Weddingbee boards

*Sigh*

Hey, bees. I am writing today with a heavy heart. This post is going to be long and probably sad in parts, so bare with me.

My mom is dramatic. When I say dramatic, I mean DRAMATIC. She thrives on negativity and pessimism. She also believes if she does nice things for people, she should be able to control them, or at the very least, she should be able to hold it over their heads for years on end. It’s a rarity that she does kind things without expecting “glory” in return. All that being sad, I love my mother. Very much. She is the only mom I will ever have and I wholeheartedly realize this.

We have always bumped heads. We went a period in high school (after I finally moved in with my dad my senior year) where we didn’t talk for 6 months. She is still VERY bitter about me moving in with him and her missing a homecoming because of it, and reminds me that it was my fault every time I hurt her feelings. After a disagreement at a bridal expo in August (She committed to paying for the wedding flowers, but backed out because she said she wanted to pay for my niece and nephews’ outfits instead) she changed her phone number so I couldn’t contact her. I sent her an e-mail that said this: “Just wanted you to know I love you.” Her response was a long drawn out e-mail about how I don’t love her, how I only want her for her money, and how I am a bridezilla who no one likes. Okay, then. That settles that. After peacefully responding and staying super calm (with the help of my work mom talking me through the e-mails) she finally go un-mad and decided to meet me for dinner to talk wedding stuff. Near the end of dinner—she got up and walked out. She was upset because I explained I wanted more than just her and I to shop for my dress. This is part of the e-mail I received the next day: “I want you to think about your dog--Duchess. You are in essence her mother. When she has her first litter of puppies (assuming you are going to do that) who do you want there?  Jonathon, Courtney, Megan? No--you want to be there. You are the MOTHER. You are my ONLY daughter. This is the only time I am EVER going to be able to do this. Don’t you see how selfish you are?” (Jonathon is my older brother and Man of Honor, Courtney and Megan are friends of mine) She completely acted as if I told her she wasn’t invited to dress shop with us! Which I NEVER did—I just explained that I wanted the other people in my life that are important to me to be there! I just don’t see why that’s wrong…After a response explaining that the differences between MY situation, and my chocolate lab’s situation, and that I WANT her to dress shop with us, she stopped responding. In almost every e-mail, she asks me to make a decision and tell her what I want. (Practically BEGGING me to tell her I don’t want her at the wedding, or in my life, or w/e.) She has told me, on more occasions that I can count anymore, that she doesn’t want to be a part of my life, etc. etc. She always ends up coming back, so I never worry. But, it’s exhausting. After all of this, she sent me an e-mail that said “Tell (FH) happy birthday for me and I will be sending his gift via mail. Thanks.” Oh, and I still don’t have her phone number.

I want my mother to be a part of my special day. I truly do. I love her. But I cannot take the abuse and drama anymore. My older siblings know how she is, but have somehow managed to deal with her. My work mom seems to think I sort of get it worse because I am her only daughter (of six children). I just don’t know what to do anymore. If she is involved, I am going to deal with constant drama and negativity for the next year. If she isn’t involved, I will deal with constant drama and negativity on the day of my wedding. What do I do?!

I guess I should mention that FH’s mom isn’t much better. She is a good mom to her kids, but she isn’t fond of her only son and oldest child marrying. She has always controlled him as well and relied on him to be a father to his younger sisters, and now he has chosen to have a family with me—so she makes it very evident that she doesn’t approve. The younger sisters follow suit with their mom…one has still yet to speak to us or congratulate us on the engagement, and we’ve been engaged six months. The other sister is starting to warm up, and we are finally starting to form a good friendship.

I feel like a pretty awful person. I just want to make everyone happy…while not sacrificing my values or my sanity.

Thanks, girl! Just trying to figure out what to do about her..

((((HUGS)))) I really feel for you.  I don't have a lot of advice- she seems VERY manipulative by, in essence, asking you to break off the relationship.  I would try to avoid contact with her as much as you can and leave the decision of her attendance up to her.

What a crappy way to have to feel during one of the happiest times of your life! Just know that you're marrying a great guy and you two will create a family life with much more stability and love going forward.

@MissHelen: Not really, unless we go to counseling which...depending on her mood, may or may not be possible. My siblings know that if they say anything defending me that my mom will stop speaking to them, too. They all have little ones, so they don't want/need the drama that our mom brings. Most of them try to keep their distance from her.

