Post # 1
Today I called my mother to find if any more RSVPs had come their way for the wedding. Today is our deadline day for o ur 10/9/10 wedding!!! 3 weeks, 1 day to go!
My mother informs me that my cousin is coming, plus his new girlfriend. Now, I didn’t know he was dating anyone, nor have I met this woman in my life. My groom and I are right down to the wire on people and space. This is a very small, intimate pretty much family and very close friends only wedding. If I had wanted to invite plus ones, I’d have added “and guest” to his invitation. I did not. In fact, I have, on our website, “unfortunately we are unable to accomodate plus ones (added guests) at this time.” I point blank said he was Not going to bring her, that it was kinda rude, to be honest, and that we just did Not have the space.
At which point my mother told me I was being a bridezilla, told me if I wanted her uninvited (she’s not invited) then I’d have to call the cousin myself. (Parents are hosting). Then she hung up, and I burst into tears. I don’t think I was being a bridezilla, and I’ve worked really hard not to get worked up about things. I take beng called that really hard. Am I in the wrong? Should I invite this woman? And to top it all off, even if I do manage to find a spare seat, what the heck am I supposed to put on the seating chart? “Cousin’s new girlfriend?” I don’t even know her name!
Post # 3
I’m sorry, that’s really frustrating. We had a small wedding (around 85 guests) and my MIL basically forced me to invite her friend’s teenage twin daughters, who I’d never met. I had only ever met the friend once! It was a thorn in my side the entire wedding planning process, I mean, we didn’t invite some of our friends, but these girls were going to be there??
Anyways, the day of the wedding, I didn’t even notice them, or care that they were there. I think if your parents are hosting the wedding and its not an issue of paying for the extra plate, just suck it up and take it gracefully. I’m sure you can squeeze one more chair at their table. Just write “Guest of Cousin’s Name” on the escort card or seating chart. It’s very rude of them, but some people just don’t get it, and its not worth stressing out about.
Post # 4
I say stick to your guns and call your cousins.
Let him know “We can not for financial reasons accomidate your girlfriend. Plus, all the other singles are not brining their SO’s either and it would not be fair.”
Etiquette says that engage couples, married couples, and live-in couples are invited in pairs.
Post # 5
Egh! Sorry your mom called you the ‘b-word’! Your mom shouldn’t have invited the cousin’s girlfriend, especially if you are limited on space. I don’t think you are in the wrong. But that said, at this point with 3 weeks to go, the best way to deal is really just grin and bear it. The headache of calling up your cousin to tell him his gf is uninvited would just make the issue bigger than it needs to be. Just add her as “Cousin’s Guest” to the seating chart and call it a day. Even though it may cramp up space at their table to include her, you won’t be sitting at that table anyway, so I can gaurantee you won’t even notice it on your wedding day.
I gave up on my guest list battles when we were getting close to wedding day, and I’m so glad I did. We invited DH’s uncle who is single, but then we found out from MIL 2 wks before the wedding that he was going to bring his new girlfriend and his 2 kids! There really was no upside in trying to fight it. Plus, one lesson I learned from my wedding was that the more generosity you extend, the more it comes back to you!
Post # 6
Big hugs! I don’t think you’re out of line, but if your parents are hosting and they’re willing to pay for the additional guests – let them. I would remind your mom of the venue size constraints and say that if the cousin’s guest comes that so-and-so (preferably someone close to her) won’t be able to come because the venue can’t accomidate that # of people. Maybe that will help her put numbers into check….or another way is like well mom I’m find with her coming but don’t you think that will make so-and-so angry since they weren’t able to bring a guest?
You’re totally not being a bridezilla!
Post # 7
@Bride109: Oh man. The bridezilla comment was out of line here. I understand your frustration over this plus-one. I just got steamrolled over the no kids rule and had SIXTEEN people added to our guest list (we are now over capacity by 9 people). We are hosting our wedding ourselves and people still have been crazy rude.
I think the biggest point I would make is that whether or not it’s right, your parents are hosting and paying. I know why you would be upset but it’s important to decide which battles to pick. I would tell your mom to please get her first and last name for you so you will have it for the escort card.
Post # 8
I am glad that I posted this, it helped me to see things a little more clearly. True the parents are paying a big chunk of the wedding, so I suppose if they’re saying she comes…I’ll grin and bear it. If it keeps the peace at this point, right? I will contact my cousin and ask for her appropriate name. I’m thinking of gently reminding in casual conversation that it’s a really small, close family/friends wedding, (not big dinner/dance affair) and how much we’re looking forward to seeing those we love and spending time with them. Might be he or she will decide that her attendance isn’t necessarry at this time. If not, ah well.
I’m still hurt over the bridezilla comment, and I would have taken it better but Mom has really not been all that involved/enthused over the wedding process. It was just salt to the wound. I’m trying not to let it ruin the experience. 3 weeks and I marry my sweetie!
Post # 9
Oh lord–I’m really over “bridezilla.” It’s a catchphrase and it gets lobbed at you simply when you are being assertive. How rude.
I agree with PP that you ultimately have to let the girl come–it’s one more guest and it’ll be okay. I’d have a talk wtih your mom, though.
Post # 10
I’m not sure I can answer why you were called a bridezilla. When your mom told you about cousin’ GF, did you kick off and start yelling at her? Did she feel the no guest policy was a bad idea to begin with? I know you don’t feel your mom has been super involved, but apparently she’s handling something with the RSVPs, and might feel like you don’t appreciate it?? Maybe in telling your mom the gf wasn’t invited, she thought you were asking HER to break the bad news to your cousin. Maybe if you can get to the bottom of why she really said it, you both can get past it.
Also, did your mom actually allow the gf, or did your cousin make an assumption or faux pas? (I suppose it’s easier to give guys a pass on some etiquette, especially if most family weddings have included guests). It sounds like some pps were saying your mom invited the gf.
As for this: “I’m thinking of gently reminding in casual conversation that it’s a really small, close family/friends wedding, (not big dinner/dance affair) and how much we’re looking forward to seeing those we love and spending time with them. Might be he or she will decide that her attendance isn’t necessary at this time. If not, ah well.” I wouldn’t recommend saying anything like this. If you want to call and ask for her name, great. If you don’t think you can contain your irritation, then don’t call, just write “guest’. It’s not worth it to be the bigger person, if you do it in a half baked way, and possibly hurt someone’s feelings in the process. Just decide what’s more important, having your cousin there, and taking the gf, or not having any +1s.
But I do think that if you don’t want her there it’s your job to tell them. Your mom shouldn’t have to do it.
Post # 11
Your mother just emotionally blackmailed you. If she finds out that you’ll acquiesce to her every time she calls you a bridezilla, she’ll keep doing it.
I’d probably call the cousin and explain to him that space is limited.
Post # 12
Ugh, I can totally understand why you’re feeling hurt. My sister called me Hitler this weekend because I said I didn’t want her (MOH) wearing a different color than the rest of the BMs. Really?! I hardly think that preferring everyone in the same color is equivalent to genocide…
The label is getting tossed around soooo much and it’s just.not.funny. when it’s slapped on someone who totally doesn’t deserve it.
Post # 13
I’m with lilacwire. Normally I’d say, just invite her to keep the peace. BUT. I’d call your cousin and remind him that due to space restrictions you can’t have plus ones. And oh gosh, it really sucks because you’d love to meet his new girlfriend, and you wish that the place were bigger.