Post # 1
I really need some perspective here. I will try to keep this short.
My cousin who is my mothers, brothers daughter has had a somewhat hard life. Her mother was not the greatest, my ex-aunt said and did alot of things to her and she has anxiety and ocd problems, not unlike myself. She hasn’t, had an easy life. Her mother recently passed and she refused to go to her funeral, which I get, we all went and supported my male cousin and visited with her afterwards.
In addition, she is 17 years old and is generally uninterested in anything except her friends. She doesn’t respond to my attempts to reach out to her via email/facebook and deleted me as a blackberry bbm contact as well as deleting my mom.
We are not a close family. I see her a few times a year and she barely speaks to me. Well my mother is seeing this wedding as a healing of families and everyone agrees she is blowing the wedding healing properties out of proportion.
Well, my mother has now told me I must invite my cousin to be a bridesmaid “or else” whatever that means. She said I will greatly hurt her (my mom) if my cousin is not asked. My bridesmaids are all my besties and all around my age.I have tried to tell my mother as someone with anxiety and ocd problems, putting them in the social situation of people they don’t know at events they will have very little to do with it a combo for some major drama/meltdown. My cousin barely makes it to family dinners. I don’t know if its anxiety or lack of interest but she barely participates in our family.
Well I tried to appease my mother and have facebook messaged my cousin several times asking to talk and I can seen she has read my messages but isn’t responding. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.
My parents are contributing 50% to the wedding and Fiance family the other half. I am trying to respect the fact that she is giving money and have allowed her to have a larger wedding then I would have wanted, let her have say in decor and food which was important to her…but I feel like she should back off with who is standing with me. My cousin seems like she could give 2 shits and I don’t want this stress but my mother has told me in no uncertain terms that I am to ask her.
What the hell do I do????
Post # 3
@missjewels: Tell your mother that you get the strangest feeling that since she’s contributing so generously to your wedding she feels entitled to micromanage every little detail, and while you appreciate her generosity and her input on everything so far, the one arena her assistance is not needed is in electing your bridal party.
Post # 4
@missjewels: Tell your mother you are sorry, but you can not accomidate her request and that’s final. You’ve given her enough say in your wedding and that’s all she will get.
If she tries to pull money, cut the wedding down by disinviting all HER guests and go marry your best friend.
Post # 5
Tell your mom that you’d like to compromise and have the cousin do a reading during the ceremony.
Post # 6
My view of bridesmaids is they wear a dress of your choosing on the day, that’s it. So me, I don’t see the harm in asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, as long as you’re not concerned about mismatched sides (i.e. one more or less Bridesmaid or Best Man than Groomsmen, since it sounds like there’s a good chance she’ll drop out). If she says yes, let her. No need to involve her in planning, bridal shower, bachelorette party. Just let her stand in the photos for your mom’s sake. If she says no (like she probably will), problem solved.
Post # 7
I agree with the PPs. You tried to talk to her, and tell your mom that. Say you’re being ignored by her and cannot ask her to be a bridesmaid, but would love to have her do a reading or something like that during the cermony if you can get a hold of her. Tell your mom that being a bridesmaid is a huge responsibility and she also wouldn’t be able to participate in bachelorette parties that are over 21 (or even 18) etc. and that it wouldn’t be fair to require that of her when she has so much going on and is too young, but do try to compromise on a way to get her involved in a small way in the wedding.
Post # 8
Well, your cousin needs a friend and you don’t need a bridesmaid, from what I gather. So… call her. Ask if you can buy her dinner one night and just spend a little time together. Or take her shopping or for a pedicure, whatever she’ll actually do.
Go out and just talk for a little bit. Sounds like you have a lot in common. Let her know that you want to be closer to her, but you understand why she’s withdrawn so much and don’t want to push it. Tell her you’re considering asking her to be a part of your bridal party, but you aren’t sure how she’d react, so you wanted to talk to her about it. Let her know exactly what you told us – that the rest of your girls are all your best friends and you know they’d accept her (make them!) but you wouldn’t want her to feel left out of anything. You also know that it can be uncomfortable to have to stand up in front of everyone and didn’t know if she’d be ok with it. Gauge her reaction. It’ll either be “OMG I’m so glad you didn’t ask me I’d never want to do that” or “OMG I’d love to that would be awesome!” If she wants to, it won’t hurt to add her to your bridal party, right? Maybe she really needs a positive female role model who has their crap together that she can relate to.
In any case – win/win. You can tell your mom you asked and she declined, or she’ll agree tobe in the wedding and hopefully be ok through the wedding planning process.