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Ooh, I feel your pain. That is so frustrating. On my end, my family is so caught up in some pretty horrible family drama (my brother is getting a divorce, and they separated about a week after we got engaged), that they can't every talk about our wedding. I hate to sound like a brat, but I really feel so sick of talking about my brother's divorce (which was completely his fault) and I want my mom to start caring about our wedding.
Whew, that felt good to get off my chest.
Awww...you sound so sad, it breaks my heart to read it in this post. :(
As a Mom,its hard for me to read something like this or even fathom myself acting this way or saying those things to my own daughters. I can probably venture a few guesses about it and the reactions you're getting, but not knowing her personally or your relationship, I could be way off.
Can you sit down with her and have a real heart-to-heart and tell her all the things she's doing and saying to cause you this much pain? I think if she really knew how hurt you are she'd do whatever she could to make it up to you for being so thoughtless....or at least I hope she would.
Big hugs. It must be hard for her to be dealing with you getting married and that's probably why she is being so unhelpful about it. Have you spoken to her and told her that you feel disappointed that she's not very involved? It could be a multitude of things from bringing up bad memories of her wedding planning days or just having to realize you're grown up and making a family of your own. But again, hugs, it's a sucky situation and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
Hi, i recently saw this discussion and the link to this website
http://www.ipasite.com/weddingemotions/
about what mom's go through & her emotions when their daughter gets married, even if they are happy about the FI and happy with what she's doing in her life. interesting to read!
and here's the thread link as well that may help you.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/interesting-study-about-moms-when-a-daughter-gets-married
my mom didn't react w/the excitement i thought she would at first too! it did get better. good luck to you!
I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your mom. Big (((hugs))). Do you have the kind of relationship where you can sit down and talk about it? Maybe you can clear the air. It'd be nice to know what's bugging her.
My mom was super uninvolved in my wedding until pretty much now. She even joked to people how she is just a guest. People would ask her about the wedding plans and she would laugh and say she is staying out of it and knows nothing. She also gave me multiple guilt trips for having a destination wedding.
My mom cried at Christmas saying this is our last Christmas with just you and it will never be the same again. I am 32 years old, and apparently she wants me to be single forever.
Now that we are a month out, she has actually begun to show interest and has changed her attitude. Maybe now it's finally hitting her that her only child, I would give it another couple of months until she is more comfortable and hopefully more excited about your wedding
That's terrible, I'm so sorry (((HUGS))).
Does she know how you feel about this? Since your relationship is otherwise good, bringing up to topic could be good for you. It could be that she's having a very hard time letting go and is subconsciously sabotaging.
Meanwhile, keep planning the wedding that YOU want and keep her as involved as she feels comfortable with. If it isn't too late can you get the church that you loved?
That sounds very similar to the breakdown that I had in a friend's kitchen 2 nights ago. I feel like a lot of brides have this fabulous experience planning with their mom. Mine just really isn't into it all.
I bought my dress at a sample sale with my sister. I got it home and she asked "oh, is that really what you want" ummm, yeah actually it looks just like the pictures I have torn out.
When we sent out STDs (chosen by me of course) I asked if she wanted to look over the guest list. She said sure, and put it aside. We are sending out invites this week and I asked her if she wanted to look over the list--"well yeah, since I haven't seen it." Really?
I've picked the church, the reception, the flowers, the cake, the DJ, even went and bought a dress for her from Nordstrom that she saw online and wanted to try. She will show up to everything and be surprised. Like you, even my FMIL knows more--and she is out of town.
And while her and my dad have offered to pay, they haven't made any effort to pay any of the deposits. A lot of things need to be paid up in the next 1.5 months. Looks like I need to be ready for that.
I will say, the only plus side is that I have had full reign over what I've wanted to do. We haven't had any disagreements about which XYZ to choose because there aren't even discussions. You aren't alone though in feeling like your mom doesn't care.
P.S. My dad still asks me what the date is---and he's serious.
Thanks for all of the advice y'all. At least I don't feel like I'm the only one anymore. Y'all have some pretty sad stories too. Hugggggs. <3
I have talked to her about it before and she always says something like "whatever" or "thats not true" so I don't really think another time will help, but I'll give it a try.
The article was really insightful - thanks NurseAmanda.
Well now we all have a support group thread - I'll check back often. :)
Lampshade, your dress shopping experience sounds a lot like mine. I was pretty sure I'd found the one (I actually ordered it last week) so I called her and told her I was about to send her a picture message and to call me as soon as she got it (It was sad enough finding it without her). I sent her the picture... and waited. Thirty minutes later, after no response, I called her and asked why she hadn't called and what she thought and she goes "Oh yeah, let me check." It's so sad. I really feel your pain though - it sounds like you're going through the exact same thing. If you need some Houston specific input, I'm here!
