Post # 1
So, I’m starting to think that perhaps my mother doesn’t like my fiance. Her reaction to me getting married was not as enthused as it could have been, which I chalked up to her being sad about losing her baby or something. However, now she seems to be excluding him from the wedding planning (ok, she didn’t cc him on a couple of emails, even after I responded to her and cc’d him). Also, FI is on the other side of the political spectrum, and I know they have had discussions about politics before. But my mother isn’t completely closed-minded or anything, but on the other hand he is her future son in law and maybe she wishes his opinions were more like hers? Am I reading way to much into this? It doesn’t help that FI is convinced she hates him and gets mad at me whenever I say something to her that he thinks casts him in a negative light. does anyone else have a problem with a parent not liking your FI? Should I talk to her? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Help!
Post # 3
why don’t you just talk to her?
Post # 4
My mom definitely behaved that way during the wedding process. We had a long talk about it. She was very happy for me and knows my husband is a great guy and we’d have a great life. But it was very difficult for her to accept that someone would be more important to me than her, and knowing that I would choose my hsuband above all others.
Try your best to talk to your mom about it, and let her know how it makes both you and him feel. Just keep in mind that she might always view him as an outsider, and you are the one that’s her family member, so she might never include him directly and will always just work through you.
As long as you are happy, do your best to make sure your FH knows you love him and pick him. In a perfect world, it’d be a big love fest, but that’s more rare than the norm.
Post # 5
Thanks for the responses! Anna, what you said is exactly what I should do–unfortunately I have all these fears and neuroses getting in the way. Thanks also for letting me know I’m not the only one with these problems, SoCal.
Post # 6
I SOOOO understand! At the beginning of my engagement, my mom definitely made some comments that bothered me. Eventually, I called her out on it and she said "it’s not that I don’t like him, it’s that no one is good enough for you." Sweet, but still it doesn’t excuse the behavior. I agree with Anna, just talk to your mom. If I hadn’t spoken to my mother, she’d probably still be acting the same way. I know the conversation might be awkward and difficult, but just remember to not frame it in a bad way. Use those lovely "I feel…" statements and not "I think you don’t like my fiance." (you know, all the stuff they teach you to do when dealing with difficult conversations.) I know my mom has gotten much better since I said something. Good luck!
Post # 7
You should definately talk to her. A lot of bees seem to feel disappointed that their in-laws don’t love them like a daughter, or that their mom and dad don’t love their FI like a son. I happen to think that’s just not practical – family by marriage is just that. I like my FMIL a lot, but I am never going to love her like my mom, and if she loved me like a daughter after only knowing me for two years that would seem a little weird to me. But there is no excuse for your family treating your FI with anything other than complete respect and courtesy (and vice versa). If your mom is excluding your FI from family communications or functions, that needs to stop!! And really, only you can stop it – your FI can’t effectively do that.
Maybe your mom is doing this sort of subconsciously, in which case just talking about it will probably help. If its on purpose, you need to be more emphatic. We actually have had this problem with my FI’s sister, who was a total b*tch to me at first… he had to have a serious talk with her and the rest of his family – to let them know that anybody who couldn’t treat me with appropriate respect was no longer welcome in his home, and that we would have no problem celebrating holidays with my family as a general rule, if he couldn’t count on me being treated appropriately at his mother’s house. Of course, it doesn’t sound like your mom is that bad – but the point is that you need to be the one to lay down the law with your own family if that is required. If your mom really doesn’t like you FI, him letting her know that she is getting to him probably won’t help matters.
And maybe your FI could tone things down too. You don’t say what your family is like, but I know that in my family on subjects like politics and religeon, if we don’t agree, we don’t talk about it. Just because we don’t really enjoy debate – it tends to upset us. If your FI’s opinions on politics upset your mom, he doesn’t really have to talk about it in her presence. This might be hard for him to understand if his family does debate issues like that, but it might help a lot if your mom isn’t reminded of his opinions on a regular basis.