Post # 1
Hi ladies. I’ve posted about my mom before and she’s really beginning to hurt my feelings with the entire wedding planning process. I’ve picked out the flowers, the cake, the favors, my dress, etc. And every single time, she says something about how she doesn’t like my idea. I wanted to do little favors of vanilla (saw it in the DIY section of this site) and she thinks it’s a terrible idea. My first wedding dress was stunning, but I went with my second choice because my mom liked it better. She thinks my cake is too expensive. She claims that the sweetheart table at the reception where my new husband and I will sit alone (instead of the long headtable with the wedding party) was her idea. It wasn’t. She wanted to change the wedding monogram that I had designed professionally. Thankfully, I convinced her otherwise on that one. She is driving me NUTS.
So, finally, today I stood up to her and said that I wanted the tables for the reception to be organized differently than what she wanted. I kind of lost it and told her that she’s been making all of the decisions for my wedding and she says, “You asked for my opinion.” Well, yes! But, would it be so hard for her to just agree with ONE decision that is mine and mine alone? She told me I’m being selfish and that now she’ll just agree with everything I want because her opinion doesn’t matter. She doesn’t know how to “fight fair” and just goes for the jugular when somebody stands up to her. She disagrees with all of my ideas and it’s really starting to hurt my feelings. We have an appointment with the florist tomorrow and I told her that I don’t want her to come with me afterall. I want to go alone.
Oh yes… and did I mention that she constantly reminds me that she and her mom were best friends? My mom and I are far from that and it hurts me everytime she says it. Like it’s my fault that we aren’t best friends. I want my mom to be involved in the planning of my wedding. I am her only daughter and I want us to be friends. But, how can I make sure we get along? I don’t know if it’s possible.
Post # 3
Your Mom does have a point. If you ask her opinion, you better be prepared to hear it. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with her or change your plans.
If you don’t want her opinion, don’t ask for it- just tell her what you have decided.
If there is any one wedding item that you really don’t care about- show your mom a couple of ideas and let her choose this item.
Post # 4
I have an equally challenging relationship with my mom and wedding planning was very stressful. I think it is good to have a strong idea of what you want and to just be ready to accept the criticism. When I first told my mom about many of my ideas for the wedding she was not very thrilled. For example I wanted all non-matching vases with yellow flowers for centerpieces, groom/groomens in suits with non-matching but coordinating ties and to wear blue shoes with my dress. In the end the things that got the most compliments at my wedding were the ones my mom was very skeptical of. Bottom line try to be acommodating and take her opion into consideration but be prepared to have her not understand.
I agree with @julies1949 that you can maybe assign her a small wedding related task so she feels more involved. For me I took my mom to help pick out linens, dishes, and chairs for the reception. I also took her to the florist but had strong opinions of what I wanted already. My parents made some directional signs for the wedding that were a huge help and they liked being involved that way. I had more of a vintage theme so I also asked for my mom’s help in gathering old family wedding photos that I could display at the reception.
Best of luck!!
Post # 5
I’m still fighting with my mom about her not wearing black to the wedding. Oh, she LOVES my fiance and isn’t in mourning, but she will look like it and I hate it. I think we all go through something or another with family and we just have to remember that ultimately it’s our decision and our day.
Maybe the reason your mom is going through all of this is because she knows that you will be starting your own family and she is channeling her energy negatively towards you rather than positively to avoid being emotional. How about you two do something that is NOT wedding related so that you can bond a little and so that you can see that you aren’t each other’s enemies.
Post # 6
She drives you nuts, but you keep pulling her into the planning? Why?
By The Way, my SIL is from STL. She and my brother got married at the Frontenac. 🙂
Post # 7
@amw511s: oh how I feel your pain. Everything I choose or come up with my mom gives me 5 reasons why it is a bad idea or I need to keep looking or its too expensive and then once I have looked at other things and still come back to it as what I want, she all of a sudden says its great. She and I have never been close and she recently told me that she wants me to have what I want at the wedding so that is why she is “staying out of all the planning.” Laughable since that is so NOT what she is doing.
We even brought her up at our pre marital classes with our pastor about how I wish we were closer and he basically said to just take it all with a grain of salt, at this point do not even try to change the relationship just try not to let her hurt me so much. I was surprised at his give up attitude but I kind of see his point.
So I have just done what I want and honestly not even necessarily filled her in because it just causes problems. I ask my aunts, my bridesmaids and my future husband and go from there.
Post # 8
You should read The Conscious Bride. I’m reading through it now and it talks a lot about the mother-daughter relationship during wedding planning. A lot of times it’s just mom’s way of exercising control, since she might secretly be terrified about you getting married because she may feel that you won’t need her for anything anymore after the wedding, and she is taking it out on the planning. I found the book on amazon and it made me feel better about weddings after reading that, since my mom was starting to worry me in this aspect, too.
Post # 9
Trust me it could be worse! My mom and I have very different tastes and since she is helping to pay for our wedding. It has been a struggle for the most part. The only things I am putting my foot down about are the flowers and the centerpieces. Everything else I just say ok to. My theme is blue roses and she instantly turned her nose up at that. I also wanted books on the tables as the centerpiece with some kind of floral thing incorporated. Well that just upset her to no end. How could I not have flowers on my table??? Books??? Why would I want books??? So I am a Bridezilla because I want those things at my wedding and won’t give in to her.
Take a deep breath and remember that this is your wedding and in the end it is what you want and what you envision that matters. So what if it is not her taste. As long as it reflects you and your Fiance then that is the important thing. Ignore any snide comments and do things the way that you want them done.