Missvintage, your situation sucks too. :( Yours is especially difficult in that if you complain about them not showing interest they'll probably call you selfish or insensitive towards your brother. Why does it have to be like this? Doesn't everyone know that we're (probably) only getting married once?
I am so sorry!! I know exactly how you feel, my mom is being the same way. I feel horrible about it but my mom and I dont have a good relationship and its something I expected but it still kinda sucks. Sadly I tell my FMIL all about the wedding and she loves every second of it. I think my sister said something about this to my mom and she felt a little bad and offered to pay for my dress but that is seriously all that she has ever said about my wedding and she even offered via a text message that said "how much is this dress gonna cost me?"
I've been down this road. Be VERY careful. Don't let your mom's toxic attitude get the best of you, take it from a bride who made the horrible mistake.
I started planning my wedding in 2008 for a garden themed August 09 wedding. In Feb-April my fiance and I started looking for "our" apartment, though I wouldn't live there till Aug. When we found one we liked, we took her along (not sure why exactly- probably because I so freaking excited and wanted her to be excited too). Her subtle comments finally came to a head. She flat out said "you can't do this. You can not go to school and afford to live" "I knew ____ ppl who done that (her) and they quite" (simply- I couldn't do it and you can't either). They bribed me with 3yrs of paid in full college, but I couldn't get married (GI BILL). Fi and I talked a lot and cried a lot (well I did - How could they be this way?) We gave in. No wedding for the Jellybeans. I knew she was unhappy from the begining about our wedding date. As the traditonal route goes they were paying for our wedding with help from us and my fiance's grandparents. I found the dress that I got all bubbly inside and could invision me actually walking down the aisle in- we put it up on lay-a-away. She was supposed to go by pay a little each month to keep it saved. In about January the woman who owns the store saw my fiance one day and goes "are you guys not getting married? She never came back" WHAT! Fiance informed me and I was like " no no mom went back" Finally I confronted her and told her that my dress had been sold. She was all pissed like she'd went back and stuff but she never had and thankfully got her money back. So a few months later after my devstation over my tainted perfect dress we went to a different store. I found one that took my breath away- I definately loved it more and it fitted more with my theme. $200 down payment. I had it *sigh* and it was perfect. I dreamed of it night and day. Mom was once again supposed to pay monthly. I get the phone call "Mrs Jellybean. We haven't recieved a payment for your dress since _date of lay-a-way. Your dress will be put back and sold if you do not pay with in the next ____ days." I was devestated and embarrassed AGAIN. I cried. Then asked my mom if she actually intended to go get my dress. She put off answering me by changing the subject. So I went to my dad and told him about the $200/250 deposit that she would NOT get back if she let my dress go. Needless to say he was mad, but he was on her side ultimately and there went my dress and #200-250 down the toliet. I still lived with her as it's not common in my area to move out and we (fi and I) don't want to live together before we wed- so she knew everytime I was looking at wedding stuff or going to go to the store for wedding stuff. She'd try her hardest to keep me from goign and if I tried talking about it she'd blow me off or leave the room. This was in the begining. Then after my first dress was put up things got better. She seemed almost interested. Then the bomb hit with the "you can't do this speech".
When we got engaged my fiance asked my dad for my hand in December before asking me to marry him in Feb. My dad failed to mention in those 2 months that Fi had asked for my hand. So when I came in high on life with my fiance and the most beautiful ring in the world to me. All she had to say was (to my dad) "Are you going to say soemthing or am I?" Then she proceeded to get even angrier and they layed down all the "guidelines" for their blessing. I sat their shocked. I'm an adult can they really do this???? YES! Y? Because I was niave enough to let them- I mean my family is my world aside from my fiance. I thought I needed their approval.
My point of telling this freakishly long story is that you're not alone. And that in the end it doesn't matter. Take it from the girl who thought that having mom involved and approving of things was important and ultimately let it be the ruin of her wedding.
Hey, I wanted to bump this up and see how everyone's doing with their moms. I came on here to read through some mom threads because mine is driving me insane.
LegallyBlondeBride - my mom is just like yours in that my parents are paying for the wedding, but my mom is totally disinterested, yet will find any way to criticize (usually passive-aggressively) everything I'm doing. Here's the phone conversation I had tonight that inspired me to come on here:
Me: So did you get our save-the-date?
Mom: Oh yeah, I got it.
Me: So . . .
Mom: It's fine.
Me: Just fine?
Mom: What do you want me to say? It had a card, and a magnet, and there was information on it . . .
Yep, she couldn't come up with one good thing to say about it and resorted to just listing the contents of the envelope.
I know I should expect this by now, but it still hurts. But thanks for all the other stories - not that I want anyone else to go through this, but it really does help to hear them.
