busy to plan the shower since she works a lot and was doing other stuff or something, so Z volunteered to plan it.
The Maid/Matron of Honor also isn’t planning the bachelorette party, because, well, I don’t know why. She just isn’t taking the time. She is kind of a self-centered person (and she is the first to admit it) so I think she just isn’t trying to make the time to plan it, so, of course, Z decided to take the initiative with it.
Maid/Matron of Honor is now pregnant (only by a few weeks) and is now really not doing much at all. She doesn’t feel well a lot of the time, so whenever I ask her to hang out, or go shopping for wedding stuff, she backs out or doesnt text me back. So whenever Z is in my hometown, she will do whatever she can to take me out and talk wedding stuff. the Maid/Matron of Honor never asks me anything about planning, and when I am stressed and try and vent, she doesn’t listen.
I don’t know what to do. I understand that Maid/Matron of Honor is busy with her own life but should I now ‘promote’ Z? Should I make Z the Matron of Honor and still have my best friend as MOH? Or, is Z just doing it out of the goodness of her heart, and knowing that if she doesn’t, it wont get done… I guess I’m asking, does she need to be recognized? or Are my “Thank You’s” enough?
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2012 - Parkwood International Golf Course
I say promote Z but keep Maid/Matron of Honor as well. It should make your life a lot easier. I have both my sister and my best friend as co-MOH and it has made my life so easy.
Post # 4
Totally promote her! It will vindicate her kind volunteer work and let her know that you appreciate and hold her in high esteem. How very sweet of one of your BFFs to humbly do the work needing to be done instead of being spiteful and reiterating that is the MOH’s job and making you feel like you’re even more alone and have made a wrong choice.
I would also recommend asking (gently) if your current Maid/Matron of Honor still wants to be such…
She has a lot going on and all but maybe she doesn’t really want the pressure or title anyway so it could give her a chance to NOT step down gracefully and then you wouldn’t have ONE Maid/Matron of Honor doing everything and another simply having the title.
Its up to you, but I would definitely promote Z and let her have some shine.
Post # 6
Well first of all, I’m sure Z is just doing all of this out of the goodness of her own heart and doesn’t expect to be promoted. But I don’t see a problem with making her a second Maid/Matron of Honor if you want to. If you would rather not have 2 MOHs for whatever reason, that’s ok, just be sure to give her an extra special thank you for all of her help. However, if you do decide to promote her, do not demote your current Maid/Matron of Honor or ask if she still wants to be a Maid/Matron of Honor. That’s a very rude thing to do and would seriously damage your relationship. Also, showers and parties are gifts, not requirements, and your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t have to plan anything. So just make sure you don’t hold her lack of party planning against her.
Post # 7
I would advise against promoting Z. Yes, she is throwing your shower and bachelorette, that’s great – but it isn’t a requirement for a Maid/Matron of Honor or a bridesmaid. It is a gift that they can choose or not choose to give.
Promoting Z will make your current Maid/Matron of Honor feel like crap because you added Z afterwards, and will make Z feel her promotion is an afterthought. You don’t ask the woman you think will do the most work to be Maid/Matron of Honor. You ask the friend who you’d call at 3 AM to hide a body.
As for your MOH’s pregnancy – pregnancies can be really rough, especially the first trimester. If she’s feeling sick the last thing she may want to do is go shopping. Can you imagine being sick in a mall bathroom? Gross. Cut her some slack. Peoples’ lives don’t stop because their friend gets married. And bridesmaids are not required to go wedding shopping.
Post # 8
@futuremrsfitz18: Hmm, the who would you call when you are in a pickle would definitely be Z and not my Maid/Matron of Honor. Ugh, I dunno, maybe I am having Maid/Matron of Honor regret… Z is just a better ‘friend’ the kind of person who will drop anything for someone else and stay up late if I needed to talk.
