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Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this! That sucks that she spent all the money she was going to give you. But now that you're paying for the wedding yourselves, at least you don't have to give into any of her crazy demands. That is the silver lining, I'd say.
Wow. This really sounds like a case of mother/daughter rivalry to me. (Not on your end, on her end). Perhaps your mom is a tad jealous of you?? I know it seems weird, but some moms are like that. I can't imagine a mother calling her daughter's arms fat in her wedding dress or demanding a head table so she can be "showcased." Sorry, I know it's your mom but that is just pure craziness.
As far as the money goes, yes that is totally screwed up that she did that to you. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it because, like you said, it is her money and she can do with it what she wishes.
If I were you I would have a budget wedding and fund it with myself and my fiance. That way your mother can have NO CONTROL whatsoever over your day.
Good luck hun, and I am so sorry you are going through this :(
Well I think the only thing you can do is move forward knowing that you and your FI are 100% responsible for the wedding. Even if she comes back and offers more money you need to assume she will back out again. DH's family said they would pay for flowers. I gave them the quote, they were still ok with it. Seriously the day before it was due they acted like they had no idea they were suppose to pay for them. It was obnoxious and I was left scrambling. The upside is you can pull the, "It's my wedding and I'm paying for it" card.
WOW. My jaw literally dropped while reading this post. I'm with redheadem....she doesn't have any say in your wedding now. And if you dont want to invite those aunts, she doesn't get to just invite them and pay for them. the wedding is your responsibility (financially speaking), so you get to decide who's invited and who wears what.
I am so sorry. This sounds terrible.
Don't give your mother any type of say with the wedding. I wouldn't even include her in the appointments. Give her a set number or guests she can invite and have a wedding that you and your FI can afford. She sounds like she is looking for attention too and I wouldn't give it to her.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. How strange!
You and your FI are in charge of the entire thing now. . . you make the decisions! It's really quite freeing!
Good Luck with everything.
I'm so sorry to hear all that. I feel really lucky that my mom is as supportive as she is. I can see that happening with my FI's parents, though (about the money, not the demands). They also offered us 10k, but his sister has since gotten engaged and decided to get married right before us. Her and her FI have nothing saved and the bulk of the wedding expenses will likely be paid by his parents. My FI is worried that his parents won't have the money at the end of his sister's wedding to give to us.
We are acting as if we will have to pay for it, and will be thrilled if the money actually comes through.
Thanks for listening to me vent everyone!
I think you're all right when you say that at least I can take comfort in the fact that I am in full control of my wedding.
I just wish she would get (and belive me I've told her) how much this all hurts.
@redheadem: I wonder that sometimes too, which is sad. She's in great shape, she's smart, and such an accomplished person. I think every essay from 5-21 was about how I wanted to be like my mom...but I wonder sometimes if she resents me because she didn't get to do all of the things that I'm doing at my age.
She was married, and had the 5 of us by the time she was 27...meanwhile, I'm 25 I dont have kids, my fiance and I travel, we both have deccent jobs but we only have to take care of ourselves.
Its weird because in retrospect I have no idea why I'm surprised. My mom encouraged me to go to college, offered to pay for that too and then when I was accepted she bought a brand new car- and decided that she was going to use the money to get her bachelors (which I found out that her job paid for in full).
I worked a fulltime job, starting at 17 to pay for college , and when I did finally graduate, she didn't so much as say congrats...
Why doesn't my mom like me! ah!
@Cryssieshine: Hi hun!
You're going to do what I had to do eventually: keep all wedding details to yourself. Stop answering her questions about the wedding and guest list. Inform your brothers about her appointment or call the place and cancel it for them.
Do not give her details of your bach party whatsoever.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this!
@LuvMySailor: That's great advice. I'm sure that'll make it far less stressful
It sounds like your mom likes the idea of giving you a better life (encouraging you to go to college, offering you a wedding) but in the end can't bear to see you getting something she feels SHE deserves more than you.
This is sorta similar to what happened to me, expect it was FMIL who backed out of the money thing. Well, technically I still don't know if she's intending to contribute, but I'm not counting on it. It's a pretty crazy situation and it sucks :( But, I agree with everyone else, you can use the "It's my wedding and my money" card, which is awesome!
