Post # 1
I just got engaged in June. I am the only daughter in my family and my mom is super excited for the wedding planning. Mind you..I am paying for my wedding. This all started when I was trying to figure out my wedding party. My mom suggested to have my fiances two younger cousins in the wedding. I agreed with it because I have a younger brother. She then proceeded to say how I can have my brothers two friends in the wedding and her friends daughter as the flower girl. I told her I wasn’t too sure about it, but she kind of made it a done deal and had told everyone already. I wasn’t too happy about this. I eventually came up with my own wedding party (I don’t have a lot of girlfriends). My mom FLIPPED out because none of HER family was in the wedding party and she threatened not to come to my wedding if I didn’t change it..so I did. This is just the first incident.
The next incident is when we went to go look at a venue. I thought the venue was pretty, but my fiance and I are doing this on a low budget. We are both paying for the wedding and don’t have a lot of money to fork out for this wedding. So we went to a different venue. The event coordinator was awesome and was willing to work with our low budget. The venue was really nice inside and have all the accomodations that we needed. My mom was very snippy and told me that she doesn’t like it because it isn’t the one SHE picked out.
She also says things like “Well..I don’t like those flowers. We won’t have that in the wedding.” or “there will be no kids at the wedding. They can hire a babysitter”.
Nothing against my mom. I love her to death, but I feel like she is trying to take over my wedding. I am trying to keep her involved in the wedding planning because I know that she is very excited, but anytime I say to her that I don’t like something or if I don’t go with her suggestion she gets mad at me. I have cried countless times over this. This is supposed to be a happy time and right now I am miserable. I hate planning anything because I always feel like it’s going to end up in an arguement with my mom.
Post # 3
@maxzeen: you need to remind her that YOU and your FI are paying for the wedding. So she has no say in venue because you are not going to go into debt for a wedding.
Your wedding party should consist of people that are near and dear to you, not because they are HER family. SHe is not the one getting married. You should re-think who is in your wedding party. Do you really want to look back on pictures and regret who was in your wedding party?
You can tell her this nicely, she seems like my mom where if you disagree with her, you are evil lol and she threatens me when she doesn’t get her way. Its like who is the child here?
Post # 4
@maxzeen: First, you need to have the wedding party YOU want. Tell those new people you are sorry but for budget reasons you’ve decided to change the party.
Second, learn the art of “mmhmm”, “thank you for the suggestion Mom” and/or the art of already securing what YOU want, signing contracts and making purchases and then telling her your final decision.
Third, you need to talk to your mother and lether know she is hurting you. Do NOT give in to her emotional blackmail. If she threatens not to come, just say “Im sorry we will miss you that day”. She is doing that because she knows you will give in to her.
My mother did it. My older female family members did it. It came to a point where I planned the wedding on my own. I went to appointments by myself. Do that if you have to.
Or give her something small to do, like look for your guest book or wedding album.
Post # 5
@maxzeen: If you can, hire a wedding planner or have your FI go with you looking for ideas.
Post # 6
@maxzeen: I am going through the same thing and it pisses me off. I have picked out pretty much everything and I get …. “I don’t like that” “That is ugly” ect. and I have learned to follow what LuvMySailor says 🙂 It is way easier even though I still get the remarks afterward
Post # 7
My mom has been the same way throught my planning process. I want her involved as much as possible but when it came to a decision, she always wanted to keep showing me new ideas and changing what was set in stone. It ended up coming down to just my FI going to all of our appts alone, saying to people we as a couple wanted to make the decision. It is after all our day. She has been much more respectful of my decisions since and we are finding other ways to include her so she doesn’t feel left out. Planning the wedding shower, gift opening day, or including her on a DIY task are ways we have been including different people back into the wedding and it is working wonderfully!
Post # 8
Do it your way. This is your day! You might have to have a heart to heart with your mom like I am about to… (She is acting up again) … Set her straight and get her on the same page.
Post # 9
My mom has also been like this over details. For example, I had decided on doing a buffet with the caterer and spending about $900 but my mother feels like our wedding doesn’t need a buffet and we should go with finger food trays on a table with no seating!
When she went and bought invitations (non-returnable) in the wrong colour we sat down to have a talk about how I am planning this with a vision and she needs to respect that – it apparently only went in one ear and out the other though!
I’ve figured out a new strategy – only consulting on what I am willing to change. When she starts going on about what should be I just nod and say that I’ll look at the idea. Regardless I will go ahead and either plan/purchase something without announcing it because she’ll of course try to alter my plan. She of course finds out just after the fact when it is too late to have her talk me out of my choices.
They mean well…