You are so not alone ((hugs))
My Mom, who I love dearly, just cannot seem to get herself together for our wedding. She's so hot and cold when I try to talk to her about it - some days she's bubbly and excited and eager to help - others she describes telling her friends, "I'm just going along for the ride, they did everything without us." Which hurts for a number of reasons, the least of which because it isn't true. They picked our venue with us, went to caterers with us, did cake tastings with us, bought my dress with me, etc.
The real problem is she's mad my brother isn't in the wedding party. We asked him to be an usher, but she *still* brings it up anytime we talk about the wedding for more than a few minutes. "So what is Brother doing again? Does the usher get in wedding party pictures? Does he dress the same as you guys? Did you formally invite him to be a part of the wedding? Are there other ushers? Why is it just him?" Brother and I have never had a good relationship for a number of reasons, but we included him as an usher to keep the family peace. Also, I'm not having FI's sister as one of my bridesmaids, so I couldn't very well make him have my brother as a groomsman.
Case in point: I emailed her a bunch of pictures today of decorations we could make for the reception. She replied with "call me." So I did - what did we talk about? Money. Brother. But what about the pictures? "They're fine if that's the look you're going for, I guess." ::Sigh:: I'm generally a wall-flower, is it so much to ask that this day and its planning process be about me?
You are so not alone on this. My mom has never once asked to see my ring, nor complimented me or FI on it. We've been engaged for almost a year. I know Mom is feeling badly because she is not paying for the wedding, FILs are paying for most and I am paying a small portion. And in the beginning I tried to get Mom involved in the planning. I asked her opinion, volunteered to schedule various wedding tasks around her schedule, offered to pay for her to come down to NYC to dress shop with me. I did tell her that I would really appreciate it if she tried to avoid offering suggestions in the form of commands like "You need to..." "You should..." etc. I actually tried so hard to get her involved that even my brother praised me for my patience with her. But she has repeatedly flaked on dress shopping, cake tasting, etc. I know her schedule is really busy, but she often expects FI and to drop everything and help her do stuff (like move into a new apartment, fix her computer, proofread her written work) and she can't spare 5 minutes for my stuff most of the time.
All I can say is that sometimes moms and daughters clash during wedding planning. Maybe she just has a different vision for you than you have for yourself.
I don't think it's because she's a tomboy. I'm looking forward to my wedding, and watching basketball is one of my favorite things to do also, if not the favorite... :P
Oh btw that moms daughters article.. I just thought of that as well! good thing nurseamanda remembered it! Kinda sounds like your second reason in some ways, but a different spin on it, from when I remember reading it awhile back.
bmore - your mom sounds exactly like mine with the "it's fine...what do you want me to say" comment. After two months of me being engaged she did finally come to visit and appreciated my dress and ring (same "it's fine" comment when I emailed photos). I just decided to get over the whole mom-doesn't-care thing. I like the things I've picked, and so does FI, friends, and even my parents' neighbors (lol).
jellybean - I'd get a job if I were you. Your parents have all the power in your relationship.
I hope everyone is doing better with their moms. Try to find people who want to give input and help you out.
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...and actually takes it a step further and usually has something negative to say about it.
Although my parents have VERY generously offered to pay for it all, I really think my Mom would be more happy if I just didn't have a wedding. I know money isn't the issue... they're happy to pay... but everytime I talk about it she is either dismissive or has something horrible to say about it.
-She hated the church that WE LOVED. She told us how much she hated it everyday. We then picked the one she wanted and she didn't say a word.
-When FI proposed, she cried... but not in a good way. She was mad that he told my Dad and his brother before hand and not her.
-She tried to talk me out of our venue.
-She thinks we're inviting too many people (130).
-When I called her last night to talk about ideas for my shower (that my sis/MOH is throwing), she said I'm being ridiculous by having a themed shower and that my wedding would be a circus (something that she frequently calls it).
-She tried to talk me out of my dress (although it is very typical/conservative and came in under budget).
-She hated our honeymoon registry and refuses to look at our other registries, although I've asked her more than once to check them out and give me feedback on what we need.
-She couldn't tell you one detail about my flowers, bridesmaid dresses, or theme ideas... although I feel like Mom's should know these details inside and out (My FMIL surely does).
Although this makes her sound like it, she isn't a bitter or mean person. Everyone loves her and she's been nothing but bend-over-backwards supportive of me my entire life - like above and beyond her mom duties.
All I can think of as explaining this is either A)that she's a super tomboy (watching basketball is her #1 hobby) and isn't into frufru wedding stuff or B)she has some resentment towards it because she didn't have a grand wedding (Her mom wasn't as generous as she is to me and she was forced to wear her older sister's dress). I don't really think those are it though and this is absolutely killing me because I have always pictured wedding planning as the biggest mother/daughter bonding experience of a life time... and its not. She acts like my wedding annoys her and it makes me want to cry.