Wow, I'm sorry, that is unbelieveable!! To say that she would take care of something and then back out like that on more than one occassion!? I'd be through the roof! How's your relationship with her otherwise? Have you confronted her on why she would make such a promise and then just splurge on something else. Sounds like she's purposely trying to sabotage you! Geez, I just cant understand why any parent would do that to their child. Good for you though for not letting it stop you and still going to college and graduating, and you're still going to get your dream wedding.
Oh my goodness that us so horrible, I'm appalled she would treat and talk to ehr own daughter that way! It really sucks of her to back out on her offer to help financially, but I think the things she is doign to you emotionally - saying your arms look fat, wanting to be showcased at your wedding, you should get married at city hall, you ROBBED her of her childhood (wtf, excuse you for being born?!) are WAY worse! I would probably have a tearful breakdown while asking her how she could be so mean to her own daughter during what should be a happy time.
I wish I had advice, but...wow that is a hard situation. Please just know we are all here for you if you need to share your dress or ideas with people who will actually be supportive! Can your dad or siblings possibly knock some sense into her?!
Anytime I talk to her, she tells me that she has bills to pay, and financial obligations that she shouldnt have to explain, but my father says that they arent struggling and he literally says "you know how your mother is". At one point I thought my dad was just trying to stop me from worry about them, and then he showed me their bank account, and credit scores, so financially they are fine.
My oldest brother (the 2nd child out of the 5 of us) has talked to her, but then she cries and says everyone is ganging up on her, and she gave up her childhood to raise us, and w/o her we wouldnt be where we are- so she deserves to have nice things...
I flat out asked her why did she offer, if she had no intention of giving it to us, and she blamed it on my dad, which is obviously not the case.
I think I'm just going to do what you're all saying and not mention anymore details, cancel the 2nd tux appt. and just send her an invitation when the time comes, since my FI and I are assuming all financial responsibility. Again, thanks for reading my vent session.
Argh I'm so frustrated for you! It sounds like you're handling it really well though. I have no real insightful words of wisdom that haven't already been said. But I'll second pointing out the silver lining that you don't need to accommodate her whims or demands at all!
I would expect it to get worse when you stop including her in so much of the planning, but stick to your guns and don't give in to any guilt trips.
She gave up her childhood to raise you? That's such bull! None of you asked to be born or conceived. Those were her choices. She was 18 when she had you--that's an adult. It's not like she was 12.
@strawbabies: AMEN to that! It's really not your fault that she decided to be a teen mother. Don't listen to that nonsense.
wow. She's really stuck on the whole giving up her 'childhood' thing huh? I was under the impression a childhood was done by 18 anyway but I guess not!
My Mom had me on her 18th bday (and I was a week late!) and would never ever ever say anything like that, I don't beleive she's even capable of being selfish enough to have a thought like that even enter her head.
Let your Mom have all her nice things, with her money, that she has a say in and can do what she likes with. And tell her that you have worked hard to get where YOU are (having given up your 'childhood' to work your way through school) and you deserve to plan your wedding the way you want, as you are paying for it with YOUR money.
Don't share anything else with her except vague things, and I'd shy away from having your Dad and brothers intervene for you - that type of thing usually comes to a bad end regardless. Just ignore her nonsense and laugh about it with friends you can trust when it gets to you. Good Luck!
Wow I thought only men had those type of severe midlife crises. I am so sorry you are going through this. Tell her as little as possible. Be prepared for more drama and more attempts to capture her youth. I am sitting here imagining what she is going to want to wear as her next bit of drama. Don't let any of it phase you. Remember she is doing and saying the these things to gain attention so don't react. (Hugs)
@Cryssieshine: You vent very nicely :)
In addition to not sharing details with her, consider also the simple, "I can't believe you said that" or "That was very hurtful" coupled a flat stare at her if she says she gave up her childhood for you. (You can always elaborate with an "That does not make me feel loved or wanted" but I'd still with the simple statement to get her to think about what she just said.)
