Weddingbee boards

I would ask your father to grow up and allow you to carry out your wishes for your day. If not, ask your mother to do it and let your dad watch. I don't think you should have to ask your stepmother to do anything just because your father is acting like a giant baby. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this...why are men such whiners?

First, I'd like to say that I'm really sorry for your situation.  It's too bad that families sometimes can't be as friendly as we might want them to be. 

However, I'm not sure what the history is here, and I have to say that I disagree with the other posters.  My FI's ex-wife cheated on him in a very public way, and also in the bed where they slept together.  When he caught her (in their bed with her boyfriend) she left him and the kids, after telling them that the marriage (and the kids) had been the biggest mistake she ever made.  It took him a long time to get over that, and while he's clearly been successful, he's never going to walk down an aisle with her, or even sit at a table with her.

I don't guess that this will necessarily be a problem at his son's wedding, as his son still (6 years later) will still barely be in the same room with his mother.  His daughter is another problem - she has a tendency to want to pretend that nothing had really changed.  However, the facts are that her mom screwed her dad over big time, in a way that's completely unacceptable.  My FI's relationship with his ex is civil, in that they don't fight.  It will never be friendly, because he still feels (and I agree) that her actions were really unforgiveable.  His daughter would really love for us to all be friendly, but that's not up to her.  And for her to ask him to pretend a relationahip that simply doesn't exist - which is how he would see walking her down the aisle with her mom - would be unfair.

And you don't have to feel caught in the middle.  If your dad won't walk with your mom, you are free to walk with him alone, to walk with your mom alone, or to have another male friend or relative walk you.  It is also more and more common to walk with your FI, or by yourself - especially given that the "tradition" of the bride as the property of her family (primarily her father) until given to her husband really no longer exists.

I hope that what you want is just an expression of support from both your parents.  You may have to accept that while they both love and support you, since they are no longer a family, they need to do that separately.  Try to recognize that asking them to "suck it up" for some kind of pretend family photo opportunity may be very offensive to them.  It's equally valid to say that perhaps you need to learn to accept your actual family situation, which appears to be sufficiently civil to allow them to all be in the same room without worry, and find a way for both your parents to support you that works for them too.

I like Option #2.

I actually like #3 quite a bit.  It's very diplomatic - recognizes all the parental figures without trying to pair them up in potentially uncomfortable ways, or choosing one over the other - and lets them all show their love and support. 

And really, while it's you that is getting married, it's a special day for all your family.  Thinking of it as "your day" in which everybody needs to put aside their feeling for your desires is ignoring their feelings, which isn't good. Speaking as a soon-to-be stepmom, and recognizing that my FSD is pretty attached to her mom, I am interested how she will eventually handle this.  I will tell you that, since her mom is almost completely uninvolved in her life (financially or otherwise) I am already the one who makes her doctor's and dentist's appts, makes sure she gets there, helps with her homework, buys her a new dress for a special date, and will undoubtedly be the primary help in planning (and paying for) her wedding.  Honestly, you can say all you want that parents (and step-parents) need to recognize what the bride wants.  But as the bride, you need to recognize (and it sounds like you do) that you have the potential to arrange something that really hurts one or another of your various parents.  And having any one of them remember your wedding day primarily as a slight to them is not going to make for a lot of future happiness.  That's why I think the very best thing is not to play favorites at all - but to recognize everybody equally, if possible.