Post # 1
Or the dinner afterward which SHE is paying for! At first she picked a pricey and way over the top resturant. I was against it but just shrugged it off. The she said it was too expensive and she thought we should dis-invite the SO’s of the wedding party. Um, no. I said we will do something more casual so that everyone can come and she agreed. FH and I had two ideas. Both have sentimental value for us.
#1- have it at a favorite local burger place or #2 have it in Mexican town in the city.
So, fast forward the local burger place does not take reservations and it’s always PACKED. We would be waiting at least an hour. So we decided on mexican. My mom is now saying she doesn’t want or need to go citing that she doesn’t want to drive there and wants to leave early so she can’t get a ride with anyone else. I’ve suggested a cab, we would leave right after dinner and drive her, she could bring a friend who could drive her… she won’t budge. She then said she doesn’t feel comfortable in Detroit which is an excuse because she’ll go to my aunt’s house and to a drs appointment there. FH really wants her there, after all she is paying for it and most of the wedding too!
The only solution I have is to get catering from them and have the party at our home but our house is small and we’d be fairly smushed. Nobody else is willing or able to host it.
I’m hurt that she doesn’t care enough to be present and a lil annoyed because I feel like she’s making excuses. Should I just tell her fine, don’t come or smush everyone in the house?
Post # 3
Honestly, because it is your mother and because she is paying for so much, I’d personally go with whatever would cause the least drama. You know your mother best, so I’d decide which will satisfy her more?
I know it sucks for you and it is kind of a cop-out, but that’s what I do. Mom-drama just before your wedding would be terrible :/
I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Post # 4
My answer would depend on how you answer this question- do you think she is really uncomfortable going because of the location (no matter how irrational that may be) or is she using this as an excuse to get out of going for some other reason she isn’t willing to admit? If it really is about the location, then I say try to find a solution which will allow her to still attend. If you think it’s about something else, then no matter what accommodation you make, she’ll just keep finding some other excuse. In that case, you have to figure out and address the real reason behind all this.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Either way, she really ought to just suck it up and go, but something tells me that this driving thing is not all there is to the situation…
Post # 5
I feel like she doesn’t want to come period. She said she doesn’t get why she needs to be there because she is not “in” the wedding. I told her we wanted to officially thank her for everything and she said it wasn’t necessary, she knows I’m thankful. She told me the other day, she’s “sick of being nice to people and I’m not doing it anymore”. She’s been especially difficult lately. She refused to attend my son’s birthday party until my step mother left, accused FMIL of intentionally not offering her dessert, demanded that I apologize to her freind for not formally inviting her (it was a family party).I even offered to have the RD at the resturant she originally wanted and we would pay for the SO’s and she refused saying it was based on principle.We originally planned on paying for the whole thing ourselves but she insisted.
It seems like she doesn’t care about me and she’s going out of her way to make things difficult. I had blurred vision the other day and called her to see if she could come over and she said she couldn’t drive the 5 miles because it was rush hour. It must be something going on with her but she’s not talking and i’m left scatching my head.
Post # 6
It sounds like she’s feeling left out and hurt, but is acting out in very childish ways. Like she feels like she’s been excluded from the wedding and so she’s refusing to go to the rehearsal dinner to say “If they don’t want me around then fine, I’ll just leave!” I’m sure you aren’t excluding her at all, but a lot of times these feelings can be really irrational. The fact that she’s directing her anger at your step mom and FMIL makes me thing she’s jealous of the time you are spending with these other mother figures, and the fact that she focuses on you not giving her friend an invitation (to a kids party? How much more informal can you get?) is just another way of saying she’s not being included to the extent that she feels she should be.
Like I said, she’s being ridiculous and acting like a child. I mean, I get it, it probably sucks to be around her ex’s new wife, sucks to be constantly making small talk with people you don’t really know, and it’s easy to for moms to feel lost in all the wedding excitement, especially when the couple is planning more independently. My mom and I went through the same thing. But there’s a right and wrong way to express those feelings and right now she is wrong wrong wrong.
You know your mom better than us, so only you know whether it is best to go to her, sit her down and tell her how much you care about her and how important it is to you that she be there with you through all the wedding events and on the wedding day. For a lot of moms that little reassurance that they are in fact still special, important, and not forgotten can go a long way. Other moms will pull this kind of stuff to be emotionally manipulative and to try to turn all the attention on to themselves. If that’s the case, then you may have to stand up to her, or else she’ll walk all over you.
Good luck, and I hope she realizes how hurtful she is being. 🙁