I just want to say I'm really sorry for you. The way your mother is treating you is really cruel. 
You don't deserve it. You can't make her change; she has to want to be a better person (and mother) on her own, so personally, I'd do my best to distance myself from her... Stop telling her your plans, stop including her in appointments, don't share details with her, etc. She has to earn the privilege of being included in that stuff, and so far all she has caused for you is stress and heartache.
Is your mother in charge of your parents finances?? Can your dad step up if they can still fulfill the promise she made? Why is he letting her do this to you too???
Wow -- that sucks that she would just back out like that. : / She sounds incredibly selfish. But, like you said, it is her money.
As for all the nasty comments, some of the Bees have recommended in similar situations that you just avoid talking about the wedding with such people. Don't bring it up, and if they do just say "we're still deciding" or something else non-comittal, and change the subject. : ( I know it's not ideal not to be able to talk about your wedding with your mother, but I think that it will bring you less pain in the long run.
@Cryssieshine: I think you and I might have the same mother.
While I am not officially engaged yet, my SO has told everyone, so it's just a waiting game at this point. When I told my mother, she promised that she would contribute 20K (I have four brothers, but like you am the only girl), and I was MORE than grateful. However, she always makes these grand promises, and then decides she is mad at me for some ridiculous reason and backs out. That being said, she hasn't yet, but I am just WAITING for her to drop that on my SO and I. We have been quietly saving on side as well, since we almost expect her to do this (like the time my leftover student loan money came in the mail, and she took it without my knowing and REMODELED THE HOUSE). I now have to pay these loans back, but that's a whole different story lol.
Anyway, I think the best thing for you to do would be to calmly tell her that, if she is planning on backing out, then with all do respect she does not get a say in when, where, or how you have your wedding. It is about you two, not her need to sit at the head table. Also, the fact that she is upset about the bachelorette party, the dress, etc., just shows that she is going out of her way to make this about herself.
Say it with me, "this is my day, and I will not let my controlling mother take it over!"
Now breathe, and think about how lucky you are to be marrying the man of your dreams :)
FMIL doing this to me now, but not as directly. When we got engaged they said they would "help out." I know for a fact they contributed x amount to his brothers wedding. We were hoping for about half of that for ours, but now that we asked them, she is being all wishy washy after we paid for the deposit on the hall.
I'm kind of freaking out because there's no way we can afford the wedding on what my parents are giving us. We are going to have to pull money from our personal savings (we made a seperate wedding fund account, we were contributing some of our own money already) which is scary because FI is unemployed 2 months out of every year and we need the money for bills during those months. I guess at least we can pay for the wedding in cash and not have debt from it but if we had known that they might not give us that money we would have had a smaller wedding.
WOWOW :( I am so sorry. this actually made me tear up. This is actually why I asked my dad upfront before I started planning. what they would be willing to assist us with because i didnt want to start planning a huge wedding and then come to find out we would have to get a loan since everything was booked and they wouldnt be able to assist. and then on the other hand i didnt want to plan for a SMALL wedding and then them be upset it wasnt what they exapected and hurt that we didnt ask for them since they have been saving up for it.
ahhhh such a tough situation.. TRY not to let it bother you, I know it will because she is the one who offered it and then took it back and didnt tell you, you had to find out in other ways, and then not she is making these comments.
Are you still going to be able to have the wedding at this venue?
Ahh i am so sorry! :( xoxoxoxoxoxo
Ewww this sounds a lot like my friends mom. She has always been jealous of her (for whatever reason) when she does things that are good for herself and her future.
I'm sorry your mom backed out when she clearly offered to help pay. I would understand if there was a financial problem or a medical emergency or something that happened that she couldn't afford it and there was nothing she could do, but she went and bought expensive material items that probably won't mean nearly as much to anyone as it would to you, had she put her money towards a wedding for her daughter. That's sad :(
I agree with @pinkshoes:, is there a way your dad can have a say since he said they are fine financially? I wonder too why he isn't doing anything about it.
Your mom will probably be hurt not being involved if you don't include her with details but you aren't in any way obligated to have her help or get her opinion when she did not contribute financially.