I always thought you choose your Maid/Matron of Honor based on friendship, not on what they do for you and things like that. I chose my Maid/Matron of Honor because we have been friends forever, through thick and thin, but in all honesty, she is self-centered and I always knew it (and she knows it) but I guess I didnt consider that when choosing my party. I also know that since we are ‘BFFs’ she would have murdered me if I didnt ask her to be Maid/Matron of Honor.
She doesnt ever help me with any problems/arguements that me and the Fiance may have, she just doesnt really care much to invest time in things that dont involve her directly. Where Z is the exact opposite… the most I’ve seen my Maid/Matron of Honor participate was during Bridesmaid or Best Man dress shopping because she wanted to find a dress that “would make her boobs like best”
Maybe I should have picked Z from the beginning? Her and I are very close too, though, Z has always felt jealous of my Maid/Matron of Honor and mine’s relationship. So it’s like an awkward friendship triangle. If I would have decided in the beginning to not have my Maid/Matron of Honor be my Maid/Matron of Honor, our friendship would have ended, shes that kind of girl. Z could careless if she is or isn’t recognized, but, I guess maybe I am regretting my decision, as I am seeing what it’s like to feel like you need someone to depend on, and my Maid/Matron of Honor really isnt doing it.
I guess I’m really questioning what the title of Maid/Matron of Honor means….
And I completely agree with you, that it is a gift that they throw me parties, but what is difficult is that the Maid/Matron of Honor offers to do things and then when push comes to shove, she doesnt follow through and someone else decides to step in. I understand as well that she is pregnant and her body is going through hard things and that life doesnt stop when planning a wedding. but I have been engaged for a year and a half, she really hasnt done anything even before she was pregnant. And Im not sayin I need her to go shopping with me every day, but all I ask is that she give me some emotional support when I need it, I understand I cant hold it against her if she is too busy to planning things.
Post # 9
Reading your second post, you are right that perhaps you should have asked Z to be your Maid/Matron of Honor instead. But that ship has sailed. Your current Maid/Matron of Honor will likely have her feelings hurt if you ‘promote’ Z (a term that really should only be used in a paying job, not when you’re in a bridal party) and Z already knows that you have your Maid/Matron of Honor, and you adding her could make her feel like a second choice. Even if you say “You’ve been so helpful, be my MOH!” she could see it as only being asked BECAUSE she is doing so much for you, not because of the friendship.
Post # 10
I agree with PP; if you feel it is right, I would ask “Z” to also be a Maid/Matron of Honor. Howvever, since you already asked Maid/Matron of Honor to be Maid/Matron of Honor, you can’t really ask her not to be. Just think back to the reasons why you asked her in the first place, and realize that she (as you already knew) wasn’t going to be the Maid/Matron of Honor of the year. But clearly you still love her. And “Z” sounds like she really cares about you and everything leading up to your day being great, so she sounds like an amazing, genuinely great friend…another great Maid/Matron of Honor choice. 🙂
EDIT: I read another post after I responded, and I still support doing what you feel is right. Just be honest through it all…Maid/Matron of Honor can’t really give you the support you hoped for/need, and “Z” is. So while you have your MOH/BFF, “Z” has also became one because of her actions and help, and the close friendship you have with her. If Maid/Matron of Honor is upset, so be it. If she is the one who self admits she’s self-centered, then she shouldn’t be surprised when her “BFF” asks others for help because she has not been there.
Post # 11
Have you seen that scene is “Bridesmaids” where Maya Rudolph ttells Kristin Wig that helen is taking over the planning because Kristin Wig seems really stressed out because of what is going on in her life?
You need to have one of those, but preceed it with asking her about her commitment and explaining what YOUR expectation were. Maybe your Maid/Matron of Honor was unaware of the things that she should do, according to etiquette. She may not be a traditional person. maybe she doesn’t understand that there are important expectations.
It’s a rough coversation to have, and while this is one of the most joyful times of your life, it is also one of the most stressful. I personally think that bridesmaids should provide support, and promoting Z is appropriate because she clearly deserves it.
Also, there is no rule that says you can’t have two MOHs.