@drakela2: I have heard that "manipulative" word a lot when talking to work friends about the situation. My general decision, thus far, has been to do exactly what you're suggesting. I suppose I just feel guilty in a way...and I just don't know why I feel like that!

@Aisling10: You're right. My work mom tells me constantly to stop hoping my mom is going to wake up one day and change into the wonderful, caring mom I've always wanted her to be. Nothing I can do is going to make her happy...I guess it's just about coping with that, now.

@misssydneyj: I have been waiting for a special book to come along! Thanks so much for suggesting that one. Be expecting a message as soon as I finish it :) lol. I am sorry that we have to be "twins" in this but i am super happy that someone else understands where I am coming. It seems all my friends have great moms, or at least sane ones, which makes it even harder...

@2PeasinaPod: Oh my word. Sounds like my mom to the "T"! My mom is the same way, when she is in a good mood she is truly a great person. and I love her SO much. But sadly the tantrums and pessimism are around a lot more often than the positivity. Everything is always about her in some way...she is paranoid about everything. If someone is whispering in the kitchen at a family event, she automatically gets upset because she thinks people are talking about her. If any one of her kids are fighting, she will get in the middle of it and side with whichever one hasn't hurt her recently...mostly to get back at whichever child ticked her off in the recent past. She's vindictive..and scary! My second oldest brother hasn't talked to her in 15 years because of this, and my 4th oldest hasn't talked to her in about 7-8 months due to similar problems.

I have never ever asked for her phone number, because I know the games she plays. She WANTED me to be hurt by this...it had nothing to do with the fact that she didn't want me to contact her...because if God forbid I had ignored her e-mails, she would have gone nuts! She just wanted me to be hurt by the fact that she has "cut me off" somehow. It's a control thing--she thinks she is controlling the relationship/situation by making it impossible for me to contact her...does that make sense? I'm just guessing there but that's what I feel like.

I don't want to look back in ten years sad because my wedding was a nightmare. I want it to be so wonderful and perfect and about my FH and me. But how do I get there with such a horrendous mother? If I don't invite her, she will show up anyway. There's no way around that.

@misssydneyj: YES! I LOVE my adopted mom(s). My work mom is such a blessing...I go to her for 90% of the stuff I would go to my real mom for. She gives me recipes, advice, criticism, and isn't afraid to put me in my place when need be. I just love her. She's such a blessing. I think I am sane only because I have adopted a few of my friend's moms while growing up. Without their influence, I hate to think of where I'd be. lol.

@misssydneyj: My ex-boyfriend's mom was such a wonderful, wonderful woman. (So was his entire family, for that matter). We were SO close & she was who I went to with everything. After we broke it off, I tried for a long time to keep contact, but it was just too awkward. (Especially now since he's married with a baby on the way, lol) So the fact that my FMIL is such a...err...brat, is really hard. She doesn't have any desire to be close with me or have a mother/daughter relationship. She only cares about her three kids, which is great, in a way...but also pretty tough to deal with. I don't need her help financially and am big on independence, which she takes as my desire to not want her involved in my/our lives...no, I just don't need you to bring us dinner...I can handle that one!

At any rate, my work mom is a saint. I'm blessed to have found her :)

@2PeasinaPod: AHHH my mom does the SAME THING! She'll say "Your brothers think this..." and "Your brothers agree with me that..." She could be on the phone with one of my brothers b!tching about me and they could say "Yep...uh huh...oh yeah...right...yes.." and she would twist that into them agreeing with her. Or they could say "Sis has been really stressed lately..she has a lot going on.." and she would call me and tell me that everyone says I stress out too easily, etc.

Thankfully, (I guess) my dad and mom divorced a LONG time ago. So I don't lose him in the whole process. That is a whole different story--I can't even mention my father or she goes ape sh*t. She swears everyone loves him and no one loves her, etc. etc. Ugh, it's exhausting.

@Miss Ox: Thank you, girl. I am sorry you're having to go through that :( But YAY! So exciting that your wedding is almost here. I hope it's an awesome, wonderful day for you. I know my mom is very insecure, lonely, and unhappy. She expected me, for a very long time, to be like a partner to her. She got mad when I went with my friends and left her on the weekends, and controlled me much like I am sure she did her husbands. Nevertheless, she is my mom. I get very upset when I think about her getting older, and by the time I have kids, she will be almost 70. It's heartbreaking. But, I am also all about respect. I don't let people treat me poorly. Which is my problem...if I could, I would probably let her. But I don't have it in me to keep my mouth shut when she goes on rants about me. I need to learn patience, and I know that :(