I still can't wrap my head around this post. It's pretty crazy. Maybe one day she'll come around. GOOD LUCK!! Don't let your mom bring you down!
I think maybe her backing out of contributing was actually a blessing in disguise. If she's this crazy about a wedding she isn't paying for, can you imagine how bad it would be if she were signing the checks?!
Hang in there :o)
My friend's mom offered to pay for most of her wedding, griped that it got "out of control" cost-wise (it didn't), complained and complained about costs and demanded her daughter cut thousands out of the budget SHE had given... then went and got herself a boob job and a designer dress at Nieman's to wear to the wedding. Classily low-cut, of course.
And, interestingly enough, this friend's mom also started having her kids at 18. It really does seem like a jealousy thing - except with appliances instead of boobs.
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Has anyone ever had a parent back out of paying for their wedding?
I'm the oldest of 5 kids, the only daughter, and for years my mom has been talking about how she cant wait for my SO and I to get engaged.
We finally did last October, and I have to say that I was one of those girls who was looking at places the weekend after I was engaged.
Well my mom found my wedding book, and she sat me down because she knew weddings were expensive but had no idea they were this costly. She said to me (now, I never asked her for money) that she had 10K to give me towards my wedding. Needless to say I was beyond overjoyed- especially since my fiance and I are also saving for a house right now. My mom just told me to let her know when we found a place, and who to make the deposit or checks out too, and we'll keep track of it.
So... I found my venue on December 10th. I called her super excited, because we saw the Renaissance Marriott in Providence, fell in love, and it was in our price range. I told her that they needed 2K deposit, but they were putting a "soft hold" on the date for me until after the holidays so we can give the deposit then.
A few days later I was at my moms talking to one of my brother's girlfriends about the space, and my mom says that she has "no idea" where we are getting the money from, and she doesnt understand why we wont go to City Hall, and be smart.
I ignored the comment until my brother's girlfriend left, and when I asked her about it- she said that she had other obligations so unfortunately she would not be contributing.
I found out from my brothers, and dad that she decided that she wanted to have a "nice Christmas" this year, and so over the span of 2 weeks in December she spent all 10K that she planned on giving me for the wedding.
Now- just as a quick FYI- my parents havent shopped for Christmas in at least 5 years. They have always felt like Christmas is about family and not about presents.
So... I asked my mom if it was true, and she said that she never gets to do anything nice for herself, so she used the money to buy a brand new laptop, fridge, stove, truck bed for my dad, mini fridges for the my brothers, and a surround system for their bedroom (to name a few things).
Obviously theres nothing I can do, because it's her money and she gets to spend it as she sees fit, but why did she offer it to me? Has anyone ever had a parent decide that they "changed their mind" and didn't want to help pay for the wedding? How did you react?
To make it worse, she has crazy opinions on everything; and she prides herself in being "blunt" when she's really incrdibly rude.
For example:
She told my dad that it hurt her that we arent doing a head table, because she wanted to be showcased at the wedding (we're just doing a sweetheart table, and i've never heard of the parents being at the head table anyway).
The day I went to buy my dress, she decided that it wasnt flattering because my arms are too big (thats another post here).
She thinks that it's my MOH's responsibility to plan and pay for my shower and dress. She fully expects to come to my bachelorette party, and when I said that it'd probably be just a low key thing with me and my girls she freaked, because I robbed her of her childhood so I shouldnt take this away from her (she had me at 18).
She's mad because my brother's (who are not in the wedding party, and are fine with it-) aren't wearing the same tuxes as the groomsmen, so she has made a separate appt with the tux place so that when the time comes they can get fitted anyway.
And she wants us to invite her aunts who I haven't seen since I was 10, and when I said mom we're on a budget- she agreed to pay for their plates, if I just couldn't figure out how to save.
I just dont know whats going on in her head, and when I talk to her about things, she talks over me or tunes me out-and I feel like I couldve maybe dealt with the crazy when she was paying a huge chunk-but she literally changed her mind and I'm so annoyed...
(sorry if this is posted in more than one board)